She informed me of her intention to get a tattoo

[Trail Blazer]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

Oh come on. I have ONE and I’m old! It has meaning for me and I love it. I never imagined I would get one until it hit me what it would be.

your closed mind is going to hurt your relationship. It just a tattoo! 
open your mind man… it doesn’t change who she is. 
be happy for her - OR leave her knowing you aren’t a good fit - mainly because you  judge a lot.

your upbringing isn’t opposed to a tattoo (I was raised strict Catholic too) I’ve never ever heard of tattoos being an issue while in Catholic school.

let her do what makes her happy. If YOU can’t handle a tattoo then let her go knowing you aren’t a good match.

and why is this in the marriage forum when you aren’t married?

You might want to direct this question to the mods.  They're the ones who moved the thread here.  I suspect it may have something to do with the "and Life Partnerships" part of this forum.  Why does it matter, anyway?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Upon reflection, I've probably put a huge dampener on things for her, when I've been the very thing that's played a huge part in her getting to where she's at.

Still, it doesn't change the fact that I very much dislike tattoos, and I'd have much preferred if she never wanted one of her own volition.  So be it, she wants one and I'll get over it.  I love her too much to not.

You're a good man TB

My thoughts on partnerships is that there is a lot of give and take, and for better or worse, we all change as we age.    All in all, I'm all about keeping an eye on how much one gives way for the other.  If both partners can accept the changes and preferences and foibles of the other, then it probably works out square.  But if one starts to feel like they are the only one giving way and that a partner never does it in return, then there's a problem.  But it does sound like the two of you are solid.

I hope you had a good evening together

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Exactly, you’re totally right, but if you know from the start that your partner hates tattoos, because he thinks that they give a cheap & tacky vibe, and all of a sudden 4 years into the relationship you decide to get one or two or three anyway, that’s just not cool at all.

People are allowed to change.  People are allowed to make a personal decision to get tattoos.  Humans don't stay the same throughout their lives.  If she has decided that she really wants to get a few tattoos, then he is free to end the relationship if it really bothers him that much.  And I truly don't think that makes him a bad person.

All this judgmental language, about how she's being "manipulative" (which I believe you said in one of your earlier comments) and it's "not cool at all", is just uncalled for.

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Upon reflection, I've probably put a huge dampener on things for her, when I've been the very thing that's played a huge part in her getting to where she's at.

Is this to suggest that her success is entirely yours and not her own?

If so, with criticism and lack of celebration of her successes, it's likely she has felt like she isn't enough and that she can't do anything right. 

Tattoos are a deal breaker for you, and it's not a matter of getting over them. Compromising is inevitable in relationships, but having to compromise too often can be difficult, especially regarding to self-expression and the right to embrace one's identity. Really dig deep and think about why they make you feel so repulsed. That may be more helpful than having to negotiate with yourself in order to "get over it."

The decision is ultimately yours, but consider whether sacrificing your relationship is really worth it. Because that can happen if she feels attacked for her decision about what to do with her body.

At their core, tattoos represent a time in our lives regardless of their subject matter. Ink tends to mark certain mental states, certain emotional states, and whatever else motivates someone to get inked in the first place. As much as it might not be the most profound and meaningful piece of art in some cases, in which one bares their own soul, the fact that the experience of getting inked has happened for a reason in itself is enough to justify getting inked.

As you question her feelings and motivations in terms of her reasons for inking her pets, I see it as a double reason to get a tattoo, a reason for both happiness and self-expression. The adornment is important to her AND the fact that she is now able to do these things in her life is important to her. I don't see a need to stand in the way of that.

[LuckyM]

You have to be a cat lover to appreciate this. Are you?  Do you dislike cats?

   .    I don't like tattoos, and I know how you feel, especially large ones . Often ugly, worse than scars, defacement, cartoonish.

But this is different...a memory of her beloved cats that you cannot understand but I DO.  I am on her side if she keeps the tattoos small, inconspicuous, only their names. No need for

images of them. This really is up to her! You are not married to her and she doesn't owe you this favor or obligation.

Tattoos are decorative, not an ethical issue. Take her or leave her.

[BrinnM]

Any updates @Trail Blazer?

I hope all is good, and conversations are going well.

[MsJayne]

On 7/15/2023 at 7:44 AM, Trail Blazer said:

She explained further, "I don't have children, my cats have been there for me my whole life, when people have let me down, they've always been a constant in my life, and each cat represents those periods of time that I got through... that we got through together."

I find this statement interesting. Did she choose not to have children or was there no choice? If her pets represented 'family' for her, the children she didn't have, this could be more than just a couple of tattoos, she may be trying to hold on to something she can't quite explain. 

[Els]

On 7/15/2023 at 7:44 AM, Trail Blazer said:

Last night we sat down and I told her that after having 24 hours to digest the news [...], I wanted to let her know just how I felt about it.

Ooookay, this response is just way out of proportion IMO. If I hadn't read your thread, and just read this sentence in isolation, I would've thought she'd told you that she intended to adopt a child, or move to a different continent, or that she cheated on you... basically, some major, life altering change that would literally change your relationship forever. Accusing her of having a midlife crisis because she decided to make a small aesthetic change to her body is insane. Can you not recognize that the amount of "distress" and relationship upset that you are experiencing over this is not rational or reasonable?

And no, "you can't help the way you feel about it" isn't a valid excuse - we are all adults and if you truly can't help blowing things up out of proportion, perhaps discussing this tendency with a therapist would be beneficial. I'd say the same to a woman who said and wrote things of such epic proportion to the revelation that her boyfriend was getting his ear pierced or shaving his beard off.

[Trail Blazer]

On 7/16/2023 at 12:06 AM, Alpacalia said:

Is this to suggest that her success is entirely yours and not her own?

No, of course not.

On 7/16/2023 at 12:06 AM, Alpacalia said:

If so, with criticism and lack of celebration of her successes, it's likely she has felt like she isn't enough and that she can't do anything right. 

Are you suggesting this in general, or specifically about the tattoos?

I have supported her from the very moment we started dating.

I'm not going to list specifics, but in her own words, "I've never felt as loved and supported as I have with you."

On 7/16/2023 at 12:06 AM, Alpacalia said:

 Tattoos are a deal breaker for you, and it's not a matter of getting over them. Compromising is inevitable in relationships, but having to compromise too often can be difficult, especially regarding to self-expression and the right to embrace one's identity. Really dig deep and think about why they make you feel so repulsed. That may be more helpful than having to negotiate with yourself in order to "get over it."

I haven't said that tattoos are a total deal-breaker for me.  It's not so black and white that the moment ink permeates that skin pigmentation, it's all over.  Otherwise, I'd be talking about our break up.

I've already speculated on why I may have issues with tattoos, other than the reasons being that it's just a personal preference which doesn't require deep introspection to get to the bottom of.

On 7/16/2023 at 12:06 AM, Alpacalia said:

The decision is ultimately yours, but consider whether sacrificing your relationship is really worth it. Because that can happen if she feels attacked for her decision about what to do with her body.

 No, it's not.  It would be tragic for the relationship to end over something like this.

On 7/16/2023 at 12:06 AM, Alpacalia said:

As you question her feelings and motivations in terms of her reasons for inking her pets, I see it as a double reason to get a tattoo, a reason for both happiness and self-expression. The adornment is important to her AND the fact that she is now able to do these things in her life is important to her. I don't see a need to stand in the way of that.

I understand all this.  I have never once used language akin to, "do not do it" or "if you do, xyz will happen".  I've only told her how I felt about it, and that's all.

She knows how I feel about it.  She has her reasons for wanting to get the tattoo, which she's outlined.  My feelings have had no bearing on her decision as she's set to go through with it.

[Trail Blazer]

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I find this statement interesting. Did she choose not to have children or was there no choice? If her pets represented 'family' for her, the children she didn't have, this could be more than just a couple of tattoos, she may be trying to hold on to something she can't quite explain. 

She never wanted children of her own.  I have two children and she loved the idea of meeting a guy with kids, so she could have that experience, but not the responsibility.

She's always been career-focused, and never liked the thought of being home with children.  It just never appealed to her.

Between her nephews and my children, (my kids adore her and she feels the same about my kids), she's stated that she's very content.

As she explained to me, cats represent the time in her life that they were there.  She's had many battles with depression and mental health and the cats were there for her in her darkest times.  

The tattoos commemorate both the cats' lives and the significance of the time period they existed in.  They're a symbol of her 'survival' as she never thought she'd make it this far.

[Trail Blazer]

On 7/16/2023 at 1:14 AM, LuckyM said:

You have to be a cat lover to appreciate this. Are you?  Do you dislike cats?

It's got nothing to do with whether I like cats or not.  I do like cats, I grew up with cats as my mom had many throughout my childhood.  I simply don't like tattoos, irrespective of what they are.

On 7/16/2023 at 1:14 AM, LuckyM said:

I don't like tattoos, and I know how you feel, especially large ones . Often ugly, worse than scars, defacement, cartoonish.

But this is different...a memory of her beloved cats that you cannot understand but I DO.  I am on her side if she keeps the tattoos small, inconspicuous, only their names. No need for

images of them. This really is up to her!

Thr tattoos aren't names.  The tattoos are one inch faces of each cat.  The images are her own illustrations, which she getting the tattoo artist to copy.

I'd hardly call them inconspicuous when they're going to be on her arm.  

On 7/16/2023 at 1:14 AM, LuckyM said:

You are not married to her and she doesn't owe you this favor or obligation.

Tattoos are decorative, not an ethical issue. Take her or leave her.

Marriage doesn't give me ownership over her any more than not being married.

I'm not sure where I've ever said there was an ethical issue with tattoos? 🤔

[ShyViolet]

8 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Thr tattoos aren't names.  The tattoos are one inch faces of each cat.  The images are her own illustrations, which she getting the tattoo artist to copy.

I'd hardly call them inconspicuous when they're going to be on her arm.  

Who cares whether they are inconspicuous?  She likes them.  That's all that matters.  They are very small, you should be able to overlook it.

The way you are treating her over this may take a toll on the relationship.  You are acting like she is planning on getting Michael Jackson-level plastic surgery and disfigure herself.  I just hope you recognize that this is a " you" problem.

[Trail Blazer]

23 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Any updates @Trail Blazer?

I hope all is good, and conversations are going well.

When she came home on Friday night, we didn't really say much.  She heated up some dinner and went straight to bed and read for a while.  I stayed in the lounge and watched sport.

Saturday night we had a dinner party with her work team.  Everyone had to bring one dish, and I'd already promised to prepare my "Irish-Italian" potatoes, so we needed to work together to get both dishes made.

It was a little frosty, and our conversations were strictly about the task at hand.  

However, when we arrived, it was an amazing night.  I hadn't met many of her work colleagues, as she's only worked at this place for six months.  I got along great with them, especially her boss who's very extroverted.

Just seeing her interact with her friends/colleagues, her smile which lights up a room.  For mine, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.  

The idea of losing her simultaneously makes me feel distraught as well as physically ill.  I love her so much and I don't know what I'd do without her.

She had quite a few wines, I had a couple of glasses as I was driving home.  She was so happy after a great night, and we talked and laughed about some humorous exchanges all the way home.

This morning when we woke up, she snuggled up to me in bed.  It was the first time we made any kind of physical exchange since our conversation.

I reciprocated her embrace, and then she asked rather sheepishly, "So, you don't hate me?"

I told her that I love her so much and that she's never done anything to make me feel anything remotely close to hatred.  I told her I was sorry that I made her feel like that was ever something I felt.

We "made up" for want of a better term, and had a lovely breakfast together which she prepared.

She's gone to the gym this afternoon, and she's in very good spirits.

I guess that concludes where things are at.  She's still getting the tattoo, and I'm hardly going to end a beautiful relationship despite on a personal level really wishing she never wanted to get a tattoo.

[Trail Blazer]

Update:

I'd been away from 23 days working, whilst my partner had gone to celebrate her best friend's 40th birthday in San Fransisco.  No discussion about tattoos transpired after the last post was made.

It was in the Golden State where she was going to get this tattoo, so when I picked her up from the airport yesterday afternoon, I observed a curiously missing tattoo.

I am not really sure what to make of it.  Has she quietly decided against getting the tattoo after our discussion?  I don't know whether to bring it up, or let it slide?

She hasn't been acting strange at all, as though she's resenting me and she had a great time in California with her friend. 

So, whilst I am happy that she hasn't gotten the tattoo for my own personal reasons, I do feel concerned in a way that it could only have been what I've said to her that changed things.

If she were to say that it was because of me, I'd feel a little guilty.  I mean, I don't regret telling her how I felt, as there's really no alternative than to be honest in a relationship. 

However, at the same time, I never told her not to and I fully expected her to follow through with it.  I practically conceded as much to her, and I was resigned to the thought of it being fait accompli.

Basically, I'm not really sure how I feel right now.  There's a confliction of emotions. 🤔

[BrinnM]

I don’t know. I mean a tattoo is a big decision because it’s like an everlasting thing and maybe she took to heart what you told her and she thought “yeah he’s not wrong, so I’ll just think about it some more” - that’s what I am guessing. 
I think you handled it well so I wouldn’t be too worried

Edited August 16, 2023 by BrinnM

[Alpacalia]

Well, that's the thing, if you expressed displeasure with her getting a tattoo, it's entirely possible she made the conscious decision, or at least sub-consciously wanted to make you happy and not go ahead with it. This was something deeply meaningful for her, and while you don't agree with the tattoo, she is clearly capable of seeing the situation from your point of view.

Hopefully she will not feel any resentment or guilt for going against her plan and going to not get the tattoo. This will not be the last difficult issue you both confront in the relationship, so it may be best to start the line of communication early. Talk to her about the situation and let her know that you appreciate her going out of her way to make you happy. Even if she did choose to not get the tattoo because of your opinion, understanding that such a weighty decision was respected by her partner and she was not wrong in making it should be comforting.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

She hasn't been acting strange at all, as though she's resenting me and she had a great time in California with her friend.  

You two seem to have a good relationship and communication. It's possible she came to her own conclusions that it's just not her after all. Sometimes the idea of something is better than the reality of it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe she had a change of heart, or maybe it was something logistical such as not being able to get an appointment with the artist of her choice. 

Why not ask her? 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can bring it up. But make sure you are in a really good mood when you do. Maybe wait a week or two and ask then. Or just sit back--she will tell you in time. Just have your line ready: 

 

[mark clemson]

Don't overcomplicate things. It's clear you compromised on what she no doubt realizes is a deeply-held aversion to tattoos. I suspect this is her compromise in return. If you bring it up, do so cautiously (and appreciatively) as there probably is at least a little resentment under there somewhere. She's clearly made a decision and is to a certain extent deciding to prioritize your feelings over hers on this particular matter, so you might wait a while before bringing it up to let things settle and be sure she's fully reached "acceptance".

It's also possible that she's "giving you time" to get adjusted before getting a new tat.

Life is long and the ability to reasonably compromise on both parts is IMO a hallmark of a relationship with mature partners that can potentially last.

Edited August 16, 2023 by mark clemson

[Trail Blazer]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe she had a change of heart, or maybe it was something logistical such as not being able to get an appointment with the artist of her choice. 

Why not ask her? 

I suppose my hesitation stems from an uncertainty that I'd be able to ask in a way which conveys tactfulness. 

If she's chosen not to because of me and me only, and she's hiding some resentment, I don't want to stir things up.

She could potentially see me bringing it up as rubbing it in her face.  I don't know, really, but I'm just going to wait it out for a bit.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Trail Blazer said:

  I don't know, really, but I'm just going to wait it out for a bit

It's fine to let it come up naturally if and when she brings it up. For now try to assume she decided against it for her own reasons (chickened out, too painful, too expensive,  not into it anymore, etc.) Keep in mind if she was dead set for it she would have done it. Try not to feel guilty. You both talked and laid your cards on the table about it. 

[JTSW]

I don't see the point of bringing it up.

Just carry on as normal and put it out of your mind.

If the topic arises again down the line, then discuss it.

But for now, just carry on as normal.