Is this guy even interested?

[amkxoxo]

I connected with this guy on bumble. He asked me out right away. He had me pick the place, time, etc, but he suggested meeting up and the date. 

We had a really good first date on a friday night. We had a lot in common and I was pleasantly surprised. 

At the end of the date, he asked me out on a second date for the next Friday. A week later. 

Again, he proposed the date, but had me pick the place and time. It was another good date. I felt we connected. 

No kiss or anything. He hugged me, and then suggested we do another date on Monday. I thought- great a third date and he wants to see me just a few days later. 

I was so excited. At 4am, Monday morning I get a text that he was up half the night with stomach issues and wanted to reschedule our Monday date. I agreed and didn't think it was a big deal. 

We continued texting all week, but I grew frustrated he wasn't rescheduling our date. So I mention it to him and he says he really wants to see me again. 

I pin him down for Saturday nnight. He seems really into it.  Texting me about what we'll be doing. 

Friday comes and he cancels on me. He said he forgot his friend had invited him to a party Saturday night weeks ago. He tries to beg me to do it earlier Saturday for lunch or Sunday, but I was unavailable. 

I feel like he has canceled on me twice, so he should be trying to plan a date with me. He's texting me everyday, saying he wants to hangout again, and saying how pretty and cute I am. 

I keep telling him to let me know when he wants to hangout again. He says, yes and says he really does, but he never plans a date. 

He sends me cute pictures of him and stuff. I'm really confused and not sure what to do. He is divorced, no kids. He seems like he likes when I plan and ask him out. I just feel like he should be asking me out as the guy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I keep telling him to let me know when he wants to hangout again. He says, yes and says he really does, but he never plans a date. 

I would stop responding to him. 

Unless and until he actually names a date, time and place he's just looking for attention via messaging. Next. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

.he sends me cute pictures of him and stuff. I just feel like he should be asking me out as the guy. 

If you enjoy texting that's fine. But you've planned 4 dates and he's cancelled 2 so far.  Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others, so he's probably busy dating other women but enjoys texting to alleviate boredom.

Edited July 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

This guy sounds like a time waster.

Since he is still texting you every day, but never plans a date, I would text him back, "I notice you still haven't gotten back to me about another date. I am not interested in endlessly texting without having actual dates in person.  Let me know if you'd like to hang out again."

That might just put him off, which if that's the case, then good.  

If he continues endlessly texting you and repeating this same pattern, then I would cut it off, tell him you're no longer interested, and block him if necessary.

[amkxoxo]

I met this guy on bumble a month ago. He asked me out right away. We grabbed drinks on a friday night and had a fantastic time. At the end of the date, he asked me for another date for the following week.

With every date, he made me pick the day, I chose friday, place, time, etc.  I found this a bit odd. I'm used to guys just telling me the plan and I meet them. They make the effort. But this guy continually drives out my way a 1/2 hour and does what makes me happy. It baffled me at first. I was so bad at planning. But now I'm trying to just have plans in my head ready to go. 

I find out that he is divorced with no children. He says he rushed into his first marriage within a year and it was a huge mistake. He tried really hard to make it work, even tried counseling,  but it didn't. He says his friends and family didn't like her and some even skipped his wedding, because they didn't approve of him marrying her. He seems to have learned his lesson and doesn't want to rush his next relationship.  

We texted off and on in between dates.  A week later we have a second date. It was again great. We have so much in common. He then asked to see me on Monday. I agreed. I got excited, that he wanted to see me after a few days.  I made the plan with him. Early that morning he canceled on me saying he was ill. 

I texted him continously asking how he was. 

He said he was going to reschedule with me. And he was messaging me a lot. Finally on Wednesday, I wanted to pin down weekend plans. I made the plan and pinned him down for Saturday night. He seemed excited for our date, texting me about it. 

Then on Friday, he asks me to reschedule. He tries to get me to do Saturday morning or Sunday instead. He "forgot" his friend invited him to a guys night. He seems genuine, but it almost made me think- was he rescheduling because he got a better offer from his friends? 

I was unavailable, so the plans were cancelled. Plus, I don't want to be second best. 

I then backed away from him a bit. He canceled twice. But he kept messaging me. He seemed really interested. 

I decided to give him one more shot. I asked him to go to this free show in my town on a Wednesday night. He met me. It was a great date. We had to park far away. He insisted on carrying all the stuff to our spot. He was a really nice gentleman to me the entire time. We barely saw the show and ended up talking the whole time. I felt we really connected. It honestly didn't go perfectly. But I think that's why we bonded over it. 

This would be our third date. He spoke about cooking me dinners and we talked about common future goals we have. He teased me and made me laugh. 

I started to really really like him. We just get along and it's easy. 

He then says how his friend had invited him over Saturday night and maybe I could come with him and meet his friends. I got excited about this. He said he just wanted to check in with his guy friend that other girls would be there and not just guys. We spoke about movies we'd like to see. He even mentioned going to a drive in movie. We still have not kissed yet. But the tension was there on this last date and boy did I want to kiss him. But didn't want to scare him off. 

He also then asked when I was free next week to do something again and told me to tell him what night, etc.

He texts me when he gets home a bunch of smiling faces. I ask him why,  and he says he had an awesome time with me and he can't stop smiling. I couldn't stop smiling either and told him I felt the same. I even woke up smiling the next day- today. 

So today I let him know that I am free next Tuesday or Thursday for plans, as he had told me to do. And mentioned maybe we see one of the movies we talked about. We go down a rabbit whole into these other movies we want to see together in the future and it seems really positive. 

I then tell him to let me know about Saturday at his friend's house. He says "well I think it's a guys night" so no girls will be there. So no more me meeting his friends. I was really bummed out. We talk about one final movie we want to watch, but it'd have to be at one of our homes. He says he'd like to watch it and pretend begs me to watch it with him. I then say how we could watch it Saturday if he didn't have plans and I make a frown face. I didn't hear from him again. But I know I will tomorrow. He messages me every day. He even said it on our date. How he messages me every day. 

I want him to have friends and hangout with them. I'm not that girl that gets mad over that. 

I really like this guy and he seems into me, but he seems to like his weekends free to himself and only to see me during the week. He goes to bed super early, by 9:30pm, as his job demands he is up by 5am. So we only get a few hours ttogether. And I always feel like I have to make the plan. 

Is it weird he keeps bailing on me to have guys nights? How do I go about handling this situation? I just feel like if he really liked me, he'd want to see me Saturday. 

Edited July 21, 2023 by amkxoxo

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

 and maybe I could come with him and meet his friends

This is not a date or a plan, neither is going down rabbit holes about what movies you like and drive-ins are fun. 

You're talking way too much about what would be fun but rarely setting it up.

Yes it's quite odd he only wants to see you weekdays. Do you believe he goes out with guy friends every Saturday?

[amkxoxo]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is not a date or a plan, neither is going down rabbit holes about what movies you like and drive-ins are fun. 

You're talking way too much about what would be fun but rarely setting it up.

Yes it's quite odd he only wants to see you weekdays. Do you believe he goes out with guy friends every Saturday?

That's what seemed odd to me. He just had some kind of guys night two weeks ago. Last week he had a work thing. He was even sending me pictures from the work thing. But suggesting I might meet his friends seemed in a positive direction. 

I sent him the drive in movie schedule and they are all on Saturdays, and he showed tons of interest in two movies that are playing in a few weeks and seemed set on going with me. So sounds like he would maybe be available Saturday. 

I am getting a half and half responses on this from friends. Some people are telling me that it's no big deal. Others are saying how he should want to see me on Saturday, because if you like a girl, you like her and will want to see her. 

[Alpacalia]

Being that he is recently divorced, he may be feeling cautious about getting involved in another relationship too quickly. Which means that he probably is enjoying spending time with you during the week and saving the weekends for relaxing and spending time with his friends. 

I also wouldn't be surprised if he was slightly worried about jumping into a relationship too quickly and wanted to take his time getting to know you before doing anything more.

That could explain why he was asking you to pick out the days and times for the dates.

Even possibly open to dating others.

I think that's kind of expected though for someone that is divorced and that said themselves that they "don't want to rush" into a relationship. How long ago was his divorce? The not wanting to rush into a relationship isn't necessarily bad but coupled with his actions it does clue you in a bit as to where his head is at and why they are not prioritizing a third date with you and is instead preferring to save the weekends for himself.

If he is consistently brushing you off to hang out with his friends then it might be a sign that he isn't as interested as you might think.

As for what to do in this situation, I think my best advice would be to continue seeing him if you still want to, but don't be too dependent on him or expect too much.

Keep things light and fun, and don't get too invested until his actions start to accurately show that he really likes you and is interested in seeing something serious with you. Table meeting his friends and don't be afraid to fill your weekends up with other plans when he isn't taking the initiative to plan anything with you. That way he knows that if he wants to spend time with you, he has to make it happen.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I believe that Saturdays and Sundays are his "Guy's Night" Time with other girls being there.  You are not official nor exclusive so for Now, He will keep you during the week.  Yes, I think he likes you but I also Think, He did slip up with "Other girls being there."  That is on a lot of his weekend with "Guy's Night."  Weekends you are Not even his  Sunday Best.🤥

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I sent him the drive in movie schedule and they are all on Saturdays, and he showed tons of interest in two movies that are playing 

Please stay away from "seems".  What is actually happening is he's apparently texting you all the time but busy every single weekend.  Please be realistic when making plans. Showing an interest in movies is not a date. 

Unfortunately you're both still talking to and meeting others and it's possible he saves weekends for new dates and meetings.

A guy who's single and on dating apps is not going to book himself solid on weekends with "guys nights", unless he's still clubbing with his friends looking to pick up women in person.

Edited July 21, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

So today I let him know that I am free next Tuesday or Thursday for plans, 

This is somewhat unclear. Do both of you not want to see each other Fri-Sun? Are you busy every Friday and Sunday and Saturday during the day?

It's also very odd that when you told him you were free, you started talking about drive-in movie schedules weeks from now and then badger him about it's only on Saturdays?  What exactly is the hold up in picking a day/time you're both free and deciding on what to do? 

[amkxoxo]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is somewhat unclear. Do both of you not want to see each other Fri-Sun? Are you busy every Friday and Sunday and Saturday during the day?

It's also very odd that when you told him you were free, you started talking about drive-in movie schedules weeks from now and then badger him about it's only on Saturdays?  What exactly is the hold up in picking a day/time you're both free and deciding on what to do? 

I want to see him on the weekend. He doesn't ask to see me on the weekend. And says kinda like he's all booked up with stuff. He had his "guys night" Saturday and he said he had family stuff on Sunday. Frida wasn't even mentioned. I'd like to see him and I'm more free. 

I might not be seeing him until Tuesday maybe. 

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I want to see him on the weekend. He doesn't ask to see me on the weekend. And says kinda like he's all booked up with stuff. He had his "guys night" Saturday and he said he had family stuff on Sunday. Frida wasn't even mentioned. I'd like to see him and I'm more free. 

I might not be seeing him until Tuesday maybe. 

Start making other plans. You're too focused on this man. He knows that you are interested in seeing him. 

Edited July 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

You are only "dating" so you both have to assume there might be others until talk of exclusivity. So for now he has his set time going out doing his thing every weekend. That won't change until you are exclusive and he is being serious about your relationship. For now you two are just getting to know one another so you can't expect too much investment at this time. Maybe slow down on the daily texting and leave it up to the dates to communicate. 

Edited July 21, 2023 by smackie9

[Alvi]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Start making other plans. You're too focused on this man. He knows that you are interested in seeing him. 

I agree with this. Is looks like you are the one doing all the chasing. Stop. You have done enough chasing. This guy isn't putting much effort into getting to know you. He wants you to make all the decisions to meet and is free to cancel them anytime as it seems. He is not making you much of a priority at all. But on the other hand, the two of you are not excusive. So, that means that you are free to make other plans and meet other guys. Not in spite of this guy, of course. But keep busy and do the activities that you enjoy without him. Meet with your family and friends.  And keep meeting other men. Don't put your life on a hold for this guy (or for any guy for that matter till you are exclusive at least). You never know, you might meet someone who treats you the way you want to be treated and is ready to give you what this guy can't at this point.

1 hour ago, amkxoxo said:

He doesn't ask to see me on the weekend. And says kinda like he's all booked up with stuff. He had his "guys night" Saturday and he said he had family stuff on Sunday.

How sure are you that this guy is actually single? He may have an actual girlfriend that you know nothing about that he meets over the weekend. It is quite strange that his friends also want to meet him every Saturday for a "guy's night." Don't they have other commitments, girlfriends, family, kids, wives, etc...Same with the family stiff. He meets with them every single Sunday? Even if so, sure he can spare an hour or two to meet you somewhere for a date. How about an afternoon date on Saturday? There is something that he is not telling you. I think that he is single and is enjoying his bachelorhood. Not that he is doing anything wrong, but I don't think that he is being honest with you about his intentions. 

OP, remember one thing. Interested people act interested. And if they are not, you are going to get a lot of excuses, flakiness, last minute cancellations, mixed messages, and tons and tons of confusion overall. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Stop giving him chances. Or just be blunt and tell him what you expect out of dating and that you don't appreciate the lack of clarity, the lack of planning and the vagueness and all that.

He seems "nice" but he doesn't have clarity and focus. In other words, he seems lacking in certain key social skills. If you want to continue with the vagueness, then keep going with his "plans." Otherwise, drop all this confusion and move on. 

[Alpacalia]

43 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I think that he is single and is enjoying his bachelorhood. Not that he is doing anything wrong, but I don't think that he is being honest with you about his intentions. 

I agree.

I mean, he said he doesn't want to rush a relationship following divorce and I can't say that I blame him nor would I try not to jump to conclusions about his intentions and make him out to be something he may not be. I guess what I am saying is that, when you start dating someone, as a female, you don't just stop having your own life and become of part of his life and his "guys nights." Whatever that means.

And I think it's alright for him to have a life outside of your dates. But that doesn't mean he gets to cancel on you willy-nilly every Saturday or fit you in when it's convienent for him. For me, if a man cancelled twice, that would tell me that he's not taking the relationship very seriously and/or he's just not that into me, but still stringing me along and I should just step away gracefully and decide if that's what I really want.

[mark clemson]

I think a lot of the advice above is solid.

People tend to want relationships "on their own terms" when they can get that. I think people who are serious about forming a strong relationship will prioritize it. He is not prioritizing it. To me that doesn't mean he doesn't want a relationship, just that he wants a more casual and flexible one.

If that's not satisfactory to you, you should probably move on or only take this half seriously while he "sorts himself out". He is setting a standard here of de-prioritizing you vs. friends, even, it sounds like, if plans were already made? You should consider whether you want that expectation to be built into any longer term relationship with this man.

For me, I think were I in your shoes, I'd feel that this person is too "flaky" for me and not really ready to get serious. However, everyone's different and you are you, so perhaps you are ok with his current style and willing to try to play a bit of a "long game" with him. Nothing wrong with that really, except perhaps for the chance of wasted time if things don't pan out.

[ShyViolet]

I think you are over-analyzing things a lot.  This guy is not your boyfriend.  Correct me if I'm wrong but he's a guy you have been on 3 dates with... and haven't even kissed yet.  You are just getting to know each other.  You seem to expect to have a place in his life like a girlfriend.  You aren't there yet.  If you do advance to a full relationship and become his girlfriend, then you would expect to be his priority every weekend.  But you are getting ahead of yourself.

He is taking it slow.  He told you that at the beginning.  He hasn't done anything wrong.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I then say how we could watch it Saturday if he didn't have plans and I make a frown face.

Girl, no. This is cringey. 

14 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I want him to have friends and hangout with them. I'm not that girl that gets mad over that.

Your passive-agressive message above suggests exactly the opposite.

[amkxoxo]

Well now, he says that we can have a movie night tomorrow night and he asks if I'm still free. I say yes. Then I ask what happened to his guy plans. He says how his friend bailed on the plan. So now he can hang our with me because his guy friends cancelled. And he jumps into immediately we'll watch movies, like we talked about. 

[amkxoxo]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl, no. This is cringey. 

Your passive-agressive message above suggests exactly the opposite.

I feel so stupid and clingy. I get too excited when I meet someone I connect with that I jump in head first and am totally invested. I can't help it. I hate this about me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I feel so stupid and clingy. I get too excited when I meet someone I connect with that I jump in head first and am totally invested. I can't help it. I hate this about me. 

Yes, you can. 

It's not out of your control. You need to stop, breathe, remind yourself you hardly know this person, and not react to every emotion you have about hiim (be it good or bad) 

[amkxoxo]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, you can. 

It's not out of your control. You need to stop, breathe, remind yourself you hardly know this person, and not react to every emotion you have about hiim (be it good or bad) 

I feel like the damage is done. I'm not acting like a high value woman. I'm smart, cute, awesome. I feel like I'm too available and clingy to him. 

Edited July 21, 2023 by amkxoxo

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I feel like the damage is done. I'm not acting like a high value woman. I'm smart, cute, awesome. I feel like I'm too available and clingy to him. 

How, exactly, does a "high value" women act?