Should I cancel the 'meeting/date' if there is no place set?

[suckered]

So I am not dating this guy. We have been friends (met through work but no longer for together) and don't live in the same city. We have a bit of a flirty/ambiguous friendship and I am interested in him but am aware that things are unlikely to progress for now. Anyway, we meet and catch up every time we are in the same city.

He let me know few weeks back that he will be in my city. We planned to meet for a drink and then few of his friends would join us to go bar hopping. I have done this with him before and it was lots of fun so I was looking forward to it. I told him to firm up the plans when it's closer to the date of him coming.

So he messages me this week and gives me day/time when he finishes work stuff and is available. We very quickly agree on what time to meet and he basically tells me see you then. So I then give him few options for what place to meet at. No reply. I wait 24 hours and it's now a day before, so I send another text with only 1 option to meet at and ask him if that's good for him. He replies immediately that it should work but also mentions that he is meeting his friends at some other place after (and I am joining). I text him back that we should then better meet somewhere closer to it and suggest another place. Again, no reply.

So now I don't know if we have plans or not. It's supposed to happen tomorrow and I have already made alternative plans with a guy I have recently started seeing.

My question is, given that he has no replied to my text about alternative meeting place, do I need to contact him at all to cancel? It seems like for whatever reason he doesn't want to commit to the meeting place. I worry he will turn up at the last agreed place if I don't cancel and be pissed off. But I also don't want to send yet another text, just makes me feel annoying/pushy and technically we don't have a meeting place set.

I sort of get that all this likely means that he has such low interest in seeing me that he can't be bothered with even participating in making plans

Edited July 13, 2023 by suckered

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, suckered said:

 I have already made alternative plans with a guy I have recently started seeing. 

Since you've already made alternative arrangements, tell him you'll meet up the next day or some other time.  Especially since he'll be with friends anyway so don't feel bad about bowing out of it.

[Alpacalia]

Is there a reason this is in the dating section? He probably just wants to catch up with friends. I would keep the date with the actual date you have scheduled.

If he does reach out to you with any questions or specific requests, you can respond to him, but it may be best to not initiate any further communication.

At this stage you are not doing anything wrong, and the worst that could happen is that the plans are cancelled. This is not a bad thing if he has lost interest, and it might also be due to his current workload or other commitments. He might even be grateful that you checked in with him prior to confirm plans. 

If he gives you more notice, I'd say you both just pick another day. 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, suckered said:

My question is, given that he has no replied to my text about alternative meeting place, do I need to contact him at all to cancel? It seems like for whatever reason he doesn't want to commit to the meeting place. I worry he will turn up at the last agreed place if I don't cancel and be pissed off.

The fact that you're saying this at all means that you know the communication was not clear and there's a chance he might go to the place waiting for you.  So the right thing to do is to send him another text to cancel, making sure you are on the same page.  It would be extremely inconsiderate to not text him and have him possibly go there and be stood up.  This is more important than your fear of texting him too much.

[suckered]

Thank you all and I did text again to cancel. I think it was the right thing to do.

This lead to a few texts, him apologizing and admitting that he is at fault. Then he invited me to the set time and place where he is meeting his friends. His explanation was that he was trying to co-ordinate everyone, his friends are constantly changing plans etc. I responded that I can't tonight as I made other plans now and am keeping them. I did offer him another day as I know he is in my city for a couple of more days. He never responded.

So yeah, this is likely it. I am never contacting this guy again.

[Alpacalia]

You made the right decision to cancel his plans.

He didn't seem very interested in meeting if he doesn't reply to your suggestions or offer any.

Two messages on your end were more than enough. Why bother with someone who can't give you the courtesy and respect to make solid plans with plenty of time? If he showed up to the last agreed upon place and was surprised or angry, that's on him for not responding to your messages and confirming the plans.

Unless he's a superhero, in which case, he can just fly over and you can all have a good laugh about it!

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You made the right decision to cancel his plans.

He didn't seem very interested in meeting if he doesn't reply to your suggestions or offer any.

I agree. 

He viewed this as a very casual plan, so it's best that you bow out now if you were hoping for something more, OP. It's not worth the hassle. 

[suckered]

He ended up responding that he is extremely busy over the next 2 days before he returns home and is not available to catch up, but will be back soon so hopes to see me then. He didn't even elaborate what he is busy with.

I am done with this. There will be no more catch-ups in the future. I don't want to feel dismissed and ignored like I did last few days. We clearly have very different levels of investment, however this wasn't as obvious as it is now.

[JTSW]

57 minutes ago, suckered said:

He ended up responding that he is extremely busy over the next 2 days before he returns home and is not available to catch up, but will be back soon so hopes to see me then. He didn't even elaborate what he is busy with.

He doesn't have to tell you ALL his plans.

You are not his GF.

[suckered]

6 hours ago, JTSW said:

He doesn't have to tell you ALL his plans.

You are not his GF.

True, but I told him my plans. We are just not on the same page and this whole situation has made me feel crappy. This has been an ongoing theme of this "friendship". If this was an isolated incident, I would have let it go.

[Alvi]

8 hours ago, suckered said:

He ended up responding that he is extremely busy over the next 2 days before he returns home and is not available to catch up, but will be back soon so hopes to see me then. He didn't even elaborate what he is busy with.

I am done with this. There will be no more catch-ups in the future. I don't want to feel dismissed and ignored like I did last few days. We clearly have very different levels of investment, however this wasn't as obvious as it is now.

I am sorry OP. He is not interested in you that way. I don't believe that he is keep to maintain a friendship with you either. Don't waste any more time on on. I know, the two of you were not dating but even friends treat each other better. You don't need to block him or anything. Also, there is no need to express your displeasure and to call him out on his crap. Simply but him very low on your priority list and go on with your life. 

 

On 7/13/2023 at 9:48 AM, suckered said:

We have a bit of a flirty/ambiguous friendship and I am interested in him but am aware that things are unlikely to progress for now. Anyway, we meet and catch up every time we are in the same city.

Well, he is not interested enough to take things any further than flirting. In other words, he is all talk but no actions. I would suggest that you go full stop  with this guy. Stop meeting him and definitely stop flirting with him. Otherwise, you are going to spend years and years on someone who is not on the same page as you are.

 

58 minutes ago, suckered said:

If this was an isolated incident, I would have let it go.

So this is not the first time he chose something or everything else over meeting you. That means that even the friendship between the two of you is not very important to him. I would ether go completely cold on him or slow fade. 

But I have to ask. What exactly meeting someone, who lives far away and flirting is giving you? Nevermind him, what are you getting out of this?

Edited July 14, 2023 by Alvi

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, suckered said:

He ended up responding that he is extremely busy over the next 2 days before he returns home and is not available to catch up.

You made the right call canceling and going on the date. That's a lot better than just tagging along when he's too busy with friends. How was the date? 

[suckered]

16 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I am sorry OP. He is not interested in you that way. I don't believe that he is keep to maintain a friendship with you either. Don't waste any more time on on. I know, the two of you were not dating but even friends treat each other better. You don't need to block him or anything. Also, there is no need to express your displeasure and to call him out on his crap. Simply but him very low on your priority list and go on with your life. 

 

Well, he is not interested enough to take things any further than flirting. In other words, he is all talk but no actions. I would suggest that you go full stop  with this guy. Stop meeting him and definitely stop flirting with him. Otherwise, you are going to spend years and years on someone who is not on the same page as you are.

 

So this is not the first time he chose something or everything else over meeting you. That means that even the friendship between the two of you is not very important to him. I would ether go completely cold on him or slow fade. 

But I have to ask. What exactly meeting someone, who lives far away and flirting is giving you? Nevermind him, what are you getting out of this?

It wasn't always like this. We used to chat online for many hours per day for months. We shared a lot of personal stuff. He was engaging, funny, witty and I was going through a difficult time with a death of someone close to me. He was a highlight of my day during that time. Then something changed. He became less and less available to chat but was still enthusiastic about meeting up. It was even more fun in person. I kept hoping that maybe he is going through something and will get back to how he was when we were close and used to chat all the time. He also helped me get a better job.

This was really the first time where he clearly showed me that he is not interested and I am not a priority in any sense. Until now, he was pretty accommodating even when chatting less. I get the message loud and clear. I don't plan to block him or confront him, I will just no longer initiate contact and not respond if he initiates.

BTW what I meant by "common theme" of doing things that don't make feel good, I meant when he started pulling away and chatting less.

[suckered]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You made the right call canceling and going on the date. That's a lot better than just tagging along when he's too busy with friends. How was the date? 

It was really good, I had heaps of fun, had a nice dinner then cocktails. Then went to see a live band. Got home at 2am

[ExpatInItaly]

I wonder if he is seeing someone and doesn't know how to tell you, so he dodges you instead. 

Either way, it's best to let him go. It's evident now that you were a lot more interested than him.  

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I find him rude and crude.  He had a chance to give you the meeting place.  It seems he is avoiding doing so.  I am sure his other friends know all other😐 places and times and so forth.  I would go ahead and keep your plans with whom you are seeing.  This one is not reliable.  If he gives you a last minute Place,. I would tell him "Sorry, You are too late."

[suckered]

In a weird way, I now feel relieved that I am done with this. I spent last couple of months wondering why is chatting less, is it something I did etc. This incident clearly made me see that he just doesn't care. Whatever "connection" we had once was gone, and I am now the only one putting in the effort. This is not even good enough for a friendship.