Friendship failing or worth saving

[amkxoxo]

I think context is needed here. I have three female friends: Kate, Jane, and Lacey.

We are all 30 years old.

I met Lacey in college. She introduced me to Kate, her high school best friend. Kate was going to another college where she met Jane.  She introduced Jane into our group. 

I got very close with Kate and Lacey. Not as much with Jane. Jane was more reserved.

We had fun nights talking about boys, going out drinking, being young, gushing about young stuff. Lacey and Kate were there for me through breakups and tough times. We did birthdays and trips together.

I started noticing as we got to be 26, 27, 28 that Lacey and Kate were obsessed with getting engaged. We'd have girls nights and they'd sit talking for hours about their boyfriends, and when they think they will get engaged, and wedding venues, and doing palm reading and weird stuff estimating how many babies they will have. Jane didn't seem into this and neither was I. I just couldn't relate. I was single, focused on my career.

It was fun and cute at first, but after a while I found it redundant and like we were 16. I wasnt phased.

Kate had a serious boyfriend of many years. Lacey met a man in 2018. They started their relationship tumultuous. Cheating allegations,  on and off, he had severe mental health issues, financial issues, and I shared that I was concerned if she dated him.  She didn't want to hear that, so I dropped it.

In mid-2019 Kate gets engaged. We are all so happy for her. Lacey then is set on  getting engaged. By the end of 2019, she facilitates getting engaged too, after one year rocky relationship.

Kate plans her wedding for 2021. Then Lacey claims she's having a 2021 wedding too.

I get asked to be bridesmaids in both. I was honored.

During this time Jane meets a man and quickly gets married. They eloped. Were content with their decision. They started building a life together and bought a home.

2020 comes and we are prepping for the 2021 weddings. Looking at dresses and making shower plans for Kate.

I notice Lacey being less available and communicative. She tells me months after that she and her fiance eloped and got married. I was shocked and a bit upset. As a best friend, you couldn't have texted me that you got married. I hear it months later.

I let it go. Lacey says how she still wants to have a big wedding. She tried to act like they had to elope because of covid, but they never had a wedding planned.

2021 comes and Lacey keeps pushing back her wedding. Now she says it's in 2022. I barely hangout with Lacey or know anything about her life. She acts a bit secretive, anxiety ridden, frantic when I do see her.

Kate's wedding day comes. I was excited. Lacey husband, who was supposed to be her date, doesn't show up. She cries on my shoulder telling me how he doesn't go to anything with her and has terrible mental health issues. I console her and try to tell her that she doesn't have to be with a man like that. All he does is stay home, smoke Marijuana, and he struggles to keep a job.

But she bounces right back. Saying she loves him and must accept him. I spend the whole reception hanging out with her so she isn't alone. She sells me on thus fun girls night back at the hotel. I get excited. Then I go back to the hotel and she's talking on the phone to her husband all loving saying she misses him. I was so turned off. I left and went home. She didn't even notice.

Again, I barely speak to her in between events. I feel she's fading away.

Kate then tells me that Lacey called her one day and was crying saying that her husband is somewhat verbally abusive and doesn't help her at their house. Kate tells Lacey that she and I are worried about her.

But Lacey never tells me any of this.  After this Lacey changes completely.  Every time we see her she acts like her relationship is amazing and things are dandy.

She says things about him that aren't great, like his poor financial issues or bad decisions, but she talks about it like it's rainbows and normal.

She never invites us over. Maybe once on three years. Since 2020, Jane has still never been to her house.  I invite all the girls over multiple times a year. So does Jane.  Her husband doesn't come to anything we invite them to. I start getting to know Jane's husband and Kate's. I see them often and they show up.

Lacey sometimes doesn't even come if her husband won't come with her.

I started growing closer with Jane. We live near each other. She and her husband like to do fun activities. Bowling, grabbing drinks at a bar.  We talk. Jane asks about me. We share deeply. We connect.

When we hang out with Kate and Lacey, it's mostly boring. How are you, good. We can't wait to have babies. My marriage is fabulous. We are excited for our wedding.

It's all so redundant and surface level. Jane and I have lives, careers. Kate and Lacey I think just feel content being married.

I go out to lunch with Lacey. She complains how they can barely make ends meet. Her husband is unemployed. I feel bad for her.

I could use some extra money so I propose we get this specific part time job together. She's all in on it and gushes how we can do it together. She sells it. I'm excited. I go home and start looking up places in between our homes that we can apply to.

Lacey messages me that she went home and applied to a bunch.

She never told me.

Then she picked one near her house. Not convenient for me.

She said that if I want to do it with her, then I need to do it there and sign up for her hours. I got really upset. I'm not going to chase her. So I didn't do it at all.

Here I was feeling bad for her not having money. The day after her first extra paycheck, she spent hundreds on Marijuana for her husband and now her, who does it with him.

Lacey then pushes her wedding to 2023. 

Jane and I continue growing as friends. Kate gets pregnant,  but I don't feel our friendship as strong either. I talk to Kate. I dote on Kate. She loves attention. I ask her to do things.  If I stopped all that, I think she'd fade.

It's 2022, I barely see Lacey, all but a few times that year. Kate has her baby.

Lacey plans this elaborate destination wedding for 2023, of which Kate, Jane, and I cannot attend. It's too far and way too expensive.

It's the end of 2022, Jane plans a girls breakfast. We show up, and Jane and I bring Christmas gifts. It was so awkward. Lacey and Kate brought us nothing.

Jane and I privately agree that we'll do gifts between each other.

Lacey tells us that she and her husband want to buy a second home and move away. Not for work just fot fun. Their goal is to be like real estate tycoons. He doesn't work.  It's weird. I'm saddened to hear this. She says how she'll visit, and "it's not like we see each other a lot anyway."

Jane and I are hurt to hear this. Like we don't matter.

Then she mentions another day how she'll meet new friends. Again, hurtful.

2023 starts. Jane starts telling me how she doesn't feel close to the other girls. I agree. We barely speak or see them. And Jane and I are the only ones planning events or asking them to do stuff. They come most times, but it just isn't a deep friendship. Lacey isn't really invested and Kate, is nice, but I always feel like I'm chasing her, and she loves attention. She loves me doting on her baby and I do.

We haven't seen Lacey's husband since 2019.

Lacey then starts talking all about her bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding. We don't hangout much, but we're suddenly her best friends.

I'm suddenly thrust into bridesmaid duties, even though, I'm not going to her wedding. And she's been married for three years. I just felt strange about this. Jane isn't a bridesmaid, but also found this weird.

Jane eloped too. She isn't suddenly having a wedding years later. But I tried to support Lacey.

Jane and I bought her a cute shower gift.

Lacey's sister then pins us down for help with the shower and going to the bachelorette.

I act busy and I am. So not able to help with the shower. I mean, she has her mother, sister, and aunts. I just wanted to be a guest.

Months ago Jane and I commit to going to the bachelorette weekend. We pay $150 each.

Jane and I barely talk to Lacey. And the conversation is so boring. Kate doesn't really bother with Jane much.

Then Lacey announces that right after the bachelorette she and her husband are moving away 10 hours by car.

Jane and I go to the shower. I got the vibe that they were mad I didn't help. I tried being social and smiley, but Jane and I felt extremely awkward. Jane begged me to take her home. She practically cried in the car and said she couldn't go on the trip, feeling left out and awkward. Jane doesn't even care about the money loss. She doesn't want to incest any more money and time into this. We will probably spend a good $200 more while on the trip.

Jane backs out of the trip. Lacey throws a fit and acts like she and Jane were good friends and this all shocks her. Then she ad Kate start acting like Jane is crazy and insecure.
I defend Jane. But try to placate both sides too. We have 10 years of friendship. But I think Lacey is loving off memories, not now. Kate too. Lacey even said it. How we have nostalgia. 

That's not friendship.

I don't feel truly supported, valued, or close to Lacey, and only a bit from Kate. Jane feels the same.

Like we are just bodies and "friends" when it's convenient like weddings and stuff.

I'm still in on this trip. I feel bad bailing too. I might go and have fun. I might be miserable.

I've been so stressed and upset. Ever since, it's been very awkward with Lacey as Kate. I'm trying to be positive and make plans with them fir the trip. They answer me when it's about me driving them, but then ignore everything else.

I don't know what to do or if I'm wrong feeling this way.

 

I don't want to just ditch Lacey and Kate. What if June doesn't stay for long as my friend? Then I'd have no friends. I feel like I can't trust or rely on anyone anymore. 

 

Edited July 13, 2023 by amkxoxo

[basil67]

Waaaay too much drama between all of you

Seems pretty clear to me that you dislike Lacey and don't like Kate all that much either, so there's really no point in hanging on to them.  And it would be very disingenuous of you to hold on to them just because you may be lonely and need them one day.

Jane may or may not stay as a friend, but you'll make others if that happens.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Seems pretty clear to me that you dislike Lacey and don't like Kate all that much either, so there's really no point in hanging on to them

I agree. 

There's a lot of pettiness all around, and you need to let go of them. You don't relate to them anymore, and they don't relate to you. You're starting to resent them so the friendship needs to end. 

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I'm trying to be positive and make plans with them fir the trip. They answer me when it's about me driving them, but then ignore everything else.

If this is true then don't go.

They are not really your friends anymore, that ship has sailed.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty.

You have been there for all of them for the last few years and they are now disrespecting you.

When the day comes for the trip, tell them you have Covid so you can't make it.

They can't really say anything to that.

[Alpacalia]

I think you're too emotionally invested in this group dynamic.

There is so much emotional involvement in your friends' lives that it is taking a toll on you. You feel obligated to solve Lacey's problems even though she isn't really letting you into her life.

You're being taken advantage of and feeling like your time and resources don't count. Jane is feeling excluded and having the same issues you are. Neither of you feel supported, valued, or close to Lacey. There is a feeling of only being wanted for weddings and events but not for any deeper friendship. Lacey and Kate often act like your concerns are crazy or insecure. The message is that you are unvalued as a friend. Your resentment grows and accepting their actions becomes harder. It just reinforces the toxic cycle.

I would to take a step back and focus on your own relationships outside of this group. You will start to see what is worthwhile and which relationships serve you. Ask yourself, is Lacey really a friend when she talks about you and Jane behind your back and never seems to be around when you need her? Think about who is always there for you, who is honest, and who truly cares about your wellbeing. Those are the people who are worth spending time with, and the ones to prioritize. Invest in those relationships and let go of those that don't serve you.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I don't want to just ditch Lacey and Kate. What if June doesn't stay for long as my friend? Then I'd have no friends. I feel like I can't trust or rely on anyone anymore. 

This is the wrong reason to hold onto people you find boring and don't like.  It isn't fair to them.  If you lose them it's better to just find and make new friends.

[JTSW]

True friends never leave.

Kate and lacey are not true friends.

[ShyViolet]

Being afraid of having no friends is not a reason to keep friendships alive with people who you don't particularly like.  You have clearly grown apart.  It's time to let these friendships end and make some new friends.