Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 My girlfriend (39) of almost four years told me (38) last night that she intends to get (her first) tattoo. I'd been away for 23 days working, and last night, having dinner, she said to me, "I've decided to do something, it's something very personal to me, I'm going to get a tattoo." My girlfriend knows very well my opinion on tattoos. She knows that I do not like them, and that I especially do not find them attractive on women. I asked her what she intended to get, how big she intended to get them, and where abouts on her body she intended to get them, and why exactly she decided, all of a sudden. The tattoos (plural) are three, approximately one inch tattoos, of her (now deceased) three cats. She said each cat represented a different period of time in her life, and she wants them as reminder of the good times. The tattoos will be on her forearm, just above her wrist. Since she already has two (living) cats, I asked her if she intends to add to these over time. She said she hadn't thought about it. I told her that I'll take her answer as the potential for more down the track. Now, it's pertinent to make clear that from the outset of us dating, I'd told her that I don't like tattoos on women (men, well, I have buddies with tattoos, but I'm not exactly attracted to me so it doesn't matter), and I liked the fact she didn't have any. In the past she considered tattoos expensive, and worried that if she ever got one and didn't like it, it would be a huge hassle to remove. Recently, we visted a newly-divorced childhood friend of my girlfriend's, in San Fransisco, who was getting her first tattoo. When we stayed there, her friend was showing us a few designs, and my girlfriend was saying, "OMG, that's so beautiful" and trying tk include me in the conversation which I found very uncomfortable. I told my girlfriend last night, that I knew it would happen, since we visited your friend, you'd end up wanting one, too. I told my girlfriend that it's her body and of course her choice, but that if she chooses to get one, I don't want to be put in a position where I have to pretend that I love and embrace it because I wouldn't. My girlfriend asked me, "will you love me less because of my tattoo?" Of course, I said no. She asked me if I'll be less attracted to her because of the tattoo. I told her that I won't be more attracted to her. She asked me if I'd respect her less if she got one. I said no. The thing is, I can't actually say for certain how I would feel. I was still digesting this news, and to be honest, I was in mild distress thinking about it. I told her that there's literally trillions of square inches of blank canvas in the world that art can be imprinted onto, but injecting ink inside your body, it's just not somewhere I like to see art. However, I digress... If my girlfriend gets theae tattoos, I fear she's going to get more. And, where does it end? I fear if I tell her how I truly feel, and it impacts on her decision to get her tattoos, then she'll resent me and it will cause bigger problems. I fear that being honest about my feelings is incompatible with being the man I've never wanted to be - controlling, manipulative, etc. Really, I just hate the fact that I'm put into this position. I can't help how I feel about tattoos. I can't just flick a switch in my brain and automatically like them. I will try to get over it, but for mine, I think it's tragic that such a beautiful woman, naturally beautiful skin, is going to (in my mind) desecrate this. I am a socially progressive person, I'm not religious, so my thoughts aren't dictated by anything like that. It's purely a "me" issue, but one that I'm really struggling to come to terms with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: In the past she considered tattoos expensive, and worried that if she ever got one and didn't like it, it would be a huge hassle to remove. Sorry this is happening. It's great you're honest with her. And yes the issue of permanence is definitely there. I suppose you can't dissuade her if she set on it, but it's good you were straight up rather than pretending you're thrilled about it. Does it feel like a bait and switch in addition to doing it on a whim? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 Unfortunately, there's not much you can do. At the end of the day, this is your girlfriend's decision to make. The thing about tattoos is that they are very personal. There are people who dislike them and love them. As much as I understand that a couple can consider their significant other's opinion, we can't make rules about other people's bodies, can we? I guess the question would be "How badly do I want this tattoo?" versus "How badly do I not want my partner to be pissed off?" In contrast, the latter tends to stick around for a comparatively short duration, whereas the former is typically something that a person has been considering for quite some time. Needless to say, I'm assuming this is a rather thought out tattoo, rather than just a random impulse. And I am guessing that it is something personal to her versus getting a tattoo of Mike Tyson's face on her back. Initially, this was an issue for me too. Rather than the tattoo itself, I was taken a back that it was my initial. We hadn't been dating long, so that was strange. It was henna and not permanent. Your message seems to be that she should make the choices about her body that feel right to her, while still understanding there are certain expectations and boundaries for her. Don't force yourself into a position where you have to pretend that you love/accept the tattoo if you, in fact, don't. Ultimately, it is her choice and yours to decide how it will affect your relationship. Your girlfriend deserves your honesty and transparency, and she'll be able to appreciate that. Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 Man, that sucks. Especially because you told her right from the start that you’re not a fan. And I can totally relate. I’m not a fan either, and I’m not attracted to men who have tattoos. I find it weird that people would subject themselves to that type of self-mutilation, especially because there’s no reliable way to get rid of them, and I would never get one myself. You literally couldn’t pay me enough. Nowadays, though, it seems like everybody has one. Or many. Why is it so hard to find a person who doesn’t have a “tat” (🤢)? And then they all claim and they all always very predictably say - oh but mine is/are different …… they are soooooo personal to me. Yeah whatever – if everybody has a tattoo somewhere, it’s hardly personal. It’s like a fashion trend and it’s an unfortunate one….. I’m sorry you are going through this. I would definitely be less attracted to my partner if they chose to get a tattoo after a four year relationship. However, if you have one yourself, it’ll be tougher for you to prove your point. You didn’t elaborate on that so I’m not sure. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said: It's purely a "me" issue, but one that I'm really struggling to come to terms with. Yes, this is I think what you have to impress on your girlfriend. Maybe you can try to introspect as to why you have such a problem with tattoos. I wonder if you have prejudice towards women with tattoos which is what leads to your negative connotations. I also wonder if your girlfriend getting tattoos would ultimately dispel the negative association you have with them. After all of the woman you love has them, then they can’t be a bad thing can they? If they’re a part of her, and meaningful to her, and you love her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 Agree with Weezy. Figure out why you're having such a visceral reaction to your girlfriend wanting a tattoo. Tattoos are deeply engrained in culture and history and it's likely that your reaction is rooted in something deeper than just not wanting her to get a tattoo. That said, the reactions we have often have roots in fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of transformation, fear of change, and fear of difference, or something that you may not even be aware of. Talk to her about why you don't want her to get one and see if you can get to the bottom of your reaction. Whatever the underlying cause is, it's important to address it in order to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. It's great you're honest with her. And yes the issue of permanence is definitely there. I suppose you can't dissuade her if she set on it, but it's good you were straight up rather than pretending you're thrilled about it. Does it feel like a bait and switch in addition to doing it on a whim? I don't think it's a bait and switch. Both her sisters have a tattoo, and her 73-year-old mom got one about 7 years ago. Should it surprise me? Well, a little, since she's never said she wanted one in the past. I guess people change over time, is all... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 1 hour ago, BrinnM said: Man, that sucks. Especially because you told her right from the start that you’re not a fan. And I can totally relate. I’m not a fan either, and I’m not attracted to men who have tattoos. I find it weird that people would subject themselves to that type of self-mutilation, especially because there’s no reliable way to get rid of them, and I would never get one myself. You literally couldn’t pay me enough. Nowadays, though, it seems like everybody has one. Or many. Why is it so hard to find a person who doesn’t have a “tat” (🤢)? And then they all claim and they all always very predictably say - oh but mine is/are different …… they are soooooo personal to me. Yeah whatever – if everybody has a tattoo somewhere, it’s hardly personal. It’s like a fashion trend and it’s an unfortunate one….. I’m sorry you are going through this. I would definitely be less attracted to my partner if they chose to get a tattoo after a four year relationship. However, if you have one yourself, it’ll be tougher for you to prove your point. You didn’t elaborate on that so I’m not sure. Your thoughts on tattoos echo my own views. I most definitely do not have a tattoo myself and I never intend on getting one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: Yes, this is I think what you have to impress on your girlfriend. Maybe you can try to introspect as to why you have such a problem with tattoos. I wonder if you have prejudice towards women with tattoos which is what leads to your negative connotations. I also wonder if your girlfriend getting tattoos would ultimately dispel the negative association you have with them. After all of the woman you love has them, then they can’t be a bad thing can they? If they’re a part of her, and meaningful to her, and you love her? No, it will not. That's like applying a distasteful modification to, say, a vehicle that I really like. I'll still like the vehicle, just not the modification. I won't change my tune on that specific modification just because it's on a car I like. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 2 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: No, it will not. That's like applying a distasteful modification to, say, a vehicle that I really like. I'll still like the vehicle, just not the modification. I won't change my tune on that specific modification just because it's on a car I like. You’re comparing a woman you supposedly love to a car? Wow. Objectifying women gets to a whole new level. You should be proud of yourself for this stance. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: Agree with Weezy. Figure out why you're having such a visceral reaction to your girlfriend wanting a tattoo. Tattoos are deeply engrained in culture and history and it's likely that your reaction is rooted in something deeper than just not wanting her to get a tattoo. That said, the reactions we have often have roots in fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of transformation, fear of change, and fear of difference, or something that you may not even be aware of. Talk to her about why you don't want her to get one and see if you can get to the bottom of your reaction. Whatever the underlying cause is, it's important to address it in order to move forward. It most likely stems back to my upbringing. Despite not being religious myself, with my Irish/Italian background, I was brought up with Roman Catholic values, attended a strict Catholic-denominational school and my mom was very conservative in dress code. She also didn't like tattoos. Whether or not my upbringing is a factor in it, it's hardly something that I need to change. I have preferences, and my dislike of tattoos isn't something that's abnormal and something I'd need to treat in order to overcome. I simply do not find tattoos attractive, end of. I can't help it. They don't enhance beauty, they are a blight. I think they're stupid, and I personally don't understand why anyone would want to get one. Yes, it's a me problem and if she gets one, I'll have to find a way accept it. However, I cannot and shouldn't have to find a way to like it, because the default position of someone shouldn't be to like them, or not. They're a preferential concept. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: You’re comparing a woman you supposedly love to a car? Wow. Objectifying women gets to a whole new level. You should be proud of yourself for this stance. It was an analogy. Look beyond the comparison and try to understand why your suggestion was logically flawed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 How is it that tattoos have been a part of culture since ancient times? Tattoos have been found on the bodies of ancient mummies and pottery. It's cool though if you don't find that type of self-expression attractive. There are countless cultures that have used tattoos as a way to display identity, rituals and customs. It is a form of art, and many people find it to be empowering and liberating. There are dealbreakers in all relationships, and as odd as it seems to me to make a tattoo a dealbreaker, I could see it. The only good reasons to end a relationship have little to do with how a person chooses to dress themselves and decorate. It has to do with the personal values they hold that are important to each individual, not on superficial matters. Then again, one could argue that the relationship is more important than the artwork. Your mileage may vary. If it's something that is important to you, maybe think about the cultural conditioning you have undergone causing you to have such strong feelings about something that in the scope of life doesn't affect you at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 I completely relate. My partner has one old one on his shoulder which he regrets, and I try not to look at. It's not really just the tattoo itself for me, it's about values. I'm very much anti-tattoo because of, as @BrinnM said, it's the self-mutilation aspect, the mindless following of a questionable fashion trend, and they're hard to get rid of if you regret it. Then there's that thing that often happens, the person gets one, then two, then three, then a sleeve, a leg....... it's a slippery slope. My partner's daughter is half-covered, like your girl she's blessed with beautiful skin, and she started out with a dainty little butterfly on an ankle. She now looks like Pete Davidson. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 3 minutes ago, MsJayne said: I completely relate. My partner has one old one on his shoulder which he regrets, and I try not to look at. It's not really just the tattoo itself for me, it's about values. I'm very much anti-tattoo because of, as @BrinnM said, it's the self-mutilation aspect, the mindless following of a questionable fashion trend, and they're hard to get rid of if you regret it. Then there's that thing that often happens, the person gets one, then two, then three, then a sleeve, a leg....... it's a slippery slope. My partner's daughter is half-covered, like your girl she's blessed with beautiful skin, and she started out with a dainty little butterfly on an ankle. She now looks like Pete Davidson. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. She'll get them, post them on the socials, and get a million reactions and comments about how "beautiful" they are, etc. When the next pet dies, she'll want to add to it. Maybe on the other wrist. I haven't really known anyone to get a tattoo and stop at one. Both of her sisters have many tattoos. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 (edited) 7 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: If my girlfriend gets theae tattoos, I fear she's going to get more. This doesn't always happen. A few people go on to have their full bodies tattooed... but many people are content for life with a few small tattoos. Many of my friends got 1 tattoo 10-20 years ago and stopped there. If you're okay with the tattoos that she is actually, concretely planning on getting (as opposed to hypotheticals in the future), then I'd just go with that, and cross the "future" bridge if or when you come to it. Honestly, there are so many bigger unknowns in life, that it doesn't make sense to me to worry so much over such a small thing as the "potential that she might get more tattoos in the future". I understand that you don't like tattoos, and honestly I personally don't like them and will never get one either, but... it's literally just skin. If my husband ever said he wanted to get them, I'd just say that they don't do anything for me, but it's not a big deal if he wants to. In a LTR there are far bigger issues to worry about IMO. Edited July 14, 2023 by Els 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 Everyone has their own opinions and preferences about tattoos. They don't have to be tacky. Some can be rather beautiful with allot of meaning behind them. It sounds like she has always loved tattoos and always wanted to get one. There isn't anything you can do if she has made her decision. You can request that she just sticks to what she planned and not go overboard. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 It's clear you have an issue with this. IMO, 3 1" tattoos are definitely something to compromise on (and it sounds like you are doing just that, which is good). IF she starts to go "tattooed lady" on you, you may have to revisit the relationship due to your feelings about them. But THAT is very much a bridge yet to be crossed and you'll likely never get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 Shoot! I don't even know what advice to give. All I can say is that I totally agree with you. It's obviously just a matter of preference or opinion but I think tattoos don't look great, certainly aren't going to ADD to a person's attractiveness and definitely don't age well at all. Not to mention, they go in trends so whatever stamp a person gets in 2023 will scream year 2023 down the road. As well as I think most people who get them, actually believe that it does make them more attractive or cooler. i know you guys are really in love and solid. Being part of a couple is not perfect of course. Tough position to be in because imposing your desires onto what she does with her body becomes problematic as well, right? Even if you are just vocal or too vocal, it can cause problems and then at the same time, you just don't find it attractive. I don't have much advice except for I agree😭 good luck 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 I have to be honest, I think it's weird that you are so "distressed" over this. They are very small tattoos, one inch. If you can't let this go then I think you have some control issues. And I know you are not trying to actually control her. You know that it's her body, her life and she can do whatever she wants. You have to learn to either accept this, or break up with her if it truly distresses you so much. 17 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I will try to get over it, but for mine, I think it's tragic that such a beautiful woman, naturally beautiful skin, is going to (in my mind) desecrate this. This is disrespectful. Would you say the same thing about a man? She doesn't exist to be a pleasing object for men's view. If getting these tattoos makes her happy, then it's no one's business and no one's place to say she shouldn't. Even yours. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 it seems simple enough. if you don't like tattoos, you should break up with her and not try to influence what she wants to do with her own body and her own choices. or she could break up with you so that she can find someone more open minded about what she wants to do with her own body and ability to make her own decisions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 17 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: The tattoos (plural) are three, approximately one inch tattoos, of her (now deceased) three cats. She said each cat represented a different period of time in her life, and she wants them as reminder of the good times. Isn't your girlfriend a veterinarian? Is it at all surprising that she wants to commemorate these cats and it may be a way of coping with the loss for her? Why is that such an issue for you? The bottom line is that you just don't like tattoos on women, and you don't find them attractive. It is likely that her looks will transform in additional ways that you might not find appealing. Make sure that you consider what is more important to you - your partner or having her look a certain way. Yes, sure, it's her body - and it's nice when your PARTNER acknowledges the things that appeal to you. You'll be looking at her body for the rest of your life after all. While you can't convince her otherwise, it's fair that she knows how much you hate tattoos and not just saying "I don't like tattoos", but "tattoos seriously detract from my sexual attraction to someone". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I have to be honest, I think it's weird that you are so "distressed" over this. They are very small tattoos, one inch. If you can't let this go then I think you have some control issues. And I know you are not trying to actually control her. You know that it's her body, her life and she can do whatever she wants. You have to learn to either accept this, or break up with her if it truly distresses you so much. This is disrespectful. Would you say the same thing about a man? She doesn't exist to be a pleasing object for men's view. If getting these tattoos makes her happy, then it's no one's business and no one's place to say she shouldn't. Even yours. I've already answered this question in a previous post. I personally don't like tattoos on anyone, but I'm not sexually attracted to men, so it really doesn't matter either way. I have never once said she shouldn't get tattoos. I've only ever said I do not like them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted July 14, 2023 Author Share Posted July 14, 2023 2 hours ago, flitzanu said: it seems simple enough. if you don't like tattoos, you should break up with her and not try to influence what she wants to do with her own body and her own choices. or she could break up with you so that she can find someone more open minded about what she wants to do with her own body and ability to make her own decisions. Well, no. It's not "simple enough" to just call off a four-year relationship where we've purchased a house together, our lives a fully intertwined and we love each other very much. Her getting the tattoos she's said she wants to get wouldn't come close to being something where I'd decide, "ya know, that's it, we're done." Not even close... I'm just not happy about them, from a personal perspective. That is all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 I'm not a big fan of tattoos either and rarely a fan of tattoos on women. And then ... Literally one of the coolest, kindest, smartest, sanest, wisest people in the universe that I know--a woman who has been a mentor and life coach for me-- has tattoos on her arms. I didn't find this out until after I had known her for a while. Seriously, when I learned that she had tattoos, I opened my mind. Because this woman is one of the most amazing people I know. I also sensed that the tattoos were a statement of the new person she was emerging into. I saw some photos of her when she was younger, and she was much more proper and bourgie. Now, she goes casual, casual stylish. And she's gorgeous, though she wears big glasses that disguise how beautiful she is. I say try this out for a while, just see where your feelings go over time. You might find that you care less than you think you would. Hold your tongue for a bit and see if your revulsion dies down. It is important that she NOT ask your permission or approval. That's just the way life is. My bet is in not too long you're going to want to do something that she won't like and you won't want to ask for her permission or approval. In fact, you may know that she will disapprove of whatever this thing is (could be a friendship with someone she doesn't like). And yet you may feel the need to do the thing anyway. See if you can relax and just not worry about whether this will ruin the relationship.You'll know what the deal is in six months or a year. Finally the bad news: there is a slight chance--I emphasize "slight"-- that she is subtly pulling away from you or changing in some way that will affect the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts