Girlfriend (F 43) spending more time with her male friend then with me (M 59)

[Crazed_and_confussed]

Some background info on this situation. I (M 59) live an hour outside of the city and my Girlfriend (43) lives in the city. My GF and I have been best friends for 12 years and started dating 6 years ago. After the first year of dating My GF and her kids moved out to the country to live with me. A year ago I felt it was best if she moved back into the city because of various relationship problems we had. We’ve continued dating since she moved out.

She tends to frequently seek out affection from others but sometimes in the most inappropriate way. In the six years she’s been with me there has been several times I’ve been concerned about her friendly relationship with other men.

The first was that she was insisting that her having tickle fights with a male friend (him and his wife where our friends) was not sexual and was only for fun. This stopped when one night he sexually molested her while she slept. To this day she has not addressed this to him or his wife and is still friends with that couple.

Then another time she insisted on having a male friend come and spend a couple of nights on our couch to be with us. I had no problem with that. She spent all her time with him which was ok. That evening the two of them where cuddled under a blanket on the couch joking and talking. She asked me if it would be ok for her to sleep on the other couch to be with her friend. I voiced my objections to the cuddling and spending the night on the couch and she reluctantly stopped.

Last year she was having secret late night texting to a husband of a couple she knows. The text wasn’t sexual it was just very personal and confidential feelings my GF was having and wanted to vent to someone. The husband became enamoured with her and the wife found out. My GF didn’t tell me any of this till the wife became involved. Then My GF told me because she was scared of the wife taking revenge.

One last detail: With all these men including her new male friend she likes to tell them “I love you”. She tells me that she means “I love you as a friend” but she only uses “I love you” and says that everybody knows she means it in a friendly way.

That was lengthy background info but please be patient.

We were spending every other weekend together and once or twice during the week depending on our schedules. She always texted me at least once (often several times) a day and definitely before going to bed each night.

For the past three or four months:

She has been texting and calling considerable less often. Sometimes she doesn’t initiate any communication for two or three days. When I initiate texting her she often takes an hour or more to respond. This is coming from a woman who is constantly on her phone with messenger, Facebook and email.

My GF has cancelled several weekends with me stating that she had other plans, was too tired or that she wanted to give me some space that weekend.

In the past couple of weeks new details have come up.

I’ve just learnt that a few of those weekends was cancelled because she was spending time with her new male friend.

Her kids said that he has been to the house to visit. But she and her male friend hang out in her bedroom instead of the living room. She does have one chair in her bedroom but it is always full of stuff and she likes to sit on the bed. I assume she lets him sit on her bed (that’s what I do and her best friend do when we are with her) but I don’t know for sure, he may sit on the floor or stand for hours. She also doesn’t socialize with anybody else in her bedroom, she uses the living room.

She left on a trip and she arranged for her new male friend to drop her off at the airport. She did this despite knowing that I was available, and was planning to be in the city that morning.

I also was checking her Facebook posts from her trip. She had one post of all the people she missed while out of the country. She only included her best friend, her two kids, myself and her new male friend. No other family member, close friends or even her beloved cats were not mentioned.

she knew that I was available for her all day for when she came home but She arranged for her new male friend to pick her up at the airport ( I was there spying on them) she didn’t go home at that point they went to his house for a couple of hours. Then she went home and texted me telling me how she missed me and that I’m important to her. She also told me she wasn’t available to see me for a couple of days.

She also greets or says good bye with a full tight body hug and cheek to cheek. She says “I love you” when she gives him the good bye hug.

The last most important piece of info I want to relay is that she has been chummy with her new male friend for over 4 months. I’ve checked and double checked but she has only mentioned him once to me. I’ve found out all this in the last couple of weeks through friends and Facebook.

I’m looking for any options and advice that my help me

Thank you.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Crazed_and_confussed said:

A year ago I felt it was best if she moved back into the city because of various relationship problems we had. We’ve continued dating since she moved out.

Why didn't you just end it so that both of you could have a fresh start?   

[Crazed_and_confussed]

That was my intent. I was hurt and mad at her. I told her I didn't even know if i'd want to stay friends. For the first few weeks I didn't bother with her. Then it was suppers together once a week, then before you know it its late saturday night and I say "why don't you just stay over and go home tomorrow after supper" before you know it you're hooked and back together.

[Weezy1973]

It’s way past time to break up. The two of you have significantly different core values. Just pull off the band aid and break up. 

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Crazed_and_confussed said:

But she and her male friend hang out in her bedroom instead of the living room.

 

8 hours ago, Crazed_and_confussed said:

She arranged for her new male friend to pick her up at the airport ( I was there spying on them) she didn’t go home at that point they went to his house for a couple of hours.

It's screamingly obvious that she and this guy are more than just friends. 

She prioritises him over you and would rather have him do the bf duties.

They are clearly sleeping together.

Time to cut and run op.

You deserve better than this.

[Crazed_and_confussed]

I'm not normally like this. I can't explain my feelings for her. I'm not an open person, I don't express myself well and I don't really form bonds with too many people. 

I see everyone post that I should break up , and I agree, but part of me doesn't want too. 

I'm having a hard time accepting what needs to be done instead of what I want to do.

[FMW]

Very few men or women would be ok with their partner having such close contact with "friends" of the opposite sex.  

It's natural after several years to find it difficult to end the relationship.  Don't take that to mean you should stay together.  Feeling suspicious and doubting your place in her life is exhausting and truly not worth your time and emotion.   When you chose to stop living together was the time it should have just ended.  Stepping back in that way from your level of involvement makes it unlikely things are going to work out, it's just a slow goodbye.  

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Crazed_and_confussed said:

I see everyone post that I should break up , and I agree, but part of me doesn't want too. 

I'm having a hard time accepting what needs to be done instead of what I want to do.

Yes, that is all very normal. Breakups are really hard for both parties. You’ve grown attached and love her. But that doesn’t mean you should stay together. You both have very different core values on what is appropriate. You can spend a lifetime trying to make her see your view as “right” and vice versa. There are a lot of things that people don’t eye to eye on, and most of them aren’t dealbreakers. But this one really is. 

[Crazed_and_confussed]

My crisis is over , we are now going our own ways. 

Now I start over and be much more happier then I was.

Thank-you all for the support.