Why not a clean breakup?

[MsMoonshadow]

Sorry if this is a bit long winded but I thought some background would be useful…

I am a 41 year old women and was dating a man, also 41, for 1.5yrs. We have known each other for the last six years. I met “Fred” 6 years ago through the man I was dating at the time, “Ted”. He and Fred were childhood besties. Anyway, Ted and I became very serious, got engaged and shortly after I became pregnant. We decided to put off the marriage for a while since I had some medical complications during pregnancy and wanted to keep my own insurance before switching to my husbands which is more affordable. Well, the baby was born and Ted’s attitude towards me became aggressive. When she was 5 months old he hit me multiple times causing me an emergency room visit and CT scan. 
 

Ted was arrested and I was alone. I was not raised by my biological parents and had no close family to turn to. That’s when Fred stepped in. He started helping me by walking my dog and taking me to get groceries since I couldn’t drive for a while after the head injury. I thought that he would eventually move on once he saw that I was able to handle thing’s on my own again. But, when this subject was brought up he refused saying he wanted to continue seeing me and wouldn’t stop. Well, a year after the abuse and when my ex was finally sentenced Fred asked me to be his girlfriend and start dating him.

Anyway, things seemed like they were going well until he told me that he doesn’t like to call or text and he wanted to know how many days a week I expected a call or text and that his ex insisted on one everyday and he hated it. Well, this made me worried about texting or calling for any reason. So, I almost never did. What was worse is that a protective order on my ex was lifted and he would pop in all the time to see our daughter. I was finishing a degree and needed his help as my program and job fell outside or her daycare hours on certain days. I didn’t want to be alone with my ex so much but when I brought this up with my Fred he ignored this. 
 

Fred would come over every Saturday night and stay till late Sunday afternoon. He was fun to be around and was a reprieve from the rest of my life which was hard and depressing. He never asked me about my life or how I was doing because he assumed I would tell him. 
 

I was still processing the trauma I experienced and due to Covid had a hard time finding a therapist who took my insurance and was excepting new patients. I was ( and still am) on a tight budget and couldn’t afford to pay for therapy out of pocket. With all the stress from school, my ex, work, being a single mom, feeling lonely in my relationship and processing abuse I became kinda depressed and broke up with my boyfriend nine months into our relationship. He was completely blindsided. I felt very bad, doubted myself and we decided to stay together and work things out. However, ever since then I had to prove myself to mim. Fred wanted me to prove I could be happy and prove to him he could trust me to be “good”. He wanted to make a decision to go or stay in January but needed me to make him feel that the decision was right by making him feel happy and confident in the relationship again since Input doubt in his mind. 
 

I love Fred very much and did what I could to make him feel good about the relationship again. However, I felt on edge all the time like I was being constantly judged and evaluated. I didn’t know where I stood in the relationship and when I asked he would tell me something like your my girlfriend and then rattle of the type of partner he is looking for. After a while I started having emotional melt downs over this. I would cry and say we should move on. He always insisted we stay together though he still wanted me to prove myself to him. He said I should have called and texted him anyway even though he told me he didn’t like or want that. 
 

Well, I guess I couldn’t prove myself enough because I was becoming so emotional. He kept pushing the date of his decision if he was going to stay with me and try to be more serious and move things forward or leave me back. The weird thing is that he became very serious, booked a wedding venue, but told me he still hadn’t decided if he wants to be with me because I am mentally unhealthy due to my trauma. I admit I do get emotional and sometimes snappy. I try to always remain calm. I am seeing a therapist, taking medications, doing dbt. I never thought I was even outside the norm of what was normal except maybe I was a bit more emotional. Well, he went on a solo mini vacation to figure out if he wanted to stay with me or not. I didn’t act well a couple of days before he left and sobbed for him to decide before his vacation since I felt he should know if he wants to be with me or not. Well, he got mad at how emotional I was and said I was pressuring him( I was). 
 

So, he came back from vacation and broke up with me. I was Devi and didn’t handle it too well. He said he didn’t want to date someone with mental health problems and would only date me after I was completely “cured”. Then he said he would leave the door of our relationship open a crack and call on me once a week and hang not once a week to see how my therapy was going we wants to do this for two months. Then he said he would see after that if we can date again and he will need two months to decide if he wants to be with me or not but there are no guarantees. 
 

when I bring up the idea of just having a clean break up he states it’s worth it to him to to keep the door open a crack. He claims he was always the one pumping positivity into the relationship. 

Well, I feel like I should just walk away, but I miss him and don’t want to give up even though I feel like I’ll just be hurt in the end. Any advice that can be given is helpful. Thanks. 
 

Again sorry this was so long but just writing it out actually makes me feel better. Thanks for reading this. 

Edited July 8, 2023 by MsMoonshadow

[glows]

I lean towards working things through in a long term relationship but this man has proven that this wasn’t a relationship he was happy with and he’s judged you and made you feel inadequate in the process.

I would not stay based on his behaviour and emotional manipulation constantly keeping you on tenterhooks and on edge. I would daresay he’s now reliant and feeding off that need to see you constantly suffering and squirming. His judgment is so way off in keeping the door open a crack and reads as needing to be in control. He should never have engaged with someone so soon after and recovering from an abusive relationship. He’s so critical of you and can’t see the error in his own judgment staying in contact. My guess is he believes himself to be magnanimous and generous looking in on you once a week. It’s all about control.  

Why not look at support and resources in your community regarding help with care for your child and as a single mom. Don’t rely on relationships and partners for that. This man doesn’t accept you for who you are. 

 

[basil67]

Seems Fred and Ted are peas in a pod.  One is violent, the other is manipulative.

You're well rid of both of them

[Ageless Wisdom23]

This all sounds crazy.  And I imagine for You, Even crazier.  He never accepted you unconditionally and wanted this Picture Perfect woman with no mental issues and even Then------He never knew if he wanted the whole white picket fence or not.  Now that he has Left, He wants to be able to call the shots and leave the door open A CRACK?  That is because it would contain him still having sex with you with No Strings attached.  This Mental deal is perhaps a lame dick excu😒se. Don't enable this situation.  Tell him Bye, guy.  He is not for you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you have insight that he's just stringing you along while demoting you to FWB. 

Reflect if you are happy in the relationship and if being in this limbo is worth the headaches and heartaches.

Talk to trusted friends and family franky. It's really up to you to cut your losses and make a clean break.

Edited July 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, MsMoonshadow said:

Then he said he would leave the door of our relationship open a crack and call on me once a week and hang not once a week to see how my therapy was going we wants to do this for two months.

No, no, and even more NO. 

OP, you're too deep in the fog to see it but this man is emotionally abusive. He is incredibly manipulative and treats you horribly. 

14 hours ago, MsMoonshadow said:

when I bring up the idea of just having a clean break up he states it’s worth it to him to to keep the door open a crack.

Don't bring up the idea and yet again hand over all your power to him. You break up with him.  You walk away. 

14 hours ago, MsMoonshadow said:

I miss him and don’t want to give up

This tells me your self-worth is in tatters and you have lost perspective. You have also lost all sense of what you deserve, and what real love looks like. This is not it. This man is terrible. Please, do get into therapy and let a professional guide you out of this mess. When you get there, you will see that both of these men are low-quality and don't even deserve to be in your presence. 

[BrinnM]

He treats you like garbage. They both do. That’s why they’re probably friends. 

I understand that you’re probably lonely, and because of that you have been tolerating way too much of his nonsense. He’s pushing you around and it’s cruel.

Take matters in your own hands and tell him to get lost. You’re a young mom and you are working on a degree, and you probably have a job and you need to take care of a lot of things all by yourself ……. You don’t need the added stress of a flaky, abusive boyfriend. He doesn’t love you. At least he doesn’t act like he does!! And he doesn’t get to make decisions on your behalf, either.
It’s your life, and you decide what’s and who’s good for you. He’s definitely not. Everybody who gives you ultimatums, tells you that he will decide whether or not he will stay with you based on your “behavior”, and rubs your mental health issues and past trauma in your face, doesn’t have your best interest in mind. You’ll never be good enough for him, and he’ll dangle the carrot in front of your face forever. This is unhealthy! Be a strong mom for your little girl, and tell Ted and Fred to get lost.

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, glows said:

 

Why not look at support and resources in your community regarding help with care for your child and as a single mom. Don’t rely on relationships and partners for that. This man doesn’t accept you for who you are. 

 

I definitely agree with the above.  I wouldn't be so trusting of partners to help care for my child.   Try to reach out to your Foster parents for help if you need it.  They more than likely think of you as a daughter and will want to help. There are all  kinds of help for single mothers now so seek it out.  Also there's nothing wrong with putting men on pause until you finish your degree and get your life on track. Your self esteem will be healthier by then too.

[ShyViolet]

On 7/7/2023 at 11:41 PM, MsMoonshadow said:

Anyway, things seemed like they were going well until he told me that he doesn’t like to call or text and he wanted to know how many days a week I expected a call or text and that his ex insisted on one everyday and he hated it.

This is the point at which you should have had the self-respect to walk away.  No self-respecting woman would let a man stay in her life who announces at the beginning that he will not be texting or calling you every day.  And then it gets so much worse from there.  You basically went from one physically abusive man to another man who treats you like garbage.  This is horrible.  For the sake of yourself and your child, stay away from both these men and do not date again until you do some serious therapy.

[JTSW]

On 7/8/2023 at 4:41 AM, MsMoonshadow said:

Fred wanted me to prove I could be happy and prove to him he could trust me to be “good”.

 

On 7/8/2023 at 4:41 AM, MsMoonshadow said:

I felt on edge all the time like I was being constantly judged and evaluated.

 

On 7/8/2023 at 4:41 AM, MsMoonshadow said:

He always insisted we stay together though he still wanted me to prove myself to him.

 

On 7/8/2023 at 4:41 AM, MsMoonshadow said:

. He said he didn’t want to date someone with mental health problems and would only date me after I was completely “cured”.

I'm sorry but hell no.

You should never have to prove yourself to anyone and they should love you for who you are, not what they want you to be.

He is very manipulative and controlling and treats you just as crap as Ted did.

A person also cannot be 'cured' of mental health issues.

It's something we learn to live with for the rest of our lives and learn to deal with in our own way.

He is incredibly shallow in what he expected in a girlfriend and only cared about his own feelings.

A good partner would support you with your trauma and always be there for you to help in any way you need and vice versa.

Fred doesn't care about you and your trauma because he dismisses it and makes you feel bad for it.

Please cut contact with him and don't let him control you any longer.

You are in charge of your life and your decisions, not him.

 

 

[Lisa]

Hi folks, OP hasn't returned.  Best to hold off from posting for now

[ladyeatinggreens20]

Sorry you’re going through this. Although you likely know what to do at this point, it’s not easy letting relationships go especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time. 
 

I will say, a clean break would hurt for a little while but it would definitely give you more peace ,hopefully.

Take it easy and give yourself time to grieve and heal.