Red flag or just communicating feelings?

[Kassieee]

If someone you are seeing tells you that you put so much care into your siblings that they feel you don't care about them, is that a red flag or just  communicating how they are feeling.

If the person had said " I feel like you don't care about me", would that seem more appropriate? 

 

[Ami1uwant]

Try are wanting attention.  They could be very selfish 

[basil67]

Honestly, I think your reaction is the bigger red flag.   

He's told you what the problem is and how it makes him feel - and it was a perfectly reasonable statement.  But instead of thoughtfully looking at the actual problem he expressed, you're getting caught up in analysing the words he used.

Anyway, how you respond to his comment depends on whether or not you are able/willing to make more time for him.

[Kassieee]

48 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Try are wanting attention.  They could be very selfish 

Jealousy even

[basil67]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

Jealousy even

Or he simply values spending time with you

[Lotsgoingon]

I mean I would change the wording the person used.

I would say something like, "hey, you seem really close to your family. Are you sure you have time for a relationship with me?"

Or if I were that person, and I felt you prioritized time with your family over time with me, I might just dump you. I have gotten involved with people who had clingy families. I have no appreciation for people who seem to be fitting me in around time with their family. Now if mom and dad are ailing and my partner is providing caretaking, yeah, I would get why they are prioritizing family. 

So your partner brought up an important point. Do you in fact prioritize your family over him? Do you fit time with him around time with your family?

 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Or if I were that person, and I felt you prioritized time with your family over time with me, I might just dump you. I have gotten involved with people who had clingy families. I have no appreciation for people who seem to be fitting me in around time with their family. Now if mom and dad are ailing and my partner is providing caretaking, yeah, I would get why they are prioritizing family. 

Yep.  I'd also do the same if they were a workaholic or gym junkie.  

That said, as a carer myself, I understand that some caring duties can't be avoided.  And I also understand that if I was single, the caring demands on me would make sustaining a relationship very difficult.   I wouldn't call it a red flag though, because I'm the first to acknowledge that I wouldn't have the time to do all the nice things with a date.

Edited July 20, 2023 by basil67

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I mean I would change the wording the person used.

I would say something like, "hey, you seem really close to your family. Are you sure you have time for a relationship with me?"

Or if I were that person, and I felt you prioritized time with your family over time with me, I might just dump you. I have gotten involved with people who had clingy families. I have no appreciation for people who seem to be fitting me in around time with their family. Now if mom and dad are ailing and my partner is providing caretaking, yeah, I would get why they are prioritizing family. 

So your partner brought up an important point. Do you in fact prioritize your family over him? Do you fit time with him around time with your family?

 

Perfect!! 

Yes, that tone and delivery is so much better!!! Fresh air.

 

[Kassieee]

.

Edited July 20, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

Depends on the context. If they are saying this to criticize your behavior, or guilt trip you, then red flag.

It's good that they are communicating how they feel, but if they are accusing you of not caring about them then it's a warning sign that they're feeling neglected and could be a sign of a larger problem. It would certainly be more appropriate if they used more constructive language and said something like "I feel like I'm not getting as much of your attention as I'd like".

If this person feels neglected or unimportant given how much effort you put into your siblings, then that is certainly a legitimate concern. It sounds like they may be owning how they felt rather than making accusations or assumptions.

It's up to you to gauge if their intentions are valid or manipulative since you're the one seeing and interacting with them.

Edited July 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

@justaskingokI want to comment on his tone.  While I agree that he could have worded it better, he could also have worded it a whole lot worse.   For starters, he told you what the problem is and how he feels about it rather than attacking you.  This is a GOOD thing.  He could have said "you're so selfish...you never think about my needs"  But he didn't.

I too, am one of those who is familiar with using constructive language, but this is a learned skill and not something which everyone has the knowledge of.  I dare say that a lot of people don't know this kind of language. 

We see people writing about what they've said here all the time and the language they use is likely to inflame rather than solve a problem.  But that doesn't mean that they intended to inflame...it just means that they haven't yet learned the right words.  Now, I know these words because I'm interested in conversation and communication.  And I also know them because I'm old.  I'd hate for the words of someone who's 20 to be compared to the knowledge I have as woman in her mid 50's.  He simply doesn't have the life experience or maturity and that's not his fault.

And even then, I know some women and men who are my age or older who still have no knowledge of how to effectively communicate!

 

Edited July 20, 2023 by basil67

[Bue-aidez]

What have prior partners said about your relationship with your siblings? What happened for your partner to say this? I'd suggest being open minded about this, it could be coming from a genuine point. 

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, Bue-aidez said:

What have prior partners said about your relationship with your siblings? What happened for your partner to say this? I'd suggest being open minded about this, it could be coming from a genuine point. 

He's not even my boyfriend. 

What happened...nothing it was just said randomly. He observed how I treat my siblings. I make them breakfast, lunch, dinner. I wash their clothes, take them to their games. 

No comments like that from exes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

He observed how I treat my siblings. I make them breakfast, lunch, dinner. I wash their clothes, take them to their games. 

How old are you, and how old are your siblings? 

Are your parents not around? 

[Alpacalia]

Are you offended by this comment? I'm wondering if this comment is being perceived in a way it was never intended to be.

It depends on the context of the comment and the person's overall attitude. 

Where is this coming from for you? Do you think you're a bit overly sensitive, or is there something else motivating you to interpret this comment as a red flag?

Edited July 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

He's not even my boyfriend. 

What happened...nothing it was just said randomly. He observed how I treat my siblings. I make them breakfast, lunch, dinner. I wash their clothes, take them to their games. 

No comments like that from exes. 

Ugh, this is important context.  I know that you don't like giving details, but how can you expect us to be anywhere near accurate if you don't give us background?

If he's not your boyfriend, who is he to you?   What kind of connection does he want with you?

Edited July 20, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, justaskingok said:

If the person had said " I feel like you don't care about me", would that seem more appropriate?

They're both manipulative statements. "I feel you (insert accusation/guilt trip) ..."   Is making innuendos. It sounds whiney and needy. A more articulate mature person would simply say what they mean and mean what they say. Such as "we don't seem to spend much time together". 

[Kassieee]

54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How old are you, and how old are your siblings? 

Are your parents not around? 

 

I just enjoy doing things for them.

I don't want them to feel neglected. I want them to feel someone cares about them.I want to show them support. I want to encourage them.

I enjoy cheering them on.

I want them to know I hear them, that their feelings matter.

I want them to feel safe enough to tell me things. 

it's my worst nightmare them feeling bad or lonely in any way. 

But that's a whole new topic...

 

Edited July 20, 2023 by justaskingok

[Stret]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

 

I just enjoy doing things for them.

I don't want them to feel neglected. I want them to feel someone cares about them.I want to show them support. I want to encourage them.

I enjoy cheering them on.

I want them to know I hear them, that their feelings matter.

I want them to feel safe enough to tell me things. 

it's my worst nightmare them feeling bad or lonely in any way. 

But that's a whole new topic...

 

Again, all of this is out of context and you are avoiding some important questions. No indication of your or siblings' age, of where the parents are, etc. And you didn't even say who is he to you either. 
I think you are exaggerating and for the following reason: he seems to be right. You can hang on hair-splitting the precise wording he used to portray him as the one with the issue, but essentially, he didn't say anything that is not true and he did not attack you or insult you. You spend all your time in the day, every day, serving your siblings. As far as relationship with siblings goes, this is very unhealthy that you wash after them, cook 3 times a day, etc. If they are not very young children and parentless, it is not healthy - I wouldn't want to be with someone like you either as, again, depending on precise circumstances, this could be indication of high level of co-dependency on your part. In either case, it is clear that you don't have time to have a normal relationship as you will always be on call and in service, 24/7. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How old are you, and how old are your siblings? 

Are your parents not around? 

And what are the answers to these questions? 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I find it a Red Flag if it is said in the beginning of a new relationship.  And if it is being said some of the times In this Relationship, They are feeling they need more attention in just being selfish.  Or being silly or needy.  Set them straight.  Unless other Red Flags in what they say or how they be😑have.

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I find it a Red Flag if it is said in the beginning of a new relationship.  And if it is being said some of the times In this Relationship, They are feeling they need more attention in just being selfish.  Or being silly or needy.  Set them straight.  Unless other Red Flags in what they say or how they be😑have.

Maybe. But I'm glad he is reconizing his place. He also said he doesn't like my nails, I brushed it off as him just having an opinion, but was it necessary. Especially seeing i was happy to get them done. Mood killer. I can be sensitive though.

There's this other guy I've been knowing since elementary school who knows my situation and gets it. He asks about them, 😌. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

Again, all of this is out of context and you are avoiding some important questions. No indication of your or siblings' age, of where the parents are, etc. And you didn't even say who is he to you either. 
I think you are exaggerating and for the following reason: he seems to be right. You can hang on hair-splitting the precise wording he used to portray him as the one with the issue, but essentially, he didn't say anything that is not true and he did not attack you or insult you. You spend all your time in the day, every day, serving your siblings. As far as relationship with siblings goes, this is very unhealthy that you wash after them, cook 3 times a day, etc. If they are not very young children and parentless, it is not healthy - I wouldn't want to be with someone like you either as, again, depending on precise circumstances, this could be indication of high level of co-dependency on your part. In either case, it is clear that you don't have time to have a normal relationship as you will always be on call and in service, 24/7. 
 

Agree.

It may seem like you're attempting to withhold information by not responding to important questions and only giving us small parts. 

I understand it can be difficult to reveal personal information but if you want us to provide advice that is best suited for you, it's important to give us more information to work with.

If you don't feel comfortable sharing then at the very least you could let us know that you're not ready to disclose this information at this time to let others know that this is how you are feeling. That way, you can still avoid an in-depth conversation while still respecting us and engaging with us a bit.

Without knowing your circumstances it’s hard to provide any meaningful advice, but it seems like the guy has a point and that self-care and investing more equally into your relationships may be beneficial.

[Lisa]

Thread closed due to lack of active collaboration by the OP