Does this guy actually want friendship?

[Layla-noir56]

Hey!

I’m looking to get an outside opinion on this and so any insight would be so helpful. 
 

I moved to a new city recently and went out for a coffee with someone I met on Tinder. We hit it off and messaged a lot before the date. When we met in person, although we have lots in common and he seemed very keen, smiling at me a lot and saying about half way through the date how much he wanted to see me again, he then messaged a few days later saying that he only got a friend vibe from our date. I was relieved, as I felt that too. We agreed to be friends and go to art exhibitions and concerts etc together. 

We kept in sporadic contact but he has ADHD and other past trauma, which I have tried ( I think) very hard to be empathetic and understanding about. 
He then invited himself to something I had a spare ticket for. I was happy to go as a friend. We hung out before the show and we were getting on really well. He suddenly said, ‘I know what would happen with this situation. We’d start dating, then we’d have sex and you would end up resenting me’. 
This was a shock to me as I thought we’d gone past all that and decided to be friends.

After that, again we message off and on but we are both doing other things with our lives.

Then..I went on a road trip to see some friends in another town and had a spare ticket for a concert again…I offered it openly to any of my friends.

He accepted , traveled a fair distance to the town I was staying in, we went to the show and had a great time. We both started to open up to each other about having hurt in the past.

He didn’t have any way of getting home that night and I was staying in a hotel, I offered for him to stay in the room, because we were platonic friends, so fair enough. 
He made some suggestive comments during the evening ( or maybe I read them as suggestive). I was really careful though to stay over my side of the bed when we slept. Then he suddenly said, I don’t find you attractive you know…he said that about five times and I asked me if I was offended. He said, if something was going to happen, it would have happened already and that it would never be a sexual thing. I agreed and said I felt platonically for him too. He then shared about how he’d been cheated on in every relationship and I shared some stuff about a situation-ship I’d been in recently that was still painful.

After the trip he messaged me and said I keep making moves on him and it makes him uncomfortable as he wants to keep things platonic.

I really don’t know what to think, as I literally led there agreeing with him that I didn’t see him like that either.

I don’t know whether to try and salvage any friendship with this person. I know  he has ADHD and so sees the world a little differently but it’s just bizarre! 

Edited July 19, 2023 by Layla-noir56
Typo

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Layla-noir56 said:

 I keep making moves on him and it makes him uncomfortable as he wants to keep things platonic.

Unfortunately if you are looking for a relationship/BF this is not the right man. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Dating apps are for dating, not friends. Use quality apps to avoid timewasters and weirdos.

Free yourself from this nebulous frustrating situation so you can meet interested men who want what you want.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

He sounds as though he is a bit mixed up with his feelings.  No, ADHD won't make him act that way.  However, He could have other mental problems.  I would stay Clear of him.  Just think if you would sleep with him.  He would blame you on any problems in bed or for wanting more in than just this.  Relationship wise.  I do think that any relationship he has been in or tried to be I😐n, Others have had their fair share of problems.

[stillafool]

This guy isn't interested in being your friend.  Most men are not looking for platonic women friends.  I would stop all contact with him if I were you because this isn't going anywhere.  He thinks you are pretending to want a friendship and then after going out and having sex it will morp into a relationship.  He wants you to know that isn't going to happen.

[basil67]

I have no idea what he wants....but it does appear that he believes he's getting romantic/sexy vibes from you.   If I were you, I'd run with the comment he made about feeling uncomfortable.  I'd tell him that you're sorry he's feeling uncomfortable and you feel that it was a mistake to try and be friends.    Then unfriend him from all your socials.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is like a bad movie with characters who don't know what they want and can't speak their minds and whose conversations make no sense.

I would walk out of this movie before the half-way point. 

Both of you are immature. Don't let a guy stay overnight in a hotel with you if you're not involved. That's horrible thinking. 

Why didn't you open your mouth and say, "Hey, I gave you the offer of tickets to be nice. I don't want to date you. So you don't have to keep telling me you don't want to date me romantically."

Or do you want to date him? You said you got friend vibes from him. He said the same. I can't tell if you're saying that you felt an overall friendship energy to the date or if you were saying you only see him as a friend. Same with his wording. Both of you were deliberately vague. 

Are you speaking? Cat got your tongue. Tell him what you are thinking and feeling! What ARE you thinking and feeling? 

[Layla-noir56]

18 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Both of you are immature. Don't let a guy stay overnight in a hotel with you if you're not involved. That's horrible thinking. 

Why didn't you open your mouth and say, "Hey, I gave you the offer of tickets to be nice. I don't want to date you. So you don't have to keep telling me you don't want to date me romantically."

 

Thanks for your time to reply. I did say that to him, when I received his, ‘ you keep making moves on me’ message. He then said he needed time to cool off.

I would like to try and have a civil conversation but I also don’t see the point. I assumed for both of us there was no romantic spark and so that’s why I let him stay. I would have done the same for any of my platonic friends. Clearly, he’s thinking I did it to make a move but I can only assume that’s because he doesn’t know me well. 
 

[Layla-noir56]

23 hours ago, basil67 said:

I have no idea what he wants....but it does appear that he believes he's getting romantic/sexy vibes from you.   If I were you, I'd run with the comment he made about feeling uncomfortable.  I'd tell him that you're sorry he's feeling uncomfortable and you feel that it was a mistake to try and be friends.    Then unfriend him from all your socials.

Thanks for your reply. I really have come around to that way of thinking. I did want to at least put my point across but who would want to be friends with someone who made them uncomfortable? I think I’m going to leave him to it. 

[Layla-noir56]

23 hours ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

He sounds as though he is a bit mixed up with his feelings.  No, ADHD won't make him act that way.  However, He could have other mental problems.  I would stay Clear of him.  Just think if you would sleep with him.  He would blame you on any problems in bed or for wanting more in than just this.  Relationship wise.  I do think that any relationship he has been in or tried to be I😐n, Others have had their fair share of problems.

Thank you. I think that’s a very sensible way of thinking. While I empathise will his mental health issues, I worry what getting involved any deeper could mean. I really only saw / see him as someone I saw very sporadically, I didn’t think there was anything deeper to it. It’s all a bit odd but not something I want in my life. 

[Lotsgoingon]

So I think now you know that the answer to this confusion is to leave him alone--and that includes not offering him any tickets.

Just to be blunt: we cannot easily be friends with people who first meet on a date. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. You have to be careful. It often takes time and that friendship has to be clearly negotiated, which takes a lot of maturity. 

His conclusion that you are making moves on him is more than he doesn't know you. Your interpretation here is wrong. Just flat-out wrong. Almost all the time we don't know or barely know people who are making moves or not making moves. He just sounds confused within himself and that he lacks key social skills. He can't read other people. Someone makes a move--it's not indirect or vague. You're underestimating how socially inept, perhaps troubled, this guy is. You don't want to do that in dating and in meeting people. 

So this guy has problems. Leave him alone. Unfortunately he can't receive any gifts or good thoughts from you without confusing himself--and confusing you. 

[ShyViolet]

It was a mistake for you to invite him to stay in your hotel room and sleep in your bed with you.  Maybe he interpreted that as you trying to make moves or express interest in him.

You really should just stop being friends with this guy.  There is way too much weirdness between the two of you.

[Alpacalia]

I feel for his past trauma but that comment ‘I know what would happen with this situation. We’d start dating, then we’d have sex and you would end up resenting me’ screams insecurity and past experiences when it comes to relationships. I think he is worried about his own ability to form and sustain something and he is sending out a warning of sorts.

I don't think he is trying to be hurtful. But, I would heed his warnings and take a step back because he has already revealed his concerns about sustaining a relationship, without work that can be done on his own mental blocks.

Edited July 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

On 7/20/2023 at 10:55 PM, Layla-noir56 said:

when I received his, ‘ you keep making moves on me’ message.

What moves does he think you keep making?

He sounds rather unstable to me. 

You'll be better off staying away from him.

[glows]

Sounds more like he was projecting. Maybe he gets horny or finds you attractive but is too afraid of rejection or is severely insecure. He made suggestive comments or what sounded like it to you and kept insisting things were platonic. It only seems like he was trying to soothe or convince himself he feels nothing.

No, I wouldn’t try keeping in contact with this person. He seems too insecure and dishonest. 

[Layla-noir56]

On 7/25/2023 at 11:38 AM, JTSW said:

What moves does he think you keep making?

He sounds rather unstable to me. 

You'll be better off staying away from him.

Goodness knows?! I honestly thought I was just being nice to him and gentle, when he said how he’d been treated in past relationships. It’s a shame but I fully agree with you, I can’t be friends with someone like that. 

[Layla-noir56]

On 7/21/2023 at 4:01 AM, ShyViolet said:

It was a mistake for you to invite him to stay in your hotel room and sleep in your bed with you.  Maybe he interpreted that as you trying to make moves or express interest in him.

You really should just stop being friends with this guy.  There is way too much weirdness between the two of you.

I know that now but at the time, as I thought we’d decided to be friends then it didn’t matter. Yeah, we haven’t spoken and I’m just leaving it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, best to let this go. It's not worth being friends. 

He sounds...strange. I hope you didn't divulge too much about your personal life with him. 

[Layla-noir56]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, best to let this go. It's not worth being friends. 

He sounds...strange. I hope you didn't divulge too much about your personal life with him. 

No, I didn’t. I’ve been stalked in the past by someone I talked to on a dating app and so I’m very careful about what I tell people until I’m sure they are Ok. 

[Layla-noir56]

On 7/21/2023 at 2:09 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

So I think now you know that the answer to this confusion is to leave him alone--and that includes not offering him any tickets.

Just to be blunt: we cannot easily be friends with people who first meet on a date. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. You have to be careful. It often takes time and that friendship has to be clearly negotiated, which takes a lot of maturity. 

His conclusion that you are making moves on him is more than he doesn't know you. Your interpretation here is wrong. Just flat-out wrong. Almost all the time we don't know or barely know people who are making moves or not making moves. He just sounds confused within himself and that he lacks key social skills. He can't read other people. Someone makes a move--it's not indirect or vague. You're underestimating how socially inept, perhaps troubled, this guy is. You don't want to do that in dating and in meeting people. 

So this guy has problems. Leave him alone. Unfortunately he can't receive any gifts or good thoughts from you without confusing himself--and confusing you. 

I think you’re right, whatever problems he has, I need to be mindful that he interprets actions or gestures differently…I won’t be doing anything for him again and would be worried about what he might accuse me of! 
I have empathy for his issues but these replies and time after the situation has taught me that staying away is best. Thank you.