How do I get used to break up of 17 years

[Echo90]

Hi

i have come here for strategies and tips to help me function during our inevitable break up after 17 years together. I’m 32 and he is 33 so we got together really young. My experience of men before him wasn’t good, I was just 14 when I was taken advantage of by older guys who gave me strong alcohol. He wasn’t in a good place when we met either, his mum a drug user and brothers taken into care. We both have had dysfunctional upbringings watching toxic relationships through our parents and never properly learning how to communicate. We were young and could be really horrible to each other both verbally and physically.

I’m happy to say we are out of that now he his a bus driver and me a nurse but the foundations of our relationship have resulted in a constant cycle between us of betrayal, resentment etc. for some reason we have always come back together but never really gotten over the things we’ve done to each other. It’s so difficult to do what is right!

Now the past year I have changed massively, I have realised that you can only control yourself and so I have taken actions to improve communication, I am aware of all the walls we have enforced and I have struggled to express my emotions choosing to avoid instead and pretend everything is ok. I also realised alcohol to be a major factor and have quit completely. Most if not all of the things I have done that I regret have been alcohol induced and I realised my behaviours whilst under the influence didn’t match my true values and beliefs leading me to feel intense feelings of guilt and shame and so sorry for hurting my partner.

I must add we have both been as bad as each other and we both have narcissistic tendencies. I’m breaking that, I have gotten myself a therapist and I am undergoing childhood trauma therapy in the hopes of breaking down those walls and learning how to express emotions better and communicate more effectively.

The problem is my partner is doing zero internal work and when I mention how helpful it has been he is not interested. He gets really angry easily and it seems everything I do irritates him. Saturday just gone I was going out for the first time in a year and I just knew he would kick off, he regularly goes out most weekends and was out till 3 am the night before but after being verbally attacked for hours called a slag, rat and weasel he actually said weasel was my new name and he referred to me as that every time he verbally attacked the final straw was him throwing coffee on my outfit as I was about to go out the door.

Afterwards he confessed he had never really gotten over when I left him for 2 months 7 years ago and he despises me for it, he confesssed he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I already had a feeling of this just by his constant annoyance by my presence and him muttering everyday how his life is a nightmare. Now he’s saying he doesn’t want to break up but still says he feels like that, I am so confused.

On the one hand I feel I owe it to him to try as he forgave me when I left him all those years ago but he hasn’t really he still brings it up and has admitted his perception of me has changed. I know it’s a big mess and really we need to call it a day but I just don’t know how I will cope. I can’t eat and just want to spend my days sleeping, I’m not sure how I will get through work. We also have children. I guess I’m in need of advice tia x

Edited July 10, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[S2B]

Have you considered long term counseling to help you adjust to the changes? To also help you become independent and happy on your own?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Echo90 said:

 me a nurse . I also realised alcohol to be a major factor and have quit completely. . We also have children. 

Sorry this is happening. You've done a lot for yourself getting a good job and getting sober. 

Do you live together? How old are the children? It seems like you've tried to extricate yourself from this before realizing it's an abusive relationship.

You've already come a long way to straighten out your life. You just need to take that last step and get yourself and your children out of this abusive situation. 

Read up on abusive relationships. See if there are hotlines for support, information and help.

Also please consider therapy. Do not tell your BF. You need to unpack and sort out what's going on privately and confidentiality and you'll need support and clarity to finally break free from the cycle of abuse.

 

[Echo90]

18 hours ago, S2B said:

Have you considered long term counseling to help you adjust to the changes? To also help you become independent and happy on your own?

Hi thank you for responding, I have gotten myself a therapist and I am working on my communication skills and removing those barriers so I can better express my emotions and listen to him. I’ve been doing internal work for some time and got myself a therapist 3 weeks ago. I am practising daily meditation which seems to help it’s just hard to see forward. I had been practising what I had learnt in the weeks leading up to the split and I had also been trying to explain what I had been learning so he could benefit from some of the tools I have found helpful but he doesn’t listen to anything I say so it went in one ear and out the other. It’s only when he found my journal and read it that he said he could see id been trying. It seems I’m doing all this work and it’s made things worse or maybe it just a coincidence and it was the fact that I went out with my friends that brought it all back

[Echo90]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You've done a lot for yourself getting a good job and getting sober. 

Do you live together? How old are the children? It seems like you've tried to extricate yourself from this before realizing it's an abusive relationship.

You've already come a long way to straighten out your life. You just need to take that last step and get yourself and your children out of this abusive situation. 

Read up on abusive relationships. See if there are hotlines for support, information and help.

Also please consider therapy. Do not tell your BF. You need to unpack and sort out what's going on privately and confidentiality and you'll need support and clarity to finally break free from the cycle of abuse.

 

Hi thank you for replying

yes we live together, that has been a major issue for him re security too because he has had to leave on numerous occasions. I made a promise to not jump to telling him to leave in arguments but it really difficult because they aren’t normal arguments. He says the worst things, I feel as though I’m been hounded with abuse, I try to leave the situation and go to another room but he follows me continuing the abuse so I have struggled, resorting to telling him to leave as a way to escalate the situation. I’ve always know. It’s abusive and toxic but it emphasised with our surroundings in the initial stages and our tough childhoods and tried to understand we haven’t always been like this, we were reacting to our terrible circumstances. I have gotten a therapist and have been practising emotional regulation through meditation and I find it so beneficial. Just to have that peaceful time to collate emotions and thoughts and think rationally about them, I’m learning to feel them rather than avoid them so I can communicate better but it seems the work I have done has just brought all the issues to the surface. We made a pact not to bring up the past again and I did the work to ensure I wouldn’t do that and I haven’t but he hasn’t done that work and is still bringing up all the past issues. My children are 5 and 11. I’m due to qualify as a nurse in 7 weeks but he’s made it clear he won’t help with childcare whilst I work so I dunno where my life is going now

[FMW]

He's abusive and unsupportive.  That lowers not only your enjoyment of life but also your self esteem, making it more difficult to accomplish the goals for which you're working so hard.  The longer you stay in a situation the harder it becomes to end it.  If none of that inspires an urgency in you to make a change, think about what your children are learning from being in this environment.  

Don't delay.  Start making plans now to live without him, including what it's going to cost, including child care. If you have friends or family who can provide support, whether just moral or helping with child care, etc., start talking to them now.  

You don't owe him allowing him to treat you badly, regardless of anything that happened in the past.  If he (and you) can't get past whatever happened before, end the relationship.  Focus on your children, who are learning what a "normal" relationship is by your example.  

[Echo90]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

He's abusive and unsupportive.  That lowers not only your enjoyment of life but also your self esteem, making it more difficult to accomplish the goals for which you're working so hard.  The longer you stay in a situation the harder it becomes to end it.  If none of that inspires an urgency in you to make a change, think about what your children are learning from being in this environment.  

Don't delay.  Start making plans now to live without him, including what it's going to cost, including child care. If you have friends or family who can provide support, whether just moral or helping with child care, etc., start talking to them now.  

You don't owe him allowing him to treat you badly, regardless of anything that happened in the past.  If he (and you) can't get past whatever happened before, end the relationship.  Focus on your children, who are learning what a "normal" relationship is by your example.  

Thank you, we’ve been stuck for 17 years so yea it is so difficult and I often think we are teaching the kids the same communication styles that totally messed us up 😫

[glows]

It can be daunting starting over but do it anyway. You know he’s abusive. Many being abused are in severe denial. Don’t waste that awareness and move on. I’d seek legal aid for a private discussion on what next in terms of custody. Meditating is fine but not when it comes to legal matters. Don’t sit there and assume anything. Actually get real answers and plan your next steps.

[lucy davis]

Hey there, my heart goes out to you if you're going through a breakup after 17 long years. It's undoubtedly a challenging and emotional time, but remember, you're not alone in this journey. Here are some tips to help you get through this tough period and start healing:

Allow Yourself to Grieve: It's completely normal to feel a mix of emotions after such a long relationship ends. Give yourself the time and space to grieve the loss and process your feelings.

Reach Out for Support: Don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family during this time. Talking about your emotions and having a support system can make a world of difference.

Focus on Self-Care: Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it's spending time in nature, practicing hobbies, or getting involved in new interests.

Avoid Dwelling on the Past: It's tempting to replay memories and what-ifs, but try to focus on the present and the future. Dwelling on the past can hinder your healing process.

Consider Professional Help: If you find it difficult to cope or move forward, seeking help from a therapist or counselor can provide valuable guidance and support.

Give Yourself Time to Heal: Healing from a long-term breakup takes time, so be patient with yourself. Allow the healing process to unfold naturally.

Set New Goals: Take this opportunity to set new personal and professional goals for yourself. Rediscover your passions and aspirations.

Limit Contact, at Least Initially: While remaining friends might be possible in the future, it's often helpful to limit contact immediately after the breakup to give yourself space to heal.

Accept the Change: Change is inevitable, and accepting that the relationship is over is an essential step towards moving forward.

Don't Rush into New Relationships: Give yourself time to be single and rediscover who you are as an individual before jumping into a new relationship.

Write or Journal: Expressing your feelings through writing can be therapeutic. Keep a journal to vent, reflect, and track your progress.

Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices can help calm your mind and reduce stress during this tumultuous time.

Embrace the Learning Experience: As painful as it may be, use this breakup as a learning experience. Reflect on the relationship and identify any patterns or lessons you can carry forward.

Surround Yourself with Positivity: Seek out positive influences, be it uplifting music, inspirational books, or motivational podcasts.

Remember, You Deserve Happiness: Lastly, remind yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. The end of a long relationship does not define your worth or future prospects.

click here for more help on marriage  https://tinyurl.com/mv69tnxj

 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like you've grown up and he hasn't. You're interested in growing as a person and he isn't.  As long as he chugs alcohol in large quantities he probably won't change. People think a hangover is the extent of alcohol damage, but it does much more than make you feel seedy, it affects brain chemistry and causes negative emotions and a negative attitude in many people, but you probably already know that because any minute you'll be a nurse . I say the reason he's so abusive towards you is that he's terrified of losing you, he possibly doesn't understand the dynamics of a co-dependent relationship, the only thing he sees is that you're changing as a person and he's threatened by that because the person you're becoming won't put up with abuse - maybe that's what he means when says he perceives you differently, he can smell your self-esteem lifting. I'd be interested to know whether the abuse intensified when you enrolled to become a nurse? I ask because the juxtaposition of your two jobs, you a nurse, (highly respected profession, rewarding profession, requires significant education), him a bus driver, (reliable, respectable employment but not a vocation many people do by choice), makes me wonder whether he's felt threatened for a long time but you having a superior job is his last straw, his self-esteem can't take another hit, and he's unable to articulate it because his male ego won't let him. Possible food for thought. Anyways, I hope you survive the emotional wreckage of the breakup, I hope your kids will be OK, and I hope you can be friends one day. I've always found that the best way to survive emotional trauma is to look forward and reassure yourself that everything will be OK in the end. Sending you a hug