Black Cement Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 Last night I went on a first date with a girl I met online. We had dinner at a fancy restaurant, got to know each other & I thought everything went well. I usually get a follow-up text right after from girls after a date, but not from her. I sent her a good morning text, also asking if she wanted to go out again. She told me she wasn't interested because she didn't feel the connection. I told her doesn't the connection happen over time? That's why we date, spend time, and get to know each other. I told her first dates are awkward and there's so much pressure, that I feel like I can't be myself. She understood but still doesn't want to give me another chance. Dating is starting to feel like a waste of time lately. Does she have a point? Maybe there's something wrong with me, whatever women want, I don't got it. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 Sorry this happened. Try not to take it personally. Unfortunately dinner may be too much of an investment for a first meet. Unfortunately there are meal collectors out there. So make sure there's chemistry during a brief very casual first meet. If that goes well, save dinner for the second date once mutual attraction, interest and chemistry is sensed 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 Don't push it, she's not interested. If first dates make you feel pressured and uncomfortable maybe you should work on that, because it would come across in the way you behave and communicate and might appear that you lack confidence, and confidence is what attracts women. They're just first dates, just a casual meeting, they don't become important unless a relationship develops. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 There may have been no attraction. Be it appearance, personality, or a combination of both. It's easier and safer than being blunt and saying "I don't find you attractive". Others believe if there is no chemistry or spark it's not meant to be, rather than giving it time to develop. Most likely, you just weren't her type. She was upfront about her disinterest. It seems you didn't enjoy her response, which is fine, as long as you own it. People aren't all the same, and she was able to figure out that you weren't compatible based on lack of chemistry when you met. It's not about you doing anything wrong, it's about you not being a good fit. You had a good time and parted ways... you don't have to show up differently than the way you did before. You want someone who’s drawn to whoever you are as a person. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 She probably knew enough about guys she may have Dated, What would actually be her "Type." The chemistry may not have been there for her to go on a 😉second date. Move on and keep trying to find the Right One, hun. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 59 minutes ago, Black Cement said: I told her doesn't the connection happen over time? That's why we date, spend time, and get to know each other. I told her first dates are awkward and there's so much pressure, that I feel like I can't be myself. Unfortunately, you did yourself no favours by disagreeing with her decision to not see you again. If she had any doubts at all, telling her that her personal choice was wrong would have been the final nail in the coffin. While you are right that a connection can build over time, there needs to be enough interest from both sides to see each other again. If the connection was 75% good, she may well have given it another chance to see where it goes. But if she felt nothing and was happy for the date to end, then it would be foolish to expect another date. Have you ever gone on a date with a woman and really not wanted to see her again? Surely you have. And I bet you didn't give them another chance. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Black Cement Posted July 17, 2023 Author Share Posted July 17, 2023 I should let you know that she's very religious and goes to church every Sunday, I don't. I'm into sports and a Democrat. She's not. Maybe these are red flags to her. She kept on bringing up my Ex's and how long I've been single. Maybe I should just let this go, she seems very picky & judgmental. Next time would a small coffee date be more practical?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 18 minutes ago, Black Cement said: . Maybe I should just let this go, she seems very picky & judgmental. Next time would a small coffee date be more practical?? Definitely a coffee date next time. You dodged a bullet. You're not compatible at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 Coffee isn't going to change the outcome. It just saves you the added expense. Assuming she isn't just trying to be picky or judgmental, asking about your exes, how long you've been single I think was her way of looking for potential red flags, checking to see if you're compatible with her. I recommend steering away from discussing your Exes or your singlehood and focusing on finding common ground. Whether you do a coffee date or something else, your priority should be finding someone who is compatible with you and respects your life choices. It sounds like this date wasn't a great match for you based on the fact that you have very different beliefs. A small coffee date may be more practical for a first date, since it doesn't require a lot of time or money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2023 Share Posted July 17, 2023 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Black Cement said: I should let you know that she's very religious and goes to church every Sunday, I don't. I'm into sports and a Democrat. She's not. Maybe these are red flags to her. She kept on bringing up my Ex's and how long I've been single. Maybe I should just let this go, she seems very picky & judgmental. Next time would a small coffee date be more practical?? You have no choice but to let it go - she's already made that decision From your update, you say that she's picky and judgmental, her conversation didn't vibe with you and you have no commonalities. Why on earth would you have wanted to meet her again? Sounds to me like she was very sensible in pulling the plug on this. Definitely do coffee for first dates in future. If you don't like them much, you've only wasted $5 and half an hour of your life. If you do like them and get on really well, the date may well likely continue to another venue. Or you'll both want to set up a proper date in the near future. Edited July 17, 2023 by basil67 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 Just because one doesn't like you or "feel it" means that this particular one wasn't right for you. Know how many stupid OLDs we have all been on (on this forum and otherwise)? There were times that the guy literally walked away from me once we left the meeting place, or had the courtesy to shake my hand and say "good luck" and walked away. A half hour later I was grocery shopping and repeating to myself "forget him", and by the time I got home I had forgotten his first name and erased the number from my phone. It's what it is. This is not a blow to your self esteem, it's what it is : an encounter, ships that pass in the night. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 4 hours ago, Black Cement said: Last night I went on a first date with a girl I met online. We had dinner at a fancy restaurant, got to know each other & I thought everything went well. I usually get a follow-up text right after from girls after a date, but not from her. I sent her a good morning text, also asking if she wanted to go out again. She told me she wasn't interested because she didn't feel the connection. I told her doesn't the connection happen over time? That's why we date, spend time, and get to know each other. I told her first dates are awkward and there's so much pressure, that I feel like I can't be myself. She understood but still doesn't want to give me another chance. Dating is starting to feel like a waste of time lately. Does she have a point? Maybe there's something wrong with me, whatever women want, I don't got it. My advice to anyone…. if on the first meet there wasn’t any obvious red flags or safety concerns you should at least meet again and see how it goes. in traditional dating you might have st least had some familiarity from a first meet when you ask of the date. with some thrn tend to be quick to judge either quick to find faul5 or be iefbin sone sort of irrational instant attraction. the fact is most successful relationships today likely would not have occurred in the online world 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 3 hours ago, Black Cement said: I should let you know that she's very religious and goes to church every Sunday, I don't. I'm into sports and a Democrat. She's not. Maybe these are red flags to her. She kept on bringing up my Ex's and how long I've been single. Maybe I should just let this go, she seems very picky & judgmental. Next time would a small coffee date be more practical?? those are things you should try to screen before you even meet by reading a profile or asking a few questions. Things like politucs snd religion tend to be clear deal breakers today. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: in traditional dating you might have st least had some familiarity from a first meet when you ask of the date. with some thrn tend to be quick to judge either quick to find faul5 or be iefbin sone sort of irrational instant attraction. the fact is most successful relationships today likely would not have occurred in the online world All of this is correct. But there's more to it. Back in the old days when we'd meet someone through friends, it was likely at a pub or social event of some kind. We'd form a quick connection with someone and end up on a date. But there were others at the event who we weren't attracted to or where conversation was like pulling teeth, so you'd quickly move on and find someone else to talk with and a date never happened. Being able to decide on whether or not to give them a chance even before a date happened saved us a lot of time and effort Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 5 hours ago, Black Cement said: She told me she wasn't interested because she didn't feel the connection. I told her doesn't the connection happen over time? That's why we date, spend time, and get to know each other. I told her first dates are awkward and there's so much pressure, that I feel like I can't be myself. She understood but still doesn't want to give me another chance. Oh my goodness. When someone tells you they didn't feel the connection after a date, don't ever argue with them or plead your case. It just comes off as desperate. Keep your dignity intact, just say "Ok" and leave them alone. You can't "convince" someone to be interested in you when they've already told you they're not. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Black Cement Posted July 18, 2023 Author Share Posted July 18, 2023 This has happened 3 times in the past few years, besides the short relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I feel like it's just me, everyone tells me to just move on but I fear I'm just not good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 Hold on, if you go out on a lot of dates, a good percentage will not work out. A good percentage of people--I'm going to say 50 percent, maybe higher--probably won't want to meet with you. Depends on whether you are asking out people who are likely to be compatible with you. You have the wrong. You need to go out with like 10 women and maybe you'll feel connected to 2, but maybe not 2. You may have to go out on 20 dates to find someone you connect with or more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 Cheer up buttercup. That's more the ego talking then you actually liking this woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 7 hours ago, Black Cement said: She told me she wasn't interested because she didn't feel the connection. I told her doesn't the connection happen over time? No, no, no. When someone says "thanks, but no thanks" the worst thing you can do is argue it. Respect that she knows herself well enough to recognize that she isn't interested, and keep moving. Arguing back is a an even bigger turn-off. 5 hours ago, Black Cement said: Maybe I should just let this go What other option is there? She's already made the choice for you. 5 hours ago, Black Cement said: I should let you know that she's very religious and goes to church every Sunday, I don't. I'm into sports and a Democrat. She's not Did you know this before the date? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 2 hours ago, Black Cement said: This has happened 3 times in the past few years, besides the short relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I feel like it's just me, everyone tells me to just move on but I fear I'm just not good enough. Assuming you have had quite a few dates in this period of time, that's not a bad result at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Black Cement Posted July 18, 2023 Author Share Posted July 18, 2023 I have no problem getting women on dates tbh, I just didn't think it would be this hard to find something lasting. I really don't like the idea of dating multiple women in a short period of time, but I guess that what I have to do to find what I'm looking for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 (edited) 10 hours ago, Black Cement said: This has happened 3 times in the past few years, Surely this is to be expected, especially if you are dating people whom you've never met IRL before? I'd guess the possibility of a relationship forming out of that would be something like 10%, if not lower. Edited July 18, 2023 by Els 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 11 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: if on the first meet there wasn’t any obvious red flags or safety concerns you should at least meet again and see how it goes. If you already know for sure that you aren't attracted to them, what's the point of meeting again? You'd only be wasting their time, and yours. If you want to do online dating, then you just have to accept that the vast majority of first meets will go nowhere. If you don't like that (and I can understand that), then just stick to asking people IRL out on dates. You can't have your cake and eat it too. OLD will give you more options, sure, but it will inherently also have a lower success rate, because you are "dating" a person whom you've never met. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 10 hours ago, Black Cement said: This has happened 3 times in the past few years, besides the short relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I feel like it's just me, everyone tells me to just move on but I fear I'm just not good enough. awww sorry to hear that you are feeling like this.IMO, that is something you need to work on separately/alone so that you feel great about yourself while on the date. If you don't feel like you are "enough" that will bleed over into your results with people. One might even guess that you took a first date (from online) to a fancy restaurant because you don't feel like you as just you are enough---so you try to do other things that will UP your attractiveness quotient (or that you believe will such as a fancy restaurant for a first date or trying to obtain a gf who isn't right for you). I don't think it's the venue that is or isn't the answer. Like a coffee date could be just as bad for other reasons though you won't spend as much money. I think what you need to do is find out how to be more interesting/interested/engaging/flirty in the right way on these dates. Bring more of your personality to the surface. I'm afraid what your date did as far as feeling she didn't feel a connection after one date is more common than not--so you need to figure out how to quickly make a good impression. Meeting women through friends and activities or out in the wild lol could help you bridge that "does she like me/do we have a connection" gap that occurs when you are meeting people from online. I do also think you should multi-date a bit more...meaning talk/text to a handful of women at a time. I don't mean that after 2-3 dates with each one that you continue doing that but if meeting your gf is a priority and you are primarily using online dating, it's a numbers game. Like you have to look it at on how much time did it take you to get to the point of being on that date? 2-4 weeks? some swiping, some initial messaging, perhaps a phone or video call and then scheduling it? Unless you are condensing this into a period of 2-4 days, you are going to waste a lot of your own time only to discover either she doesn't feel a connection, or you don't or both...or the potential relationship breaks down for other reasons. Best case scenario on the time line you are going, you meet what like 12 women a year? If they come from online they are virtually "unqualified" dates---meaning chemistry could be way off. It's a gamble, a crap shoot. If they come from in person, an activity or through an extended friend network, the chemistry/connection is already there. Even from out in the wild, a girl who is asked is only agreeing to go because she already likes something about you...All of these scenarios are much better odds/risk of working out. So if you are relying much more on OLD only then you need to speed up the process and efficiency. Good luck and yeah I think you need to work on why you don't feel like enough. Just working on those feelings and beliefs, usually improves them. But yeah it's important....Otherwise a common scenario might be that someone likes you but just not quite enough to keep it going. So your best chance of getting your best match is to figure out how to feel great about yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2023 Share Posted July 18, 2023 (edited) Coffee meet up or whatever you both agree on is where you start. Don't spend anymore that 10 bucks. Keep it to 30 to 45 mins. Sit and talk, that's it, keep it simple. Edited July 18, 2023 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
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