Showing affection in front of his kid

[Lotsgoingon]

OMG, so the kid's on board with you. He really likes you, sounds like. That's great!

Now, the way to regulate how much time you are with the kid--which is reasonable--is by limiting/expanding time with the kid. The answer is not for him to go cold with no affection when you are around the kid. So you saw the kid in April, so that's three months now. 

Maybe bf is still a little unsure of the lasting power of your relationship? Whatever, definitely bring this up. You're not being selfish or unreasonable in any way. 

Are you sensing that this is indeed a serious relationship with some lasting power? I might give him a bit more time if he's worried that kissing you and then breaking up with you is the thing that he wants to protect the son from. I'd say October, which is your year-long mark, is a great "deadline" to have in your head. Again, I'm in the minority it seems in that I think a kid seeing his father hug a woman he's dating or hold her hand is fine. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what any of us think or even what you think, it’s how your boyfriend feels that matters here - and he is not quite ready. I would respect that. 

[MsJayne]

22 hours ago, Lorenza said:

 Also, nice of the last two commenters to focus on a word I used rather than me caring that the child will feel betrayed or supporting their co-sleeping.

Sorry if you took offence, certainly not intended, but I didn't focus on that element, I drew your attention to the fact that it comes across as you having a negative attitude towards the child. If English is your second language, OK, small cultural mistake. Also, your post doesn't come across as "caring for the child" or you being concerned about the unhealthiness of parent-child co-sleeping, it comes across as you being impatient to have the relationship in the open and the son being a hindrance to that, but again maybe a language barrier. If the boy's still sleeping in his father's bed I'm guessing he may have separation anxiety or some other issue that's developed as the result of his parent's divorce, and it can take a long time for that to subside. When a child starts worrying about the loss of a parental figure in their life they can become very clingy, and if another person comes into the picture and the parent shows affection and attachment to that person, the child may interpret that as the parent further slipping away. It sounds like your relationship is quite new, and again I would say the issue is the relationship status, not the sleeping arrangements. How would you feel if the son was sleeping in the middle of you and your BF?  

[Lorenza]

Some questions just answer themselves immediately! We were taking the train together after spending some days at my boyfriend’s mom and some lady started talking to my bf son. She referred to me as his mom and he corrected her “she’s not my mom, she’s daddy’s girlfriend”. So yeah, kids are not stupid  but I guess I was overthinking it, cause we spend time with my bf family and stuff, so of course he can guess I’m his dads gf. He watches kids shows and plays video games and knows that adults can be couples. Later I will talk to my bf about showing more affection during the days we’re all together. It’s not only his son knowing that we’re together, it’s also a bit isolating to not share any touch throughout the whole day, as someone mentioned. Maybe it’s me myself who starts doubting if I belong with them. But it might be ok. Bf is a very affectionate person, so maybe it will get better when we’re comfortable 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

. Maybe it’s me myself who starts doubting if I belong with them. But it might be ok. 

This seems to have something to do with it. The relationship is relatively new and it seems like you would like more confirmation about where you stand.

However pushing him for more PDA in front of his child is not really a milestone for the relationship in general.

Try to reflect more on the underlying insecurities in the relationship itself, rather than hoping PDAs in front of his child is a sign of more commitment to you.

[Gaeta]

So, practically speaking. Did you ever go to hold his hand and he avoided it? Would it be possible that he has not realized he's distant with you while the son is present? Did you bring that up to him?

[Lorenza]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So, practically speaking. Did you ever go to hold his hand and he avoided it? Would it be possible that he has not realized he's distant with you while the son is present? Did you bring that up to him?

Frankly I never tried to show affection to him first in front of his son. He does try to hold my hand, hug and kiss me when we’re alone in the room while his son goes to the toilet etc. I think he realises that he’s distant because he said he’s been thinking about it as well. Another thing is that we don’t interact much at all during the time his son is at home, it’s either him interacting with his son or me interacting with his son. Sometimes I feel quite distant after a whole day of this dynamic. I just wish things could be more relaxed and we as adults could at least have a conversation as well while his son is playing video games for example or if we could share a hug while we sit there watching the boy play would also be great. But bf always sits as far away from me as possible. His son seeks out contact with me so I don’t think he would be uncomfortable at all. Once they play fought and the boy hit his father a bit too hard, I came and jokingly caressed the place he hit saying “aww don’t hit daddy too hard, he’s so nice” and his son had the biggest smile on his face when I did. He’s a very nice boy overall 

[Gaeta]

@Lorenza: I am of the group that thinks show of affection in front of a 6 year old is just fine. Like you said we're talking hand holding, a quick kiss hello, a tender touch here and there.

So your boyfriend has been thinking about it and? Did he share his thoughts on it? 

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Later I will talk to my bf about showing more affection during the days we’re all together.

Personally, I don’t understand the need to show affection in front of the child. I don’t necessarily think that it’s a problem, if everyone is comfortable with it. But, your boyfriend is clearly not comfortable yet and you seem to think this is a problem. I don’t get it. 

Are you just really that needy, that you can’t go for a few hours without touching your partner? You are never alone such that you can have a quick kiss or hug? After all, you say he is affectionate when the child is not with you. I’ve been in your shoes and I think you need to respect your partner’s comfort level here. Give it time. 

The child is six - as long as you show him attention, he will like you. That said, he does not care how you define your relationship or whether you are/are not affectionate in front of him. He’s just living life. 

I don’t understand the need to force this by talking with your partner. Just let it happen naturally…

Edited July 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Are you just really that needy, that you can’t go for a few hours without touching your partner?

I was under the impression, and OP can correct me, that this is whole weekends with no affections. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was under the impression, and OP can correct me, that this is whole weekends with no affections. 

To which I would ask, are there no stolen kisses? When he comes into the kitchen and the child is watching tv - does he not give you a hug and a kiss? When the child goes to bed, do you not spend some time together cuddling on the sofa to watch tv? There is opportunity to show affection when he has the child but not in the presence of the child. We used to do this all the time - it was quite fun!

I understand his reluctance to be respectful in front of his child, given that you just met the child a few months ago and you are not his mother. Is there truly no affection or just not in front of the child? I’m just wondering, is this a need for affection or a need to make a statement and feel secure in this relationship/family? I understand both - but I think it’s pretty early on and her partner is clearly demonstrating that he’s not ready just yet. So, I’m just curious why this is an issue - 

Edited July 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Public affection before the kid is NOT the goal. 

The goal is for the OP and her bf to stay emotionally connected while spending the day with the kid. And I, like the OP, would have a hard time staying emotionally connected to someone if that person avoids all touch to the extreme of sitting as far as possible from me when the kid is around.  BF doesn't even feel comfortable conversing with the OP when the kid is occupied by some other activity. 

There is nothing needy about not wanting to spend hours with a partner who goes out of his way to not touch you and who doesn't emotionally acknowledge you--even for a minute here and there--in front of the kid. The bf is treating the OP potted plant when the kid is around. He is turning the OP's visits into something alienating and confusing. I'm with the OP that I find this distance offputting. 

There is a beautiful cycle that could get going here. OP visits and gets a greeting hug from bf and from the kid. Bf in effect brings the OP into the circle of energy with the kid. He catches her up and acknowledges her and establishes that close connection. The two then spend the day pretty much focused on the kid. But as they do so, the bf and the OP acknowledge each other with winks and occasional hand touches and snatches of conversation. They don't purposely touch in front of the kid, but they don't go out of the way to stifle all touch and attention because they are with the kid.  There could be a wonderful flow to the time together, even as the kid gets priority focus. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Another thing is that we don’t interact much at all during the time his son is at home, it’s either him interacting with his son or me interacting with his son.

This little bit here caught my attention. I would not like that dynamic. There is a need for activities that would bring the 3 of you together like  playing a boardgame together, cooking together, going to the park all together, etc. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Lorenza said:

it’s either him interacting with his son or me interacting with his son.

It tells me that he’s clearly not comfortable with the idea of being together with OP and his son. 

[Lorenza]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It tells me that he’s clearly not comfortable with the idea of being together with OP and his son. 

That’s wrong though as he says seeing us interact makes him so happy and he’s the one wanting us to spend time together while I suggested we maybe focus more on meeting on the weeks he’s free. I think the interaction part is just him being too keen on making it the best experience for his son so that he likes the time of us together

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

This little bit here caught my attention. I would not like that dynamic. There is a need for activities that would bring the 3 of you together like  playing a boardgame together, cooking together, going to the park all together, etc. 

ah, we do go to the park and to grandma or aunt. The boy is still a bit too impatient for board games, but I hope in the future we’ll be able to play all together 

[BrinnM]

This all sounds healthy IMO. Let it develop naturally. Right now his main focus is on his son. He wants him to be comfortable, and it seems to be working. Good job!

I don’t think kissing and stuff in front of a young child is necessary (right from the start). It can make them uncomfortable. Your BF’s kid sounds easy-going enough, though, so maybe that’ll convince your BF soon. 

[Acacia98]

On 7/7/2023 at 8:15 PM, Lorenza said:

That’s wrong though as he says seeing us interact makes him so happy and he’s the one wanting us to spend time together while I suggested we maybe focus more on meeting on the weeks he’s free. I think the interaction part is just him being too keen on making it the best experience for his son so that he likes the time of us together

Sometimes people with contradictory behavior have the least insight into that behavior. So you may want to take him words with a pinch of salt. IMO, he seems uncomfortable with the reality of you and his son being in the same space for long stretches of time. Maybe he needs time to get used to the reality and to navigate around the new dynamic. And if that's the case, it's fine. But he should take it as a sign that he should slow things down and allow things to develop organically. He shouldn't be insisting that you spend the night there. 

Of course, it's possible that his behavior is not so much a specific response to the interaction between you and his son. He may be reproducing an unhealthy family dynamic from his own childhood. This may be his typical behavior. And if that's the case, you will eventually need to figure out whether you can live with it in the long term.

Edited July 11, 2023 by Acacia98

[Lorenza]

Thanks for the insights everyone! The situation is pretty much solved. We had a talk some days ago and my bf said he really wants to show affection to me unconditionally and his son being around us doesn’t change that. And he has started doing that (of course we’re not having making out sessions in front of the boy!  ), but just small hugs and kisses makes me feel supported and gives me a bit of strength when we’re hanging out the three of us together. As I mentioned before his son knows I’m his girlfriend and he also knows the guy his mom is seeing is her boyfriend, kids are smart and insightful. 
There might be a good opportunity to start taking care of the co-sleeping soon as well. The boy is starting school at the end of August, so it’s a good time to be like “hey, you’re starting school now and you know what school children usually do? Sleep in their own room!”. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, that was easy. So what was the problem? He just needed you to speak about affection. He was acting---at least from your description he was acting--like someone terrified of being affectionate around the kid.

I don't get how the change can be so big and so easy without a lot of struggle. I'm happy for you, but a bit confused.

Actually I'll answer my own question. My guess is that he was feeling more comfortable getting affectionate in front of the kid BEFORE he actually got more affectionate ... so when you brought the matter up, he was ready for the change because he was thinking about it and he had reached a level of comfort with you and he feels the kid and you have reached a good level of comfort.

Congrats!

Edited July 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon