Should I give him another chance?

[MiriamL]

My boyfriend and I recently went on our first holiday together. Everything has been a whirlwind romance up until this point with the only issue being him wanting to move way faster than me. But this holiday we just had made me question everything. 

When we arrived at the hotel, I started unpacking the car and he went over to the reception to ask about hikes in the area. A little while after, I joined him. I could tell the receptionist really struggled with her English and she turned to me and asked if I spoke her language and if I could translate what she said. I agreed to this and she started pointing out some different routes on a map. I was about to tell my boyfriend what she had suggested, but he just left the reception desk without a word.

In the room I asked him why he was so upset. He said that he didn't appreciate how I had just interfered and offered to translate as he felt ignored and disrespected. I tried to explain that I had just felt sorry for the receptionist and just wanted to help with the language, but he then accused me of always thinking of other people's needs before him. He wouldn't accept my appology and was so cold towards me that I began to cry. This upset him as he said that I always make myself out to be the victim even when I have done the wrong thing by him. We eventually made up, but it threw me a bit off. 

Later we watched the sunset and I tried to make some smalltalk just to lighten the mood. Without a word he suddenly reached over and placed his hand over my mouth. I didn't know how to react and went silent. It's not the first time he has done this when he thinks I talk too much, and I believe it's his way of saying he just wants to enjoy the moment in silence. It still makes me uncomfortable though.

He insisted that we'd go down to the breakfast buffet together every morning and was offended when I wanted to join him a bit later one morning as I was very tired.

One morning I chose to sleep a few mintues extra instead of doing my hair etc before breakfast, which he was really unhappy about. Then he was offended that I came down 5 minutes later than him, saying I was unreliable and disrespectful of his time. He seemed disgusted that I looked tired and that I hadn't made my usual effort to look nice for him. 

He would take some breadrolls and bits of fruit and cold cuts wrapped in napkins from the breakfast buffet and put it in his backpack to eat later. One morning he was approached by the staff telling him that this was not ok. He then started arguing his rights as a customer. I was so embarrassed and offered to pay, which he refused. Afterwards, he was disappointed in me for not backing him up, again accusing me of always siding with other people. 

Another time he wanted to sleep with me after a sweaty hike. I wanted to shower first, but knew that if I didn't agree to this he would call me a naysayer and say that everything was always on my terms. I struggled to get into it and he eventually pulled out saying that it didn't work as I was dry as the Sahara desert.

Time and again he would tell me I was unbearable and complicated or call me an autist. At the end of the holiday I felt the best thing was to part ways. 

For some reason, I gave him another chance after he went out of his way to make it up to me. But I can't let go of feeling uneasy that he could behave this way. He says he wants to change and learn from his mistakes. Should I leave him for good or give him another chance?

[stillafool]

How did he go out of his way to make this up to you?  Well you first said the girl at he front desk asked you to translate to him what she was saying not that you volunteered.  Try to find other ways to self soothe rather than crying over peoples words and actions because it makes you seem weak and they treat you worse as you can see.  At any rate your bf sounds hard to please and an ahole.  I don't know how you stand him.  I think you should have let him go instead of getting back with him.  My answer is Yes - leave him for good.

[MsJayne]

This guy's high maintenance and that holiday sounds exhausting. The breakfast buffet saga is a shining example of his arrogance. There's usually signs around telling guests not to take food from the dining area, and to have the staff come along and tell him to stop stealing and him arguing must have been an Earth-please-open-up-and-swallow-me moment for you.  Yes, I'd ditch him so he can go find someone else to be his partner in crime embarrassment. 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, MiriamL said:

 time and again he would tell me I was unbearable and complicated or call me an autist. 

How long have you been dating? How old is he?  Please read up on abusive relationships.

He is obnoxious and treats you horribly. Never stay with men who try to gag you or force sex on you.

Please talk to trusted friends and family about this.

End it then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Edited July 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

Holy cow!! Where to start!! He has no respect for you!! The man in your life is suppose to be patient, flexible, helpful, understanding, loving. He is NONE of this! He sounds like a pain in the neck!! 

He swept you off of your feet then srarted the abuse....typical. No, do not give him a 2nd chance. 

Don't date men letting you unload the car! Really!! C'mon! You unload the suitcases while he plays tourist at reception! ...l knew right from there he was self centered. 

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, MiriamL said:

Should I leave him for good or give him another chance?

Please do not give him another chance.

He will not change and you will always feel like you are walking on eggshells around him.

His treatment of you throughout your holiday was absolutely disgusting. 

He is such a disrespectful a**h***.

Please leave him.

[Versacehottie]

um, NO. 

I would dump this clown.

[Alvi]

Wow, what did I just read? He is being an abusive A-hole. Please run like your hair is on fire far far away from this guy. Unless he agrees to take some anger management courses or seek a therapist don't even think about giving him a second chance. But not even with that, actually, please stay away from him.

[ShyViolet]

This guy sounds like a horribly rude and mean person!  I can't believe you are even considering giving him another chance.  Absolutely not!!  You need to dump this guy, like today.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, MiriamL said:

Should I leave him for good or give him another chance?

Oh honey, where is your self-esteem?

You need to eject him permanently from your life. He is awful.

[MiriamL]

Thanks for your thoughts on this holiday fail. We've only been together for 6 months, I'm early 20's, he's early 30's. It seems like a rather unison yes to skip it and move on, which I know deep down is the only reasonable thing to do.

I don't know why I'm even hesistating, but I think the main thing is he's made me believe that I'm the problem most of the time and so I started second guessing everything. Any time he's sensed that I started distancing myself he has moved heaven and earth to pull me back in. I'm already dreading the talk, but I know it has to happen the sooner the better. Meanwhile he's flooding me with messages that we should take the next step and move in together, etc. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, MiriamL said:

. Meanwhile he's flooding me with messages that we should take the next step and move in together, etc. 

Please read up on abusive relationships. Quick involvement is another sign.

Unfortunately women who give men like this "another chance" are the ones who end up in the hospital with broken bones and black and blue. Please talk to trusted friends and family.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/

Edited July 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Stret]

33 minutes ago, MiriamL said:

I think the main thing is he's made me believe that I'm the problem most of the time and so I started second guessing everything

This is called gaslighting. It is a form of mental abuse. 
Even if you break up again with him, I'm afraid he will find a way to hoover you back in (as you trust this control freak more than your own instincts), and then he'll abuse you again when you settle into the relationship. This is because you allow him to. Understand that you are in control and stop seeing yourself as a victim - you are as much a victim as you allow yourself to be.
He will wear you down, make you unhappy, unconfident and depressed and then dump you like a squeezed lemon, while you feel useless and worthless. 
There is only one way you can maintain some self-respect and avoid all this - dump him, block him, become deaf to all his attempts to manipulate you back into the relationship, and for the love of God, don't ever let him see your tears again. He doesn't care about you or your tears. 
He is controlling, and it will be "my way or the highway" with him. Your needs don't exit and never will. He might throw you some breadcrumbs now and then to manipulate you but you are already now losing yourself for him. 

Get rid of him now, today, ask him to stop contacting you, and if he does, get help. Don't believe a word he says after you dump him. It is all going to be a hurt ego and manipulation, not love. 

 

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, MiriamL said:

I'm already dreading the talk, but I know it has to happen the sooner the better.

Understandable that you’re dreading it, so maybe find a safe way to do it; public place or not an in-person meeting. Can you do that?

He was incredibly embarrassing and whiny during your vacation, rude to the hotel people and rude to you as well. He must have shown signs of this (or similar behavior) before your vacation, no? 
 

2 hours ago, MiriamL said:

he's made me believe that I'm the problem most of the time

You are not the problem. You sound kind and sweet. Don’t let him take advantage of your kindness any longer. And holding your mouth closed with his hand? That’s just terrible.
 

Whatever avenue you choose to end this relationship, make sure you’re safe. He doesn’t appear to be the person who takes no for an answer; he sounds like somebody who always has to have the last word as well (that’s self-righteousness in its worst form; when they know they are wrong and still fight your reasonable arguments, or question your actions). Don’t let him manipulate you back into the relationship, and don’t even consider moving in. He won’t change. 

Edited July 15, 2023 by BrinnM

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, MiriamL said:

he's made me believe that I'm the problem most of the time and so I started second guessing everything. Any time he's sensed that I started distancing myself he has moved heaven and earth to pull me back in

This is how abuse starts, Miriam. 

It's good that you're starting to recognize the serious red flags here, but you also need to act now. Please end it. He's not a good man. Don't make the mistake of sticking around to find out how much worse it will get. 

[shellzbellz83]

Please tell someone you trust about this man's behavior. I think you need someone in your real life who can provide you with the strength and encouragement you need to cut him loose once and for all. NOTHING about this situation is good. 

[MiriamL]

Yes, so there has been signs of him acting arrogant prior to the holiday as well and blurting out inappropriate things. Like commenting how other people look. It made me uncomfortable, but I chose to ignore it as everything else was so good. He actually said straight out one time that he's always right. At that time I thought he was joking. 

Update: I met up with him to have "the talk" today. At first he just listened calmly with a stone face. Then he seemed to accept it and asked me to never contact him again. When I agreed and was making myself ready to leave, he started persuading me to stay. He brought up sweet things that I'd said to him in the past and how could I have said those things, maybe I'd never really been genuine with him and just strung him along etc. When I still didn't give in, he said I was most likely too self centered to be in a relationship anyways. He called me immature and brutal and I was the worst person he had ever met.

As we parted ways he told me he would block me, but just now I got an email (in the spam filter) that life without me was already much better. I should be happy and relieved that it's over with, but right now I just feel shaken and sad that I fell for someone who wasn't who I thought they were. Hopefully he's so upset with me that he leaves me alone. 

Anyways, I so appreciate all of your encouragement and advice, it has been really helpful.

[ShyViolet]

20 minutes ago, MiriamL said:

Update: I met up with him to have "the talk" today. At first he just listened calmly with a stone face. Then he seemed to accept it and asked me to never contact him again. When I agreed and was making myself ready to leave, he started persuading me to stay. He brought up sweet things that I'd said to him in the past and how could I have said those things, maybe I'd never really been genuine with him and just strung him along etc. When I still didn't give in, he said I was most likely too self centered to be in a relationship anyways. He called me immature and brutal and I was the worst person he had ever met.

He has shown you who he truly is: a mean, verbally abusive person.  Thank goodness you got this jerk out of your life.  Keep him blocked everywhere and don't look back.  Please be on the lookout for red flags like this earlier in relationships when you date again.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, MiriamL said:

. Hopefully he's so upset with me that he leaves me alone. 

You made the right decision ending it. You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

[Alvi]

46 minutes ago, MiriamL said:

Update: I met up with him to have "the talk" today. At first he just listened calmly with a stone face. Then he seemed to accept it and asked me to never contact him again. When I agreed and was making myself ready to leave, he started persuading me to stay. He brought up sweet things that I'd said to him in the past and how could I have said those things, maybe I'd never really been genuine with him and just strung him along etc. When I still didn't give in, he said I was most likely too self centered to be in a relationship anyways. He called me immature and brutal and I was the worst person he had ever met.

As we parted ways he told me he would block me, but just now I got an email (in the spam filter) that life without me was already much better. I should be happy and relieved that it's over with, but right now I just feel shaken and sad that I fell for someone who wasn't who I thought they were. Hopefully he's so upset with me that he leaves me alone. 

Good for you to end things with this guy. He sounds very unbalanced. And of course, he blamed you, not himself. That was expected, sadly to say. I know, you feel sad now, it will pass. Please, do block him on everything and don't ever take him back when he contacts you again (and let's be honest, he will one day). 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, MiriamL said:

Yes, so there has been signs of him acting arrogant prior to the holiday as well and blurting out inappropriate things. Like commenting how other people look. It made me uncomfortable, but I chose to ignore it as everything else was so good. He actually said straight out one time that he's always right. At that time I thought he was joking. 

Update: I met up with him to have "the talk" today. At first he just listened calmly with a stone face. Then he seemed to accept it and asked me to never contact him again. When I agreed and was making myself ready to leave, he started persuading me to stay. He brought up sweet things that I'd said to him in the past and how could I have said those things, maybe I'd never really been genuine with him and just strung him along etc. When I still didn't give in, he said I was most likely too self centered to be in a relationship anyways. He called me immature and brutal and I was the worst person he had ever met.

As we parted ways he told me he would block me, but just now I got an email (in the spam filter) that life without me was already much better. I should be happy and relieved that it's over with, but right now I just feel shaken and sad that I fell for someone who wasn't who I thought they were. Hopefully he's so upset with me that he leaves me alone. 

Anyways, I so appreciate all of your encouragement and advice, it has been really helpful.

All the things he's doing once you broke up with him (berating you, then begging or pleading with you by recalling your past words, then threatening you by saying he will block you, then reaching out anyway)....all of this is a version of a TANTRUM.. Please see that he is doing anything and everything to get your attention and change your mind or at least flip it to where he can leave YOU instead to protect his ego. I don't throw around the word abuse lightly but yeah he's not a guy you want to be a relationship with bc it's all about him and it's not healthy the way he treats you. I suspect he's not capable of doing so--so don't believe it is something you did/didn't do or are/are not....Move on and don't look back. I'm not really that into blocking but yeah he seems like someone who best be blocked. I'm fairly sure he will try to get in contact--to do more of the same: berate you, perhaps try to flaunt someone new or try to make you jealous, beg you back, try to make you feel guilty or feel sorry for him...All bad things. He didn't even treat you breaking up with him as someone who does love you and wants a legitimate chance with you: his first reaction was to berate you--please realize this is his default method --to anything!!! Place the blame on someone else in a very negative and accusatory way, rather than to take responsibility and ask himself what he can do/do better/compromise/accept. IMO, people like this don't often change and it's really hard to get them to change; way too hurtful and not worth your time TBH. BTW if he acts and appears confident, it's all an act. In reality, he's mentally fragile.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

THAT would have been my last holiday with this guy.  How noble to give him another 😑chance.   However, I am sorry to Say, He will keep on doing what you only saw part of on that holiday.  He gets worse.  And  I am sure, His behavior from the Holiday, Has lingering thoughts.  You decide.....

[Lisa]

Thread locked.  OP has multiple accounts