Is this guy even interested?

[Lotsgoingon]

I want him to have friends and hangout with them. I'm not that girl that gets mad over that. 

OK, this thinking makes no sense. It's not your job at the beginning of a relationship to be understanding and to deliberately allow someone to prioritize other people over being clear with you. Let's back up. You want to be high value, then set some standards. You don't even know if the talk about hanging with friends is real. Could be he's got another date with a woman set up.

So quit worrying about being "nice" and "understanding." He hasn't earned that right yet. This guy could be a serial killer for all you know at this point. To use your language, you're treating him like he's a "high value" movie star. No, you want to focus on what you want and ask for that and hold to that! That's how you show that you value yourself and value your time and that you have standards in how men approach you and treat you. 

But you haven't ruined anything yet. You guys are still at the start--a confusing start but a start.

 

 

[Gaeta]

18 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

and doesn't want to rush his next relationship.

And this is what we get from men that 'want to take things slow' or 'are not in a rush'. I would have nexted this guy. If you are a serious dater, if you are ready to invest yourself then stay away from men that are 'not in a rush'. It means you're not 'it' for them but you're good enough for now. 

 

[MsJayne]

My take is that he saves the weekends for women who are a sure thing, just because he's a man. He probably is very into you and is keeping his other side pieces until you and he are an exclusive item and sleeping together.  I say this because the majority of males won't keep seeing a woman they're not really interested in unless they're getting sex.  

[Weezy1973]

First you’re not exclusive at this point. It’s still early stages, although getting closer to the point where you might want to discuss exclusivity. 
 

But you’re not his girlfriend, so expecting him to treat you like one at this point is misplaced. It sounds like he has a standing boys night on Saturday nights. In my view weekends go from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. There’s still a lot of weekend time that doesn’t include Saturday night. 

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

Well now, he says that we can have a movie night tomorrow night and he asks if I'm still free. I say yes. Then I ask what happened to his guy plans. He says how his friend bailed on the plan. So now he can hang our with me because his guy friends cancelled. And he jumps into immediately we'll watch movies, like we talked about. 

You are his back up plan it looks like. Hopes your date goes well.

[Alpacalia]

This is so off-putting that he tells you his friends cancelled and wants to take you out now. After cancelling on you twice.

Sure, I could see that when you're in a relationship and things come up, but you guys are newly dating.

Cmon.

This is very casual at this point, which is totally fine.

Just say, look, you'd really love to see him when schedules aren't so conflicted. 

 

 

Edited July 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

This is so off-putting that he tells you his friends cancelled and wants to take you out now. After cancelling on you twice

I agree. 

I would not go along with this. If he wants a date, he can organize a proper one and not just come around because his other plans fell through. 

[NuevoYorko]

23 hours ago, amkxoxo said:

I want to see him on the weekend. He doesn't ask to see me on the weekend.

He obviously is not into spending time with you on the weekends. It takes two.    You will have to take what you can get or move on. 

It might be a good idea to hold out for a man you like who also wants to spend weekend time with you.    Clearly this one has other priorities,  even though he has plenty of time to text with you.

 

[JTSW]

On 7/21/2023 at 4:46 AM, amkxoxo said:

I want him to have friends and hangout with them. I'm not that girl that gets mad over that. 

Obviously you are.

You also don't really have any right to get angry about it as you are not exclusive and only been on 3 dates.

He is being careful.

Edited July 24, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

On 7/21/2023 at 11:50 PM, MsJayne said:

My take is that he saves the weekends for women who are a sure thing, just because he's a man. He probably is very into you and is keeping his other side pieces until you and he are an exclusive item and sleeping together.  I say this because the majority of males won't keep seeing a woman they're not really interested in unless they're getting sex.  

This is extremely judging and sounds like you are speaking from experience.

I don't think it's really fair to judge the guy like this as he is really making an effort.

He had a bad marriage and is taking it steady.

[amkxoxo]

So, an update, our fourth date was so great. He and I have so much in common and we just fit together well. We're now exclusive. I'm so happy. 

 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

So, an update, our fourth date was so great. He and I have so much in common and we just fit together well. We're now exclusive. I'm so happy. 

 

He asked you  to be his girlfriend?  Good for you, does this mean he's going to now start seeing you on weekends?

[Alpacalia]

Wow. That was fast.

Congratulations. Very happy for you.

I don't understand though how he went from barely fitting you in to wanting to be exclusive. Did that raise any concerns for you?

But I'm glad to hear it's headed in a positive direction for you.

 

[Gaeta]

I'm confused. I thought he was not in a rush to be in a relationship? Does this mean you are now in an exclusive relationship with a man that is too busy most weekends? Why do you give your exclusivity to a man too busy, cancelling repeatedly?

More details please, who brought up exclusivity? 

Edited July 24, 2023 by Gaeta

[amkxoxo]

So it all makes sense. I'll explain. 

But yes, he even asked me to come with him this upcoming Friday night to meet one of his closest friends who is like a father figure to him. He told me he told his friend all about me. This friend is a confidante to him. His friend, friends wife, other friends will be there. I'm so excited. 

We have three dates this week and he's participating in planning and he puts in effort now. 

Our fourth date was so unbelievably good. We ended up talking about exclusivity the next day. He told me he wanted to ask me during the date,  but he got too nervous.

He opened up to me that after his divorce, his finances were really bad and he's starting over in his life with finances and life. He works hard and has a job. He's working on building up his finances and his credit again.  Things are tight for him. But he has a solid plan where he'll have more income coming in a few months, he hopes to then get a better apartment then too. He was very transparent with me about this. He sounds like a reasonable,  responsive guy. Not some crazy dreamer with ideas. He has a plan. 

He didn't say for sure, but I think this was why he may have been flaky for dates. He probably didn't have any money. He was too embarrassed to say. 

We have three dates planned this week, one is Friday and another Sunday, both weekends. One is weekday. 

After we made things exclusive- we did this on the phone and we talked. He kept sending me smiley faces and telling me how happy he is. It was really adorable. 

I feel very comfortable with him and a real sense of calmness with us being together. We're happy. Life is good. 

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I feel very comfortable with him and a real sense of calmness with us being together. We're happy. Life is good. 

I am happy for this! This is where you want to be when you start a new relationship & he shown he's able to communicate and being humbel about his situation, congrats! 🙂

 

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

e didn't say for sure, but I think this was why he may have been flaky for dates. He probably didn't have any money. He was too embarrassed to say. 

This is a very good reason as to why he wasn't taking you out.  A lot of women don't take finances into account when guys don't ask them out.  If you know he's having financial problems offer to go dutch.

[Alpacalia]

Right but doing things together could have included visiting a museum or going to the beach, or the infamous coffee dates 😚. Anything really as long as you were spending time with each other and getting on well.

Oh well, guess that's water under the bridge now. But how is it that all these new dates are planned now with his financial situation? Are you going Dutch? I mean, you can chip in with date costs for sure.

[amkxoxo]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Right but doing things together could have included visiting a museum or going to the beach, or the infamous coffee dates 😚. Anything really as long as you were spending time with each other and getting on well.

Oh well, guess that's water under the bridge now. But how is it that all these new dates are planned now with his financial situation? Are you going Dutch? I mean, you can chip in with date costs for sure.

They are all pretty much free dates we planned. 

[amkxoxo]

The one thing I'm struggling now with is just this next phase. 

I'm nervous. I've gotten to this point with guys before, and then it slowly unravels and fails.  I get so nervous and in my head, that I get boring, quiet, complacent. 

But I also look back and I think that was also the men I was with. They weren't right for me. And I think I felt this constant need to prove myself to them. I could sense something wasn't right. I wasn't in normal healthy relationships. They didn't prioritize me or put effort in with me ever. 

This guy is. He's been telling me how happy he is ever since we made things exclusive. Planning dates. I mean we have plans three time this week.  I can't wait to see him. 

And honestly, him wanting to talk with me about his financial pitfalls and almost double check with me about a few things before we committed. I loved his honesty and communication. I think he was feeling inadequate and not good enough for me maybe. He has some baggage. But when he told me about it, it was minor to me. My friends husband hasn't worked in years, has her working two, three jobs, the IRS is after him, and more. 

This guy has nothing even remotely close to that. He got divorced. It hit him hard. 

I feel very comfortable with this guy. Very at ease. I hope I'm not reading this wrong. 

He's texting me every day, all day. Trying to start conversation, but I feel like we don't have much to say. We occasionally do, fun stuff or something new, but I feel so uninteresting. I don't know if he feels like because we are exclusive, he has to talk to me constantly. I love the effort and I obviously like him a lot. 

I really want this to work. And I don't want it to burn out. I honestly feel sort of like I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I feel scared, boring, nervous. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

He's texting me every day, all day. Trying to start conversation, but I feel like we don't have much to say

Texting every day to touch base is ok, texting all day is not. This will kill the newness pretty quickly. 

Question: Do you both work during the day? If yes then concentrate on your work and text and call at night for a little bit. 

In morning you can exchange a couple of morning text then wish him a good day and tell him you'll get back to him after work. The message is clear. 

A man NEEDS to crave your presence, your voice, your communication. If you over feed him he will lose this magical feeling he's experiencing right now. 

Keep your mind busy with your work and remind yourself there is noway quick around this, new relationships need to start slow & steady. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I really want this to work. And I don't want it to burn out. I honestly feel sort of like I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I feel scared, boring, nervous. 

It's okay.

It's totally normal to feel a bit nervous at the beginning. Try not to be too concerned about it. I know when two people start a new relationship they want to be around each other all the time but don't forget to prioritize some "me" time. 

Why do you say that you feel boring though? Where does this thought come from?

[amkxoxo]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's okay.

It's totally normal to feel a bit nervous at the beginning. Try not to be too concerned about it. I know when two people start a new relationship they want to be around each other all the time but don't forget to prioritize some "me" time. 

Why do you say that you feel boring though? Where does this thought come from?

I don't always know what to say. Afraid of saying the wrong thing or not having something funny or cool to say. 

[Versacehottie]

7 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

The one thing I'm struggling now with is just this next phase. 

I'm nervous. I've gotten to this point with guys before, and then it slowly unravels and fails.  I get so nervous and in my head, that I get boring, quiet, complacent. 

But I also look back and I think that was also the men I was with. They weren't right for me. And I think I felt this constant need to prove myself to them. I could sense something wasn't right. I wasn't in normal healthy relationships. They didn't prioritize me or put effort in with me ever. 

This guy is. He's been telling me how happy he is ever since we made things exclusive. Planning dates. I mean we have plans three time this week.  I can't wait to see him. 

And honestly, him wanting to talk with me about his financial pitfalls and almost double check with me about a few things before we committed. I loved his honesty and communication. I think he was feeling inadequate and not good enough for me maybe. He has some baggage. But when he told me about it, it was minor to me. My friends husband hasn't worked in years, has her working two, three jobs, the IRS is after him, and more. 

This guy has nothing even remotely close to that. He got divorced. It hit him hard. 

I feel very comfortable with this guy. Very at ease. I hope I'm not reading this wrong. 

He's texting me every day, all day. Trying to start conversation, but I feel like we don't have much to say. We occasionally do, fun stuff or something new, but I feel so uninteresting. I don't know if he feels like because we are exclusive, he has to talk to me constantly. I love the effort and I obviously like him a lot. 

I really want this to work. And I don't want it to burn out. I honestly feel sort of like I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I feel scared, boring, nervous. 

well first congratulations!!. glad you "hung in there". Lol I say that a little sarcastically bc at 3 dates in, there's so much uncertainty in general that making the weekend part a huge deal IMO is unnecessary at that point. 

ok about the "next phase" and the bolded thought you are having, is I would tell you to chill out and relax a little. 2 days ago he wasn't your exclusive bf and now he is....so my point is that things can change in a day or two and then at the same time it's only been a day or two, see? You need a lot more information and history before you start worrying about what this will/won't be and your fears about yourself and how you present in a relationship.  The best advice I can offer is that you take things day by day and don't "jump to the end" trying to get a result out of this relationship.  Day by day should keep you from overly getting anxious and in your head and worrying about what the future will hold with him. It will also keep you grounded to actually ASSESS what you are "getting from this guy"---meaning you don't get so entranced with being into a relationship or "being a girlfriend" or trying to meet some label or threshold of relationship success that you ignore how compatible you two are or what he brings to the table, how he is in a relationship, how he does or does not bring out the best in you. Also the benefit of taking it slow is that you actually build the BOND that will keep you together. He's not a to do list item, lol. You need to build a relationship built on spending time together with no real agenda--laughs, deep talks, shared experiences, conversations. That will be the glue for the "graduated" experience, boyfriend, communication you likely desire. 

*I would add that if he's recently divorced and dealing with financial stuff that I would amplify the advice I'm offering--to take it day by day. Perhaps there will be moments he is skittish or cautious, as he should be...Has nothing in particular to do with you--only that if he's a good guy, he's likely learned from his past mistakes, divorce and won't want to rush things. Will hopefully as an individual be introspective as he goes into a new relationship. And in a way, you should IMO be sort of cautious with your expectations--know that it is sort of stereotypical that after divorce people have this one step forward, two back sort of personal growth...Much better than the alternative, where they quickly jump into a new relationship with little introspection and the need for companionship. 

So take it day by day. It will also allow you to grow confidence in yourself within a relationship. And develop the skills you need for a healthy one. Good luck😊

 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, amkxoxo said:

I honestly feel sort of like I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I feel scared, boring, nervous. 

Be you, that's all you need. There is no manual on how to be a girlfriend, just be a good human being you know how to do that right? Be honest, have consideration, take interest in what he says, see the positive in life. 

The early relationship phase is scary, we are taking a risk with our heart, but there is no alternative, it's the route that will lead to love. If he's not the right guy you'll move on and find someone else better. This guy will not make you or break you. People go through breakups several times in a life time and we all survive. 

You are NOT boring! The man asked you to be exclusive after 4 dates, he would not have done that if he thought you were boring. Chase these insecurities out of your mind.