ell345 Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 I don't know where to begin, so I net a guy and we get on really well most times and have a great sex life , but I'm not keen on a relationship which I have been honest about from day scratch, he's very needy needs constant attention , so we could have a great week , and when the weekend comes he gets on the drink and it becomes worse , he goes totally weird if I'm not showing him attention. Hell message me and say can't do this and need to go out seperate ways and then joins a dating website , Soo instead of talking bout things he's already talking to someone else and then I I get confused and want him again. I don't Know what to say bout it I don't understand what is going on . Help Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 34 minutes ago, ell345 said: have a great sex life , but I'm not keen on a relationship How long have you been seeing each other? How old is he? Are you happy with the no strings situationship? If he's getting drunk and obnoxious, don't see him or communicate. It's unclear why you want no strings then get upset that he's on dating apps. Unfortunately the situation seems unhappy and filled with a lot of drama and headaches. Why not free yourself from this and find the type of man/situation that suits you better and treats you much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 It sounds fairly straightforward. You want the benefits of being in a relationship without the obligations involved and the mixed messages are making him confused as well as you. You're expecting him to be in a relationship, but only on your terms, which is a situationship and is not particularly healthy unless both parties feel nothing for the other person . He obviously wants a proper relationship, and you can't give him that, so when he goes back on the dating site just let him go instead of reeling him back in again. Have you asked yourself why you only seem to want him when he appears to be losing interest? Does it bother you that he can let go so easily? Why do you want to "talk about things", (I assume this means work things out), when you don't want a proper relationship with him? Keeping someone around as a convenience and expecting them to be OK with it is worrying behaviour. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 10, 2023 Share Posted July 10, 2023 It is unfair to him if you begin to lead him on and then pull back when he starts to show interest. Instead of allowing him to take control of the situation by trying to manipulate you, tell him honestly that you are not interested in a relationship. If he is being needy and demanding attention, you don't need to meet those requests, as this will only create an unhealthy pattern of behavior. If he starts messaging you when he is drinking and that has become a problem, then make sure you take some time to distance yourself and focus on what you need and want. In these kinds of situations, it's hard because you're drawn to someone for certain reasons, but there's something about them that scares you. Trust me, if you feel safe and seamless in someone's company, you won't feel unsure about a relationship. A relationship must raise some red flags as to why you aren't interested. Too bad we can't turn emotions on or off, but we can use logic to move past someone. So, while you don't need to feel comfortable to start a serious relationship right now, such a personality trait (commitment avoidance) can cause pain to you and others. There's nothing unusual about not wanting to commit to someone you like halfheartedly; however, you might want to consider what it is inside of you that makes you feel this way about someone you really like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 5 hours ago, ell345 said: Soo instead of talking bout things he's already talking to someone else What is there to talk about? You have told him you don't want a relationship. He's free to seek out other people. If you have changed your mind about wanting to date him, speak up and say so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 He's clearly not coping with this casual non-relationship, so quite rightly is going to start looking elsewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 It sounds like he he has a bit of an issue and may even be a "Problem Drinker" as well. You don't want a relationship anyways. This one acts like he needs attention and if he cannot get it from You, This Fickle Pickle goes on a dating website to get 😑it. I'd drop him. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 The arrangement you and him have need to end. It doesn't work for him. He needs more than what you are offering. Do him a favour and don't contact him anymore. Let him find someone who can love him and give him what he wants. Stringing him along like you are is not good for him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 Why haven't you told him you to are looking for different things and therefore are not compatible? Stop leading him on by having sex with him. Be honest with him that you don't want a relationship and find another guy for sex who isn't interested in having a relationship with you. Be fair. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 Sounds like an alcoholic with a short attention span or just not that into you. Come on, girl. You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 It's not working out. Dump him and find someone else that is more on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 11, 2023 Share Posted July 11, 2023 You need to stop wasting this guy's time and playing with his emotions. You told him that you don't want a relationship. But then when he goes out to meet someone else, you "change your mind." That's inconsiderate and you know deep down that you don't want a relatioship with him, or you wouldn't have told him that in the beginning. Stop playing games with this guy and let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ell345 Posted October 11, 2023 Author Share Posted October 11, 2023 (edited) II don't know where to begin, so I met a guy and we get on really well most times and have a great sex life , but I'm not keen on a relationship which I have been honest about from day scratch, he's very needy needs constant attention , so we could have a great week , and when the weekend comes he gets on the drink and it becomes worse , he goes totally weird if I'm not showing him attention. Hell message me and say can't do this and need to go out seperate ways and then joins a dating website , Soo instead of talking bout things he's already talking to someone else and then I I get confused and want him again. I don't Know what to say bout it I don't understand what is going on . Help have been totally honest with him from day scratch , and I have read all your comments and reading other people's responses has made me realise what it seems like I am doing, and I didn't see it that way , he can't have his cake and eat it two , maybe that's how I see it, he is meeting other girls , what I didn't mention in my post is that we live together so it is alot harder then just seeing him here and there I see him everyday and have to see him text other women. I'm not aloud to meet anyone or talk to any blokes and I don't cause I don't want to, But then blatantly lies to me when really he doesn't have to tell me anything but we have always been honest with each other through everything... he is needy of needing someone in his life. But then meets these girls and doesn't want to go further with them cause he couldn't do it to me ?? So please tell me and I still selfish ... Edited October 11, 2023 by ell345 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2023 Share Posted October 11, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, ell345 said: we live together so it is alot harder then just seeing him here and there I see him everyday and have to see him text other women. How long have you been living together? Was the understanding that you would be a couple or just roommates who have sex and date others? Perhaps it's time to move out if he has a drinking problem as well as playing games with regard to dating apps and defining the boundaries of the relationship? It doesn't seem to be working as roommates or an open relationship. Edited October 11, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2023 Share Posted October 11, 2023 Why haven't you dumped this guy by now and found a man who just wants casual sex and nothing else? You are being selfish and greedy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 11, 2023 Share Posted October 11, 2023 It seems like the guy is very insecure and needs constant reassurance and attention. You've been honest with him from the beginning about not wanting a relationship, but it seems like he's hoping that he can change your mind. And now, it looks like he's trying to make you jealous by talking to other women. Honestly, why stay in this situation when you're just looking out for yourself? Let him go and find someone who is on the same page as him. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted October 16, 2023 Share Posted October 16, 2023 On 10/11/2023 at 7:00 PM, ell345 said: what I didn't mention in my post is that we live together Yep, that's quite a big thing to not mention. I'm going to assume it's a flatmate situation that turned sexual at some stage and now it's gotten awkward because he's repaying your, (insulting from his point of view), disinterest in a relationship with him by using passive-aggressive behaviour, (date sites, being gobby when he's drunk), to manipulate or antagonise you. You paint him as a needy attention hound who becomes obnoxious when mixed with alcohol, so it's probably safe to say you don't want a relationship with him. Maybe make the decision to stop sleeping with him and accept that he has a right to date as many women as he likes. It sounds as if he's interested in a relationship with you but your antics are bringing out a bad side of him. My advice would be to have a respectful conversation with him about what's been going on and agree to stop sleeping together, and to treat each other with courtesy and consideration until one of you finds somewhere else to live. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16, 2023 Share Posted October 16, 2023 (edited) On 7/10/2023 at 5:44 PM, ell345 said: I don't know where to begin, so I net a guy and we get on really well most times and have a great sex life , but I'm not keen on a relationship which I have been honest about from day scratch, he's very needy needs constant attention , so we could have a great week , and when the weekend comes he gets on the drink and it becomes worse , he goes totally weird if I'm not showing him attention. Hell message me and say can't do this and need to go out seperate ways and then joins a dating website , Soo instead of talking bout things he's already talking to someone else and then I I get confused and want him again. I don't Know what to say bout it I don't understand what is going on . Help If you're not looking for a relationship ad have expressed that to him from day one, why are you still clinging to him knowing he wants more. Why haven't you moved on to a man who is not looking for a relationship and set this guy free to find a woman who wants what he wants? He should be talking to someone else, why do you care about that? Stop being selfish? Go NC and stick to it. Edited October 16, 2023 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 16, 2023 Share Posted October 16, 2023 I'm not sure what your issue is. I get that you like him, so you're having some feeling around him basically losing interest in you ... but you don't want to be in a relationship with him. Casual hookups can be fun but they will generally be short lived. If the relationship can't progress, what is the point? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts