Bridesmaid or not?

[amkxoxo]

I'm hoping for some opinions. 

My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I accepted. This was years ago. She then plans a very extravagant destination wedding. I tell her right away that I won't be able to attend and that it's too far and too expensive for me. 

She understands and isn't bothered that I cannot go. In my mind, I'm no longer a bridesmaid. I'm not going to the wedding. This was a year ago. So she's known for a year that I cannot go to the wedding. 

Now she's having a bridal shower and bachelorette party, and her sister/Maid of Honor is hitting me up to help with cooking, baking, and setting up these events, since I'm a bridesmaid. She is fully aware that I won't be going to the wedding. 

I feel kind of weird about this. I'm not a bridesmaid. Well apparently,  the bride still wants me to be a bridesmaid to help and do all the bridesmaid things, even though I'm not going to the wedding. 

I feel uncomfortable,  so I back out of helping. I show up at the bridal shower at the party time just as a guest. I could tell they were mad I didn't come beforehand to help. And now have even reached out asking why I didn't come early, questioning me after the fact. 

Am I wrong for thinking the way I am? I've never heard of bridesmaids that aren't going to the wedding. I brought a nice gift to her shower and felt I was a guest/friend of the bride. 

Now they are being awkward and weird towards me. 

[stillafool]

Did you tell them that because you weren't going to the wedding you didn't feel it was required to participate in the Shower plans?  I would just tell them that if questioned.  Why didn't you?

[amkxoxo]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you tell them that because you weren't going to the wedding you didn't feel it was required to participate in the Shower plans?  I would just tell them that if questioned.  Why didn't you?

I think because I backed out a year ago, that I never thought it was needed to say it. So I was shocked when they started asking me to help. I backed out of helping. But they kept asking me to come early and to do this and that. I just ignored them. They seemed to have a lot of help and organization. So I didn't think it was necessary for me to help. 

One of the other girls said to me how the maid of honor just wanted to spend time together to build comradery. 

Why? I'm not going to the wedding and the sister isnt my friend. I probably won't see her again after these events. 

 

[ShyViolet]

It's unclear what your relationship is to this "friend" who is getting married.  Is it a close friend?  You talk about all this with a sort of coldness and I'm getting the feeling that it's not a close friend.  

If it was truly a close friend, I would think that you would want to get to the shower early and help set up and wouldn't mind.  But you are certainly not obligated and you shouldn't if you don't want to.

[MsJayne]

You told her you couldn't make the wedding, why does she still expect you to do bridesmaid duties?  Maybe you could have gone early and helped a little, but by this time she should have replaced you with someone who can afford to pander to her extravagance and they should have been helping.  I think that people who have destination weddings should foot the bill for fares and accommodation of everyone attending, otherwise they've got a nerve expecting everyone to fork out. Good friend of mine was unable to attend his daughter's destination wedding, (not the cost, he's unable to travel by plane due to illness), so he couldn't give her away. The fact that she didn't really care that her own father couldn't attend, impressing people with ridiculous extravagance was more important, tells me that's a marriage destined for disaster. I suspect your friend's also has a strong whiff of pretentiousness about it. 

[basil67]

That you were initially a bridesmaid indicates that you are a dear friend of the bride and that she is important to you.  So why would you object to joining her other dear friends in helping out?   It would have been a lovely gesture on your part.    

Further, instead of talking through the issue or offering to take more limited duties, you simply ignored the maid of honor.  

I'm not suprised that it's weird and awkward now.   

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

That you were initially a bridesmaid indicates that you are a dear friend of the bride and that she is important to you.  So why would you object to joining her other dear friends in helping out?  

I was thinking the opposite; the fact that she didn't want to do these things indicates that this is not a dear friend, and this friend is not very important to her.  

Which, by the way, I'm not saying is a bad thing!  If the OP doesn't consider this friend very important to her then she shouldn't do anything she doesn't truly want to do.  Just honor your own boundaries and say no.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I was thinking the opposite; the fact that she didn't want to do these things indicates that this is not a dear friend, and this friend is not very important to her.  

Which, by the way, I'm not saying is a bad thing!  If the OP doesn't consider this friend very important to her then she shouldn't do anything she doesn't truly want to do.  Just honor your own boundaries and say no.

I wondered about that too, but erred on the side of people generally choosing their nearest and dearest to be in the wedding party.

@amkxoxo  Is the bride an important person in your life?   And do you think you're an important person to her?

Edited July 19, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

I would have helped regardless. You're close friends right? I don't think you need an official title of "bridesmaid" to help celebrate your friend's upcoming special day.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Els]

I actually really dislike the expectation that the bridesmaids should be basically on call for free labour - we're not even just talking about organizing/planning a bridal shower, we're talking about doing all the catering and baking for it as well. There's a big difference between someone volunteering to cook/bake because they like cooking/baking, and just expecting that someone will do it without consulting them ahead of time. Imagine if grooms expected that of their groomsmen, what do you think those guys would do? I guarantee you that they'd tell the groom to &*@ right off, and they'd still be friends.

When I got married, the only expectation I had of my bridesmaids was that they show up for the rehearsal and the wedding. Literally that was it. I'm not their employer, I'm not going to tell them to spend a whole additional day before the wedding cooking and setting stuff up just so I can have an extra event centered around myself without paying a caterer. I expect the same of anyone whose wedding I participate in. If we don't see eye to eye on that, then I'll be declining whatever role they're asking for, although I'll be happy to come as a guest if they want me to.

TL;DR: I think you did completely fine and if they are mad at you because of that, perhaps you need new and different friends.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Els

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Perhaps they feel that being you showed up as this Guest at the bridal Shower P😑arty, Why could you not help in the wedding as a Bridesmaid?  I probably would have sent a Gift for the happy occasion.  Nothing more.  And a Polite note.  People are strange these days about things like this. 

Edited July 19, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[JTSW]

Regardless of whether or not you couldn't be a bridesmaid anymore, they are still your friends.

It still would've been nice for you to help out seeing as you were still considered to be part of the bridal party.

[glows]

I just attended a bridal shower and am certainly not a bridesMAID. Nothing maidenly here. I did offer to help but they had it under control and plenty of help. OP, I suspect she just wanted you there as a friend and this has nothing to do with not making it for the wedding.

I do think it’s strange she’s messaging you or if anyone else is messaging you after the fact asking why you didn’t help. They likely sense that you’re upset about something. Just let it go and be there for her as a friend. Are you feeling resentful about the destination wedding or not being able to make it?

[Weezy1973]

On 7/18/2023 at 9:56 AM, amkxoxo said:

She understands and isn't bothered that I cannot go. In my mind, I'm no longer a bridesmaid. I'm not going to the wedding.

This, I think is where the misunderstanding comes from. You believed because you couldn’t go to the wedding, you were no longer a bridesmaid. And  she apparently believed that you were still a bridesmaid, but just not going to the wedding. It wasn’t explicitly said by either of you that you were no longer a bridesmaid, so you went on with separate beliefs about this.

I would say, because she’s a friend, and you wanted to be her bridesmaid when you accepted, why didn’t you want to help when asked? That’s the part I’m not getting. If she’s a genuine friend you might have said “You’re my friend, I can’t go to the wedding, but let me know if there’s anything I can do to help out in the meantime.” 
 

It’s also possible you both aren’t on the same page as to your friendship. She might see you as a good friend while you just see her more as an acquaintance. And the hurt / anger they’re feeling has less to do with you not helping, and more to do with the realization that you don’t care too much about the friendship.

[stillafool]

I think this was a misunderstanding that could have been cleared up if you had just told the bride's sister you are no longer a bridesmaid.  Still, if it's a friend one might want to chip in and help where needed.  Especially since you've been spared the expense and trouble of going to their destination wedding.