Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 Literally asking for a friend.. I'm not married, in a serious relationship, but not married. My friend however has been married since 2015 but usually comes to the nonmarried friend for martial advice ( me) Lately, she revealed that whenever her husband has had arguments with her or fights ( so to speak) he will actually vacate their martial unit and literally disappear for days. I didn't know that this happens ( until she recently told me) but she is at her wits end with this as she sometimes hasn't heard from her husband for days. When he comes back and has " cooled off" he expects dinner to be on the table and life to resume back to normal. I told her the next time he does that, say nothing, but have all his things packed in a suitcase and send them to his mothers house as he clearly hasn't finished growing up yet. She says she is so weakened by this behaviour she herself feels passive in her responses. This to me is abuse. However, she doesn't seem to want to leave, when I suggest she leaves, she makes excuses. I don't want to push her either which way either, but she wants me to listen to it. I'm not sure what to do. I care about her, but if I don't suggest anything and just " listen" I feel I'm taking it on, and if I do suggest she gets defensive. I feel I don't know what to do and how to help her Suggestions? Thanks team Link to post Share on other sites
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 You have given the best advice you can and if she doesn't want to listen, It is her 😐problem. She is just venting to someone she trusts and who will listen. And continue to enable a man like this who doesn't care to communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 I agree she's just venting and has no intentions of leaving him. Some women are just like that and will put up with almost about anything to keep a man. It's best to just listen to her and nod your head. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 3 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: . I told her the next time he does that, say nothing, but have all his things packed in a suitcase and send them to his mothers house as he clearly hasn't finished growing up yet. All you can do is step back and not listen this much. She needs to speak to an attorney because locking him out of the marital home is illegal. She also needs to speak to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and viable solutions. So next time she starts complaining to you, simply suggest she speak to a therapist and attorney for appropriate advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 Does she know where and with whom he spends his time during his absence? He obviously doesn't really want to be married and is immature plus mentally abusive to his wife. If she stays, it is a receipt for a lifetime of misery. He obviously dragged life out of her to the extent that she doesn't even have strength to leave. He has zero respect for her and therefore she has zero respect for herself. There is not much you can do in these cases as in the end you might be labelled the bad guy. Next time she tells you about it, listen and tell her that you already said everything you had to tell and it is up to her what to do. You can also show her this thread with all the responses, maybe it sobers her up a bit. She needs to leave if she wants a chance at happiness. She needs to get into therapy to find out why she allows someone to treat her that way. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 She may not want your advice. Sometimes people just want to vent. You choose how much you want to listen to. I can see why you’d be upset for her and defensive for her but that kind of advice is also going to backfire because it’s too reactive. Telling her to pack his things in a bag and sending him back to mommy might sound comical and justified but it doesn’t solve the issue that they are married and both have a say in the marital home, any assets and isn’t sound legal advice. Ultimately it’s such a strong reaction from you it may push her in the other direction which is to just stay where she is. I wouldn’t enable her this much. Just let her know you’re sorry to hear about the problem and be empathetic but don’t get emotionally involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 You can't help her. This is not your problem to solve. It's best to stay out of it. She is an adult and it's her responsibility to manage her life and her marriage. If you are becoming frustrated that she never takes good advice and keeps making the same bad decisions over and over, then it might be time to distance yourself from this. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 Tell her to seek counseling with a professional. They will ask the right questions and redirect her thinking in how to handle her situation. let her know that you will be there to listen, but can't put forward any advice. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 I'd need to know what the confrontations are about and how she goes about confronting him. Leaving the house for several days would indicate that either he has to get away from her because he is in fact the one being abused, or he's got some psychological problem that makes him unable to cope with confrontation. Usually the person who's being driven out of their home is the one being abused. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 (edited) The next time your friend brings up her husband to you, tell your friend that you don't want to talk about him and then change the subject. She's just looking for a sounding board and isn't ready to make changes. That gets old quick. It is hurtful to sit by and watch your friend struggle in an unhappy marriage, but you can't fix their problem. You can say that you love her and want the best for her, and then change the subject to something more lighthearted and fun. Edited July 17, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 I had a friend that kept complaining to me that her bf was cheating, l did everything to convince her to leave and she didn't, even when he lost his job for sexual harassment toward a colleague she didn't leave. Don't put too much energy into this. She needs to go through her own process, and she may never will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 19, 2023 Share Posted July 19, 2023 On 7/17/2023 at 4:00 AM, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: Literally asking for a friend.. I'm not married, in a serious relationship, but not married. My friend however has been married since 2015 but usually comes to the nonmarried friend for martial advice ( me) Lately, she revealed that whenever her husband has had arguments with her or fights ( so to speak) he will actually vacate their martial unit and literally disappear for days. I didn't know that this happens ( until she recently told me) but she is at her wits end with this as she sometimes hasn't heard from her husband for days. When he comes back and has " cooled off" he expects dinner to be on the table and life to resume back to normal. I told her the next time he does that, say nothing, but have all his things packed in a suitcase and send them to his mothers house as he clearly hasn't finished growing up yet. She says she is so weakened by this behaviour she herself feels passive in her responses. This to me is abuse. However, she doesn't seem to want to leave, when I suggest she leaves, she makes excuses. I don't want to push her either which way either, but she wants me to listen to it. I'm not sure what to do. I care about her, but if I don't suggest anything and just " listen" I feel I'm taking it on, and if I do suggest she gets defensive. I feel I don't know what to do and how to help her Suggestions? Thanks team I’m not choosing sides snd I don’t know the details but this could be abuse on both sides. people leave to cool often often in relationships. do it where one is out fir multiple days is unusual. they need to get into counseling and figure ehy this is happening and how to solve it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 21, 2023 Share Posted July 21, 2023 (edited) On 7/17/2023 at 3:00 AM, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I feel I don't know what to do and how to help her You could suggest that she find a counsellor. But, until she is ready to make a different decision, there is not much else you can do than be her friend and encourage her to seek help from a trained professional. If it becomes too hard for you to be witness to this, then you will need to distance yourself. I’m with you though… I would change the locks so that when he returns home, he would find himself unable to do so… If for no other reason than to make a point. The lawyers could deal with the division of assets. Edited July 21, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted July 25, 2023 Share Posted July 25, 2023 Tell her straight NOT to come to you for advice about her husband anymore because she doesn't listen. Therefore, you CANNOT help her. If she wants to keep being emotionally abused by him then that's on her. It's not your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted July 25, 2023 Share Posted July 25, 2023 People gave you a range of different opinions. If that was my friend, I'd be seriously worried. First of all, it's not ok you're the only one knowing what's going on at home. If anything happens to her, everyone will wonder why you kept your mouth shut all along. People shouldn't be told about abuse and go on with their days. Talk to your friend and tell her you'd love to take her to a lawyer just to understand what she can/should do in such situations. Offer to accompany her, I doubt she'd do that by herself. You make clear it's just to do what's best and in her best interest, and not about separation/divorce. A lawyer will give her a reality check on her situation. If they have shared accounts, it'd be best to just separate them ASAP. But just don't mention it, a lawyer will be taken into greater consideration. Not because she doesn't value your opinion, but lawyers have a lot of experience and they know about similar cases and situations and can give her a range of scenarios. And that's what could make her think she needs to do something rather than being passive and ruin her life. I wouldn't try counselling. The husband is demanding and he doesn't sound the type willing to take counselling sessions. That might enrage him even further and worsen the situation. If he leaves it's because he's unable to contain his rage and he might be worried that by staying something could go wrong (like hitting her). What's surprising here is that he's missing for days and she's not looking for him. Guess if anything happened to him during one of his long absences from home. She'd be the first suspect. So the best you can do is being there for her and guiding her to knowing her rights and obligations. And to prevent bad events. Link to post Share on other sites
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