My boyfriend can be very clingy and emotionally demanding

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I've dated lots of different guys in the past. I've dated a guy that kinda ignored me but like wanted a very physical relationship( check) I dated a very controlling guy ( check) and I dated someone who use to put me down a lot. 

 

The guy I'm currently dating is probably the nicest guy. Encourages me, is very attentive and says he loves me... A LOT. I had to get use to his kindness and I'm glad I did. 

However, sometimes, admittedly, I need some space in the relationship. I spent a lot of time ( mostly) actually single. I've spent more time single than in  relationships, and I've learnt how to be comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own space and to be okay with alone time. 

My boyfriend has also spent a lot of time single, except, he is not so comfortable being alone, now that he is with me. Sure, that should be flattering, but he does get a bit offended if I request space.  In fact, he does this weird " pouty" thing and goes and sulks about it. 

He wants to spend all his free time with me. We don't live together yet, and I said to him that I think he should try and spend more time with friends or make some more friends, but he doesn't seem to want to or is interested in doing that.  I feel like I'm sometimes emotionally drained because he's dependent on me emotionally and gets upset when I want to see my best friend or spend time with others. 

He has also gotten very annoyed if he doesn't receive a text as soon as he's sent one to me and says he's trying to remain patient even if he knows I'm busy doing other things. 

 

I've let him know ( with compassion) that I need space and that it is healthy to have it and have friendships outside the relationship and he acknowledges it even, he just says he gets a bit anxious.

 

How have other people dealt with clingy partners in the past and what is a reasonable requests and boundaries when dealing with them ?

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

 . We don't live together yet, and I said to him that I think he should try and spend more time with friends or make some more friends, 

How long have you been dating? Does he work? How old is he? Does he live alone? 

Be as busy as possible. Make sure you have plans with friends, family, your interests hobbies, etc.

Be mindful of red flags for abusive and controlling relationships, such as text tethering, possessiveness, isolation, manipulation and love bombing. Step back.

Don't "ask" for space, just create it. Don't answer to him about how you spend your time and how much you're on your phone. And most of all, please don't try to fix and change him. Telling him he's needs friends and interests won't really change a controlling personality.

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

About a year and a bit

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Does he, work? How old is he? Does he live alone? 

Be as busy as possible. Make sure you plan with friends, family, your interests hobbies, etc.

Be mindful of red flags for abusive and controlling relationships, such as text heering, possessiveness, isolation, manipulation and love bombing. Step back.

Don't "ask" for space, just create it. Don't answer to him about how you spend your time and how much you're on your phone. And most of all, please don't try to fix and change him. Telling him he's needs friends and interests won't really change a control person

It's important to point out he doesn't always exhibit this behavior, but that he does admit when he gets stressed he relies on me a lot and he gets overly cuddly for example.  He also does get tentative when I don't reply straight away because he likes consistency ( he says) He mostly doesn't like it when I request space because he says he finds it offensive that it's something I need when we are in a relationship. 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

14 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

It's important to point out he doesn't always exhibit this behavior, but that he does admit when he gets stressed he relies on me a lot and he gets overly cuddly for example.  He also does get tentative when I don't reply straight away because he likes consistency ( he says) He mostly doesn't like it when I request space because he says he finds it offensive that it's something I need when we are in a relationship. 

Oh yes he does work. He's 42

[Weezy1973]

I think you need to have a serious talk about it. He might have some deeper issues like co-dependency or something. Wanting space is indeed normal and healthy. You could research stuff together or even go to couples counseling. 
 

If he doesn’t want to do any of that, just make sure you stay strong in asserting your boundaries. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

he is not so comfortable being alone, now that he is with me. Sure, that should be flattering

Why should that be flattering? It's smothering and it indicates he has no life. 

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

he just says he gets a bit anxious

He is minimizing. He's not a "bit axious." He's either very insecure or overly controlling, or some combination of both. Unless he recognizes that takes real steps to correct it, this won't get better. 

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

what is a reasonable requests and boundaries

You live you life. Don't enable his pouting. Don't try to defend of justify having a life outside the relationship. Let him throw a tantrum if he wants, but don't engage in it. Hean stomp his feet by himself. 

 But most of all, ask yourself if this is really what you want: a man who emotionally manipulates you, has no life, and treats you like a possession. It sounds beyond exhausting and unattractive. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

He also does get tentative when I don't reply straight away because he likes consistency ( he says) 

Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought. Being consistent does not mean you have jump when he calls. That isn't consistency. It's control. 

6 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

he gets overly cuddly

What does this mean, exactly? He physcially tries to latch himself onto you? 

[Gaeta]

 

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

he does get a bit offended if I request space

he does this weird " pouty"

gets upset when I want to see my best friend or spend time with others. 

He has also gotten very annoyed

 says he's trying to remain patient

 

 

Daisy: Your boyfriend is not cligny, he is controlling. He's an insecure controller, yes yes he has some very kind qualities in him but he is still controlling. 

You need to set very clear boundaries with him and stick to them. 

Please define what you mean by he gets upset and annoyed?

To me when he says he's trying to remain patient it's a very clear threat. 

Please see this for what it really is. 

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

He also does get tentative when I don't reply straight away because he likes consistency

He's a 42 year old man not a child you left alone at a bus terminal. He's capable of managing himself during the day without you comforting him with your prompt text. 

Daisy here are a couple of questions: 

1. Is he jealous?

2. Have you introduced him to your family and friends? and what do they think of  him?

Edited July 22, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

 We don't live together yet....

Is he pushing for living together?

Please educate yourself on the Red flags for controlling relationships. Please note that manipulation, lovebombing and lack of respect for personal space are among the reds flags:

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/

[Stret]

This is nothing that can't be fixed and no need to dramatize and call him possessive or any other name. The guy is ok, he might benefit from the therapy though to find out the root cause of his clinginess. If that's the only problem, then encourage him to work on it with the help of professional and you might include yourself in one or two of his sessions too. It can't hurt. 

[BrinnM]

6 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

How have other people dealt with clingy partners in the past and what is a reasonable requests and boundaries when dealing with them ?

I’ve had a clinger before and he was a pouter as well. I can relate! I dealt with it by ending the relationship. There was nothing I could help him with, unfortunately, and I don’t have any patience for insecure “man-children”, either. If this is too much for you now, after only a year, it probably won’t get any better. People don’t change, especially when they’re 42, like your BF. 
My advice if you don’t want to end it: Do NOT move in together! Do what you’ve been doing. Meet up with friends and spend your time as you please. Inform him, don’t ask him (for permission). Ignore the pouting. 

[BaileyB]

I think counselling would be hugely beneficial here. Couples counselling could help the two of you to discuss healthy boundaries - you are not wrong to think that you should both have a life outside of the relationship, both hobbies and friends. He would also benefit from individual counselling to learn strategies to cope with his own anxiety. His preferred coping strategy is to spend time with you (as you likely provide distraction and reassurance). But, that plays out as smothering and controlling behavior… not conducive to a healthy long term relationship. 

My dad is very much like this, his primary focus is his relationship which was fine prior to the death of my mother. She liked her own time but their friends and interests were very similar, so it worked. He could not cope after her death ( he could not be alone) and so he attached himself to the first woman he met. She has her own life and boy, does that cause him frustration and unhappiness…

[mtnbiker3000]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

He might have some deeper issues like co-dependency or something.

Has he ever expressed his wants and needs? Does he also put your needs above his own? He is only happy if you're happy? If yes, then it definitely sounds like co-dependency or attachment. He is receiving happiness and joy from you and not himself. This puts a lot of pressure on you and the relationship and usually doesn't end well. Ask me how I know!

[Mrin]

You mentioned that he gets sulky when you ask for time apart. Or he gets irritated when you don't respond immediately. I think you probably pull those reactions onto yourself. Meaning - You try to solve them. Or avoid them. Or you see them as your fault. 

Thought for you to try on: What about if you just didn't take any ownership of them? They are his reactions. If he wants to have them, he can. They aren't your fault. And they certainly aren't your responsibility. Think about them that way...

Do they seem less powerful to you now? Less bothersome?

Mrin

 

[Ami1uwant]

8 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

It's important to point out he doesn't always exhibit this behavior, but that he does admit when he gets stressed he relies on me a lot and he gets overly cuddly for example.  He also does get tentative when I don't reply straight away because he likes consistency ( he says) He mostly doesn't like it when I request space because he says he finds it offensive that it's something I need when we are in a relationship. 

Do you know what triggers the stress? Like work?

 

im someone who feels each person should have sone me t8me— but it should be planned ahead. Say Sunday we can be at the same place and do dinner together but this time is me time where you can do whatever you want.  It also could mean day out with your friends, or thst werkrnd there is a thing going on u are interested in but you know your SO is not. So you go alone or w/ friends.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

24 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Do you know what triggers the stress? Like work?

 

im someone who feels each person should have sone me t8me— but it should be planned ahead. Say Sunday we can be at the same place and do dinner together but this time is me time where you can do whatever you want.  It also could mean day out with your friends, or thst werkrnd there is a thing going on u are interested in but you know your SO is not. So you go alone or w/ friends.

He has been stressed at work. But so have I and I usually need to have a bit of me time before I interact again.  When I talk about how stressed I am, he usually tells me that his day is worse. I feel like this weird competiton, like I can't have a stressful day because his is worse. I do tell him WHEN I'm having a day off like " I'm going to see _______ on this day" and he says "well can't we see _______ together?" but the thing is, when we have seen my friends, he barely even interacts and talks to them. I figure, it's best I go on my own.

He is the opposite of this guy I dated six years ago, that really broke my heart. Who ignored me most of the time and wouldn't want to spend any time with me at all. I think I felt more like an object and not a person. My current boyfriend almost does the opposite, and perhaps I'm justifying it, but I remind myself, I'm not getting ignored. But, I also have to remind myself, that in the time that I've been single, I've really worked hard on what i like and don't like, and what my hobbies are etc...and in the time that he's been single he said he has been " dreaming of this day of finally meeting a woman like me". No one has ever said anything like that to me before. 

[MsJayne]

I feel smothered just reading about him. Getting upset when you want to spend time with your friends, expecting immediate responses to texts, and the biggy, pouting 😬.  Sounds very   Stage 5 Clinger.  Trying to make you responsible for his emotions isn't love, it's an unhealthy attachment style which, surprise, surprise, makes you feel drained. Soon you'll move past the phase of questioning his behaviour to the next phase, which is when you'll start to get angry at his demands. You either choose to stay in the relationship and prepare for a time when you'll never have any personal space because you'll have a 40-something yo baby to look after, or you'll cut the umbilical cord and make him find a new breast to suckle at. Or you could confront him about it and suggest he attend counselling to deal with the low self-esteem and fears of abandonment which lie at the heart of clingy behaviour. 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

No one has ever said anything like that to me before. 

But what are those words worth if he then turns around and makes you feel bad with passive aggressiveness, threats & control.

Because he does nice things that others have not done it doesn't mean he's not controlling, he's just another type of controller.

You have not answered my question if he's jealous? 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But what are those words worth if he then turns around and makes you feel bad with passive aggressiveness, threats & control.

Because he does nice things that others have not done it doesn't mean he's not controlling, he's just another type of controller.

You have not answered my question if he's jealous. 

Sorry, I didn't answer your question before. He doesn't appear to get jealous of say other men for example, not that I've noticed but it's when he gets a bit huffy if I want to see my friends and then complains we don't see each other enough even though we see plenty of each other during the week 

[Gaeta]

You need to nip this in the butt right now. 

Daisy, you spent 10 years on your own (like me) and it's not to then have a man tell you how fast you have to reply to his texts (and all that other bs). Reach to the independant woman that still lives in you and set some needed boundaries with this guy.

You should have done so at the beginning, now you've put up with his bs for an entire year. I can only imagine how bad he will get when you live under the same roof.

It's time to put your foot down but between you and l,  when you try to set boundaries he'll just get even more controlling and he'll turn the table on you and say things like you don't really love him. Typical. 

[MsJayne]

39 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

" dreaming of this day of finally meeting a woman like me".

I understand how nice it would be for you to hear such sweet words, however this is a classic Clinger statement. If you don't set him straight it's only a matter of time before he starts acting like he's Gollum and you're his ring. In response to your actual question;

11 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

How have other people dealt with clingy partners in the past and what is a reasonable requests and boundaries when dealing with them ?

I've dealt with clingy partners by refusing to be responsible for their emotions, and that inevitably leads to the end of the relationship. If you find yourself having to set boundaries or make requests for breathing space, or worrying that you're going to hurt their feelings by living your life, a perfectly reasonable request is that they deal with their issues like an adult and stop suffocating you with their demands. 

Edited July 22, 2023 by MsJayne
Spelling error

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

My current boyfriend almost does the opposite, and perhaps I'm justifying it, but I remind myself, I'm not getting ignored. But, I also have to remind myself, that in the time that I've been single, I've really worked hard on what i like and don't like

So I think that’s some great introspection right there. Good for you!! Because:
You know that the “ignorer” from six years ago wasn’t good for you, but also, you know that the clinger who is your current BF is not good for you, either. I absolutely love reading this, because what I understand is that you completely know what you need and what you don’t want in a relationship. Unfortunately, only very few people can say that about themselves. 
Just wanted to leave this here, because bravo! 

And I think the best summarization of your current situation is that your boyfriend is kind of guilt tripping you (occasionally or maybe even nonstop), which makes you feel, yes, guilty! It’s not a good feeling.

We don’t want to be trapped, we want to spread our wings and feel supported. And if we don’t, we ask ourselves why in the hell are we in a relationship in the first place. And this is especially true when we have been single for a while because we have been comfortable being single, so we’re not ready to compromise as much as most people would, and I think that’s exactly the situation that you’re in right now. You just need to figure out how much you can tolerate. Ask yourself: What am I getting out of this? What would I lose if I ended it? Are all these “restrictions” worth it? Because like I said above, he won’t change his MO at the age of 42.

So it’s either you changing your core beliefs and your attitude, or you being single again. 

Edited July 22, 2023 by BrinnM