Boyfriend and his girl best friend

[dajana657]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling uneasy about the relationship my boyfriend and his girl best friend have. I've been in a relationship for 6 months and so far he's very caring and nice to me but he was mentioning his girl best friend way too much. Whenever we would talk about something he would say "oh my girl best friend does that, she has that too, she this she that..." one time he compared me to his girl best friend how she does something I don't and wondering why I don't do the same thing as her. I told him that this made me upset and he stopped. He always said that she wants to meet me in person, that she likes me ect. but I had a gut feeling that something isn't quite right. I took a chance when my boyfriend wasn't there to take his phone and read his messages. I saw that he took multiple screenshots of us arguing and sent it to her saying how I get on his nerves and then she was calling me bad names. I was in complete shock since we discussed this beforehand that some private stuff should be discussed only between us two. He screenshoted my vulnerable moments and sent it to her. Since I felt guilty going through his phone , I told him what I did and apologized and told him what I saw. He told me that he was just looking for advice on what to do in that situation since she's a girl, but nowhere did he asked "what would you do in this situation?" or "can you give me some advice?" he was just complaining to her. And when I told him about her calling me bad names he said "she was joking". I personally would never call someone bad names as a joke, and I find it hard to understand that. He was defending her the whole time but he never defended me when she started to call me names. I feel exposed, humiliated, hurt. He always talked everything positive about her to me and wanted us to meet. I would've felt like a fool if I was sitting across his girl best friend not knowing what she really felt about me. Since I told my boyfriend what I did and what I saw I also told him that I do not wish to meet this girl, I don't hate her but I just don't to be close to someone that thinks bad things about me when she never met me. He told that to his best friend and she said she'll be on his side no matter what. He told her that he loves her multiple times in the messages, I don't know if this is 100% platonic or not so I can't comment too much on that but I still feel uncomfortable.

 

Am I being delusional or do I have the right to be upset with this? I don't know what to do next. I still somehow feel uneasy about their relationship. Does anyone have any advice? 

[JTSW]

You have every right to be upset about this.

He holds her in a much higher regard than you.

He cares more about what she thinks that what you think.

He'll jump to her defence but not for you.

There is more to it with this girl than what he tells you.

She's clearly more than just his 'best friend'.

He should not be airing out your personal relationship issues with anyone because it's private.

You need to kick this guy to the curb because she will always come before you.

Edited July 10, 2023 by JTSW

[stillafool]

I can understand why you're upset.  Since she is his best friend, she's the one he vents to and she sounds like his fierce protector.  I would still go with him and meet her if I were you as you two might end up liking each other.  That would be ideal since neither of you are going anywhere, you might as well get along.  Does she have a boyfriend?

[dajana657]

11 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You have every right to be upset about this.

He holds her in a much higher regard than you.

He cares more about what she thinks that what you think.

He'll jump to her defence but not for you.

There is more to it with this girl than what he tells you.

She's clearly more than just his 'best friend'.

He should not be airing out your personal relationship issues with anyone because it's private.

You need to kick this guy to the curb because she will always come before you.

thank you for your reply, I appreciate it!

[dajana657]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I can understand why you're upset.  Since she is his best friend, she's the one he vents to and she sounds like his fierce protector.  I would still go with him and meet her if I were you as you two might end up liking each other.  That would be ideal since neither of you are going anywhere, you might as well get along.  Does she have a boyfriend?

Hello, thanks for replying. No, she's does not have a boyfriend 

[glows]

6 months is a good time to reevaluate if this guy is for you. Ignoring the fact that he has this gal friend and just refusing to meet her is not very smart. He sadly lacks discretion and judgment is poor. Why would you see a future with such a person. It’s a lifetime of senseless heartache. 

I’d respect the friendship he has with her and dump him. He’s already aware of the way you feel. I suspect a lot of his behaviour has to do with immaturity and stupidity in general, lack of self-awareness and treating people not with the way he would want to be treated but as a piece of meat and a toy.

Keep in mind that just because he has a bond with her doesn’t mean it’s beyond platonic. Some people just cannot keep their traps shut and are naturally disrespectful. You have to be wary of these.

What are your arguments with your bf about?

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, dajana657 said:

I just don't to be close to someone that thinks bad things about me

But yet, you are staying close to the boyfriend that hurtfully revealed your private moments?

She doesn't sound very pleasant, granted, but the problem isn't her. It's your boyfriend. It's one thing to vent to a friend or seek advice, but to actually send her your private communications is a complete breach of trust. He's the one disrespecting your relationship. I would have told him to take a hike, personally. 

57 minutes ago, dajana657 said:

He told her that he loves her multiple times in the messages

Add this to the mix, and I would see myself out today. He's emotionally invested in her, and it's coming at the expense of your relationship. 

I would not continue this relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, dajana657 said:

  I told him about her calling me bad names he said "she was joking". He told her that he loves her multiple times in the messages

Sorry this is happening. It's 6 mos dating and you have observed enough red flags to cut your losses. Set yourself free and spare yourself a lot of headaches, heartaches and drama that this snake seems to love creating. He's creating drama for his ego so he can imagine women having catfights over him. Discontinue texting him. He's making a mockery out of you. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, dajana657 said:

He was defending her the whole time but he never defended me when she started to call me names.

I am feeling pretty sad for you..

He isn't evening dating her, but he is prioritizing her over you. It may seem like there is an issue going on with that girl who's causing all the problems, but in reality, your boyfriend who is not standing up for you at all. 

I don't have any advice, and it looks like everyone else here has got you covered and said all I could say.

[dajana657]

2 hours ago, glows said:

6 months is a good time to reevaluate if this guy is for you. Ignoring the fact that he has this gal friend and just refusing to meet her is not very smart. He sadly lacks discretion and judgment is poor. Why would you see a future with such a person. It’s a lifetime of senseless heartache. 

I’d respect the friendship he has with her and dump him. He’s already aware of the way you feel. I suspect a lot of his behaviour has to do with immaturity and stupidity in general, lack of self-awareness and treating people not with the way he would want to be treated but as a piece of meat and a toy.

Keep in mind that just because he has a bond with her doesn’t mean it’s beyond platonic. Some people just cannot keep their traps shut and are naturally disrespectful. You have to be wary of these.

What are your arguments with your bf about?

thank you for your reply, I understand everything you said. The arguments were mostly about our different opinions on some stuff, nothing super serious. It still doesn't sit right with me that he shares this with his girl best friend. Thinking about all the things she said she definitely doesn't like me, she is just pretending she does.

[MsJayne]

Complaining about you to another woman? No, absolutely not acceptable. It would be bad enough if he was complaining to one of his male friends, but to another female, just no. He's disloyal and disrespectful, and she's a meddling busybody. There's no crime in having opposite sex close friends, but they're not the friend to turn to if you're having relationship problems and his excuse of wanting a female perspective is moot because he already has a female perspective - yours, and that should be enough in matters that are to do with your relationship. You're right in not wanting to meet her, because her perception of you is tainted by his gossiping about you. As for screen-shotting and sharing your conversations, I'd let him know that making that information available to third parties is an invasion of your privacy and, apart from being despicable behaviour, he's teetering on the verge of breaching privacy laws regarding telecommunications. He can share it because he was one of the parties involved the conversation, but if he's only sharing screenshots of what you said, with the aim of using that information to discredit you, he's pushing the envelope with regard to legality. This is based on Australian law, and may not apply in other countries. My advice is, find out about privacy law in your country and make sure you have your facts right, and then put the wind right up him about it, before pointing out that he gossips like an old woman in a bingo hall and dumping him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, dajana657 said:

Thinking about all the things she said she definitely doesn't like me, she is just pretending she does.

But do you understand how your boyfriend is actually the biggest problem?

[smackie9]

You are being treated like an outsider....time to dump him. Oh and never argue over text. Call them and speak directly, or do it in person. Nothing worse than someone taking screen shots of your text messages for others to see. Your BF is crass for doing that...he's acting like a 15 year old girl for christsakes. 

[Marykiss]

You have every right to be upset and concerned about this situation. Trust and open communication are vital in any relationship, and it's essential to address your feelings with your boyfriend. Express how his actions have made you feel exposed, humiliated, and hurt.

It's also understandable that you may feel uncomfortable about their friendship, especially when you saw messages expressing his love for her multiple times. It's essential to have a conversation with your boyfriend about your boundaries and what you consider acceptable in the relationship.