Left feeling hurt by the 'bystander' approach from friends during abuse by a mutual friend

[babybrowns]

Hello all

Me inviting this man on vacation was nothing other than a friendly gesture. We met last winter via the social group and its events, designed to bring people together to make friendships.

This man and I were friends before he tried asking me out twice, to which I had gently rejected, and yet after that he still invited me and some others to his house to cook a dinner for us, which led me to feel he was ‘cool’ with us just being friends.

With him being a nice person who got along with other members of my friendship group too, I didn’t see any reason to not invite him along on the vacation, along with others in our friendship group.

This was not intended to lead anyone on but simply to continue the nature of the social organisation; to bring people together and have good times as friends.
 

[BrinnM]

Hi there, babybrowns. I remember a while ago you posted something about a guy from this exact social group that was “happily single” but allegedly had a soft spot for you. It’s gotta be that same guy, right? So: Did anything happen between the two of you that may have led to a huge misunderstanding in the past, hence the recent overreaction? Just curious. And does anybody else in this social group know about you and him trying to date? This might explain a lot.

Edited July 25, 2023 by BrinnM

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

This man and I were friends before he tried asking me out twice, to which I had gently rejected, and yet after that he still invited me and some others to his house to cook a dinner for us, which led me to feel he was ‘cool’ with us just being friends.

With him being a nice person who got along with other members of my friendship group too, I didn’t see any reason to not invite him along on the vacation, along with others in our friendship group.

Nah.  When he asked you out, more than once, and you rejected him, that changes the "friendship".  It is no longer a harmless friendship.  It's very naive to think you can continue to invite him places and there's nothing wrong with that.

Also, what do you mean "this man and I were friends before he asked me out twice".... previously you have said that you didn't know him well and only met this man 4 or 5 times total.  

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all

Me inviting this man on vacation was nothing other than a friendly gesture. We met last winter via the social group and its events, designed to bring people together to make friendships.

This man and I were friends before he tried asking me out twice, to which I had gently rejected, and yet after that he still invited me and some others to his house to cook a dinner for us, which led me to feel he was ‘cool’ with us just being friends.

With him being a nice person who got along with other members of my friendship group too, I didn’t see any reason to not invite him along on the vacation, along with others in our friendship group.

This was not intended to lead anyone on but simply to continue the nature of the social organisation; to bring people together and have good times as friends.
 

You're still not taking any responsibility and still maintaining you are innocent.

You are not.

You caused this drama by rudely being late with no explanation.

Yes, inviting a guy on vacation that has had a crush on you IS leading him on, whether is was intended or not.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 7/23/2023 at 2:27 PM, babybrowns said:

It is probably also worth mentioning that this guy has had a crush on me for a while and has been trying to get me to go out with him on dates, for which I’ve not said yes (but rather than directly rejecting him, I found excuses here and there to not go out with him as to not hurt him)

Agree with others.

It's odd that you'd invite him on this trip. What was so important that he be invited to begin with?

Clearly you've known he likes you and has asked you out and instead of being direct you've given excuses and then proceed to invite him along.

Then you opt to not communicate to go ahead to dinner without you while you get ready with your friend.

Is this a Meetup organized event and were you hoping for positive reviews or something? Just trying to understand your thought process here.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

With him being a nice person who got along with other members of my friendship group too, I didn’t see any reason to not invite him along on the vacation, along with others in our friendship group.

The reason not to invite him would have been consideration that he still may have been maintaining romantic interest in you and that you don't want to mislead him.   Honestly, it's not a difficult thing to imagine.

Perhaps he accepted the platonic hang outs with you as being part of your 'friend zone'.  And while he would likely consider a trip to the markets a friend kind of thing, a HOLIDAY with you and a group is a whole different story and would have sent the message that you actually may be interested now.   

Are you able to look at what happened from his angle?

Edited July 25, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I didn’t see any reason to not invite him along

This tells me you are lacking insight in a big way. 

[BrinnM]

@basil67

Yes, but if this is the same “happily single guy” from the meetup group (quote from a previous thread title), then his reaction during the trip is not that of a jilted lover who got rejected.
It’s more the reaction of somebody who has been through his fair share of intense interactions with the OP, including several attempts to “clear the air”, after it was obvious that no dating would be happening. In this case I’d say that maybe both of them made a poor decision; yes, she shouldn’t have invited him on the trip (maybe hoping for more), but he also should’ve been the one not accepting the invitation, because he knew very well that she was initially interested in dating him. 
He might have gotten some uncomfortable vibes during the trip, because this “lingering conflict” thing was still floating around between them, and he probably had enough at some point, where the late for dinner incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Subtle tension sometimes leads to these outbursts if it persists over an uninterrupted period of time. That’s my take. 

[stillafool]

On 7/23/2023 at 5:27 PM, babybrowns said:

but the main issue was that I received communication from my friend that everyone was cool with her new proposed time (she said she had organised it with them downstairs after I’d already come up to my room to get ready when they were still at the pool).

Was this guy not present when your friend went down to give everyone an update about the new dinner time?  She should have backed you up since this was all her fault for not beiing ready on time.

[FMW]

My thoughts echo what has already been said.

The guy was a jerk for yelling at you.  Don't seek out any further contact with him, leave him alone.

You should have had insight to understand that when someone shows a romantic interest in you, you cannot ignore/reject that interest and then expect them to happily just be your friend.  It's unrealistic and insensitive.  

You escalated the situation by asking for an apology in the first place, but certainly by asking in front of the group.  True apologies cannot be requested, they are offered freely or not given at all.  Asking for one publicly was stoking his already apparent displeasure with you and it's not surprising it made things worse.  You should have realized that would be the case.   

The other guys were trying to calm the situation down, not fire it up.  I don't think they were wrong in how they handled it.

Traveling in a group can be stressful.  Choose your traveling companions wisely.  

[JTSW]

I believe OP liked the attention she got from him.

That's why she invited him on vacation.

[babybrowns]

Hello all

Firstly, this is not the same man from the previous thread that I had posted a year and an half ago. That was a different social group from a different city where I used to live.

Secondly I think I need to make this current situation clearer. This man who yelled at me had made no direct advances towards me. He had simply asked me to ‘hang out’ on two occasions. There was no use of the word ‘date’ from him, there was no expression of feelings from him. Either way, I never gave him any indication that I am interested in him as more than a friend, and he still was happy to be friends. So I am not guilty of any ‘leading on’ here.

This is a man simply in a social group. He was a new member of this organisation and also new to the country, and I invited him into the friendship group simply to help him get settled and find some friends. I did not “like the attention” from it- I simply like him as a friend and thus I wanted to invite him along on a trip I planned.

I came on here to ask for help for the aggressive and random way in which I was attacked by a friend whom I had invited on vacation. I wanted to shed as much light as possible on the background. That has somehow led to previous unrelated threads being brought up, misconceptions arising and then being enhanced, and me being the subject of attack on here.

[JTSW]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

This man who yelled at me had made no direct advances towards me. He had simply asked me to ‘hang out’ on two occasions. There was no use of the word ‘date’ from him, there was no expression of feelings from him. Either way, I never gave him any indication that I am interested in him as more than a friend, and he still was happy to be friends. So I am not guilty of any ‘leading on’ here.

See your below statement where you say he did continually try to get you to date him.

You were never completely straight with him either because I think you liked his attention.

You have completely contradicted yourself here.

Also STILL not taking any responsibility.

On 7/23/2023 at 10:27 PM, babybrowns said:

this guy has had a crush on me for a while and has been trying to get me to go out with him on dates, for which I’ve not said yes (but rather than directly rejecting him, I found excuses here and there to not go out with him as to not hurt him)

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I came on here to ask for help for the aggressive and random way in which I was attacked by a friend 

He was quite rude but unfortunately it seems like a response to keeping everyone waiting for dinner. The others were smart not getting involved in a personal dispute disrupting the dinner and evening. Try to let things go next time anything like this happens. It's not worth your time demanding a public apology from someone who's rude to begin with. Try to deescalate in your mind first and distinguish between rude and extreme language such as abuse and attack.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

This man who yelled at me had made no direct advances towards me. He had simply asked me to ‘hang out’ on two occasions. There was no use of the word ‘date’ from him, there was no expression of feelings from him.

C'mon, that is not what you said originally as indicated below:

On 7/23/2023 at 5:27 PM, babybrowns said:

It is probably also worth mentioning that this guy has had a crush on me for a while and has been trying to get me to go out with him on dates, for which I’ve not said yes (but rather than directly rejecting him, I found excuses here and there to not go out with him as to not hurt him).

 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Secondly I think I need to make this current situation clearer. This man who yelled at me had made no direct advances towards me. He had simply asked me to ‘hang out’ on two occasions. There was no use of the word ‘date’ from him, there was no expression of feelings from him.

I don't want you to feel attacked, but this is not what you said before.  You are contradicting yourself.  Either you weren't being honest about this before, or you aren't being honest now.

[NuevoYorko]

Interesting.  I thought of the "happily single" guy when I read this also.

There are certainly parallels; mainly, a conflict between OP and a guy who man or may not have some type of romantic interest in her ends up becoming a very inappropriate and uncomfortable drama involving a group of fairly loose knit friends from a social group like "meetups."  

OP, do you see similarities? 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, babybrowns said:

This man who yelled at me had made no direct advances towards me. He had simply asked me to ‘hang out’ on two occasions. There was no use of the word ‘date’ from him,

Then why did you say earlier that he'd tried to get you to go on dates with him?

You are not clear and consistent in presenting the facts, BB.  We can only go on what you post, and what you post doesn't make much sense sometimes. It's no wonder posters here and people around you are confused by you.