Help to prove I am telling the truth

[MamaEm14]

 

So 7 years ago I found out my husband and high school sweetheart was cheating on me and wanted to leave me. I moved into the house we were supposed to be a family in with our son. I went through a very rough patch, wasn’t the mom I needed to be. I was attention craving. I just couldn’t get myself to be okay. I could not hang out with my friends that had husbands because it hurt me. So I chose the wrong people to spend my time with. I fooled around with a couple of people before I met my boyfriend now.

He had a complicated situation with his BM and didn’t want her to know he had anyone so he could still see his daughter. But I instantly fell for him and put myself in the situation to be hidden. That hurt me.

So I still kept living my own life. I talked to people and fooled around with some people as well. I still kept seeing him even through all of this and I knew I wanted him forever but I just wasn’t ready for his situation to be in or him but I did the wrong thing and couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t live on my own, I was too immature and couldn’t handle being alone.

My son and I moved In with my ex husbands parents because my only option was my moms house who had a million animals and went to the bathroom everywhere and I didn’t want my son in that situation. I moved in with them because I felt like it was the best situation for my son being so young and for me as his mom.

I ended up having sex with my ex husband sometimes and I was seeing my boy friend 2 days a week and every other weekend and doing that with him as well. During this time our relationship was still hidden from his BM and she knew nothing about me, not anything about us on Facebook, nothing. Still does not make what I did okay. Everything I did was wrong.

Anyway, I ended up moving out of there and moved in an apartment with my boyfriend and my son. And we became official at that moment and his BM finally knew. After 2 years. And he found on an iPad I had screen shots of things and conversations. He had found out the life I had been living since we had met. Before we moved in and once we lived together, I have never cheated on him or even had a thought of doing that. But I had trouble being honest about the past. I would give bits and pieces, but I just couldn’t be fully honest.

We lived for a year or so like this maybe? Then he kept asking me questions and was not believing what I was telling him back then and he would say well it would only make sense if it was this or it would only make sense if it was that. He told me he only wanted to know the truth and no matter how bad, we would try and get through it. Well he wasn’t believing what I was saying and I felt backed into a corner and I lied. I had told him about my ex husband and how I had been doing that with both of them. And he said I went through a time when I was really sore. And I told him why I was. I had an IUD at the time and kept getting constant yeast infections from the Skyla. And I have a dryness problem, so I told him about the dryness problem. And he didn’t believe it. He said it would only make sense if he was big or there was a 3rd person. Well there was never a 3rd person. And he just would not believe me so I took what he said and I just said my ex was a little bit bigger. And i just thought it would just all be over if he just believed that. But it never was.

For years until now, he would constantly ask me questions and I had to feed that lie basically and make it make sense. I had to make myself out to be worse than I was and like I was a size queen. And he just kept pushing for answers and I just kept lying and then he would never believe the size and finally the lie just got bigger. I said that he just had this huge monster private and that’s why I was sore. But that’s not true. He actually is smaller than my boyfriend is. And we barely did that. But it’s all still wrong regardless.

Anyway, I finally came clean and told him the truth after all this time. I couldn’t live that way anymore and I couldn’t let him live like that anymore. I just want a real life and not be fake. He doesn’t believe me. He keeps telling me if I can provide proof even if it was verbal proof that my ex is really not that big like I was claiming or that there was not a 3rd person then we might be able to be together.I just don’t know how to get him the proof because my words hold no value since I have lied so much. I cannot figure out a way to prove it to him. I just felt like I could never tell him that I lied back then. And I didn’t want to lose him that bad, that I told him anything that would make sense to him. It’s terrible. And honestly I don’t care about a private size at all. 

Please no rude judgements. I already know I am a terrible person and don’t deserve anything at this point. But I do want to save what we do have by doing what I need to do to be a good person. He deserves that.

Edited July 17, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to prove that you're being honest.   After so many lies, you've lost all credibility.

33 minutes ago, MamaEm14 said:

I had told him about my ex husband and how I had been doing that with both of them. And he said I went through a time when I was really sore. And I told him why I was. I had an IUD at the time and kept getting constant yeast infections from the Skyla. And I have a dryness problem, so I told him about the dryness problem. And he didn’t believe it. He said it would only make sense if he was big or there was a 3rd person. Well there was never a 3rd person. And he just would not believe me so I took what he said and I just said my ex was a little bit bigger. And i just thought it would just all be over if he just believed that. But it never was.

And honestly, I think your partner has good reason to question the validity of this ^ story too.  If you had a dryness problem, recurring yeast infections and pain with sex, you wouldn't have been having sex at all.   I think you've gotten to the stage where you're even believing your own lies.

Just stop.  Pull back from all the men and all the lies and focus on being a good parent.

[MamaEm14]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to prove that you're being honest.   After so many lies, you've lost all credibility.

And honestly, I think your partner has good reason to question the validity of this ^ story too.  If you had a dryness problem, recurring yeast infections and pain with sex, you wouldn't have been having sex at all.   I think you've gotten to the stage where you're even believing your own lies.

Just stop.  Pull back from all the men and all the lies and focus on being a good parent.

I wasn’t having sex that’s how he even knew about the soreness and all that. We weren’t able to have sex in that time frame. 

[Alpacalia]

I would just go your own separate ways.

Having sex with your ex-husband while in another relationship is wrong.  What you did was not okay and it sounds like you know that.

If your boyfriend needs proof of what happened in order for him to forgive you, then it is important to consider if the proof is realistically obtainable and worth the potential emotional labor it will take to provide it. While telling a lie may seem more feasible than to continuously provide proof that could not be believed, lies such as misrepresenting the facts could only worsen the situation.

In this case, it may have been easier for you to make up an alternative story about an IUD, medical problems, and dry skin than to disclose an embarrassing truth that could make your boyfriend question your judgment. Ultimately, this kind of lie can only create more problems, as it is not based on any truth and therefore can never be resolved.

Consider talking with a therapist or counselor to gain further clarity on this situation and how you may need to adjust your behavior in the future.

Edited July 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

9 hours ago, MamaEm14 said:

I wasn’t having sex that’s how he even knew about the soreness and all that. We weren’t able to have sex in that time frame. 

I'm sorry, the story is very convoluted and with so many past lies that I'm having trouble making sense of it all.   All in all, I would say that your lies have caught up with you and you now need to take the consequences.  

[MsJayne]

You're not a terrible person, just a misguided one who made some poor choices. The thing I find most disturbing is your BF's obsession with the size of your ex-husband's privates 🙄.  But, putting his privates-obsession aside, he has no right to interrogate you about your past, because right up until the point where he brought you out of hiding it was none of his business how you behaved. By allowing his ex to dictate the terms of his relationships with other women he effectively removed his right to expect absolute loyalty from you. He was putting her before you, and his concern that she'd punish him by refusing access to his children, while possibly a valid concern, is no excuse for making you wait in the wings like a grubby secret.  You may have voluntarily gone along with this to maintain the status quo, but how did you really feel about it? 

[MamaEm14]

46 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You're not a terrible person, just a misguided one who made some poor choices. The thing I find most disturbing is your BF's obsession with the size of your ex-husband's privates 🙄.  But, putting his privates-obsession aside, he has no right to interrogate you about your past, because right up until the point where he brought you out of hiding it was none of his business how you behaved. By allowing his ex to dictate the terms of his relationships with other women he effectively removed his right to expect absolute loyalty from you. He was putting her before you, and his concern that she'd punish him by refusing access to his children, while possibly a valid concern, is no excuse for making you wait in the wings like a grubby secret.  You may have voluntarily gone along with this to maintain the status quo, but how did you really feel about it? 

It destroyed me being hidden after my ex had left me for another woman and put her before. Just destroyed me. Then I was back into another situation where I felt that way and I couldn’t let him go but I didn’t feel Iike I could fully have him so I lived my life. 

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, MamaEm14 said:

Please no rude judgements. I already know I am a terrible person and don’t deserve anything at this point. But I do want to save what we do have by doing what I need to do to be a good person. He deserves that.

To echo someone else, you're not a terrible person. You're a person who made terrible choices, as is your boyfriend. IMO, your mistakes are on the same level. Neither of you was emotionally free to be in a relationship with the other. Each of you engaged in forms of deception that diminished the other person. But here's the thing, no one was holding a gun to your head. When your boyfriend treated you as cruelly as he did, you had the option of walking away. And when he learned you had cheated on him, he had the option of walking away. The fact that neither of you went with this option says a lot about your self-esteem and his, as well as the serious need for both of you to go for counseling and address your respective issues. Your saying, "I don't deserve anything at this point," indicates that you're not sufficiently emotionally healthy to be in a relationship with anyone. You need to end this relationship. You need to allow yourself to heal. You need to hold yourself accountable for your bad choices. And you ultimately need to forgive yourself. I don't see any of that happening as long as you engage in self-flagellation and pretend your boyfriend is a saint.

[MamaEm14]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

To echo someone else, you're not a terrible person. You're a person who made terrible choices, as is your boyfriend. IMO, your mistakes are on the same level. Neither of you was emotionally free to be in a relationship with the other. Each of you engaged in forms of deception that diminished the other person. But here's the thing, no one was holding a gun to your head. When your boyfriend treated you as cruelly as he did, you had the option of walking away. And when he learned you had cheated on him, he had the option of walking away. The fact that neither of you went with this option says a lot about your self-esteem and his, as well as the serious need for both of you to go for counseling and address your respective issues. Your saying, "I don't deserve anything at this point," indicates that you're not sufficiently emotionally healthy to be in a relationship with anyone. You need to end this relationship. You need to allow yourself to heal. You need to hold yourself accountable for your bad choices. And you ultimately need to forgive yourself. I don't see any of that happening as long as you engage in self-flagellation and pretend your boyfriend is a saint.

We have decided to end things and move on. I do believe this is best 

[MamaEm14]

If you haven’t been with people in years sexually, besides your current boyfriend now, are women expected to remember the size of their penis? 
 

I feel like as women and after talking to women friends, that you can just remember like thoughts maybe from the past but you can’t look at something and be like that’s for sure what I’ve had ya know? Very curious. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, MamaEm14 said:

If you haven’t been with people in years sexually, besides your current boyfriend now, are women expected to remember the size of their penis? 

Why would you be "expected" to remember this? It's probably better to not discuss past sexual history and activities and details. Keep your sex life private as much as possible.

Is this the same man?

 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, MamaEm14 said:

If you haven’t been with people in years sexually, besides your current boyfriend now, are women expected to remember the size of their penis? 

Why on earth would you think that woman are supposed to remember sizes?  And how many around with a tape measure for penises anyway?

[MamaEm14]

Well I’m just wondering. Just generally really. Do men expect women to remember the sizes of past partners? Like be able to look at something and say yea it was that size. I feel like you shouldn’t remember that or be expected to remember that. 

[MamaEm14]

Not know the actually size. But if they showed you something and said was it this size? I don’t feel like you could be exact. I mean you shouldn’t remember that stuff in anyway. 

[basil67]

Why did you post this in the infidelity section?   

[Wiseman2]

Just now, MamaEm14 said:

. Do men expect women to remember the sizes of past partners? 

You don't need to discuss that with your partner. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm not expected to remember but I'm embarrassed to admit that I kinda do. Not that I sit around thinking about my exes privates all day long.

[glows]

Ah the thread I didn’t know I needed. Yes of course I remember. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, MamaEm14 said:

Not know the actually size. But if they showed you something and said was it this size? I don’t feel like you could be exact. I mean you shouldn’t remember that stuff in anyway. 

I'd refuse to have the conversation. The size of an ex is nobody's business.  

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, MamaEm14 said:

Not know the actually size. But if they showed you something and said was it this size? I don’t feel like you could be exact. I mean you shouldn’t remember that stuff in anyway. 

Is this your BF again, still going on about the size of your exes member? Please don't tell me that he's pulling a zucchini out of a sack of objects and asking, "Was it this big?", followed by a chipolata with the same question, and so on. What is he, the detective inspector from the Penis Investigation Squad? Sounds like he's got you in the interrogation chair with a video recording you for court evidence. Do you talk about other stuff in your house? 

[JTSW]

On 7/17/2023 at 6:29 AM, MamaEm14 said:

Before we moved in and once we lived together, I have never cheated on him or even had a thought of doing that.

But you did. You were sleeping with your ex husband as well as your bf.

On 7/17/2023 at 6:29 AM, MamaEm14 said:

I do want to save what we do have by doing what I need to do to be a good person. He deserves that.

Its too little too late.

You lied too much and the damage has been done.

It seems for him that the trust has gone and rightly so.

He just doesn't know what to believe anymore. 

Your main focus should be on your son who has been in the middle of everything.

Forget men, Concentrate on him.

[MamaEm14]

I’m not saying I never cheated. I’m saying I did not once we lived together and we were officially together, I did not. But regardless I still did and broke trust. I caused way too much damage. 

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, MamaEm14 said:

I’m not saying I never cheated. I’m saying I did not once we lived together and we were officially together, I did not. But regardless I still did and broke trust. I caused way too much damage. 

We are not judging you in any way.

You got hurt and went through a really tough time.

I understand that and I feel for you.

You just made some bad decisions is all, but you can turn that around.

Try seeing a therapist that you can talk to who can help you gain more confidence to make good choices.

I don't think you will ever get back what you had with him, but that doesn't mean you can't move on and find someone that you can be completely honest with.

[Alpacalia]

I'm trying to wrap my head around your boyfriend asking for you to recount sizes of your exes penises to prove that you're no longer cheating. This is not a good relationship, at all, and you are best off without this person. It sounds like your boyfriend may be insecure and possessive, which is a huge red flag. No one should ever be asked to do something like this - it's degrading and disrespectful.

[JTSW]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm trying to wrap my head around your boyfriend asking for you to recount sizes of your exes penises to prove that you're no longer cheating.

I'm glad I'm not the only one baffled by this lol