She's 'perfect' but he's having an affair [UPDATED His wife is checking my social media]

[S2B]

20 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

Interesting…but he doesn’t think I’m perfect that’s for sure. He often tells me my opinions are wrong as well as my values/beliefs. He also tells me when we fight that I am the only problem in his life.  Thoughts?

Oh wow, what a complete jerk! 
you deserve better!!!

his wife is perfect because she is compliant. That’s all.

any woman demanding decency f OM him will be deemed difficult.

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

He often tells me my opinions are wrong as well as my values/beliefs. He also tells me when we fight that I am the only problem in his life. 

 

13 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

I know he loves and cares for me and he makes an effort to see me. I get to feel loved which is a pretty big deal for me. 

How exactly do you feel “loved” when he dismisses your thoughts and feelings and disrespects you by calling you a “problem.” 

 

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

but lately he keeps with the ‘she’s perfect’ narrative.

You've started questioning his marriage and why he stays there, so he's just paving the way for when he says, "Why would I divorce the perfect woman?"  You may not have yet started openly asked him why he stays, but you've said things which he's heard before from other women just before they start asking, hence he has a script that he follows. You say you feel loved, but this will change in an instant if you start demanding respect and explanations. As I said earlier, I hope you're being compensated, because your guy sees you as company he's paying for. 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

He has also told me I am better than her in many ways (in every way)

How do we know this guy is lying… his mouth is moving. Seriously. 

The contradictions here are very telling but I doubt that you see and accept them for what they are because you have a confirmation bias. 

You would be wise not to trust someone who you know to be untrustworthy. 

[Starswillshine]

A reminder here.... his wife is not your problem, he is. She is not keeping you from some great love. 

It sounds like he knows exactly how to play an OW. Creating a competition and telling you things you want to hear. "She's perfect." <- you start trying to be better in every way to be "better than her".... he tells you "you are better than her in every way." You're content and get off his back. Rinse and repeat. 

So many men have the "perfect" wife that they love and have no desires to divorce, but she is only one person... and some men are never satisfied with one women. 

[S2B]

I feel sorry for his wife. Sounds like he has a pattern = finding OW who expect very little.

[Whaatamidoing]

This is so strange to actually read someone else's account of something similar I went through with my MM. I could never understand why my MM would be in an affair with me when he used to talk about how great, intelligent, fun, generally wonderful his wife was. It made no sense to me that if that was the case why on earth was he risking that 'perfect' life for a fumble with me. I had no idea how abusive he was being at the time. 

He would tell me things for example about how his wife had gone for a promotion, backed up with 'she was selected out of 100 applicants because of her special skills, she's so experienced' blah blah blah, its hers, they'd be mad to give the position to someone else, then go on to tell me the pay increase which is already 4 x what we could afford to pay ourselves from the business. Then when she didnt get the job (because she's just normal and had as much chance as anyone), I am told its because she's too good for the position, they saw further potential in her and have asked her to apply for a much better position that will be available in a few months for more money, more responsibility and more recognition. I never heard anything more about it.

Now, naïve little old me, sat at my desk not asking but being told all this, immediately my self confidence plummeted to minus figures, I cant compete with that, I have no-one backing me, telling me I am amazing, telling me I can do better than him and his abusive stories, so there I stayed, being called upon as requested. It has taken me SOOO much therapy to understand what on earth he was doing to me. It was all so subtle, just a little put down here and there and a sentence that would set my mind into motion comparing myself to his wife. He did this so that I would never think I was good enough for him, I was ok for sex and talking to when the perfect wife was not available but it would mean I would never make demands to be with him because I wasn't good enough to actually be on his arm or be shown to the world. He only marries people like her, educated, high up in society and the only way he could determine anyone's worth was by how much they earned. She earned a lot so he deserved her. I earned little so I deserved nothing.

All the while this isn't about me or the wife, it is a big insecurity in him. If he was with me, we would live a normal income, average house, nice holidays. Living with her he gets to tell everyone about her elevated position, therefore the additional money, therefore good cars, good house, good holidays, the expensive hobbies their children have, and all the while it is a reflection of him, look how well I have done for myself, I am such a catch. If you look too deep into it, it stems from insecurity from an abusive childhood but the lasting damage to me is terrible, and he has no idea and has likely already replaced me with a new one, I just hope anyone else that gets tangled up in the mess is stronger than I was and doesn't stay around for so long. 

[stillafool]

Why do you OW allow the MM to talk to you about his wife?  Why don't you tell him if he wants to talk about his wife to go home to her; but when with you keep his attention on you?

[Stret]

On 7/13/2023 at 7:11 AM, JJ_1990 said:

It’s more than just sex, I know he loves and cares for me and he makes an effort to see me. I get to feel loved which is a pretty big deal for me. 

You should get rid of this delusion. He does not love you. He does not care for you. You are a distraction in his boring life and he gives you a false sense of being loved. But look at the big picture. You are a mistress to him and you can be easily exchanged for another one - people like him usually play around on more than one field and sooner or later this is exactly what will happen. 

[JJ_1990]

On 7/14/2023 at 11:21 AM, Starswillshine said:

A reminder here.... his wife is not your problem, he is. She is not keeping you from some great love. 

It sounds like he knows exactly how to play an OW. Creating a competition and telling you things you want to hear. "She's perfect." <- you start trying to be better in every way to be "better than her".... he tells you "you are better than her in every way." You're content and get off his back. Rinse and repeat. 

So many men have the "perfect" wife that they love and have no desires to divorce, but she is only one person... and some men are never satisfied with one women. 

This is a really interesting point….I will look out for this pattern and see if it happens again. 
I think you are right about him not being satisfied with one person. Your partner can never give you everything but most people accept what they have and don’t go looking for someone else to fill the gaps. 

[JJ_1990]

On 7/13/2023 at 8:17 PM, BaileyB said:

 

How exactly do you feel “loved” when he dismisses your thoughts and feelings and disrespects you by calling you a “problem.” 

 

There are times I definitely do not feel loved, but there are times I do. I guess I need to weigh up are the bad times outweighing the good. Right now I would say they probably are. He has since explained the point about me being a problem - he says when there are issues at home with the family or his wife they don’t bother him that much, he just deals with it. When he and I are having an argument or going through a bad patch it annoys him, it takes up headspace and affects his mood. 
He tends to talk in extremes, to use hyperbole. I am much more literal. I think many of our problems are caused by poor communication and language, and deep insecurities on both sides. 

[JJ_1990]

On 7/13/2023 at 8:30 PM, MsJayne said:

You've started questioning his marriage and why he stays there, so he's just paving the way for when he says, "Why would I divorce the perfect woman?"  You may not have yet started openly asked him why he stays, but you've said things which he's heard before from other women just before they start asking, hence he has a script that he follows. You say you feel loved, but this will change in an instant if you start demanding respect and explanations. As I said earlier, I hope you're being compensated, because your guy sees you as company he's paying for. 

I have never questioned why he is there - it has been clear from the outset that he will never leave his wife and I don’t ever want or expect him to do so. I don’t want to be his permanent partner. 
He is fiercely loyal and generally won’t say anything bad about his wife (or anyone he is close to). In the past he has made some remarks that I thought were highly disrespectful about her and I think he regrets that. He has since said he will always protect the family image and that his wife is not perfect. 
I get compensated a little, but not as much as i probably should be! 

[Starswillshine]

2 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

He is fiercely loyal and generally won’t say anything bad about his wife (or anyone he is close to).

You do understand the contradiction, right? 

Loyal men don't cheat on their wives. 

[mark clemson]

Assuming credence for this story, it may indeed be that he is psychologically manipulating you, quite possibly deliberately but I believe some people do this essentially unconsciously through what you might call "political instincts" and/or force of habit.

People define "love" in different ways. It's unlikely that he has no feelings for you (or for his wife for that matter). However, many men (and some women) are good at "compartmentalizing" and so some folks can cheat on a partner they feel they love (at some level at least) and feel they "love" an AP they won't leave their spouse for, etc, etc. As we all know, it's not particularly uncommon.

So, no doubt he has feelings for both of you, but - compartmentalizing and seemingly doing what he feels most expedient to "meet his needs" as well... At any rate, when you cut through all the psychological analysis, it sounds very much like he wants exactly what he has right now. His wife and family where, ostensibly at least, all is well, and you in addition.

So where does that leave you? You've participated in this for 3 years and acknowledge it's been both bad AND good for you. Any relationship is a mutual choice to continue it. Given that his wife has apparently already been informed, I suspect this affair will continue until you decide you're done, at which point it ends and you move on...

Edited July 17, 2023 by mark clemson

[S2B]

See how much he really loves you…for you.

stop having ANY sex with him and see how he acts. Will it still feel loving?

or is he with you for the sex? 
 

you can find out!

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

he says when there are issues at home with the family or his wife they don’t bother him that much, he just deals with it. When he and I are having an argument, it takes up headspace and affects his mood. 

Indeed, he “deals with it” but distracting himself with his affair partner. He has a fantasy life which he escapes to when needed - your presence in his life enables him to stay and “deal with” the issues at home.

But you, how dare you cause problems for him. In your role, you are supposed to bring the fun. A man does not want to deal with the emotions or expectations of his affair partner. After all, he already has a wife who has problems, and emotions, and expectations - he escapes that by turning to you. The absolute last thing he wants from you is more problems. You start to place expectations or cause problems and you will be dropped - he will either find another woman who is more agreeable (as is his pattern) or just settle back into married life where he only has to deal with the stress of  one relationship. 

Edited July 17, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

He is fiercely loyal and generally won’t say anything bad about his wife (or anyone he is close to).

Indeed, it is so sweet that he would speak kindly of his wife while having sex with another woman. 

I hope you are not actually buying this BS. 

[S2B]

I’m sure he thinks you are also the perfect OW… not expecting anything from him.

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

I have never questioned why he is there - it has been clear from the outset that he will never leave his wife and I don’t ever want or expect him to do so. I don’t want to be his permanent partner. 

OK, so you don't have any real feelings for this man, you're happy being used to fill a void in his life?  I don't think you are, because your post is questioning his narrative, (which we all know is a load of BS he tells himself so he can cope with what is actually a deeply unsatisfying relationship with his wife), and his narrative makes you uncomfortable because it's pressing home the point that on his ladder of important people you're on about the same level as an employee - useful but easily replaced. Also, you've been seeing him for three years - that's a big chunk of your life to give to someone who's offering nothing of any value in return. How do you envision your relationship ending? 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

I get compensated a little, but not as much as i probably should be! 

Hon, only a sex worker is entitled to compensation for her time.   

[mark clemson]

I would keep in mind that any person who enjoys sex could become dissatisfied in a relationship if the partner unilaterally turns off the sex spigot. We get posts here from loyal folks in long term marriages who are extremely unhappy their "needs" aren't being met all the time. Some eventually divorce - that doesn't mean they were only in it for the sex.

Also, some men enjoy "dealing with" emotions, and some don't. Not quite sure which he is from what you post. But plenty of happily married men aren't particularly comfortable in this arena.

Certainly if you make yourself enough of a problem for him, he's likely to dump you eventually. I mean, that would go for anyone in any relationship. Sure, the bar is probably realistically a lot lower since he already has a wife to be with, but really - causing problems for a partner to see how they react isn't some (sensible) "test of love" or anything.

Do you want to "play games" or do you want to continue in this, or do you want to move on? I'd say you pick whichever one of the latter two seems to make the most sense for you and act accordingly.

Edited July 18, 2023 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

causing problems for a partner to see how they react isn't some (sensible) "test of love" or anything.

Either way. Because in some cases, it doesn't matter how much troubles you cause, the OM will still keep you as part of the harem... he is still getting something out it. But still not love nor truly care for the person. Just another person in the collection. 

I know one OW who fell into the trap of thinking that he must really love her because she kept causing him drama and he still called her for some "alone time." 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I know one OW who fell into the trap of thinking that he must really love her because she kept causing him drama and he still called her for some "alone time." 

Ok, and there are probably women in non-affair relationships that do this as well. But I suspect you'd agree this line of thinking/approach to things is... weird.

[spiderowl]

On 7/12/2023 at 10:35 PM, JJ_1990 said:

Hi everyone, I’m having some trouble getting my head around this.

I have been in a relationship with a married man for over three years now. He has had a string of affairs before me (going back 12-15 years at least) and has been happily married throughout. 
hr often tells me his wife is perfect. If he has been cheating for almost their entire relationship, how can she be perfect? You don’t cheat on the perfect woman, right?

Hi JJ, you don't mention why you are staying in an affair with this man, but I guess you are getting something out of it.  It can't lead anywhere though, it's painful but I hope you realise that.

This guy has his perfect wife, she is the one for him, but he also likes to 'play' away - that's what it is, literally playing.  She is the all-loving, doting, mother in the kitchen at home, waiting for her loved one to come home from playing out with his friends; he is the loved one who is taking liberties and playing with friends he knows she wouldn't like.  He doesn't care though because he keeps you secret and he has the best of both worlds.

You, on the other hand, have a casual guy who is not going to be around for all those special things with you - birthdays, Christmas, family events, holidays.  He will be out of touch when you are lonely in the evenings and at weekends.  You are not getting the best of both worlds, only part of a love life.  If you want a full, committed relationship, this is not the guy.  If you stay with him on the basis that you will look for someone else while still enjoying sex and affection occasionally, then you will stay emotionally and physically bonded to him.  It will be difficult to see anyone else as lover material while in that emotional state.  It is up to you, of course.

[S2B]

Any time a MM is telling you how great his wife is - he’s telling you he won’t leave her.

he wants his wife AND his OW. But most of all he has to make sure his OW expects absolutely nothing from him.

so most OW who expect anything from a MM won’t be the perfect OW. 
 

you can do an experiment and start demanding things from him. Demand time. Demand outings. Demand phone calls while he’s at home. Demand vacations… you know, all the things a gal would expect IF she were dating a single guy.