Break-Up and Coping with What I Did, Is this Fixable?

[bettina]

Hi there, my name is Bet and I am 20 years old. 

I was with my ex for about a month and it was my first relationship. I had spent a lot of time with him and soon after we started becoming official we went into a LDR for almost 2 weeks, and we had small arguments about me wanting to spend more time with him after our late night calls because he would fall asleep easily. It became a constant thing where he would fall asleep easily and I was getting frustrated because I wasn't sure what it meant and he inferred that I had toxic behaviours because of this and that I was unintentionally emotionally manipulating him into thinking he did something wrong, but I wasn't aware of it since I was only trying to express it. Flash forward to the end of the first 4 weeks where we are LDR, I get frustrated for a second time since he said he would talk to me after assuming that I could not take sexual jokes and that I wasn't able to understand that it was a joke but it still had hurt me since I do not take being assumed of stuff very well and he says he would call later, but doesn't call that night. I express my feelings over text and say how I feel a little hurt since I was hoping we could work through that patch of issues and talk about it since I did not want to go to sleep upset.

Then the breakup happens the following morning. It was done over text since I did not want it to happen in person and I knew it could possibly hurt me more since I was a little blindsided as to why I was being broken up with, but he says he loves me and wants me to work on myself and due to me being in an extreme place of hurt, I tell him I can't believe him and that if he loved me he would fight for our relationship, and he argues that it's because he is letting me go to work on myself that he truly loves me and is possibly putting the chances for me and him to rekindle a flame in the future, but I continue to act from a place of hurt and impulse in which I take all the blame and suffer since I feel extremely horrible since I realized my short-comings and wanted to work on them with him especially since I had cared for him so much. 

The day of the break-up is emotionally hard on me and I spend time with a friend who talks me through everything and explains to me what happened and how I went wrong, and we spend the entire day with him trying to help me out as much as he can. But the second day happens and things go crazy. I wake up to no longer being in a call with a friend and my emotions being extremely sparratic since I am alone, and I make the decision to fight for him and go to his place to talk to him as a surprise because at the time I thought it was the right thing to do, and that if I did this and made a grand gesture, that I would be able to get him back. And this is where things get worst, because my impulses are being fuelled by my emotions and I am unable to seek help and realize that I need somebody by my side especially during this hard time, I try getting into his place, and it does not work and I non-stop called him almost 40 times and sat outside his place waiting for him because I had thought I was doing the right thing, and he ends up threatening by text that he would call the cops on me if I do not leave him alone. That is the wake-up call for me to immediately stop what I was doing and that I was acting purely out of impulse with no intention to harm him. 

It has now been two days since this occurred, and for the first time in my life I have sought out professional help to work on myself as a whole and in turn hope that it can repair the relationship as well. I have also initiated the no-contact rule properly this time and have blocked him everywhere in order to protect myself from letting my tendencies get the better of me. I am living alone currently and I do not have a lot of friends who are able to support me so this time has been even more harder on me. I have also been told to do cognitive behavioural therapy and I have bought a book and committed myself to working on this to take the right necessary steps to prove to myself and to him that this was a one-time action and that I am extremely remorseful for everything that happened. There is just one thing, I am hoping to get peace of mind that what I had done is not too far gone, and that I can fix this in. the best way possible and would love some insight and advice in that whatever I am doing now with taking care of myself the best I can and placing and respecting the boundaries he initially set in place of wanting space that I am doing the right thing? Please let me know any of your thoughts and I would much appreciate it. This is extremely hard for me to share. 

Edited July 21, 2023 by bettina

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, bettina said:

It became a constant thing where he would fall asleep easily and I was getting frustrated because I wasn't sure what it meant

I don't understand this. Why would you assume it meant anything else than he was tired? 

11 hours ago, bettina said:

he said he would talk to me after assuming that I could not take sexual jokes

What was this joke?

11 hours ago, bettina said:

I tell him I can't believe him and that if he loved me he would fight for our relationship

This is all way too much, way too soon. You two were together a month. That's not enough to time to really love someone. You're still getting to know each other at that point. True love takes a lot longer than that to develop. It sounds like this all moved too fast and got far too intense. 

11 hours ago, bettina said:

I make the decision to fight for him and go to his place to talk to him as a surprise because at the time I thought it was the right thing to do, and that if I did this and made a grand gesture, that I would be able to get him back

 I know you realize now that this was a bad idea, but it's also very disrespectful of him. When someone says it's over, it's not up to you to "fight for" them. That isn't fighting for someone - that's just you not listening to him or respecting his choice to end it. Even if you don't agree with the choice, you should never bulldoze over someone's boundaries like this just because it's not what you want. 

11 hours ago, bettina said:

I try getting into his place, and it does not work and I non-stop called him almost 40 times and sat outside his place waiting for him

What do you mean you tried getting in but it didn't work? You tried opening the door, or..? 

Look, this one is over for good. It is not fixable. You need some real help in regulating your emotions, OP. People who are stable don't do things like as a "one-time action." They simply don't do them at all. A book is insufficient. It's an okay starting point, but your conduct here indicates you need a lot more than  book - I would urge you to look into professional therapy. You are lucky you didn't yourself arrested here so let this be a wake-up call that real intervention is necessary now. Don't contact your ex again. 

Get yourself to a more stable and healthy emotional place. Then consider dating again. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears you had some sort of mental break down.  I am so sorry and wish you well in your recovery.  Your anxiety and other thoughts this with this One, Hun, Got the best of you and 🤥you did a Melt Down.  Learn from a Lesson in Love that when things get Weird, Bow out graciously and let go.  This one has passed you in the Night in his Ship, However, Plenty more Fish in the Sea better for Thee.  Hugggs.

Edited July 22, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, bettina said:

   Sorry, there is a problem

This members profile is no longer active

Error code: PROFILE_INACTIVE

Your profile states this?

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, bettina said:

I try getting into his place, and it does not work and I non-stop called him almost 40 times and sat outside his place waiting for him because I had thought I was doing the right thing, and he ends up threatening by text that he would call the cops on me if I do not leave him alone.

How did you try to get into his place?  Did you try to break in and that's why he threatened to call the police?  Tell the truth, did you think he had a girl at his place and that's why you tried to break in?