Married for the sake of the kids

[68_f100]

Need some tips on how to stay married for the sake of your children.  I feel like that's the only reason I'm still with my wife and I'm sure people have made this work. 

[Weezy1973]

12 minutes ago, 68_f100 said:

Need some tips on how to stay married for the sake of your children.  I feel like that's the only reason I'm still with my wife and I'm sure people have made this work. 

I think it depends. Is your marriage toxic? Would your kids lives escape chaos if you left the marriage? 
 

If staying married is actually better for the kids (stable, loving, kids are thriving etc.) then you can talk to your wife about it and come up with a plan.

[68_f100]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think it depends. Is your marriage toxic? Would your kids lives escape chaos if you left the marriage? 
 

If staying married is actually better for the kids (stable, loving, kids are thriving etc.) then you can talk to your wife about it and come up with a plan.

It's not toxic there just isn't anything I get out of it.  My wife has no desire to spend any time together or be intimate.  Over time I have gave up on trying to get her involved and now I'm just kind of here.  I'm just going through the motions of being a husband with no real effort.  I curious what others have done to make the best of their situation. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, 68_f100 said:

.  My wife has no desire to spend any time together or be intimate.  Over time I have gave up on trying to get her involved and now I'm just kind of here.  

Do either of you have your eyes on someone else?  Because "staying married for the sake of the kids", seems like a rehearsal for stepping out. When did the intimacy drop off? After the kids?

Are there other issues and conflicts about finances, household and child duties? Do you both work? Are you in a rut. You're obviously doing the "roommates"  thing and obviously both pretty checked out which of course doesn't help much.

You could try a two pronged approach. Suggest marriage therapy to start a dialogue about the discord and disconnect. Also privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information, advice and support regarding your particular situation. Do not tell your wife and never threaten divorce. Just inform yourself.

[68_f100]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do either of you have your eyes on someone else?  Because "staying married for the sake of the kids", seems like a rehearsal for stepping out. When did the intimacy drop off? After the kids?

Are there other issues and conflicts about finances, household and child duties? Do you both work? Are you in a rut. You're obviously doing the "roommates"  thing and obviously both pretty checked out which of course doesn't help much.

You could try a two pronged approach. Suggest marriage therapy to start a dialogue about the discord and disconnect. Also privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information, advice and support regarding your particular situation. Do not tell your wife and never threaten divorce. Just inform yourself.

I have no interest in anyone else.  She might I don't know.  She has done some questionable things in the past including an EA.  At this point it wouldn't bother me much if she did. 

We both work and share equally in housework and taking care of the kids.  We have tried come counseling in the past.  My wife didn't get anything from it and didn't want to continue and the suggestions I got didn't make any difference.  

As far as lawyers go Indiana is pretty cut and dry on how it works.   I've researched it on my in case it comes to that but that's not something I'm interested in.  She may have something else in mind but she seems pretty content with how things are.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not toxic there just isn't anything I get out of it.  My wife has no desire to spend any time together or be intimate.  Over time I have gave up on trying to get her involved and now I'm just kind of here.  I'm just going through the motions of being a husband with no real effort. 

Look, these issues are often very fixable, but it requires a different strategy than the one you're using now. Basically, you don't have any clue as to why your wife has shut down. That means you're lost if you have no clue. Not necessarily your fault: she hasn't told you what's going on. 

I would get to therapy and get some good coaching and insight. Your insight right now is non-existent, your wife is not robot, so there are things going on inside of her that she's not telling you. She thinks she can't tell you. She might be too embarrassed and ashamed to tell you. May have nothing to do with her unhappiness with you. But you don't have any curiosity point--you've given up. Get to a therapist--I mean for you--not couples therapy. I can guarantee you that you can find out what's going on with her and there's a reasonably high chance you guys can improve the marriage.

Now to answer your question directly, no one has a good answer to the question because it's an impossible and absurd question. How do I stay happily married when I'm miserable being married? How do I fake it? There are no answers to those questions--other than cheating and/or suffering. 

If you guys are not in active hate and hostility for each other, the chances are extremely high that you can improve the marriage--and I mean a lot! Or to put this in different language, your "first" marriage may be dead. And both of you have changed and you need a different type of marriage. Couples renegotiate marriage changes all the time--sometimes without having official conversations. But you need some new strategies: you can't just tell her that you're unhappy and want sex and all of that. 

You have to take new steps, actions, that coax her out of her shell. Very good chance she'll react over time. 

[mark clemson]

It certainly doesn't sound like much fun, but it's your life I suppose. You may look back with regret on these decisions, perhaps you already are. The suggestions above to try to improve things certainly sound worth trying.

Keep in mind that a marriage with lots of sex simply isn't a goal state for many women the way it is for many (not all) men. However, a sexless marriage can indeed be frustrating, "lonely" and very distressing for a partner of either sex who's "needs" aren't being met.

A relationship, including a marriage, boils down to a mutual decision to continue it. One aspect of this is that bad marriages can indeed endure, so long as both partners choose to remain in the marriage. The flip side is that once one partner genuinely decides they're done, the marriage is over or at best a house of cards.

So if you can't improve things and really want this to continue, I'd suggest you mostly try to make the life you have, such as it is, as tolerable as possible for your wife, and to avoid doing things that might make her strongly want to leave. That increases the likelihood your marriage will continue.

Of course, she is doing something that makes you want to leave (at least at some level) - denying you intimacy and pleasant company. (That is probably a two-way street and there are things she feels could improve too - but, you are the one posting here.) But if you are making the decision to stay, it sounds like that is not enough to bring you to end things. So, you are left with trying to ensure she continues to choose to stay in as well.

Edited July 21, 2023 by mark clemson

[Gaeta]

My ex-husband and I divorced when our daughter was 13 years old. We were worried what impact it would have on her and we were well adviced by a counsellor. See, everything you think you hide from your children, they already know. They know the love is gone, they can feel it and this is more harmful to children then divorced happy parents. 

After we divorced friends & family would ask our daughter if she'd like mom and dad to get back together and she always said no, we're happier this way.

For the sake of the kids is often an excuse for us, not for the kids. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

On 7/20/2023 at 10:05 PM, 68_f100 said:

Need some tips on how to stay married for the sake of your children.  I feel like that's the only reason I'm still with my wife and I'm sure people have made this work. 

I’m going to be blunt - I hate posts like this. I don’t think you do your kids any favours by staying in a loveless marriage “for the kids.” They know what you are doing. It’s a terrible responsibility to put on your children - they didn’t ask for it. My best friends parents married because she was an unplanned pregnancy - she knew it, I knew it, and they suffered through about 10 years of marriage before they finally decided to divorce. And when they did, I think the collective response was a sigh of relief… The charade was over. 

Your kids will be happy if their parents are happy. What are you teaching them about marriage and relationships if you sacrifice yourself and your happiness to stay in a loveless marriage? Lots of kids are raised very successfully by divorced parents - as Gaeta said above, I think they will be better adjusted if they see their parents living separate but authentic lives than staying and putting your time in when there is no love. Personally, i think that’s more damaging for everyone than divorcing.

One last thought - when my partner considered staying in his marriage “for his child,” the lawyer’s counsel was - “the longer you stay, the more you will be required to pay…” If you separate, you may be required to pay child support which will decrease as the children grow into adulthood. But, the spousal support and the division of other assets will be affected the longer you stay… Educate yourself, because the financial consequences of divorce are significant and you need to make the right decision for yourself. There is a lot of life to live after the children graduate and leave home…

Edited July 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

If you have previously done counselling but she was not invested and got no benefit, there is not much more you can do. This says a lot about her investment in the marriage and her plans for the future - there is none. You can stay or you can go - she doesn’t care. She is not invested anymore. So, you have a decision to make - continue as you have been or divorce.

In terms of advice, I would say that my partner coped by focusing heavily on his child. He was very young at the time and they two were very close - he basically ignored his wife and was very actively involved in parenting his child. But, it took an emotional toll on him. I have known other people who have become work-a-holics, they basically avoid being at home. I would say neither of these options are healthy… but, I don’t know how you stay sane otherwise. 

Edited July 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

How do you feel it benefits your children to see their parents in a dead marriage? 

[JTSW]

It's not a good idea because it will never be all plain sailing.

Kids pick up on things so easily.

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree with the others. Divorce is certainly disruptive and painful for children.

Being raised by parents who don't like each other (and you can't hide this!) is also disruptive but more over the long time, doing its damage not at one-time shock and adjustment but through being around people who don't like each other and normalizing being around people who really don't like each other. That does all kinds of damage more in the medium to long run.

You can't really hide this stuff from kids. You might be thinking that you guys are outwardly polite and so the kids are fooled. But I'm talking at the deeper level. By the time the kids are say 25--they will be fully aware of how cold your marriage was. And they will have learned how to interact with people who are cold to each other. That adaptation is what gets people in trouble in the long run. The kids can easily end up attracted to people who are cold and distant because they got used to that energy as kids. They got used to being around such people. They know how to act when around people who are cold.  And this happens outside of the intellect--without any thinking on the part of the kids.

 

 

[Bue-aidez]

On 7/21/2023 at 11:05 AM, 68_f100 said:

Need some tips on how to stay married for the sake of your children.  I feel like that's the only reason I'm still with my wife and I'm sure people have made this work. 

How old are your kids? Does your wife feel the same way about your marriage? What's your relationship like with your wife? Are you happy with other parts of your life? Sorry for the several questions, just trying to get context. 

[JTSW]

Your kids will eventually pick up on what's going on. 

You will eventually have to be honest with them when they start asking questions.

Edited July 25, 2023 by JTSW

[justwhoiam]

On 7/21/2023 at 5:28 AM, 68_f100 said:

curious what others have done to make the best of their situation. 

I have a man (also married) who's head over heels in love with me and the feelings are mutual.

That was our solution to not break up the family (my son was then 7) and not to be unhappy for the rest of our lives. We both had and still have very strong and good reasons to not mess up our family units.

[Clockwork]

My wife used to pray that her parents got a divorce when she was a young teen. They eventually did, and while she felt guilty doing this, she saw how unhappy they were, especially her mom. No doubt they stayed together longer than they should have and tried to make it work, but the point I am saying is that as a kid my wife saw through it all and felt something there. You can always tell when your parents truly love one another. Your kids probably already feel it. There has to be something deep down inside of both of you that resurrects a spark that was once there. Surely you thought you were going to be together forever on your wedding day or you wouldn't have done it. Get back to those reasons. If you are involved in a church talk to your minister about it and get some counselling. This doesn't sound like a marriage that is over by any means, just in a very long rut that neither seems to be trying to resolve. The most important person in your life is your wife. This is who is #1 and who you should love the most. Even over your kids. Because if you falter, then your kids suffer. 

[Gagirl]

I’m in one of those marriages.  It sucks!  He makes no effort except to F…. I plan and pay for trips, international travel, dates and all kinds of stuff.  I finally moved off for my career and only see him on the weekends now.  I love the freedom of doing what I want but still having full access to his wallet and benefits.  My kids are older teenagers/young adults so I don’t have to parent them anymore.  They are with me.