Raven9595 Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 I really need your help, It has been 10yrs since Stephanie and I broke up and my heart still longs for her. I have since married a wonderful woman I feel very guilty but cannot help it. I beleive that Stephanie has married as well, so the whole thing is hopless which adds to my dismay. I cannot beleive that if I still care for after all these years that my feelings cannot be infatuaton or wanting what I can't have (obsession). Please help, any advice is appreciated - how do I cope? get over? HELP Link to post Share on other sites
chocolate_boy Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 How long were you with Stefani and why did you two break? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raven9595 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Share Posted November 8, 2005 We were together for 3yrs - I was immature... Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 it honestly could be obssesion, even if you truly love some1...ive never herd of any1 still hurting after 10 years?..i hope its not liek that for me that would just be terrible...do you not feel in love with youer wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raven9595 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Share Posted November 8, 2005 I love my wife very much, but Stephanie was the "one" Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 how did you let her go? regrets huh:-/ that must suck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raven9595 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 She wanted time apart, and I gave it to her. Maybe I should of fought harder but I wanted her to be happy. I knew I couldn't make her stay. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Ten years?!? You definitely have a problem. Have you thought of seeking professional help of some kind? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Raven9595 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 aww, well if you lost her on your own will...maybe this is karma? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, you can either languish in your pathetic-ness, or get up and do something about it. Does your wife know about you pining for this girl? Have you considered therapy and/or couples counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Sunday Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 Have you honestly longed for this ex Love for the last 10 years, or is this a recent thing?..... it maybe because of problem in your current relationship that is making you pine for an old so called "perfect" Love from the past, its quite common when we feel down to look back to old times and wish, its the green grass theory..... if I was you I would concentrate on my wife and fix the problems there, maybe go to counceling with her. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 She wanted time apart, and I gave it to her. Maybe I should of fought harder but I wanted her to be happy. I knew I couldn't make her stay. You're right, you can't make anyone stay if they don't want to. F*ck nostalgia. It'll kill your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 Sounds to me like you're caught up in a fantasy of what could have been. This woman is probably not even thinking about you. If you're that freaked out about it, go ahead and contact her. Then when she rejects you, you can start concentrating on your marriage like you should be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Jellostick Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 I think I can relate because there's someone out there that will always have a place in my heart but I don't think about her all the time. Back in high school I started dating someone and the relationship lasted 3 and a half years. It was the longest relationship I was ever in and we were madly in love w/ each other. I don't know how long it lasted but I was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. It was painful, almost to the point where I thought I should kill myself. I started seeing a counselor and have been better. The worst though was when I was afraid to go to sleep 'cause I knew I would have dreams about her. She meant a lot to me and I feel always will. I'm 29 now and we broke up when we were both 21 but I have always told myself and my close friends that if I were able to get back w/ anyone, it would be Maggie. I'd say I've been in love about 2 or 3 times since her and that was 8 years ago and I was in love as recently as 3 weeks ago w/ my now current ex but she will always have a place in my heart. I still know where she lives but I believe she's married now 'cause the last time we spoke she was engaged but I'm not going to jeopardize any relationships I'm into 'cause of her. It's not fair to me and definitely not fair to the person I'm currently w/. I will always miss her and remember what we had but things happen for a reason but she was my first love and that holds a meaning to me but there was so much about her that seperates her from others i have been w/. I believe that the time will come when someone will take her place but in the meantime, I don't dwell on my memories of her. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 i hate that feeling of going to sleep and having dreams about them...and than waking up. Im the type of person who fantasizes,ive always been obsessed with my now ex bf who was a part of my life for 3 years, i was obsessed with him b4 i even new him.....10 years is a long time but sometime time doesnt realy heal it kind of just reminds you of what was lost. i would think that to have a wife and love some1 else( and be in love)...that all thoughts about the other person would be gone now...and its okay to think of the past we all do, but your defently pinning over something that should be long gone now, but what would i know? its only been 3 months for me. i would hate to be pinning over some1 over the next 10 years man Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 take time with a wounded hand cuz it likes to heal' Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 OUCH! ten years! go get help. mabey a therapist? the-rapist. (celebrity jeopardy) Link to post Share on other sites
Longago Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 I've been missing my ex for 15 years! We broke up because of circumstances, not because we wanted to. I was too young and he wanted to get married because he had to move with his job. I freaked and told him no. He was very hurt and didn't talk to me anymore,not even to say good-bye when he moved. He eventually got together with a woman who was after him the entire time we were dating, but he kept blowing her off then. A few years later, he married her, but not after trying to contact me again. I was so mad at him for not even saying good bye to me that told him to never contact me again and get lost. Saying no to his proposal was the biggest mistake of my life. I know it's my fault, but why wouldn't he even talk to me anymore? I wanted to take things slowly that's all. We had only been together for about 9 months. 12 years after all this and never getting over him, I finally sent him an e-mail and he was THRILLLED to hear from me! He's married with kids and so am I, but we agreed that we were both very special to each other and part of each others lives forever. He tells me that he is still very attracted to me, and that he never felt the same for his W as he did for me. We've been in constant touch by e-mail and phone for almost three years, but we live thousands of miles apart and have never been able to meet. Probably better that way, because who knows what might happen. I do love my H, but my ex was my first real love. I guess if it hasn't happened to you, you won't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Airtouch Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 I really need your help, It has been 10yrs since Stephanie and I broke up and my heart still longs for her. I have since married a wonderful woman I feel very guilty but cannot help it. I beleive that Stephanie has married as well, so the whole thing is hopless which adds to my dismay. I cannot beleive that if I still care for after all these years that my feelings cannot be infatuaton or wanting what I can't have (obsession). Please help, any advice is appreciated - how do I cope? get over? HELP Although I agree with the others that you should find a way to move on, I know you can't always help what you feel; good or bad; but you can learn to control it. You do have a family that deserves all that bottled up love. The great thing about mankind that seperates us from other warm blooded creatures is our ability to reason on a much higher level. We can learn to say no. I'm usually a firm believer in tough love, but life isn't black and white and neither is our love or emotions for others. It's really easy for me to tell you it's gonna be okay. That would be my way of "sympathizing" with you. Sympathy shouldn't be confused with empathy which would allow myself to actively imagine how you must feel due to a personal experience of my own. I recently agreed to meet up with an old flame who I haven't spoken to in 6.5 years. I'm gonna see him the week after Thanksgiving. However, I'm gay, not married, and have no commitments to any other heart but my own. I really feel for you pal. Part of you longs for something not yours anymore while you know good and well what your priorities are. At this point, you have already established two key facts: 1) You are married. 2) You highly suspect your ex is too. I don't think it is worth risking both of your current lives as you know it for the unknown. If you truly are no longer in love with your current wife, then you should address this with her first before you go off in search of another. That would only be fair. If all possible, find ways to bring back the sparks that made you fall in love with your current wife in the first place. If you could do this, every other woman will seem insignificant in comparison. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Airtouch Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 Raven: I did not mean to imply you were actively seeking an encounter with your ex. I apoligize if my above post sounded like I was accusing you of that. Link to post Share on other sites
cynicalnlove Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 Raven, I think you are confusing with infatuation and love. You love your wife and would do anything for her, but you also miss the "in love" feeling that you had with your ex. I don't think its a matter of getting back with your ex, its a matter of rekindling that feeling again. What you have with your ex is infatuation, of what could've been. I know you can't stop your feelings, but really try to find out what it is you feel. Is it her? Do you see a future with her, as oppose to your wife. Is it the feelings that you miss, the feeling of wanting someone, a forbidden desire. Really analyze you, and why you feel this way. Jellostick: You have the right mindset, It is unfair to you and the other person to keep on pondering on your ex. I never really quite understood that factor. I would be terribly hurt and really leave you because she is still very much in your mind. How could anyone compare up to her, if you just keep putting her on the pedestal. If I was your woman, I would feel that you are only seeing me because you're looking for someone to take her place. her place is the past, no one should outshined her - but someone will come along and shine in their own way. and thats something would be amazing. Its not something that should be "i've replaced her" its more like "I love you, in a more different but special way". Link to post Share on other sites
Jellostick Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 Its not something that should be "i've replaced her" its more like "I love you, in a more different but special way".Actually, that's probably what I meant but thank you for clearing it up. You'll never replace a past love 'cause they were special in their own way just like your current love is special in their own way. I think the only ones who can be replaced are the ones who treated you like crap 'cause frankly, they're not worth remembering. I believe that deep down I still have love for those I have said "I love you" to and I always will. At some point (I hope) there will be someone who comes along that I will fall in love w/ and though I'll remember my past loves, the reason why I love this current person will be different from the others and my focus will solely be on them. My ex who broke up w/ me 3 weeks ago I was in love w/ and I truly believe I was. She was awesome and I had a great time being w/ her 'cause she was so different from the girls I dated in the three years between her and the last girl I was in love w/ but I didn't think about anyone of them 'cause she was my world. I think you need to search within you and find out what seperates your wife from this girl you've been hung up on for 10 years and then focus on those things you love so much about your wife. You married her for a reason and you and your ex broke up for a reason. Everything happens for a reason but be honest w/ yourself about your wife 'cause she's w/ you now and you owe her that. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
Argentina Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 I can relate. I too have never stopped loving my ex. We split 7 years ago after a 3 year relationship. Be both wanted different things. I went on to marry and have two children. He has remained single, free-spirited. A bit of a traveller. We have mutual friends and met up briefly a year ago at a friends place. We have seen each other half a dozen or so times over the past year (as friends only), talked and resolved some old issues. My husband is aware of our friendship. This is not some romantic infatuation I have with him. My ex has a number of faults and can be a real pain in the **** to live with. For that matter, so can I probably. However, the spiritual and intellectual connection between us is very strong. I debated for ages about telling my ex that I still love him. Terrified it would destroy our friendship. In the end I told him and he said he already knew anyway. A major weight off my shoulders, I have been able to continue in my marriage and feel good about myself for being able to love my ex after all this time. I personally do not see it as a problem as it does not affect my day-to-day life with my family. To me it is a good feeling. Much better than hanging on to bitterness and regret. Are you in a position to talk to your ex. what you had with her was obviously special and nothing can ever take that away. What you have with your wife also sounds special and worth hanging on to. Interestingly, when a spouse dies we are allowed to enter into other relationships and continue to still love the deceased spouse. However, society seems to dictate that when we separate from a partner/spouse we are supposed to stop having feelings towards them and move on. Of course, sometimes that happens naturally, but sometimes it doesn't and I don't think it is a crime to continue those feelings as long as we don't let it get out of control and effect our life as it is today. I well and truly believe that it is possible to love more than one person (in different ways of course). I think the question is: what exactly is it about your ex that you can't get out of your head? what was it that you had that keeps you loving her? Link to post Share on other sites
jef11399 Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Raven, I am siding with Longago and Argentina. My ex divorced me about 10 years ago. It was quite a painful break up. Shortly after he left he wanted to be friends, but I did not want to. I couldn’t even bear to look or speak to him, because it hurt so bad (at the time) he went on to marry someone else, of course. I knew it was devastatingly over, but something significantly happened after that - I grew stronger and dealt with the loss. Now some years later I’ve realized I dealt with the divorce in a healthy way, whereas it seems he may have not (I’m not 100% sure, but who cares). They say the leaver gets over the divorce quicker than the one that was left. But, in my case I wonder. So if my ex should ever walk my way I would NOT have a problem talking with him anymore. I would say hello and be truly happy for him and wish him the very best. Hind sight...He did ME the favor. My current husband knows I sent my ex a brief email to wish him well (no hint of rekindling or romantic innuendo), because I did not want to be deceitful towards my husband. My husband was quite understanding and was more wonderful than I could’ve imagined. I truly believe that is why my fate has led me to this man. No response from my ex – and to me that says a lot. Bottom line...it's okay to think of your ex. You loved that person at some point in your life and it may never go away, however, as long as it does not become obsessive or affect your current relationship then its okay to have memories. If it does affect your current relationship or life – then do seek help. Please focus on the person who truly loves you right now. They deserve every bit of your energy like my husband deserves all my love. It all boils down to how you’ve grown since your last encounter with the ex – not what could’ve been or who can stay angry the longest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Longago – “He's married with kids and so am I, but we agreed that we were both very special to each other and part of each others lives forever.” Argentina – “However, society seems to dictate that when we separate from a partner/spouse we are supposed to stop having feelings towards them and move on. Of course, sometimes that happens naturally, but sometimes it doesn't and I don't think it is a crime to continue those feelings as long as we don't let it get out of control and effect our life as it is today.” Link to post Share on other sites
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