She's 'perfect' but he's having an affair [UPDATED His wife is checking my social media]

[JJ_1990]

Hi everyone, I’m having some trouble getting my head around this.

I have been in a relationship with a married man for over three years now. He has had a string of affairs before me (going back 12-15 years at least) and has been happily married throughout. 
hr often tells me his wife is perfect. If he has been cheating for almost their entire relationship, how can she be perfect? You don’t cheat on the perfect woman, right?

Edited October 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, JJ_1990 said:

 You don’t cheat on the perfect woman, right?

If you go to a restaurant both dinner And dessert can be "perfect".

Cheaters don't think in terms of either/or the way their lovers do. They think in terms of And. Wife And mistress, not wife Or mistress. 

This guy thinks everyone in his harem is "perfect", in their respective roles.

Edited July 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JJ_1990]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you go to a restaurant both dinner And dessert can be "perfect".

Cheaters don't think in terms of either/or the way their lovers do. They think in terms of And. Wife And mistress, not wife Or mistress. 

This guy thinks everyone in his harem is "perfect", in their respective roles.

Interesting…but he doesn’t think I’m perfect that’s for sure. He often tells me my opinions are wrong as well as my values/beliefs. He also tells me when we fight that I am the only problem in his life.  Thoughts?

[S2B]

It has nothing to do with her being perfect.

it has to do with him - he cheats - he’s always going to cheat - even when his wife is perfect.

why is this affair appealing to you? IF he was ever with you - he would always cheat.

you want that kind of man?

[JJ_1990]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

It has nothing to do with her being perfect.

it has to do with him - he cheats - he’s always going to cheat - even when his wife is perfect.

why is this affair appealing to you? IF he was ever with you - he would always cheat.

you want that kind of man?

I wouldn’t want to be with him in a proper relationship, it would never work. I just don’t understand how he can cheat on the perfect wife. Plus it makes me feel bad because I’m placed alongside this perfect woman and it’s a very unpleasant feeling. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, JJ_1990 said:

. He often tells me my opinions are wrong as well as my values/beliefs. He also tells me when we fight that I am the only problem in his life.  

Dump him. He's tearing you down and devaluating you. You have the option to walk away and find decent honest single men who respect you. It's really that simple. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, JJ_1990 said:

 Plus it makes me feel bad because I’m placed alongside this perfect woman and it’s a very unpleasant feeling. 

So why are you allowing this to continue?

[stillafool]

He thinks he's got it all because he has women on the side and the "perfect wife" at home all to hisself.  What a stud.  What do you get from having sex with the Perfect wife's husband?

[MsJayne]

Oh oooh, I smell a hybrid narcissist-misogynist. What he calls "happily married" actually translates as, "conveniently married", which means that he married a woman who presents well and is willing to tolerate the psychological and emotional abuse without making a fuss.  Praising his wife to you is intended to be belittling towards you. The implication is that she's superior to you, wife material, whereas you're OK as a side piece but he could never be seen with you at the annual country club ball. I would question his real reasons for having a mistress. Sex is one thing, but it sounds like he also has a need to degrade women. He's doing it you, and he's doing it to his wife. You're in the better position because you can get away from him without a vicious court battle, his wife can't. He gaslights you, and he undermines your confidence. If you continue with this man, I hope you're at least being compensated in some way for the fact that he's slowly eating your soul. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

He often tells me my opinions are wrong as well as my values/beliefs.

Like thinking it’s okay to have an affair with a married man for example? 

[Luna66star]

Realize that whatever comes out of MM mouths is all BS.  Do not believe anything they say please!  He's a con artist.

Please run faster than a cyclone zooming through the Sierra Desert flatlands!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JJ_1990]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

So why are you allowing this to continue?

Because I love him I guess. Having him meets some needs in my life and I guess I put up with the crap because without him I have no one. I know how pathetic that sounds. I have lost a lot of prominent people in my life this last couple of years and I don’t know if I can handle losing another. 

[JJ_1990]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

He thinks he's got it all because he has women on the side and the "perfect wife" at home all to hisself.  What a stud.  What do you get from having sex with the Perfect wife's husband?

It’s more than just sex, I know he loves and cares for me and he makes an effort to see me. I get to feel loved which is a pretty big deal for me. 

[JJ_1990]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Oh oooh, I smell a hybrid narcissist-misogynist. What he calls "happily married" actually translates as, "conveniently married", which means that he married a woman who presents well and is willing to tolerate the psychological and emotional abuse without making a fuss.  Praising his wife to you is intended to be belittling towards you. The implication is that she's superior to you, wife material, whereas you're OK as a side piece but he could never be seen with you at the annual country club ball. I would question his real reasons for having a mistress. Sex is one thing, but it sounds like he also has a need to degrade women. He's doing it you, and he's doing it to his wife. You're in the better position because you can get away from him without a vicious court battle, his wife can't. He gaslights you, and he undermines your confidence. If you continue with this man, I hope you're at least being compensated in some way for the fact that he's slowly eating your soul. 

I love this response, I think a lot of what you are saying is right. He’s a very complex guy…he has said in the past his wife doesn’t challenge him, there is no real desire there and honestly I think he finds the marriage boring at times. She is very passive and will never stand up to him despite being warned several times in the past that he is having affairs. Without him she has nothing (financially) and she isn’t a very independent woman, she needs a man to depend on on life. I am the opposite. 
He says I top up the things that are missing at home. He has also told me I am better than her in many ways (in every way)  but lately he keeps with the ‘she’s perfect’ narrative. I have asked myself if he is saying that because she lets him play his games and never questions - exactly like you said. A very insightful reply, thank you! 

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy tells you exactly what you want to hear, because he knows it keeps you hooked. Please don't assume he's being sincere about any of it. 

3 minutes ago, JJ_1990 said:

she isn’t a very independent woman, she needs a man to depend on on life. I am the opposite.

Well, that's not really true, is it? You wouldn't tolerate such crappy treatment from this man if you were as independent as you think. I don't mean to be unkind, but you need to get some perspective here, and understand that you are not above his wife. You and he cut her down, but what about your own behaviour in this scenario? 

[Will am I]

9 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

You don’t cheat on the perfect woman, right?

Cheating has very little to do with the partner and very much with the cheater.

 

[BrinnM]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Praising his wife to you is intended to be belittling towards you. The implication is that she's superior to you, wife material, whereas you're OK as a side piece but he could never be seen with you at the annual country club ball.

Yup. This. Exactly this. 👆🏼

But make no mistake ——>>> this guy is one of those who gets off on degrading the women in his life, no matter who they are, mistress, wife, female coworkers, probably his sister and mother, and so on; I’m convinced he’s doing the same thing to his W, not only by cheating on her (which is essentially “punishing” her), but also by talking down to her and showing her “who’s boss”. I’m sure he says mean things to her, just as he does to you. This will include things like comparing her to the fit neighbor lady, or the successful career chick who works with him, the sexy soccer mom on his son’s varsity team, etc. etc., and making snide remarks on her appearance or cooking and whatnot.

I am not going to label this guy as a narcissist, because everybody these days labels everybody a narcissist when they’re simply insecure a**h***s, but what I will say is that I have seen and experienced these types of people (yes, and most of them are men, unfortunately). They are on a power trip, because they think they can, and they are borderline emotionally and mentally abusive. They just get a kick out of it, and they will not stop, until you show them their place or walk away completely. These unimportant little critters enjoy belittling others, because it makes them feel superior and important. And very few of them will do this to other men, especially “powerful” men, like their bosses, because they’re too insecure to speak truth to power, even if it’s justified. 

@JJ_1990  Without you, without his W, he would be nothing. Nobody to bully! Nobody to talk down to. Nobody to belittle. He would have to live with his smallness forever, or until he finds another “victim”. Don’t be his victim.
Be happy you’re not married to him, because it’s indefinitely harder for his wife to be in this position. 
I am happy for you, because you have recognized that you don’t want a proper relationship with him. That’s some great insight. Now act on it! “I guess I love him” is not an excuse. Neither is “I don’t have anybody else”. This is exactly where self-respect comes into play. Get some! 
Frankly, I don’t care if you walk away completely, or if you just tell him off and let him simmer until he learns some manners. What I want for you is that you put yourself first. That you stand up for yourself. Nobody is above you, and nobody is better than you. 

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

Interesting…but he doesn’t think I’m perfect that’s for sure. He often tells me my opinions are wrong as well as my values/beliefs. He also tells me when we fight that I am the only problem in his life.  Thoughts?

Dump his ass if that's the way he treats you.

He is using you because obviously the sex is good.

Nothing more.

Why do you want to be placed that low?

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

Because I love him I guess.

Why do you love a man that says you are a 'problem in his life'?

Would you rather be belittled and treated like crap than be lonely?

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

It’s more than just sex, I know he loves and cares for me and he makes an effort to see me. I get to feel loved which is a pretty big deal for me. 

It's not more than just sex.

He doesn't love and care for anyone.

He is just skilled at getting women to believe his bullshit.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

It’s more than just sex, I know he loves and cares for me and he makes an effort to see me. I get to feel loved which is a pretty big deal for me. 

Really? Then why are you here on LS complaining about him?  If you really felt he loved you and thought you were better than his wife this thread would not exist.

Edited July 13, 2023 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

hr often tells me his wife is perfect. If he has been cheating for almost their entire relationship, how can she be perfect? You don’t cheat on the perfect woman, right?

It’s not about her, the fact that he is a serial cheater is all on him.
 

15 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

He often tells me my opinions are wrong as well as my values/beliefs. He also tells me when we fight that I am the only problem in his life.  

I can see the attraction - not. 
 

7 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

I have lost a lot of prominent people in my life this last couple of years and I don’t know if I can handle losing another. 

So, you’ve picked an “unavailable man” to avoid the hurt - except, you’ve set yourself up for failure. You’ve clearly developed feelings for the man and this is bound to end in pain because this relationship is bound to end someday - either you will be discovered, or more likely he will tire of you and decide to move on… Loss is a part of life and it’s a fact in relationships. If you want to avoid loss, you would be wise not to get involved with a man who can never be yours…

Edited July 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

 without him I have no one I have lost a lot of prominent people in my life this last couple of years and I don’t know if I can handle losing another. 

Being in an affair is very isolating.  Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

In therapy you can unpack and sort out how you feel privately and confidentiality and get some objective professional help.

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people, so this affair developed because you were in a dark lonely place.

This is what therapy could help you with. Not the pack of lies he tells you or crumbs he gives you, but how did you go down this dark road. Once you unlock that you may be able to set yourself free.

[frenchfry]

16 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

Hi everyone, I’m having some trouble getting my head around this.

I have been in a relationship with a married man for over three years now. He has had a string of affairs before me (going back 12-15 years at least) and has been happily married throughout. 
hr often tells me his wife is perfect. If he has been cheating for almost their entire relationship, how can she be perfect? You don’t cheat on the perfect woman, right?

hey JJ, i was in a similar situation as a single man with a MW for about 9mos once. she also had a string of affairs. some were one-offs and others were more long-lasting. i was naive and thought maybe i'd be special, though my brain often pushed back on that idea. i've always been a bit of a fixer just like my mom. it'd drive me nuts when MW characterized her H as being "special" or "perfect." i agree with you - psychologically healthy, moral people don't cheat on the "perfect" partner, but some folks feel more alive living in chaos and are too self-absorbed to recognize or accept that their actions, regardless of whether they are discovered, are hurtful towards others. other folks simply don't care about hurting others. the unwillingness to act empathically towards others or to accept their perspective is a narcissistic characteristic, though it doesn't necessarily mean they will meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

what happens sometimes in these relationships is that a person will cheat and naturally feel guilt/shame for having done something hurtful to their partner. to avoid feeling that guilt/shame, they'll justify it by telling themselves "it would only hurt my partner if they found out about it." so they lie about where they were and what they did, and that somehow allows them to believe that they are doing the "right thing" by hiding the truth. in doing so, they get to have the thrill of an affair without the bad feelings. they can still consider themselves good people because they're "protecting" their partner from the truth. my MW considered herself a good person, and yet she had a pattern of doing horrible, hurtful things to the people who loved her most. the reason why your MM's behaviors and actions are confusing to you is because it's based on delusional logic/thinking, and you seem to be a pretty rational person in an unhealthy situation.

i was in a vulnerable place when my affair started and it took some time before i was able to really identify all of the BS i was tolerating. i'm still learning and having realizations about how poorly i was being treated. what you're experiencing with MM is a manipulative tactic known as triangulation. that's not to say that MM is intentionally trying to make you feel insecure; it's very possible that he learned to triangulate from his parents, other relationships he's been in, or maybe his married friends play similar games. it may come naturally to him, but nonetheless it's emotionally abusive.

also i wanted to comment on his wife's lack of independence. that is likely one of the reasons he considers her "perfect." it's probable that he benefits from her dependence on him because it keeps her trapped in his games. she has no choice but to be locked into his rules and accept his abuse. it's possible that she's got her own issues that keep her dependent or even isolated, but i'd be willing to bet that he prefers her that way so he doesn't have to worry that she'll cheat on him or leave him. he may have even encouraged her to rely solely on him. one of the most effective ways of controlling people is by removing their opportunities to get support elsewhere or recognize their own value. so i'd be careful not to compare yourself to her. she is in an unenviable position and has probably been manipulated and gaslit for so long that she'd blame the affair partners sooner than her jackass husband for his transgressions. in reality, you are both victims in this situation.

[S2B]

He says she is perfect so you expect NOTHING from him! 
 

nothing will ever change unless YOU change the narrative! 

Like:

start expecting change! Start demanding more, be vocal about what you need from him.

Then watch him quietly slither away because you expect YOUR needs to be met.

this is ALL about him having everything at home plus extras.

you will never get from him what you deserve.