Hint or not about being a 'gentleman'

[Sam2020]

On 7/16/2023 at 9:04 PM, Els said:

If you've never even asked, and it's important to you, then it's totally fine to ask. It's possible he just hasn't thought about it, or that he received negative responses in the past. So if you don't express your thoughts to him, he won't know what you do or don't like. But that's as far as it should go... ask, and then see what happens. Don't push for it.

Personally, I don't like the car door thing - once in a while for a full-on romantic date is nice, sure, but if H was to do that on a daily basis it would be such a hassle. Like, he'd have to walk to my side, open it, then walk over to his side... I'd rather save the extra few seconds to be honest. He does, however, automatically carry heavy stuff for me. And unlike the car door, that actually makes sense to me, because he's physically larger and stronger. I guess I don't really see it as a gender-based role, but rather a physical traits role... we each contribute the things that we are better at, and this is just an extension of it.

Yeah, the car door thing is only him seating me first so he would be walking with me from wherever, to my door.  Not him getting out of his side, and coming on my side just to open the door for me to exit.  My ex tried that but I always got out before he got to my door so he stopped trying.  It's just an old fashion role in which I have become accustomed since men I've dated for the past 35 years (married 21 of them) have done it.  Not really a matter of right, wrong, being able, being stronger, etc.  Just a nice thing that I would appreciate.  But as mentioned, he's been great in other ways.

The thing I struggle with is being Asian, raised in a rural town on an Island (Oahu).  Culturally, for many of us of a certain age (I'm over 60) we have difficultly speaking up.  This will take some thinking on how to mention it.  🤨😬

[Alpacalia]

Hey, you know what's interesting? Some women actually get offended when a guy tries to be a gentleman. I heard this story about a guy who opened the door for his date, and she ended up yelling at him and accusing him of belittling her. She called it toxic behavior and left. It's crazy, right?

I think the problem here is that some guys might not be confident in displaying such behavior because they've never been encouraged to do so before. They may not even know how to go about it. The idea of being a "gentleman" wasn't something they came up with themselves; it was how they were raised.

Do you want him to open doors for you? If so, try expressing how much it would make you feel loved or respected. Express that is important to you and fits the moment. Even if you don't wish to use the word "love", still try to explain how much it would mean. Tell him that you appreciate it, and it makes you feel special and loved—or respected at least.

Of course, there's a downside to this approach. He might have his own expectations or desires that he wants you to fulfill, and you have to be open to that as well. It's a two-way street, after all.

Rather than just asking for what I wanted, I showed genuine appreciation and encouragement for something. For example, when a partner cooked for me, and gave me flowers on my birthday, I complimented the food, took pictures of it, and did something special the following day. I also saved the flowers after they dried and kept them. This wasn't because I felt like I had to-- it was because I was truly appreciative and saved the photos and dried flowers as a memento.

Oh, and by the way, I'm not suggesting you pretend to like something if you genuinely don't. If you don't enjoy the food he cooks, don't lie about it. But do appreciate the effort he put in, and be kind about it. 

I feel like this has to be genuine doing nice things for each other where you doing something encourages a response and your response encourages him doing it again.

If all else fails, just say to the silly bozo, mind opening the darn car door for me?

Well, maybe you can save that for down the road when you've been together for a while.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Sam2020]

Well we went out for dinner last night and he did open my car door when we were leaving.  I'm happy that I didn't have to say anything about it and he did it on his own.  Probably jumped the gun too early on.  But I'm learning more about him and continue to like what I learn and now this!  😃. 

Alpacalia:  Yes, I'm pretty good on compliments as I want him to know how much I appreciate the nice things that he does do.  I've always been a proponent of the five love languages as well.  

 

[Mrin]

Old Dog, New Tricks

I was raised by a single feminist mom in a household of women. I always thought of myself as gentlemanly... But in an egalitarian sort of way. I've always had good manners and treated any woman I was with warmly and with respect. However, I certainly didn't indulge in more "old fashioned" traditions. In fact I viewed them as most likely insulting.

When I was in my late 30s I spent a good amount of time in the Netherlands with a woman business partner. One of our clients was a Dutch gentleman about 25 years older than us. And he was very old-fashioned. One night as we were headed home after a business dinner, my business partner (basically one of the biggest badasses I've ever met) commented how delightful it was to be around him and how he treated her. Honestly, I was sort of flabbergasted. Here was this headstrong tough business woman waxing poetically about standing when she would leave the table or taking her empty coffee cup and disposable plate to the trash for her. 

We ended up having a fantastic conversation about it. And I started paying attention to him... Picking up pointers. Doing some research. And incorporating that into my life.

Fast forward many years and I'm basically a different person when to comes to gentlemanly behavior around women. There's always a time and place for it and it's sort of a sliding scale depending on the situation. But this old dog definitely learned some new tricks.

My point is until she pointed it out to me and we discussed how it occurred for her, I would never have known.

So my suggestion would be to be more vocal about the things you like and how they make you feel.

Mrin

[Gaeta]

12 hours ago, Sam2020 said:

Well we went out for dinner last night and he did open my car door when we were leaving.  I'm happy that I didn't have to say anything about it and he did it on his own.  Probably jumped the gun too early on.  But I'm learning more about him and continue to like what I learn and now this!  😃. 

 

 

I'm very happy for you 😊

Like Mrin said there is a time and a place and your bf rised to the occasion. 

Still be flexible, l'm sure you don't expect him to unroll the red carpet at your feet while running errands at costco. 

Talking of costco, last time we ran errands there bf & l got back to the car and l went straight to sitting in the car while my bf was loading my grocerise and then he took the cart back and while l look at him walking back to the car l'm hit with *when did l become this princess!!!!* l should have at least taken the cart back!!  When he got in the car l apologized. We turned it into a joke but now l'm careful not to take his gentleman actions for granted.

[smackie9]

Sounds like he only puts in the effort if he see something in return. Maybe that's why he's slowly coming around. I understand where you are coming from, I myself like it when a man puts his best foot forward to set a good impression and has good manners. Hope things go well for you. Positive reinforcement seems to be working. 

Edited July 20, 2023 by smackie9

[Alpacalia]

On 7/19/2023 at 4:03 PM, Sam2020 said:

Well we went out for dinner last night and he did open my car door when we were leaving.  I'm happy that I didn't have to say anything about it and he did it on his own.  Probably jumped the gun too early on.  But I'm learning more about him and continue to like what I learn and now this!  😃. 

Alpacalia:  Yes, I'm pretty good on compliments as I want him to know how much I appreciate the nice things that he does do.  I've always been a proponent of the five love languages as well.  

 

Good to hear. I don't think you need to ascribe to "love languages," just do things that you feel naturally inclined when the moment strikes.

It's not about anything else, really.

[justwhoiam]

I've only dated gentlemen too. If we were out and I was feeling cold, they'd give me their jacket. That's a manly thing. Being protective and caring. Carrying bags. Being driven home and not leave until I'm in and safe. I too usually get out of the car right away!

But I think a man can be a gentleman and not very chivalrous, but if he's chivalrous, he's definitely a gentleman!

[leafverdant]

@Sam2020 Every person is unique, and their upbringing and experiences can shape how they express themselves in a relationship. It's lovely that your son is a true gentleman, and it's understandable that you value those qualities. If you feel comfortable discussing your feelings with John, you could gently mention that you appreciate certain gentlemanly gestures. Just remember, open communication is key, and it's essential to approach the topic with kindness and understanding, allowing him to be himself while expressing your thoughts. Ultimately, it's about finding a balance that works for both of you and respecting each other's individuality.

[Kassieee]

On 7/19/2023 at 7:03 PM, Sam2020 said:

Well we went out for dinner last night and he did open my car door when we were leaving.  I'm happy that I didn't have to say anything about it and he did it on his own.  Probably jumped the gun too early on.  But I'm learning more about him and continue to like what I learn and now this!  😃. 

Alpacalia:  Yes, I'm pretty good on compliments as I want him to know how much I appreciate the nice things that he does do.  I've always been a proponent of the five love languages as well.  

 

Did you proposely just sit there until he came to open the door for you, or were you doing something in the car that stalled your time?

Maybe it's because I'm of a younger generation than you, picturing someone just sit there waiting for the door to be opened for them is....different. 

Edited July 25, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

It might be a generational thing but it is more than holding doors open, or giving someone your seat.

It is how you view the world.

An ex when we first started dating flew 3,000 miles while I was away visiting family to drive me back home because I was nervous about driving back home alone.

I didn't view that as chivalry but kindness. And kindness applies to both genders. But it's more than that. It's about making sacrifices. Women aren't the only ones who need appreciation or validation.

So, I'd sit with him in freezing snowy weather many times to watch football because he loved his football and he typically preferred me alongside him.

 

[JTSW]

Sounds like you were just looking for issues where there aren't any.

He sounds like a gentleman to me.

You got a good guy there.

Don't stir the pot.

[Sam2020]

On 7/25/2023 at 12:18 PM, justaskingok said:

Did you proposely just sit there until he came to open the door for you, or were you doing something in the car that stalled your time?

Maybe it's because I'm of a younger generation than you, picturing someone just sit there waiting for the door to be opened for them is....different. 

No,  I stated on my earlier post that the opening car door is for me to be SEATED first.  I have never cared for a man to open my door when getting OUT of the car...unless it's the valet, lol.