marina13 Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 I am mainly just looking for support and a shoulder. I am completely heartbroken. My boyfriend of 5 years are breaking up. He confessed to having had sex with someone else once. He is choosing to enable his adult son with his addiction. I found out that the sons’ mom has been living in the house I help him with and helped him purchase. Because of all the betrayal I have wanted to set up boundaries and he is saying they are demands and can’t meet them. I always thought that when you love someone you fight for them. I don’t know what to think. Just looking for support. Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 Sorry this is happening. Finding out that somebody has been disloyal and dishonest after being in a relationship with them for five years can be heartbreaking. This is especially true if we confront them, and they choose to react in a certain way that doesn't resonate with us. I don't have much advice to give. The only thing I want to tell you is that I am sorry, but at the same time, I am almost relieved for you that this is over. Although you have written very few lines, they are so full of sadness and betrayal. Can it be that you stayed in this relationship much longer than you should have? The whole scenario sounds unhealthy, and it also sounds like you gave much more than you received, in terms of respect, money and loyalty. Can you see, maybe a little bit, that this breakup is actually "good" for you? I don't see how it can make things any worse than they already are. Onward and upward for you, girl!! 💚 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. So he just told you you’re breaking up? Do you own part of the house you helped him buy? Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 29 minutes ago, marina13 said: house I help him with and helped him purchase I totally overlooked this part, until @MsJayne mentioned it. How did you help him purchase a home? Does he owe you money? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marina13 Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 I helped him the escrow and that year I also paid a down payment for a car. The house is only in his name. He bought it for his two grown sons. He can’t afford it so usually I would just let him transfer money out of my acct to pay what he was short on. and he’s been wishy-washy about leaving. I told him because if the betrayal I am not okay with him going over to that house until the ex leaves. He’s says he’s not okay with that because he wants to see his son anytime he wants even if she’s there. And I don’t agree with that because she was sending me messages that he sent her about possibly moving into the house with them. I just decided it’s too much and want him to leave now. I don’t feel he gets to decide when this ends. I thinks that me. I’m just hurt because I love him so much but it’s too much heart ache. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 I am really sorry, OP. For several reasons, this relationship sounds very unhealthy and one-sided. You might love him but it doesn't appear the feeling is mutual. Please get away from him and leave him to his dysfunctional life. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 (edited) Looks like his alliance is to his ex wife. i’d see how much of your money you can get back. And stop letting him have access to ANY of your accounts! how soon can he move? He’s already wasted 5 years of your life. Edited July 5, 2023 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 You’re supplementing his, and his family’s, lifestyle. I would immediately stop any access he has to your bank accounts, today. He’s correct in that he should be able to visit his sons whenever he likes, but he’s way wrong about his ex living there. If he’s living in your house while providing a home for his grown children and an ex-wife, especially given that without your financial assistance he wouldn’t be able to manage, he’s got some massive nerve. It all sounds a bit too much like he’s feathering himself a nest. I say pull the plug, send him to live with his sons and his ex, snap your wallet shut, and then wait. How long do you think it would be before he and his ex start bickering and he came grovelling around begging forgiveness? I hope he’s paid back any money he’s borrowed from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marina13 Posted July 5, 2023 Author Share Posted July 5, 2023 Not a cent. And it’s been thousands. It hurts so much that someone could use a person this way. I’ve never wronged anyone and don’t understand how my first marriage was just as bad as this 5 year union with this other man. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 I'm sorry hun but this guy has used you for 5 years. You helped him purchase a house that he moved his ex into (which is so messed up, wtf). He helps himself to money in your account which he probably spends on her. They're playing happy families with your money. Bank records should show how much he took and when so ask for it all back. If he refuses, take him to small claims court. I know you're hurting but it would've been so much worse in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marina13 Posted July 5, 2023 Author Share Posted July 5, 2023 I really just feel so alone and this heart ache is unreal. I’ve never felt this way before. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 5, 2023 Share Posted July 5, 2023 Was your marriage previously also involving financial abuse and misuse of funds? How did you get so comfortable with someone to allow them to transfer funds out of your account? Is he joint on any accounts or did you give him online access? Is it possible you mistook this as a marriage to rebound or help get over your failed marriage? Id be asking myself these questions if in your place. I am sorry you’re hurting. You are asking how this turned out to be as bad as your marriage. It’s good that you’re questioning that. Did he have sex with his ex or someone else altogether? The house is in his name so he can use it any way he pleases. It’s his house. Don’t give any further access to your accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 6, 2023 Share Posted July 6, 2023 On 7/4/2023 at 11:10 AM, marina13 said: I don’t feel he gets to decide when this ends. I thinks that me. Exactly correct. End all of it, romantic, financial and any other support! You will feel better. Time heals all! In the mean time, keep busy. Visit with friends and family. Pick up old hobbies or find new ones. Link to post Share on other sites
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