I (m33) have serious concerns about the fidelity of my Gf (f35)

[Throwaway10]

I'm not really used to social media and english is not my native language, so have mercy on me.
Our Relationship lasts for 13 years now and we've been through hell together, but always stood together, or at least I thought so.
For 9 years I've been the working part of our Relationship, while she had issues on finding her way, had depressions, panicattacks and ,for some time, drank pretty much. I did my best, to push her, make her work on herself again, while working often 60 hours aweek, and she sat alone at home. In 2018 she finally got the confidence to start working herself, lost much weight and brought herself into form (not that she wasnt sweet before, or fat, just a little chubby).
Because of Corona I lost my actual job in 2021, which didnt bother me much at that time, because her parents startet an own great project where I was needed alot and again I worked 60 hours aweek from spring to autumn in 2022.
Since then our situation kind of reverted. The work last year has been pretty exaustingand and with her permission, I decided to take a break, cure myself etc. An Mistake, because I got depressed myself now about the global situation, drank to much (only at evening at least) and got kinda lost in my head.
Except of some commentaries about my drinking, and serval attempts to make me do something with her, or complaints about her work, which she sometimes hated, we never had big arguments. But I have to admit, I've been pretty ignorant to her emotions at this time.
But since two years, maybe longer, it was an slow process, she hid more and more, whatever she did on her devices and since last year, when we finished the work on her parents project and I was mostly at home again, she kinda seemed like another person to me and I started to get more and more curious, asked if she was betraying me eventually, but she kept telling me, its nonesense.
Our Sexlive became over the years less, with some ups and downs, she complained about mental and physical issues on that matter and I believed her, with some frustration ofc,
but at the beginning of this year it reached its peak, when she refused, almost aggressive, to sleep with me on my birthday and not much time later, after another try of mine, to talk with her and bringing up the familymatter again, she suddenly agreed almost instant, after rejecting this matter the last 2 years, because of our financial situation.
That kinda alarmed me, and I did, what I never did before, and checked her Messages and instantly found an text of an old boyfriend in schooltime, in which he obliviously tried to make her leave me for him (I never met this guy). I confonted her immediatly and out of deep sleep instantly knew, what im talking of, told me she never replied and she got kinda overthrown to give him her number, because she wanted to eventually meet some old schoolfriends, but shortly afterwards, when he visited her at work, told him she didnt want to text with him, because of me, before he wrote her that massage.
Well, I didnt believe her and she got into panic, ran into bath and threatened to harm herself. After I managed to calm her a little, she offered to write this guy, to finally make clear, she wouldnt leave me and she would get rid of his number, which she did afterwards.
But I still coulnt believe, there wasnt anything about it and again aggressive, she told me to check her devices, if I didnt believe her and so I did. Thats the point where the real shitshow started.
I found spammails of different Dating/Affair- Sites like [ ] I confronted her, she told me its not her fault, which spammails she gets, I had my doubts. I kept searching and found other Sites of this kind in her history and again asked her directly (I know im an naive idiot, but I never doubted she would tell me the truth at this point). She told me, she only read some articles there, but secretly deleted her history on all of her devices, she said, she watched porn and was unconfitable with me, seeing this, despite I told her, im not concerned about her, watching porn. She even took secretly her tablet to work, telling me she had some time to spend this day and wanted to draw.
I googled her phonnumber and got to see portals for prostitution like [ ]but only if I dont search for the exact typing.
On googling the number of our modem (yes its with an simcard), there was shown only 1 entry [ ]  which ,I found after some research, is linked to Subreddits for Dating [ ]. After I confronted her(yes, naive) it was gone.
I'm searching for her on everything I found on her devices, but wasnt able to find her directly. She claims, she never used stuff like that; nor met, flirted or where part of any porn. I've been more than once at a point, where I wanted to quitt, which isnt easy, because as I said, we've been through damn lot together and my heart refuses to accept, that she would do this to me, but my brain keeps screaming at me: run you idiot.
But thats still not all. I heard rumors about myself, people calling me pimp before years. I never thought much about it, because im an pretty big, trained guy and not that talkative. Sometime ago someone even seemed to try, asking me about the conditions for my girl. Still, I didnt mind, because I considered him and idiot, which took the rumors to seriously, but where a little confused, because he seemed amused about the fact, I trusted my girl.
But lately ppl started to act really weird, smirking at me, while obliviously watching something on their phones, or looking at my gf, seemingly recognising her. Once there even passed some teenygirls at the busstop, whispering: [ ] 
She claims, ppl have been looking at me all the time because of my form and started looking at her, since she lost weight, but to me thats not enough.
She still claims, that she never had anything to do with any of this stuff, even after I told her, we could find a way to stay together, but id take my slice of live on my own then. She couldve left me long time ago, or leave me now, but she still refuses to let go of me and my heart refuses to let go of her, to an point where I'm thinking, I'm the bigges idiot on this planet and I wouldnt have dreamed of me, in a situation like that. I feel, like im in an mad nightmare. I got to add, that my girl never seemed like a slut, she never wears to short clothes and always has been shy on showing her body.
Only explanation could be, that her emailadress got pwned in 2020, which was used for her google account, but this doenst explain the weird attitude of the ppl in our city to me.
Well, sorry for the giant text, question at the end is: Can anybody tell me, if there is any chance, that she's telling me the truth and all of this stuff is nothing than an wild coincidence because of her, being careless when browsing?

Edited July 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed names of commercial sites

[Wiseman2]

Is it possible she's looking to see if you're on all these porn and sex sites?

[Throwaway10]

She always had full acces to my devices, so I doubt that. Also I think, she 'd told me that, because it would've been an easy explanation.

 

[BrinnM]

I’m not that tech savvy, but these are a lot of coincidences that really don’t add up. On top of that, it feels like trust is totally gone in your relationship. You’re in hardcore detective mode, and you seem unable to stop. I agree that couples counseling rarely works (as you have experienced for yourself), but maybe you could do some individual counseling for only yourself, in order to sort through your thoughts and emotions, because it seems like there’s a lot of mayhem going on in your head & heart right now that you could use some help with. 

I am wondering how big the city is in which you live, because if let’s say it’s a big metropolitan area, it’s unlikely that random people at a bus stop would recognize you or your girlfriend from some website. However, if it’s a smallish town, and somebody came across some internet profile or whatever, sure, rumors will spread quickly. And people like to talk. 

I think most people would not want to stay in a relationship if there’s no trust left. Many stay, though, because they’re afraid of change, and/or because they have kids to consider.
The problem in your case is that you’ll never know the full truth. If she did something inappropriate behind your back, or multiple things, she’ll never tell you; otherwise, she would’ve told you already, especially after all that detective work you did.
And then there’s the lack of sex, which isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships, but it certainly doesn’t make a relationship better. And it’s very rare that a lack of sexual attraction can be “cured”. I’m sure there are talented sex therapists that can help couples, but honestly, if the fire is gone, it’s usually gone. This on top of your lack of trust is a death sentence for any relationship, in my opinion.

Do you have any children together? 

[Throwaway10]

Well, I get your point, but (maybe naive again) we stood through many uncommon hardships together and I (maybe naive again) felt kind of sublime about curiosity for almost 10 years. I think u cant just decide to stop feel this bond, even with such suspicions and the hardest question to me is not, if she did this (hard enough tho), but if she would be able to keep lieng to me, even after what I found. Why should she desperately want to convince me, she'd never do things like this, if she could just leave and do it all the way.

[Throwaway10]

Sorry, I forgot the part with the children, no we dont.

 

[MsJayne]

The most concerning thing about your situation is that it seems to be colouring your entire existence, an unhealthy obsession. You feel people are smirking at you at the bus stop and talking about you, but, unless you actually live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone and their business, that's unlikely. If you do live in a small place, and you know these people who are smirking at you while looking at their devices, why not go over and politely ask them what they're looking at? But...if you live in the anonymity of a large town or city I have to assume that because you're so consumed by this fear it's having a negative effect on your perception and so you think people are laughing at you when in fact they aren't even thinking about you. As far as the dating site spam goes, Google being what it is, your girl may have once clicked on a date site icon by accident and boom, that's it, she will be forever spammed by date site advertising or, and this is a far more likely scenario, she joined at least one date site and that's why they have her email address. I think you know this, I think you know that you're being lied to, and so you've turned into Sherlock Holmes, constantly searching for proof to nail the culprit. People on date sites don't have to have a photo', or they can have private photo's that require permission to access, you can also join up and just browse them without actually making a proper profile, or you can set preferences so that only people meeting certain criteria can see your profile, so your chances of finding a profile, if she even has one, are very minimal. The clues are already there. She improved her appearance, she started getting lots of date site emails, she's been secretive, your sex life has expired. It sounds like she checked out of the relationship some time ago but stays for dubious reasons. Is she still sitting at home "alone" while you work 60 hours a week? Does she contribute to household income? Your whole relationship seems to have turned toxic and I can fully understand why you're having trouble believing her because I certainly don't.  

[Throwaway10]

We dont live in an town, but an not-that-big city, where ppl know each other. At least some bigger groups of pll.

Not the whole city behaves like this, but at some point, u start asking urself, whats going on, when situations like that wont stop, while I have no clue how this ppl could know me, or her.

At the moment, shes the working part in our relationship since end of last year, but I'm fixing this atm. Thats another point, she even asked me, to never work again, even when I said, I could never rest with that. She meant, I did enough in the past and she wanted me, to set my own goals.

I know, its like searching for the needle in the haystack, especially because, as mentioned, I've never been very active in any kind of social media and it took a little to understand the basic mechanics and how they are linked to each other. If she truly did this, she had easy play on me in the past. Meanwhile, she had plenty of time for cleanup, i guess.

Main problem for me, are the "dubios reasons", why she would fight, like I've never seen her in the past, if I only mention to part and how we could manage it clean.

[JTSW]

On 7/21/2023 at 5:05 PM, Throwaway10 said:

I heard rumors about myself, people calling me pimp before years.

 

On 7/21/2023 at 5:05 PM, Throwaway10 said:

Sometime ago someone even seemed to try, asking me about the conditions for my girl.

 

On 7/21/2023 at 5:05 PM, Throwaway10 said:

But lately ppl started to act really weird, smirking at me, while obliviously watching something on their phones, or looking at my gf, seemingly recognising her.

It's seems glaringly obvious what is going on here.

She is performing on private (cam) sites (likely for money) and people are recognising her.

Spam emails come from whatever you search up online so she obviously searched it all up.

Next time someone smirks at you while looking at their phone, ask them if they can show you what they are looking at.

She is making a complete fool of you OP.

 

[justwhoiam]

1. Talk to friends who seem to know something is going on behind your back. One of my friends has been seen out with her boss, only and always her and not other female colleagues. The boss was also around on his day off (headmaster and she a teacher) when she was working and meeting up with her during lunch or off work. He was not entering the school and waiting outside. I've been told by multiple people as they knew she was a friend of mine, but I always minded my business with the official couple (husband and wife). People see and know stuff.

2. If you can, discreetly, get into her computer and search .jpg and .jpeg and see what comes up. If you find nudes or selfies, upload them to tineye.com and search: the website will tell you if the same pics are anywhere online and where. If you find them on escort sites or else, you have your answers. If nothing comes up, the same operation might be more difficult on a phone, because pictures could be in many different folders and so it'd be too time-consuming.

She admitted to using dating apps, and tried to be defensive about it but not credible.

I once downloaded an app supposedly for friendship and dating, as I was curious to see what people were there, after reading that lots of celebs (even married) were using it publicly. Naive as I am, I felt that was an opportunity. But after I set up my profile, I realized it was mainly for dating and hooking up, so I deleted it. And anyway, I told my man right away.

Another time, I read there was a website for mature wealthy people and I got curious. As a joke, I told him, why don't we put in our two profiles and see if we get matched? But nothing came out of it.

By the way, get back on track and find a job. Both of you like drinking and (occasionally?) get drunk: that's not a good thing, it has all the ingredients for a toxic relationship.

Edited July 30, 2023 by justwhoiam

[Throwaway10]

She granted me free acces to all of her devices, but knew I had'nt  much of a clue of social media. Tho, it felt like she got nervous, because she underestimated that I've always been pretty quick at learning. She even suggested reverse image search herself, but this could 've been calculation too.

As I learned, most of this sites got mechanics for fast content destruction and DMCA protection.

Thing is, for me, our relationship turned kind of toxic out of nowhere. Before we where known as unpartable, sharing everything and (I know, many ppl would say this and I said it before) we've gone through damn much together.

For the drinking.. well, we always had our partys (mostly only the two of us) and both had their "dark" times, but usually, we have been always moderate, when it comes to alcohol. I'm a sportsman and she just didnt want to get chubby again.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/22/2023 at 5:27 AM, Throwaway10 said:

 shes the working part in our relationship since end of last year, but I'm fixing this atm. Thats another point, she even asked me, to never work again,.

This could be causing a lot of the problems and resentments. Even if she seems ok with it and you do. It may be causing a power imbalance and shift in your relationship dynamics.

Please spend your time updating your CV, LinkedIn profile, browsing and applying to jobs.

It's better than data mining through each other's devices looking for obscure "evidence" of what's really going wrong in the relationship.

Edited August 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, Throwaway10 said:

She granted me free acces to all of her devices, but knew I had'nt  much of a clue of social media. Tho, it felt like she got nervous, because she underestimated that I've always been pretty quick at learning.

She most likely cleared everything before showing you.

Probably hid her business under a file name you wouldn't thing to look in.