How much to share to my bf

[Gaeta]

Hello All !

Soon bf and I will be dating 1 year, time goes by fast eh! We are both head over heels for each other, we complement each other so well and it's been all amazing so far.

The only cloud standing over my parade is one of my brothers (whom I am very close to) and his wife do not like the fact my bf is Muslim, my mother has expressed some fear as well saying after 1 year she doesn't know him enough and you know these people can change on you once you're married (her words), and a 2nd sister-in-law expresses to all behind my back she doesn't like Muslim no matter how nice they are. 

On the other end both my daughters (36 & 19) adore my bf! 

My bf is a very liberal muslim, he's live & let live, he's a scientist and does not let any religious principals control him.

My question is: Should I let my bf know how some members of my family feel? Would you want to know in his situation?

I am so embarrassed by those family members! 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My question is: Should I let my bf know how some members of my family feel? Would you want to know in his situation?

 

This is a tough one. I probably would prefer not to know. As time  goes on, and they see how happy you are and how well he treats you they hopefully will change their beliefs about him. 10 years down the road it will just seem like a meaningless blip at the start of you relationship. 
 

But that being said, you know your boyfriend more than us. Is he someone that would want to know? If he found out later how they felt, would he be angry? 

[Gaeta]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

But that being said, you know your boyfriend more than us. Is he someone that would want to know? If he found out later how they felt, would he be angry? 

That's a good question, l don't know if he'd like to know. I know though if l tell him he will over do it to be accepted.

When l started introducing him to my family he would start right away to explain they don't have to adapt to him it's his role to adapt to us and l felt really bad he thought he had to almost apologize for being different.

[smackie9]

Nothing really tough about it....I bet money on it he's expecting it and has had to deal with it before. It's a common perspective that there is a tremendous stigma of women being oppressed, people being slaughtered, etc  attached to some extremist factions of this religion and it is what the news groups/ people's POV are focused on. But you are in your 50's....seriously who cares who you are dating. You are heading into your senior years, you know enough, seen enough, been through enough to know where to find your happiness. Go ahead and tell him. Like I said he's going to expect it anyways, and TBH I doubt he's not going to be too concerned. He will be understanding. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

: Should I let my bf know how some members of my family feel? 

No, don't tell him. It could come across as lslamophobic, and that wouldn't serve anyone in this situation.

Edited July 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 But you are in your 50's....seriously who cares who you are dating. You are heading into your senior years, you know enough, seen enough, been through enough to know where to find your happiness. 

Absolutely and that is why I am dating him and no one will have me change my mind ...my concern is with him and if this is something I should share, my concern is not with my family, they can huff and puff all they want. 

[central]

Will he meet your family? How will they treat him? He may be shocked if they are unpleasant, or he may not be surprised. I think he might want to be prepared to deal with unpleasantness than have to respond on the spot, which could go badly.

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, central said:

Will he meet your family? How will they treat him? He may be shocked if they are unpleasant, or he may not be surprised. I think he might want to be prepared to deal with unpleasantness than have to respond on the spot, which could go badly.

He's met my family yes, he accompanies me to my family get together. We have a trip planned to my parents in August, it will be the 3rd time he's meeting them. My parents like him, my mom thinks he's nice and funny but she thinks it could be a front, not because of red flags, she tells me she sees no red flags at all but because of the usual stereotypes people have toward muslims. 

Now that you mention spontaneous reaction, my bf and I dropped at my brother one afternoon to fix something on his tv. It was Ramadan month and my bf was heading to his Mosque right after so he was dressed in his religious outfit. When my brother saw my bf he said what the heck is going on! I jumped right in and said we have our holy week, bf has his holy month and my brother said oh ok I was confused for a moment. Like c'mon bro!! 

sigh.....

Edited July 5, 2023 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It was Ramadan month and my bf was heading to his Mosque right after so he was dressed in his religious outfit.

Then I heard from my family, for the entire month of Ramadan,  how unhealthy is it to fast, why does bf do that, it's unreasonable for a religion to request that type of fasting, what does he gain out of that,  blah blah blah. 

[smackie9]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then I heard from my family, for the entire month of Ramadan,  how unhealthy is it to fast, why does bf do that, it's unreasonable for a religion to request that type of fasting, what does he gain out of that,  blah blah blah. 

He's a scientist, he thinks with facts not with too much emotion when faced with a problem. 

[mark clemson]

If you tell him, he may find opportunity to address your family members' "concerns" up front. Hearing responses directly from him might help a bit. Might.

I agree with some above that he probably expects this and so won't be surprised if it surfaces. Keeping quiet about it is fine too IMO, as again he'll (most likely) expect that a few folks in your family have "issues" with him, he just won't know which specific ones.

Anyone can change once you get married (IF you even get married). Certainly doesn't have to be someone from a specific religion. You hear complaints about it all the time actually.

I happen to personally know a "horror story". A women I know had kids with a muslim man and after an acrimonious divorce, he basically took them and moved to his parent's country. She was completely cut off from her kids lives, and apparently he made a point of emphasizing how limited her legal options were to do anything about it.

No doubt that wasn't fun to live through. However, "horror stories" come from specific individuals, not cultures, although some may have specific laws/customs/etc that can be leveraged in specific ways. Horror stories about how higher wage-earners (often men) can be financially devastated in a divorce are common enough in Western culture, and in fact I know one of those, too.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

. When my brother saw my bf he said what the heck is going on! 

All you can do is apologize to your BF and say something simple and neutral such as that your family is not that worldly regarding other cultures. But don't tell your BF that they have prejudices. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Have you had any discussions with bf about your family's views (or his family's views)? Has he met bro & SIL and mom? How have they treated him in person (pushing aside what they are saying to you in private)? Has he asked any questions about how your family feels?

The key matter is this: What is your goal in telling him about the worries (I'm being polite here Gaeta) of your brother & SIL and mom? You don't just want to drop the feelings of the naysayers onto the table and say, "I just figured you had a right to know." Imagine he were to tell you that he has family members that think you are a devil. You wouldn't want him to drop this info without also giving you a lot of reassurance that he has your back and won’t think about abandoning you because of his family’s views.  

So if you decide you want to disclose this info, then you need to add in your own strong statement of independence and your commitment to him so that he feels safe. Otherwise, you're just neutrally reporting on what he would likely (justifiably) consider bigotry. Give him that reassurance statement even if he says he doesn't need it. We often will say we don't need explicit reassurance, but then we are grateful to get it and we feel safer as a result.

I’m curious about whether he has met the naysayers and how they have treated him in these meetings AND how he FELT treated by the naysayers. If they have treated him really well in person and he felt accepted, I don't think you owe him a report on the private stuff they've told you. Likely he assumes some of your family members have critical views of Muslims. 

I’m assuming you are thinking of this matter because you wonder if you have an obligation to him to report any prejudice against him in your family. Is that right? I’m not sure you have a blanket obligation to do so.

 

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[ShyViolet]

You should let those racist family members know that racism won't be tolerated.  They should be the ones made to feel uncomfortable, not your boyfriend.  He shouldn't have to be the one to bend over backwards to accommodate them.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Have you had any discussions with bf about your family's views (or his family's views)? Has he met bro & SIL and mom? How have they treated him in person (pushing aside what they are saying to you in private)? Has he asked any questions about how your family feels?

He has met my family and he is being treated in the best manners. Bf and my youngest brother & his wife have connected right away and they are big supporters of my bf. The 4 of us have a blast together and I know they have been telling my other siblings the many qualities they found in him. 

Concerning my over-protective brother I told my boyfriend just that, that he had always been very protective of me and after what happened with my ex he will need time to warm up to my next boyfriend. My bf said he understood that he'll need to prove himself to him and he's ok with that. 

He did not ask me how my family feels about him but he did ask me a couple of time if how he handles himself in front of them was ok and that if ever something bothered me to not hesitate to tell him. 

I am happy with one thing though, we had a family gathering this spring and my bf came with his 2 daughters 15 & 6 and my family was very warm and welcoming toward the girls and the 15 yo told her dad she really liked my family.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He has met my family and he is being treated in the best manners. Bf and my youngest brother & his wife have connected right away and they are big supporters of my bf. The 4 of us have a blast together and I know they have been telling my other siblings the many qualities they found in him. 

Concerning my over-protective brother I told my boyfriend just that, that he had always been very protective of me and after what happened with my ex he will need time to warm up to my next boyfriend. My bf said he understood that he'll need to prove himself to him and he's ok with that. 

He did not ask me how my family feels about him but he did ask me a couple of time if how he handles himself in front of them was ok and that if ever something bothered me to not hesitate to tell him. 

I am happy with one thing though, we had a family gathering this spring and my bf came with his 2 daughters 15 & 6 and my family was very warm and welcoming toward the girls and the 15 yo told her dad she really liked my family.

A scientist? Is he in chemistry? Bomb making?    I’m joking…..

the thing is on a bigger level are religious differences. The fact he is Muslim doesn’t matter as much.  At your ages it’s not as big of an issue because you both are passed having kids so child raising with different religions isn’t an issue.  
 

Since he has a young child under 10 .  How with any difference in raising kids matter?

given your prior relationships I can understand the caution with your family and you not getting hurt.

 

it’s your life…live it.

 

[Alpacalia]

My father is from Bahrain (background Shiite Muslim, converted to Christianity) and my mom's side of the family are Catholic. When my parents began dating both my father's side of the family and my mother's side had initial reservations but it eventually ironed itself out. Not without its challenges though.

Maybe they just need some time to warm up to him and get to know him better. So, give it a bit more time. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend expects others to adhere to his traditions. It's usually Muslim women with non-Muslim men that is more challenging.

Perhaps they will just give you a  hard time for a while and come around eventually when they can see for themselves that he’s a good person who makes you happy. Help your family get to know him better and maybe this will all go away in time.

 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[FMW]

I would probably not tell your boyfriend about what your family has said or their thoughts, at least not at this time.  As long as they are treating him well I would give it time.  Time for them to get to know him better and trust he is who he seems to be. I don't see anything to be gained right now from you sharing their thoughts with him.  

If he mentions anything amiss in how he feels they respond to him, or if you witness something yourself, then I would definitely speak up to the extent called for.  But otherwise, for now, I would let things flow and see if their views/concerns mellow.  

[Lotsgoingon]

So with the new information about him and  your family and him bringing his children to a gathering with your family (and things being fine) then no I don't think you need to tell him the ups and downs of all family members' opinions of your relationship. 

I do want to credit you, Gaeta. Wow, you are displaying high integrity and character to ask the question you asked here. Integrity requires us sometimes to look at very uncomfortable questions and think about the right thing to do.

Go you!!!!!

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

A scientist? Is he in chemistry? Bomb making?    I’m joking…

That was funny ;-)

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Since he has a young child under 10 .  How with any difference in raising kids matter?

I don't understand the question.