Disliking certain people

[Alpacalia]

I've been curious about disliking certain people. I've often wondered if we dislike certain people because they mirror things we dislike about ourselves. Do you find this to be true?

I recall working with another female that I disliked initially and I recall at the time I would say to my then boyfriend how upsetting it was for me initially working with her. After time had passed we became good friends and now I consider her like a sister and we've been best friends for over a decade.

Is there just some people that are meant to rub you the wrong way or do you think there is something that can be learned from them? 

[FMW]

I think we can learn things from most people, but whether or not the knowledge/insight gained is worth it or not is questionable 🙂

I've heard the theory before that we are triggered by some people who mirror our "shadow self", having to do with things we don't consciously acknowledge or even see about ourselves.  However, I don't think that's true, at least not in most cases.  When I really don't enjoy being around someone it's usually because they have a world view that I find repellent, and there's no getting past that.  Otherwise, at worst I will just find someone kind of annoying, but not hold it against them unless it continues to happen.  

[Lotsgoingon]

I have experienced what you experienced.

I chalk this initial discomfort up to family background and style. I'm from an extremely warm family. So for many years, I noticed that I also made "bad" first impressions based on someone seeming a bit cold.

But like you, I got to work with person after person whose first impression defied my family "warmth" prism and who turned out to be wonderful people, BETTER than a lot of those folks who show an outward warmth when you meet them. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

In this example, it taught me that first impressions sometimes don't count. I recall crying initially during the first few weeks at the start of that job because she seemed so cold towards me.

But as I got to know her, she actually had a great sense of humor and was kind and welcoming once I got to know her better. We ended up having a great work relationship and later best friends.

I do think in some cases it is possible to learn from those that rub us the wrong way. I think it's because they can push us out of our comfort zones. Even if we don't agree with them, we can analyze their actions and gain insight into how to interact with different people and deal with situations we may not agree with. There are some though that I just can't stomach and sometimes it is better to keep my distance from certain people altogether.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

I probably rub people the wrong way a lot especially other women as I don’t exactly fit any traditional role despite being able to masquerade in it or play the part. I just do not care anymore about impressing anyone moreso now than ever and feel very liberated and much happier. I feel like some women do resent me and more men ironically than women want to be like me. 

I don’t know if I dislike anyone as it takes way too much energy and I’ve found more than ever now that hating and disliking is for the youth. I don’t have the desire to even care that much to dislike anyone but I will pour my energy into things I love and enjoy doing. There’s such a pure joy that comes out of doing what you love and I’m addicted to that. Just doing what I love to do and more of it. 

[Alpacalia]

That is a really admirable attitude to have @glowsand I can totally appreciate that perspective. Though I tend to view it more so as it is impossible to like all kinds of people because some do have bad intentions or traits or habits that we do not like. Some people irritate me, and I (admittedly) annoy some people as well.

It was just something I was reflecting on from a couple past situations that I have encountered from time to time.

[glows]

I don’t like everyone. It doesn’t mean I dislike them either. I just don’t focus on people I don’t admire or may not want to know. It’s more about the way I use my energy. You get more and more selective over time about that.

Edited July 6, 2023 by glows

[Lotsgoingon]

I just don't trust first impressions when someone is "gruff" and seemingly cold. 

[Foxhall]

If a person is introverted it can take them a while to trust new people and vice versa for the new acquaintances to warm to them. A place I started working in a year ago - I have no doubt they categorised me as a complete oddball initially-  to be fair to them they have done their best to make me more comfortable and well its been a learning experience- learning more about them and learning myself that I am capable enough.

In a dating scenario a number of years ago I remember saying " I am too shy for you" and she replied " I think your not so shy"

and all of a sudden from out of nowhere we had chemistry.

letting the guard or the mask down I suppose is not easy for everyone.

[Ray_xx]

You are a clever one with self awareness at least and answered your own question - ''mirror things we dislike about ourselves'' I am and always will be the type of person you either love or hate - I find people take dislikes to me even though I am a loving person but I always know that it's due to the fact that they have unresolved issues in their own self. You have to look at what you dislike truly about yourself, because you know already and then work on it - write it down and don't envy others. Compare your envy and see what good you have that they don't

[Wiseman2]

I've heard of this same kind of breakdown:

 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

You are a clever one with self awareness at least and answered your own question - ''mirror things we dislike about ourselves'' I am and always will be the type of person you either love or hate - I find people take dislikes to me even though I am a loving person but I always know that it's due to the fact that they have unresolved issues in their own self. You have to look at what you dislike truly about yourself, because you know already and then work on it - write it down and don't envy others. Compare your envy and see what good you have that they don't

()

At first (the best friend that I met through work) she seemed unfriendly while I was bubbly. I thought she was rejecting my friendliness, which made me feel excluded. As time went on and we had to work closely together, I found that her initial demeanor was just her personality and she wasn't intentionally being unfriendly. Our working relationship and friendship outside of work quickly blossomed from there. 

The mirroring of things we dislike about others brings to mind a former coworker who frequently boastes about their office contributions, long working hours, and constant sacrifices for the company. Whenever they went on about it, my reaction was immediate - my face scrunched up and I tuned them out. It was a challenge to resist rolling my eyes. I can't help but question why their sense of self-importance is so overpowering.

Later, after coming home, I unloaded my frustrations to my then-boyfriend about feeling under-appreciated at work. I expressed how my efforts seemed to go unnoticed, and how I always had to pick up the slack for others. And then, it hit me...

I sometimes annoy myself. 

So, here's the deal - when I find myself disliking certain things in other people that I kinda hate about myself too, it can be a real eye-opener. And let me tell you, it's not always fun to face those truths. But hey, that's life, right? I can actually use these moments as a chance to level up in my own growth game. I think of it like taking those dislike vibes and turning them into life lessons. And look, I get it, it's not always a comfortable revelation.

Edited July 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

I always take an initial dislike to super-efficient women who take no nonsense, they intimidate me. I am a super-efficient woman who takes no nonsense 😂.

[Alpacalia]

I am more of a don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

If you're an unkind person, weak will be the last thing you remember about me. 

As the saying goes...

[LuckyM]

Interesting post.  As an older, maybe wiser member,  the opposite is true for me. I dislike arrogance, knowit alls, people full of themselves in any way. I try to be the opposite--modest and unassuming.  I dislike  large obese and tall people as I am the opposite--and I can't see around them. I realize this is superficial, shallow but I can't help it.

I think everyone likes those who look beautiful in their eyes and avoid those who are very unattractive, aesthetically. Not for romance only.

Even babies are attracted to certain kinds of faces, cultural and innate.

Many people are attarated to the opposite personality in marriage. Then a theory is that we are attracted to him/her because they remind us of someone in our past.

[Alpacalia]

On 7/15/2023 at 8:57 AM, LuckyM said:

Then a theory is that we are attracted to him/her because they remind us of someone in our past.

I've read that too. 😁

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Jealous people rub me the wrong way.  In regards to how they feel about me. [ ] .  My own sister is jealous of me and tries to even compete against me.  I have always been a people person but Yes, Certain people even in General-----Rub me the wrong way.  But I will end it Here, dear.  😐Good Topic.

Edited July 18, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gendered insults

[Alpacalia]

I was thinking about this a bit more with a former colleague.

Her behavior was too full on and anxious and overwhelmed we. So, that might be less about disliking her than about disliking her energy. It's hard for me to be around someone who is so intense. I found it difficult to relax. I'd also start to feel anxious and overwhelmed. So I think that's what I was reacting to, the intensity of her energy. For me, I think I needed to practice being more empathetic and understanding, while keeping a clear boundary around myself if needed, in order to protect my own well-being.

I understood and appreciate the qualities she brings, but it's too much for me to handle in large doses.

I think there are times when I am around too high energy I feel like running away and trying to find a place to be that is slower and calmer for me. It's definitely a process to learn how to navigate those situations, and not letting particular people define my space and comfort all the time obviously.

Edited July 31, 2023 by Alpacalia