Move in with me?

[mortensorchid]

I was texting my boyfriend tonight.  We usually text "good morning I love you" messages in the morning, we chat at night on the IM.  He said he was watching this movie Cabin in the Woods (look it up) and then sent me a photo he took of a sex scene between two characters.  The woman was blonde - I said I am brunette and more exotic than she is, or am I too Girl Next Door?  He said "I wish you were the girl next door then we could be together everyday".

Oh... Today I saw my shrink and let her know of things.  She asked if we live together and I said oh no it's only been a year since we have been together.  She said "it's the modern world".  I said I am not thinking about that now, years down the road maybe but not now.

I answered him though with "Perhaps..." then said I was turning in.  

Does he want to move in with me?  I am not bringing that up by any means.  Or am I just being paranoid? 

[basil67]

I see it as a lovely compliment rather than a suggestion of moving in.   If he was hinting at moving in, he would have said something about I wish you lived with me.  

Glad things are going so well

Edited July 12, 2023 by basil67

[MsJayne]

Sounds like he might any minute  

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Don't bring up the subject again unless he does and then set him straight.  And living with him may not even be like in The Donna Reed Show.  Picture Perfect.  You don't seem in any hurry yourself.😃

[JTSW]

He just wants to be closer to you that's all.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

... Today I saw my shrink and let her know of things.  She asked if we live together and I said oh no it's only been a year since we have been together.  She said "it's the modern world".  

Is this a new therapist? Definitely strange she doesn't know the basics about your living dynamics or relationship or much about you.

Is this a distance situation? How often do you see each other? It sounds like he misses you. 

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

He said he was watching this movie Cabin in the Woods (look it up) and then sent me a photo he took of a sex scene between two characters.  The woman was blonde - I said I am brunette and more exotic than she is, or am I too Girl Next Door?  He said "I wish you were the girl next door then we could be together everyday".

It sounds like you are feeling a bit insecure about how your boyfriend responded to your question. Is he reassuring you enough to your satisfaction? Maybe his response was less than what you were expecting and you are wanting more affirmation. I would take his comment as a light-hearted response to your question of being the "girl next door" and that he wishes he could see you more which is a sweet sentiment. He likely meant it in a joking manner and it’s his way of showing that he misses you and wants to spend more time with you. 

It doesn't sound like he is necessarily suggesting to move in with you, unless he has brought that up previously? 

It's really up to you to take the initiative and bring it up with him if you are anxious or wanting more clarification. I also don't think a therapist should recommend someone's decision to move in together because it's the "modern world."

Edited July 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Cabin in the Woods (look it up)

I saw that movie twice and loved it! We're big on horror movies at my home.

16 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I answered him though with "Perhaps..." then said I was turning in.  

Does he want to move in with me?  I am not bringing that up by any means.  Or am I just being paranoid? 

Well Morten: You 2 are in a one year relationship and you should be able to bring up any type of topics right? After 1 year dating I think he should know you are not wanting to live with someone for a few years so he's given the opportunity to decide for himself if he's ok with that. 

The subject would be clarified, absolutely! nothing uncomfortable about it. After almost a year dating I asked my boyfriend if he sees himself living with someone again and what is his position on that subject. Things are clear, there is no paranoia and no 'what did he mean'. 

Morten take care of that relationship, be open and communicative. 

Edited July 12, 2023 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Sounds like he wants to spend more time with you. When comments like that come up, don't be so dodgy. He's going to feel rejected/dissed and assume bad things. You could have said you miss being with him too. 

[mortensorchid]

I realize that now, it was just him saying he wanted to be with me.  I am not making any moves towards anything other than what it is at the moment.  And I don't believe in living together - it doesn't work.  

[Ami1uwant]

27 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I realize that now, it was just him saying he wanted to be with me.  I am not making any moves towards anything other than what it is at the moment.  And I don't believe in living together - it doesn't work.  

I dontnkno much about your relationship.

 

have you spend night/ weekends together?  How much drive ti e is there?

[Alvi]

51 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I realize that now, it was just him saying he wanted to be with me.  I am not making any moves towards anything other than what it is at the moment.  And I don't believe in living together - it doesn't work.  

Have you talk to him about this? Do you see eye to eye regarding living (or rather not living) together? There is no rights or wrongs here but he should be aware how you feel regarding this subject.

On 7/11/2023 at 8:12 PM, mortensorchid said:

He said "I wish you were the girl next door then we could be together everyday".

He is saying that he wants you to be in the house next to his, not living together in the same house.

[basil67]

I'm wondering the same thing.  Does he know that you don't want to move in with him?   At one year in, this is the time you should be talking about this stuff and learning each other's preferences

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

And I don't believe in living together - it doesn't work.  

Did you tell him? This is important information to him.

[smackie9]

You are assuming instead of asking. That kind of thing can be detrimental to a relationship. Open honest communication is not a negative thing. 

[mortensorchid]

We had somewhat touched on it in the initial.getting to know basic facts about each other.  I asked him of he ever loved with anyone before, he said no.  I said I never have either.  He said he had 4 serious girlfriends in his lifetime (his high school sweetheart, 2 in his early 20s, and the last he was off and on with for 15 years - no really).  

[FMW]

One  year into  the relationship you should know what  each  other's thoughts  and feelings  are  about living together,  getting married, etc. whether  now or in the future.  I think he  probably  meant  he would like to  see you  more often, not  live  together.  You  should definitely  have a conversation  about  what  you  each  want and make sure  you're on the  same  page and not be guessing based  on other non-specific  conversations.

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

I asked him of he ever loved with anyone before, he said no. ............He said he had 4 serious girlfriends in his lifetime 

If I were you I  would be curious  --  what  is  his  definition  of a  "serious"  girlfriend  if  he  was  never  in   love?  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

We had somewhat touched on it in the initial.getting to know basic facts about each other.  I asked him of he ever loved with anyone before, he said no.  I said I never have either.  He said he had 4 serious girlfriends in his lifetime (his high school sweetheart, 2 in his early 20s, and the last he was off and on with for 15 years - no really).  

There's nothing here to suggest he knows that you don't want to live together before marriage.  He needs to know

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

If I were you I  would be curious  --  what  is  his  definition  of a  "serious"  girlfriend  if  he  was  never  in   love?  

Agree.

Which, begs the question, why did he choose to stay in those relationships if he wasn't in love with any of them?

I suppose everyone's love and attachment styles are different, and it's possible that he was content in his relationships without feeling a deep romantic love for them. How do you feel about this? Do any of his answers give you more insight into his approach to relationships?

I understand your boyfriend's comment made you feel uneasy. More likely than a serious statement about moving in together, your boyfriend's response was more about wanting to be closer. Since you touched on the topic earlier, it's possible the conversation naturally led him to this comment.

But you still need to get a better sense of what each other is thinking. It's obviously been weighing on your mind.

Though your boyfriend might have joked about living together, that doesn't mean he's ready to move in now. Maybe he's just comfortable expressing his feelings because you've discussed it at least in passing? Try to get on the same page conversationally. There's no need to rush into anything and if you don't feel ready for it now, then it's ok to tell him that.

Edited July 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

19 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

We had somewhat touched on it in the initial.getting to know basic facts about each other.  I asked him of he ever loved with anyone before, he said no.  I said I never have either.  

But that's off topic no? 

Did you ask him how he views living with someone some day?

[mortensorchid]

I am sorry, that was a typo - he never LIVED with anyone, not loved.

[basil67]

@mortensorchid you've said in the past that you value keeping your thoughts to yourself and not letting people in.  I'm wondering if this what you're doing with your boyfriend?   Because you will need to open up if you're to plan a future together which meets both your needs.

[FMW]

Thanks for the clarification.  I would say if he's had four serious relationships but never lived with any of them, he's probably not going to be inclined to  want to move in together for a while at least.  But  the only  way to know what he thinks is to have a direct conversation about it.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/11/2023 at 10:12 PM, mortensorchid said:

, or am I too Girl Next Door?  He said "I wish you were the girl next door then we could be together everyday".

You brought up 'girl next door' and he parlayed that into he misses you. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with living together. 

[Alpacalia]

Morten, I think you need to ask yourself why you're reading into a seemingly non-suggestive comment. He inferred that misses you and you think he wants to live with you. That's so far-reaching. I think you are being a bit paranoid, and you don't have to read too deep into what he said. It certainly wasn't a comment to be offended by. In fact, it seems like a sweet and romantic expression of wanting to be with you. That's it. So no, he doesn't want to move in with you, he just wants to be closer with you.