GF of 3 years blacked out and was later told after she kissed another guy.

[joprano1]

Yes I agree that ultimately it's on her to not leave it up to others to look out for her if she were to get to such an extreme level of being intoxicated. I do however, feel like she only got to that level because she was around my friends and felt like she could trust that she could be out with them and nothing happen.

This whole situation was a first as she's never gotten drunk to the level of not remembering. She's also never gone out with them without me being there. She's never once shown any signs of infidelity or interest in this guy. I also feel like there's no excuse for his actions because even if he was left in a caretaker role for her, you can take care of your drunk female friends without making a move on them or ending up kissing them. Especially if you know they're not single. It felt like he took advantage of her guard being down.

My frustration with my friends also stems from the fact that everyone had this "it's not my job" attitude and while yes it's not technically your job, I feel like you should step in. Even if she wasn't my girlfriend. If I saw a girl that i'm friends with engaging in behavior that's destructive to her relationship and behavior that she wouldn't typically display I feel like I'd protect her from that or at least blatantly alert her of what she's risking to snap out of it. I understand that I can't hold everyone to the same standard or actions as me though. It just sucks that there's all this crossover with other friends. If Stan had been some random guy who we barely knew, but he knew I had a gf I feel like my friends wouldn't be siding with him but because they also have history with him they keep trying to constantly flip perspectives.

Oh well, All in all it was a learning experience and a first and last situation.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, joprano1 said:

My frustration with my friends also stems from the fact that everyone had this "it's not my job" attitude and while yes it's not technically your job, I feel like you should step in

Unfortunately if these friends are still acting like fraternity party animals, it's like asking the fox to guard the henhouse. 

  It seems like you don't want to be mad at her for getting this drunk and supposedly flirting.  However assigning local babysitters seems a bit patronizing. She should be watching out for herself.

Perhaps you two could work on more boundaries and communication that seems to have broken down over the time and distance?

[Alpacalia]

Your girlfriend went off on her own from the sounds of it and ended up chatting with Stan and it sounds like everyone was kind of doing their own thing so it's kind of hard to tell her friends to be responsible in that situation. You can certainly encourage your friends to watch out for each other and not let any of their friends be taken advantage of, but ultimately the responsibility of what your girlfriend chose to do lies with her. If a friend was about to do something inappropriate with someone when she's in a relationship, of course you would want them to pull her aside. It just sounds like from what you wrote that in that situation all her friends were at the other side of the room and that they viewed it as her talking to Stan and being handsy with him like she normally is with everyone else.

If your girlfriend felt comfortable being so vulnerable it sounds like she needs to take a step back and think about the risks she puts herself in when she is with this group.

The flip side is that it is not okay to take advantage of a person who is intoxicated. If someone does, their friends need to take a stand and call them out. Everyone in a group of friends needs to make sure that no one takes advantage of any of the others when they are vulnerable. If someone were about to get behind the wheel of a car while drunk, you would not let them do that, and would also not allow it from any of your own friends.

The part that worries me the most is her getting blackout drunk that she starting vomiting on herself. I would have put her in my vehicle and said it's time to go. She's lucky that she didn't have an accident or get injured in some way.

It might also be a good idea to talk to your girlfriend about her experience, and how it made her feel. This will let her know that you care about her feelings, that you understand the situation, and that you want her to be safe. You could also encourage her to talk to her friends about the risks involved if they wanted to continue in a similar situation, and suggest that they form a plan to monitor each other to ensure nobody is taken advantage of when they are vulnerable.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

I feel your friends overly encouraged her to consume too much. She was pressured IMO. And I feel she's someone that isn't used to this type of drinking, and didn't realize what was going to happen to her because of her lack of experience. Obviously she had no idea what her limit was. I hate this s%$# shaming in your friends group, when ultimately she was vulnerable and Stan took advantage of her. And yet Stan comes out as the good guy here because women/ her are the outsider...it's that stigma that still lingers in our population. 

I have been at many parties where guys took advantage of a poor girl because she was barley coherent. It's sickening. And who knows how far this Stan would have went if no one was there to witness it. 

I agree she needs some education about when out, even with friends. We always look out for each other, no drink is ever left unattended or it gets dump immediately, go to the washroom in pairs, etc. No one is allowed to go off with anyone. Too drunk? we all pack it in for the night and get them home.