She doesn't feel the connection.

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Black Cement said:

This has happened 3 times in the past few years, besides the short relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I feel like it's just me, everyone tells me to just move on but I fear I'm just not good enough.

This has happened 3 times in the last few years?  That is not even a lot!  That is pretty much normal in dating.  You need to learn that if you are putting yourself out there in the dating pool, it will happen quite often that you meet people and they are not into you.  You have to get used to it, that's just the way it works.  And then every once in a while you meet someone who you hit it off with.

[Ami1uwant]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

All of this is correct.  But there's more to it. 

Back in the old days when we'd meet someone through friends, it was likely at a pub or social event of some kind.  We'd form a quick connection with someone and end up on a date.   But there were others at the event who we weren't attracted to or where conversation was like pulling teeth, so you'd quickly move on and find someone else to talk with and a date never happened.   

Being able to decide on whether or not to give them a chance even before a date happened saved us a lot of time and effort

 

Yes…but

 

say that day you didn’t have a good connection….you might talk to your friend about this person and find out more info and possibly meet term again and have a better experience. Who knows one might have had a bad day. Second chances occured

 

from my personal experience many of the women I dated pre internet  didn’t come from a first meet thing. Instead it was from gradually getting to know them like meeting this person at this friends social group over the course of 4 months.

 

that’s why I always say if first date wasn’t bad at least do another meet up. Thrn people are likely more relaxed and might be themselves instead of a nervous wreck

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Els said:

If you already know for sure that you aren't attracted to them, what's the point of meeting again? You'd only be wasting their time, and yours.

If you want to do online dating, then you just have to accept that the vast majority of first meets will go nowhere. If you don't like that (and I can understand that), then just stick to asking people IRL out on dates. You can't have your cake and eat it too. OLD will give you more options, sure, but it will inherently also have a lower success rate, because you are "dating" a person whom you've never met.

But I find attraction comes over time. Not from first meet. Many would agree with this. Stop with the love at first site bs.

 

I think a vast majority of first meets go nowhere because of the mindset of thr participant like thinking of fantasy love at first site, or seeing the grass is greener, etc. there are many of these that if they didn’t have the online options of I have 300+ matches I could try, they likely have a second meeting and maybe be something….not necessarily marriage. But at least something.  Many are passing over 85%+ matches.

 

15-20years ago OLD had better success percentages because most coming into the platform were serious searchers who wanted a relationship. Thry asked better screening questions and they got after the first meet up.  Today you get many who aren’t serious about it looking fir hookups, not serious dating, or they are using it to try and get peop,e thry woukd not get in normal life like finding wealthy peop,e or higher class people.  Your path tends to get you lower educated people in real life but online coukd get you higher education/ higher income dates.

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

16 hours ago, Black Cement said:

This has happened 3 times in the past few years, besides the short relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I feel like it's just me, everyone tells me to just move on but I fear I'm just not good enough.

This is honestly just how online dating works. One and done is the rule. Actual matches are the exception. There’s nothing wrong with you.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

But I find attraction comes over time. Not from first meet. Many would agree with this. Stop with the love at first site bs.

I think a vast majority of first meets go nowhere because of the mindset of thr participant like thinking of fantasy love at first site, or seeing the grass is greener, etc. there are many of these that if they didn’t have the online options of I have 300+ matches I could try, they likely have a second meeting and maybe be something….not necessarily marriage. But at least something.  Many are passing over 85%+ matches.

You can't seriously believe that "love at first sight" and "knowing on first meet that it would never work" are the same thing?

Attraction can take time, sure. But that requires some sort of a baseline to start with - it grows from 50 to a 100, but not from literally 0 to a 100. Don't tell me you've never met a woman and known 10 minutes in that it will NEVER happen? Anyone who knows themselves and is honest with themselves must surely have met people that were out of the question as partners from Day 1. If you have literally never encountered such a situation for yourself, you're either desperate or you haven't really done much introspection into what you want in your partner.

If this woman thought that "maybe" it could grow into something more, she would probably have tried for a second date. She's not going to date him again because she already knows 100% that it's not going to work.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Els

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Yes…but

say that day you didn’t have a good connection….you might talk to your friend about this person and find out more info and possibly meet term again and have a better experience. Who knows one might have had a bad day. Second chances occured

from my personal experience many of the women I dated pre internet  didn’t come from a first meet thing. Instead it was from gradually getting to know them like meeting this person at this friends social group over the course of 4 months.

that’s why I always say if first date wasn’t bad at least do another meet up. Thrn people are likely more relaxed and might be themselves instead of a nervous wreck

My experiences don't reflect this at all.  It appears that different people did things different ways.   

Also, please don't confuse my words with "love at first sight"   What I was looking for to progress past the initial meet was nothing more than easy and pleasant communication with some kind of connection.  It's @Els's 50 to 100.     Whereas if the initial meet was 0 or 25, I wouldn't bother further

Edited July 18, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Black Cement said:

I should let you know that she's very religious and goes to church every Sunday, I don't. I'm into sports and a Democrat. She's not. 

I agree with the idea of better screening and matching criteria. And definitely don't talk about exes, except the basic facts. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps. Mention some hobbies interests etc. 

Paid apps may offer more serious daters as well as better screening and matching tools. For example lifestyle, interests, etc.

And yes after a few messages and chitchat opt for a relaxed casual brief simple first meet. It's basically to assess in person chemistry and attraction. If you hit it off, ask her out again. If not "it was nice meeting you", then move on.

[Alpacalia]

I'm throwing out a lifeline for @Ami1uwantbecause I totally get the point about attraction building over time.

That happened twice to me.

One man I met, didn't find him attractive at all, no baseline attraction on any level. Then somehow out of somewhere, boom, it lit up like a house on fire. Another, I found a man physically attractive (but that is very different than being attracted to him). After another couple of dates, hit me like a thunderbolt. I had a strong emotional and intellectual connection with him.

That's when I realized how attraction can be something that grows over time. Attraction is not always immediate but from the connection one feels with the other person. It can be an awakening of emotions and understanding where you're kind of like, where the heck did that come from?

At least, speaking as a female. It may be different for males.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm throwing out a lifeline for @Ami1uwantbecause I totally get the point about attraction building over time.

That happened twice to me.

One man I met, didn't find him attractive at all, no baseline attraction on any level. Then somehow out of somewhere, boom, it lit up like a house on fire. Another, I found a man physically attractive (but that is very different than being attracted to him). After another couple of dates, hit me like a thunderbolt. I had a strong emotional and intellectual connection with him.

That's when I realized how attraction can be something that grows over time. Attraction is not always immediate but from the connection one feels with the other person. It can be an awakening of emotions and understanding where you're kind of like, where the heck did that come from?

At least, speaking as a female. It may be different for males.

I think that what it comes down to is each of us doing what works for us, but also recognising different people have different approaches and that's OK.  And in the case of the OP, don't go telling the person who's politely said "goodbye" that they are wrong and should try harder.

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Els said:

You can't seriously believe that "love at first sight" and "knowing on first meet that it would never work" are the same thing?

Attraction can take time, sure. But that requires some sort of a baseline to start with - it grows from 50 to a 100, but not from literally 0 to a 100. Don't tell me you've never met a woman and known 10 minutes in that it will NEVER happen? Anyone who knows themselves and is honest with themselves must surely have met people that were out of the question as partners from Day 1. If you have literally never encountered such a situation for yourself, you're either desperate or you haven't really done much introspection into what you want in your partner.

If this woman thought that "maybe" it could grow into something more, she would probably have tried for a second date. She's not going to date him again because she already knows 100% that it's not going to work.

I’m talking from the perspective of many users of onlinedating sites.  Espciallybthose eho started doing it in the last 20 or so years.

 

they  have very unrealistic expectations of fantasy world bs reality. I know it’s not all…but it’s a big percentage.

 

you see it in economics snd how choices are made.  Msny many research projects have shown how people have problems deciding when they perceive too many options to choose from.  Online dating creates a similar platform.  Thrn because they have so many options they raise the bar to unrealistic levels.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm throwing out a lifeline for @Ami1uwantbecause I totally get the point about attraction building over time.

That happened twice to me.

One man I met, didn't find him attractive at all, no baseline attraction on any level. Then somehow out of somewhere, boom, it lit up like a house on fire. Another, I found a man physically attractive (but that is very different than being attracted to him). After another couple of dates, hit me like a thunderbolt. I had a strong emotional and intellectual connection with him.

That's when I realized how attraction can be something that grows over time. Attraction is not always immediate but from the connection one feels with the other person. It can be an awakening of emotions and understanding where you're kind of like, where the heck did that come from?

At least, speaking as a female. It may be different for males.

this is my personal experience.  I could look at a female and say that woman is very attractive based purely on image alone.  This alone doesn’t drive me.  I need to get to know the person.  There are some traits in looks I’m attracted to more than others. Evrn so, communication matters.

 

in college I’m met many this way like in classes or places I hung out, or where I worked.  I might put myself a little aloof at first meeting …especially when it was not a date. I know I had opportunities to possible try to date someone that I wasn’t paying attention to the signs at the time….but never see them again.

 

that first meeting connection has been very rare. I’ve had good first dates from online whirr I liked her and wanted to learn more about her, and there were further dates. I’ve also had times where I got to know someone snd thry more attractive overtime in interactions that were not there when I first met her.  
 

But a strong first meeting has only happened a few times. About the same as random first meetings in real life where we seemed to click..not all these led to dates. The last one was at work where I had gone to a large multi- department meeting.  The meeting ended and some topic got a conversation started we me and this woman. The conversation just flowed.  I’ve have had conversations like this all the time where it was topic driven but it then ended and that was it  This one was very different.  Is he was engaged to get married at the time. We are good friends now and even she acknowledges that if she wasn’t involved with someone that something might have happened between us if she wasn’t engaged.

 

online dating has helped me a lot in getting dates because it has bern hard for me to meet people over a period of time.

[Sony12]

Yep saying you don't feel the connection or chemistry is just a common line people give when they don't want to see you again. It can mean lots of different things.

I made out with a lady for about an hour on the first date and then the next day she goes 'I didn't feel the chemistry'.

 

Ok maybe she was just really horny or she makes a habit of having heavy makeout sessions with guys she doesn't have chemistry with. World only knows, lol.

 

 

[Bue-aidez]

People are different and feel differently about dating. While some need to feel some instant connection on the first date, others like you would prefer to have it over time. It's completely normal. Also, other girls have texted you back, which means that there's something definitely RIGHT with you😁 don't let what one person said bring you down. 

Keep at it👌🏾 don't give up on love✨ you'll surely find the person for you

[Alpacalia]

Yes, don't take it to heart.

I think it's fair to say that dating is basically a chemistry experiment that thinks it's an interview for a job.

Even when you connect intellectually and emotionally, there's just something missing. I would say that 9 times out of 10 the person is not even aware what it is. It's a subconscious thing that we have. I've never really been able to put my finger on what it truly is. I'm not sure why. Spiritual connection?

With most people, you can have a good conversation. You can connect with just about anyone.

There is something about having that *certain* connection where you feel as if you're like, "ohhhh!" as much as you feel as if you're being understood, rather than being the one who does all the work and understands yourself and points out how you function on the same wavelength as the other person. It is both charming and wonderful at the same time.

Have you ever wondered if you can really have a deep connection with someone who has never experienced the same struggles as you in order to get to where they are today? After all, if you had to endure hardship and toil every day to get to where you are today, but the other person has had it relatively easy throughout their life, would it be possible to connect on a meaningful level?

In the case of somebody that I am looking at as a potential partner, there’s an elusive “something” that you either have or you don’t. I’ve only ever felt it seldomly. Which sucks. I don't want you to let this get you down, but be positive about it. Keep trying, keep putting yourself out there, and you’ll eventually find it. Bippity Bop.

[Els]

8 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I’m talking from the perspective of many users of onlinedating sites.  Espciallybthose eho started doing it in the last 20 or so years.

they  have very unrealistic expectations of fantasy world bs reality. I know it’s not all…but it’s a big percentage.

you see it in economics snd how choices are made.  Msny many research projects have shown how people have problems deciding when they perceive too many options to choose from.  Online dating creates a similar platform.  Thrn because they have so many options they raise the bar to unrealistic levels.

It's incredibly condescending to assume that the woman who didn't want to see the OP again did so because she has "very unrealistic expectations". We have no idea what her reason was... and more importantly, it doesn't matter. When someone tells you they don't want to see you again, the worst thing you can do is try to argue with them. Like, even if she didn't see a red flag in him before, she sure as hell does now.

Quote

But a strong first meeting has only happened a few times.

Nobody, literally nobody here is saying that holding out for a "strong first meeting" is a great idea. A person having an "instant no" reaction to someone does not mean that they need an "instant yes" reaction in order to proceed to a second date. It just means that they need it to NOT be an "instant no" reaction... and unfortunately this person in particular is an "instant no". There is a lot of room between the two ends of the spectrum.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Els

[Alvi]

 

On 7/17/2023 at 3:31 PM, Black Cement said:

I told her doesn't the connection happen over time? That's why we date, spend time, and get to know each other. I told her first dates are awkward and there's so much pressure, that I feel like I can't be myself. She understood but still doesn't want to give me another chance.

You don't have to answer this on here but at least think about it. If, let's say, you meet a woman and you don't find her either physically or mentally appealing (or both) would you still ask her out on a second date? What if she is too shy and didn't leave a good impression because of that? Would you give her another chance or would you simply go to the next one? What if you don't think that you and a woman have anything in common and are not looking for the same thing? What if you see any red flags in a woman, would you still want to meet her again? It could be anything but how much chance do you give women if you just don't feel it. Do you still see them again and again in hopes that something might come out of it? How much would you care about how she feels about you if you didn't find her attractive on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sure, a connection happens over time but only if both people want to take it further. 

On 7/17/2023 at 3:31 PM, Black Cement said:

We had dinner at a fancy restaurant,

Next time meet for a cup of coffee at a local coffeeshop. That way you don't spend a lot of time and energy on something that might not be.

[mtnbiker3000]

I agree with the other posters. A quick and inexpensive first meeting n a public place is best. Dinner is out of the question for a first date, unless it is agreed to be Dutch (which creates a whole other set of assumptions and questions).

Seems to me that OLD is kind of setting single people up for failure. The whole concept is premised on coming from a position of grasping and attachment of the possibility (fantasy) of a relationship with someone we don't know at all, based on a few pictures and a short profile. You sort pictures and profiles and pick what you think you would like the best. And they do the same. Reminds my of my old Netflix movie cue. Everything I might be interested in is ranked from first to last and constantly in flux and being updated. There is no patience in getting to know people. It all seems so temporary and throw-away from the get go to me.

[Versacehottie]

Idk, it seems silly to debate how things "should" be...when you cannot control how the other person will be making their judgements and decisions. Much more logical to deal with how things ARE.

Would it be nice if people were not quick to judge? Sure but it's a fallacy to act like that won't be happening when a high percentage of people will do exactly that. 

I think, as others were saying, you have to meet a threshold of interest in order for the other person to want to continue to the second date and so on. 

How you do that is to try to control what you can control.  Which is yourself. Work on making the best first impression  that you can--that isn't by being fawning or overcompensating, but presenting yourself as your best self. Doing a good first date. 

I don't think any venue will matter if you can't get this part together. Tendency toward being boring and sedate, then a coffee shop date will only reinforce that image/impression. Falsely rely heavily on a fancy restaurant and don't bring a great personality and some good flirtation, still going to fail. You don't really get a second chance to make a first impression. People usually make that within a few minutes. In fact, for OLD, the impression already exists when you go on the date--you are either affirming it or fighting the uphill battle to change an impression that already exists...and that you are unaware of what it is. All of that is influenced by what you put in your profile, your photos, your prior conversations, choice of venue as well as even the other person's personal and separate biases about people in general or dating for them at this point. See what a tightrope of variables there are to control or worry about? That is why you should bank on YOURSELF and realize that you sort of need to work quickly on getting a good impression across. You likely won't get "time" to do that. Despite any hopes or wishes that the world was different. 

If you go out on a handful of successful dates with the same person, then yes of course, you probably do have a chance for a falling in love type thing. But you have to get your foot in the door metaphorically first. 

Edited July 19, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Idk, it seems silly to debate how things "should" be...when you cannot control how the other person will be making their judgements and decisions. Much more logical to deal with how things ARE.

Would it be nice if people were not quick to judge? Sure but it's a fallacy to act like that won't be happening when a high percentage of people will do exactly that. 

I think, as others were saying, you have to meet a threshold of interest in order for the other person to want to continue to the second date and so on. 

How you do that is to try to control what you can control.  Which is yourself. Work on making the best first impression  that you can--that isn't by being fawning or overcompensating, but presenting yourself as your best self. Doing a good first date. 

I don't think any venue will matter if you can't get this part together. Tendency toward being boring and sedate, then a coffee shop date will only reinforce that image/impression. Falsely rely heavily on a fancy restaurant and don't bring a great personality and some good flirtation, still going to fail. You don't really get a second chance to make a first impression. People usually make that within a few minutes. In fact, for OLD, the impression already exists when you go on the date--you are either affirming it or fighting the uphill battle to change an impression that already exists...and that you are unaware of what it is. All of that is influenced by what you put in your profile, your photos, your prior conversations, choice of venue as well as even the other person's personal and separate biases about people in general or dating for them at this point. See what a tightrope of variables there are to control or worry about? That is why you should bank on YOURSELF and realize that you sort of need to work quickly on getting a good impression across. You likely won't get "time" to do that. Despite any hopes or wishes that the world was different. 

If you go out on a handful of successful dates with the same person, then yes of course, you probably do have a chance for a falling in love type thing. But you have to get your foot in the door metaphorically first. 

I agree there are a lot of variables….but on the venue what I’ve learned….

 

1. decide on a place she is comfortable being at

2. if you have talked a lot before your first meet, you really need to do something that draws out conversation like a museum or farmers market, or festival where there are things around you to talk about.  If the conversation dies, then this is going nowhere.

 

[mark clemson]

On 7/17/2023 at 2:31 PM, Black Cement said:

Dating is starting to feel like a waste of time lately. Does she have a point? Maybe there's something wrong with me, whatever women want, I don't got it.

 

When it comes to online dating, even just reasonably attractive women tend to get inundated and sometimes go into "shopping mode". So it may be that. That said, when a woman tells you she's not feeling a connection, there's little point in chasing. She's politely saying no. Let her go instead of wasting your time.

Attractiveness and confidence (even just the appearance of confidence) can get your foot in the door with many women. However, for many, you typically also have to back it up with decent social and conversation skills. If you can do that, things tend to be easy.

What do you want? Probably, if you had your rathers, you want an awesome woman. So turn that camera around - what does she want? Often (not always) if she can get one, she wants an awesome man. Think about what can make a guy awesome - there are many things - you can be an awesome athlete, be super smart, be very talented in some way (e.g. musicians), have an awesome job, have an awesome lifestyle world/traveler, etc, etc.

Of course there aren't enough super-duper dudes to go around, so women (like men) typically end up compromising. Even just being a bit brawny and having a solid place in society is enough for some women - look how many go for cops and firefighters.

Making yourself as attractive as possible should help a lot. Trust me women will feel a lot more "connection" if you look great, unless your social skills are poor.

If you want to understand a bit more about how women (speaking generally) tick, you could consider reading the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts. Specifically the chapters on female attraction, as it's a long read. Women are a bit complicated relative to men, so if you can understand and apply what's in there, it could help a lot towards upping your game.

Edited July 20, 2023 by mark clemson

[Versacehottie]

16 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I agree there are a lot of variables….but on the venue what I’ve learned….

 

1. decide on a place she is comfortable being at

2. if you have talked a lot before your first meet, you really need to do something that draws out conversation like a museum or farmers market, or festival where there are things around you to talk about.  If the conversation dies, then this is going nowhere.

 

I agree with your first point wholeheartedly. People, however, can be comfortable at a fancy restaurant as well as a coffee shop. Me, personally, I wouldn't find myself any more comfortable at a coffee place than any other place. That place feels formal, stiff, uptight and idk pretty routine and uninspired as well as all the other customers would be knowing exactly what was going on and in close proximity--sucks the life right out of things potentially. Feels like an errand rather than the excitement of a date. Call it a first meet or whatever but there needs to be some "excitement" there.

Second point is fine but I don't know that I would draw the same conclusions from it or use it as a rule as you seem to be. I think if a person and their date have talked a lot prior to the first meeting, basically they've either used messaging, text or phone to do so--so you're are basically using the most removed form of communication vs in person to go over lots of subjects. Probably better to save the "excitement" of those things coming out to "in person"...otherwise it will be lackluster/a let down. I do agree with your idea that a more active date like a museum or farmer's market is just better in general. That said, if the person is engaging and interested, it really doesn't matter where you are. It takes two to do that. The whole thing--even if two people are pretty good at those skills--is super fragile in the beginning stages. 

So yeah, I don't totally disagree but wouldn't at all draw the same conclusions from the information you noted. If anything, that proves that people are different and that going into it, our OP won't know what type of person he's dealing with and what will sway her. He can try to guesstimate but still no control over that variable--the best thing he can do is work on his personality/ability to make a good first impression. For the record, I've been in places for a first date that were amazing for the right reasons and a good choice but the wrong person for me (even when they were nice, fine). And I've been in places, that I would consider a dumb venue for a first date but despite that with the right person, it was of no consequence.  Meaning the OP can choose the place slightly better but it won't be the ultimate decider on his success with whatever woman IMO.  It has some minor influence but not the be all end all to a successful date. 

[Ami1uwant]

35 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I agree with your first point wholeheartedly. People, however, can be comfortable at a fancy restaurant as well as a coffee shop. Me, personally, I wouldn't find myself any more comfortable at a coffee place than any other place. That place feels formal, stiff, uptight and idk pretty routine and uninspired as well as all the other customers would be knowing exactly what was going on and in close proximity--sucks the life right out of things potentially. Feels like an errand rather than the excitement of a date. Call it a first meet or whatever but there needs to be some "excitement" there.

Second point is fine but I don't know that I would draw the same conclusions from it or use it as a rule as you seem to be. I think if a person and their date have talked a lot prior to the first meeting, basically they've either used messaging, text or phone to do so--so you're are basically using the most removed form of communication vs in person to go over lots of subjects. Probably better to save the "excitement" of those things coming out to "in person"...otherwise it will be lackluster/a let down. I do agree with your idea that a more active date like a museum or farmer's market is just better in general. That said, if the person is engaging and interested, it really doesn't matter where you are. It takes two to do that. The whole thing--even if two people are pretty good at those skills--is super fragile in the beginning stages. 

So yeah, I don't totally disagree but wouldn't at all draw the same conclusions from the information you noted. If anything, that proves that people are different and that going into it, our OP won't know what type of person he's dealing with and what will sway her. He can try to guesstimate but still no control over that variable--the best thing he can do is work on his personality/ability to make a good first impression. For the record, I've been in places for a first date that were amazing for the right reasons and a good choice but the wrong person for me (even when they were nice, fine). And I've been in places, that I would consider a dumb venue for a first date but despite that with the right person, it was of no consequence.  Meaning the OP can choose the place slightly better but it won't be the ultimate decider on his success with whatever woman IMO.  It has some minor influence but not the be all end all to a successful date. 

I don’t do this now but I realized this early on in online dating that if you talked quite a bit before the date because you both seemed interested. Then you go out yo lunch/ dinner which is all conversation based it’s like verbally/ talking you are on date 5+ but physically date 1. If you put space between the calls and the date thrn you have time for stuff to talk about like things in your week.  This is very true in long fistsnce relationships where you would have been talking a lot more before you decide to meet.

[Alpacalia]

On 7/19/2023 at 5:55 PM, Ami1uwant said:

I agree there are a lot of variables….but on the venue what I’ve learned….

 

1. decide on a place she is comfortable being at

2. if you have talked a lot before your first meet, you really need to do something that draws out conversation like a museum or farmers market, or festival where there are things around you to talk about.  If the conversation dies, then this is going nowhere.

 

Not that I have been on a lot of first dates (though I've had my share) but only one has been a coffee date. It certainly seems like the "first date coffee thing" has become an online protocol. I never heard of it prior to reading about it on these boards. When I was talking to my father about it, he mentioned that when he was dating after my parents divorced a few years later and he was online dating, coffee dates were an effective way to quickly get to know someone before deciding to commit to a dinner date.

It's certainly a sensible strategy I couldn't help but find amusing. I can think of my father, sitting over a cup of coffee, trying to decide if a woman was worth spending a good deal of money on a dinner for. It certainly seemed like an efficient use of his time if it worked out. The coffee date experience for me was nothing remarkable, but it certainly set the tone of the conversation going on afterwards and served as an opportunity to get to know my date better.

[Alpacalia]

On 7/18/2023 at 6:34 PM, Ami1uwant said:

this is my personal experience.  I could look at a female and say that woman is very attractive based purely on image alone.  This alone doesn’t drive me.  I need to get to know the person.  There are some traits in looks I’m attracted to more than others. Evrn so, communication matters.

 

in college I’m met many this way like in classes or places I hung out, or where I worked.  I might put myself a little aloof at first meeting …especially when it was not a date. I know I had opportunities to possible try to date someone that I wasn’t paying attention to the signs at the time….but never see them again.

 

that first meeting connection has been very rare. I’ve had good first dates from online whirr I liked her and wanted to learn more about her, and there were further dates. I’ve also had times where I got to know someone snd thry more attractive overtime in interactions that were not there when I first met her.  
 

But a strong first meeting has only happened a few times. About the same as random first meetings in real life where we seemed to click..not all these led to dates. The last one was at work where I had gone to a large multi- department meeting.  The meeting ended and some topic got a conversation started we me and this woman. The conversation just flowed.  I’ve have had conversations like this all the time where it was topic driven but it then ended and that was it  This one was very different.  Is he was engaged to get married at the time. We are good friends now and even she acknowledges that if she wasn’t involved with someone that something might have happened between us if she wasn’t engaged.

 

online dating has helped me a lot in getting dates because it has bern hard for me to meet people over a period of time.

I can definitely relate to mostly having been in back-to-back relationships with periods of being single in between. I've been asked out on dates before but I tended to prefer to get to know someone better before committing to a first date. Most of the times I've gone on first dates, I didn't feel a strong enough connection to move the relationship forward, but there have been cases where I wasn't completely sold on someone at the start, but things ended up working out. 

I think that the whole not feeling a connection right away is totally normal and understandable though. Sometimes it takes me a bit of time to really understand what I feel for someone, so I can understand why it would take someone else just as much time, if not longer. Other times, I can tell fairly quickly that it's not a match. 

If your getting dates then he should just use that as an opportunity to connect with someone and see if there is a potential for a relationship. It doesn't have to be a stressful process and if things don't work out then at least there was time spent getting to know someone new and learning more about themselves. Not be discouraged if it takes some time for the right connection. 

The most important thing @Black Cementcan take away from this is that connections happen, whether it's right away or over some time.

He's got no trouble getting dates and that should be seen as an advantage as it allows him to take a chance and see what works out.

Edited July 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

It's ok if someone doesn't feel a connection on a date.

But it seems to offend you for some reason.

Just take is as a learning experience.

You can't win them all.