My boyfriend can be very clingy and emotionally demanding

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The issue isn't whether he has friends or not, the issue is he doesn't want you to be with friends. That's controlling behavior. He seems suffocating. Please try to not make excuses. Please reflect if you want a partner or someone who wants you to babysit and coddle him at the expense of your happiness.

He's definitely weird in social settings with friends he doesn't know or has only just met. With my friends,  they are quite intelligent and accomplished people.

 

Especially my best friend, she's intelligent and accomplished. He's quite a conservative person and grew up in a small town. So around my friends, he feels out of sorts.

However, with his two friends, he is much more comfortable. But when he's with me, he is most confident and is the most comfortable of all situations. 

 

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

He's definitely weird in social settings with friends he doesn't know or has only just met. With my friends,  they are quite intelligent and accomplished people.

Especially my best friend, she's intelligent and accomplished. He's quite a conservative person and grew up in a small town. So around my friends, he feels out of sorts.

However, with his two friends, he is much more comfortable. But when he's with me, he is most confident and is the most comfortable of all situations. 

I just read little thing online about how those who are quiet will come out of their shell when with the right people.  And I get it.  With my nearest and dearest, I'm really comfortable...but with those who aren't so close, I have to try really hard and I think they see me as weird and strange.   Perhaps this describes him as well?

Not that this makes up for him not being able to be without you.  And if he does feel weird and strange in some company, it would be a better choice for him to graciously let you go without him.   Unfortunately, it sounds like he's torn between the discomfort of being without you vs the discomfort of being with people who aren't his kind.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

 My boyfriend can be very clingy and emotionally demanding

It's good until it's not good and you're describing "emotionally demanding". That's really the best thing you can reflect on.

For now you still seem to be reacting to your past and somewhat enjoying the smothering as a counterpoint. 

Edited July 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I can be openly affectionate sure. But not all time.  I need space.  Sometimes I wonder if it's because I've spent so many years ( overall) without male affection that I've become so accustomed and use to not having any at all. So when I'm cuddly, I might lean on him while watching a movie, but I don't need him to kiss me always or put his arms around me. I've told him this. Lots. He knows.  

How does he react when you initiate it?

since you’ve been single you might be perceiving what he is trying to do as clingy ehrn hr might be close to normal behavior and you being not in thr mood might not be obvious to him.

 

this might be something that a couple counseling might help to address

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

So when I'm cuddly, I might lean on him while watching a movie, but I don't need him to kiss me always or put his arms around me. I've told him this. Lots. He knows.  

You are not compatible that's all. Has nothing to do with you being single for many years, l was single for as long as you and l am a very affectionate woman who's big on cudding and touching. If l dated a man like you l'd be miserable.

You and him are too different that why you get on each other's nerve. 

About him not socializing while visiting your friends l don't think it's because he lacks social skills, l think he's being a pest on purpuse just to annoye you because he doesn't want to be there, ir's a way to punish you, and the proof is as soon as you're back in your car he's mean with you and looks for a fight. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

He's definitely weird in social settings with friends he doesn't know or has only just met. With my friends,  they are quite intelligent and accomplished people.

 

Especially my best friend, she's intelligent and accomplished. He's quite a conservative person and grew up in a small town. So around my friends, he feels out of sorts.

However, with his two friends, he is much more comfortable. But when he's with me, he is most confident and is the most comfortable of all situations. 

 

I don’t read test he doesn’t want you to have friends.  He might be a big planner snd doesn’t like last minute changes likr if he thought you’d be together and not.

 

it has to do with comfort level. Him bring from a small town in a big city can be a big factor in this. If he’s from a small town from a low income  family he could be intimidated by your friends which causes anxiety.

 

my ex gf told me this sometimes when she was around my family/ relatives but not when she was around hers.

 

the question to ask is why is he like how he is with his friends but not with your friends.

Edited July 24, 2023 by Ami1uwant

[Ami1uwant]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You are not compatible that's all. Has nothing to do with you being single for many years, l was single for as long as you and l am a very affectionate woman who's big on cudding and touching. If l dated a man like you l'd be miserable.

You and him are too different that why you get on each other's nerve. 

About him not socializing while visiting your friends l don't think it's because he lacks social skills, l think he's being a pest on purpuse just to annoye you because he doesn't want to be there, ir's a way to punish you, and the proof is as soon as you're back in your car he's mean with you and looks for a fight. 

Important difference….

1. np ring single and having relationships is different than not dating and single 

2. I’m  assuming the OP doesn’t have children.  Thst can play a factor in being used to showing affection evrn if it’s in a different form.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

41 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Important difference….

1. np ring single and having relationships is different than not dating and single 

2. I’m  assuming the OP doesn’t have children.  Thst can play a factor in being used to showing affection evrn if it’s in a different form.

It's true. I don't have kids. But I have nieces and nephews I  am affectionate with and I'm an early childhood teacher.  I look after babies, toddlers, and small children. So I am affectionate. What I find smothering is the amount of affection constantly.  When I go to make dinner, it's hands around my waist, or when we are out in public its the need to hold my hands all the time, I don't need to hold hands or have someone in my space all the time. I thought maybe because being single has made me stronger without it (affection) but he has also been single about the same amount of time over all, but he actually needs constant affection all the time or reassurance and he prefers his nights with just him and me and not many others. 15 years ago, him and his parents moved down to my city. He lives in a house right next to their house. His mother thinks I'm a godsend. Because he's changed as a person (for the better) but I can't tell his mother that he gets upset that I don't want to be affectionate all the time,  every moment of every second. All I know is that he gets upset when I'm not "returning" the affection at the same amount or level and when I communicate I need space, he takes it personally. 

We actually did go to counseling but he got annoyed and he later decided he didn't like the counselor and decided he didn't want to go again  

[basil67]

Constant touching like that would drive me nuts too. There's affectionate and then there's being stuck to you like a limpet!

What happened in couples counselling to make him annoyed?   Were the issues at that time resolved by the counselling or are they still a problem?     

[Gaeta]

55 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

We actually did go to counseling but he got annoyed and he later decided he didn't like the counselor and decided he didn't want to go again  

Goodness, he's in a one way relationship isn't he!! It's not normal to need counseling after 1 year dating.  Something is really really wrong with this man. You are in another controlling relationship. 

[Alpacalia]

I think one of the most telling signs that this dynamic is off is when you feel emotionally drained by it. Which you are.

If it’s this exhausting for you it’s either because you are working too hard to be something you’re not for him or working to keep things seemingly normal in the face of constant disapproval.

You want to be comfortable in a relationship, not stressed out to the point where he texts you or wants to be more affectionate and it doesn’t make you happy, but anxious and nervous to the point where you're drained by it.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Constant touching like that would drive me nuts too. There's affectionate and then there's being stuck to you like a limpet!

What happened in couples counselling to make him annoyed?   Were the issues at that time resolved by the counselling or are they still a problem?     

It was around him feeling like we needed it to strengthen our communication. What he didn't like about it, was that he felt (his words) that the counsellor asked him about ways to strengthen HIS cmunication (surprisingly) and what he felt like, was that the counselor was attacking him. I don't believe the counselor was, I think she was trying to ascertain why communication was an obstacle. 

Anyway he got defensive and grumpy about it on the way home and I agreed we wouldn't go there again.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

We actually did go to counseling but he got annoyed 

Unfortunately, if you need couples therapy after dating a year, you're in the wrong relationship.

Please just do what you want when you want without asking permission for space.

Rather than trying to fix and change and heal him or be his social director, just live your own life more, spend less time together.

Perhaps see a therapist privately and confidentiality so you can get objective professional guidance on the matter of the past and now feeling suffocated.

It's seems like you're over-coupling as if married, when you may be better off observing your feelings more objectively and honestly.

Edited July 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

It's true. I don't have kids. But I have nieces and nephews I  am affectionate with and I'm an early childhood teacher.  I look after babies, toddlers, and small children. So I am affectionate. What I find smothering is the amount of affection constantly.  When I go to make dinner, it's hands around my waist, or when we are out in public its the need to hold my hands all the time, I don't need to hold hands or have someone in my space all the time. I thought maybe because being single has made me stronger without it (affection) but he has also been single about the same amount of time over all, but he actually needs constant affection all the time or reassurance and he prefers his nights with just him and me and not many others. 15 years ago, him and his parents moved down to my city. He lives in a house right next to their house. His mother thinks I'm a godsend. Because he's changed as a person (for the better) but I can't tell his mother that he gets upset that I don't want to be affectionate all the time,  every moment of every second. All I know is that he gets upset when I'm not "returning" the affection at the same amount or level and when I communicate I need space, he takes it personally. 

We actually did go to counseling but he got annoyed and he later decided he didn't like the counselor and decided he didn't want to go again  

There is nothing necessarily wrong in people who just want to stay home. It’s just different personality types.

have you talked to him about his prior gf stuff?
 

as I said upthread—

how are you two in the same house doing different things?

how does he react if you are the one who initiates affection?

You could be social butterfly type while he is not.  Changing that takes a lot of time.

have you talked about what he thinks of your friends and gotten him to really say something? Like you said when he was with friends he is one way but not with yours? Does he feel intimidated? Is there something he doesn’t like? Are there political differences where he’s being polite and not say anything vs getting into an argument?  is it always you going to their place, but they aren’t coming to yours?place? Some have quirks where their home they have comfort like some only use their toilet st home.
 

From his background does he relate to what’s being talked about?  For example if you were sharing stories about places you travelled and he has gone noeherr beyond 100 miles of ehere he lives thrn ghe wouldn’t have anything to contribute.

 

you mentioned about having friends for support. How has he bern in that with you?

im trying to figure this out— how much of this is him and how much of it is you.  I’m not defending him — I’m just trying to measure this 
 

My dad was a career school teacher and he seemed to have a good rep at school. As kids we really didn’t see this person at home. He wasn’t mean but he was the type of “I dealt with kids all day, I need to check out at home”. You working with young kids that are touchy freely that when you get home you want to tune out.

one of the issues in my marriage was intimacy. She wanted me to do things for her but it felt one sided.  I was the one who would usually try to initiate it snd I was turned away that I pulled away and didn’t bother to anymore.  
 

I think you need some sort of relationship counseling. You might not be communicating properly.

 

 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, if you need couples therapy after dating a year, you're in the wrong relationship.

Please just do what you want when you want without asking permission for space.

Rather than trying to fix and change and heal him or be his social director, just live your own life more, spend less time together.

Perhaps see a therapist privately and confidentiality so you can get objective professional guidance on the matter of the past and now feeling suffocated.

It's seems like you're over-coupling as if married, when you may be better off observing your feelings more objectively and honestly.

I think your right. What annoys and pains me is that I've attracted another controller, just that this one is a clingy controller. And as for the guy that ignored me most of the time, I think that relationship  pained me the most because he just acted as if he didn't really want to be with me. He was a big deal for me, because he was the first proper relationship I had had in 13 and a half years. It was a massive deal for me. For him, I don't think so as much. He hadn't been "without' for as long. I have to admit, I was probably acting like the clinger in that relationship because I was totally ecstatic that I finally met someone. 

What I've realised is there  are such things as filler girlfriends. So as it turns out, he didn't want to be with me and I was right. He slotted a new girlfriend right after we broke up as if I didn't really exist and ended up marrying her.

 

Even though I went out with someone 7 months later, and that he was a controller ( trying to change me) I was at least grateful that he actually wanted to be with me. After we broke up, I was devastated ( as I really fell in love this time).

I worked on myself however and felt I was ready to date again about a year and a half ago and met my current BF. For all intense and purposes, He seemed relatively normal and seemed like he was REALLY into me, which again, I haven't had, so I felt happy, euphoric even. Best part was, he also knew what it was like to be single for a long time and I thought him and I had a lot in common.

 What I didn't expect is someone who needed a lot of reassurance. I worked on myself in the time that I had been single, I couldn't work out why he hadn't. I had gotten use to not relying on anyone and not getting what I wanted all the time. He was acting like I did when I was with the "ignorer" but ironically, when I explained in some ways I understand, he was annoyed that someone who did understand how it feels, should be able to be more reciprocal in affection because I understood how it feels to be ignored and how being ignored hurts.

so I guess I've stayed out of guilt, out of understanding how it feels for him, but I still find the constant breath on my neck or affection from him or he even having to say " I love you" all the time a bit too much. I guess I've become more of an actualized person and he might have felt like " he's been waiting his whole life for me" as he has said, like a LOT, because the person who takes the load of the emotional labor is not him, it's me.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

There is nothing necessarily wrong in people who just want to stay home. It’s just different personality types.

have you talked to him about his prior gf stuff?
 

as I said upthread—

how are you two in the same house doing different things?

how does he react if you are the one who initiates affection?

You could be social butterfly type while he is not.  Changing that takes a lot of time.

have you talked about what he thinks of your friends and gotten him to really say something? Like you said when he was with friends he is one way but not with yours? Does he feel intimidated? Is there something he doesn’t like? Are there political differences where he’s being polite and not say anything vs getting into an argument?  is it always you going to their place, but they aren’t coming to yours?place? Some have quirks where their home they have comfort like some only use their toilet st home.
 

From his background does he relate to what’s being talked about?  For example if you were sharing stories about places you travelled and he has gone noeherr beyond 100 miles of ehere he lives thrn ghe wouldn’t have anything to contribute.

 

you mentioned about having friends for support. How has he bern in that with you?

im trying to figure this out— how much of this is him and how much of it is you.  I’m not defending him — I’m just trying to measure this 
 

My dad was a career school teacher and he seemed to have a good rep at school. As kids we really didn’t see this person at home. He wasn’t mean but he was the type of “I dealt with kids all day, I need to check out at home”. You working with young kids that are touchy freely that when you get home you want to tune out.

one of the issues in my marriage was intimacy. She wanted me to do things for her but it felt one sided.  I was the one who would usually try to initiate it snd I was turned away that I pulled away and didn’t bother to anymore.  
 

I think you need some sort of relationship counseling. You might not be communicating properly.

 

 

Yes. After a long day at work with children. I want a tidy house,  my space, dinner and a shower and quiet. So naturally I don't want hands on me. I've told him and he knows

He wants ( cos he has minimal interaction with people at work  ) me. Just me ( as he has said) He respects my boundaries ( he has said) but will often say, maybe if gives me a massage or says ", we can have a shower together" and then I will often repeat myself firmly that I  need space at the end of the day. I also have ADHD, so I can be sound-sensitive, and touching can feel irritating and it sets me off. He once got really upset and started crying saying " WELL WHAT ABOUT WHAT I NEED?" and he has always been like he needs touch, reassurance and feels he needs it constantly for him to feel at peace. 

We have agreed to like spend about half an hour at night where I lean on him in a movie, but then it's like he's got me in a rugby tackle and takes over and it's too much all over again. 

 

He admits his anxiety is linked to him fearful of being single again as he says it's a jungle out there. I understand that,  I get that,  I've been there too. But I still had to get therapy, not a partner to deal with it. 

 

I give up. I don't know anymore.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

32 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

There is nothing necessarily wrong in people who just want to stay home. It’s just different personality types.

have you talked to him about his prior gf stuff?
 

as I said upthread—

how are you two in the same house doing different things?

how does he react if you are the one who initiates affection?

You could be social butterfly type while he is not.  Changing that takes a lot of time.

have you talked about what he thinks of your friends and gotten him to really say something? Like you said when he was with friends he is one way but not with yours? Does he feel intimidated? Is there something he doesn’t like? Are there political differences where he’s being polite and not say anything vs getting into an argument?  is it always you going to their place, but they aren’t coming to yours?place? Some have quirks where their home they have comfort like some only use their toilet st home.
 

From his background does he relate to what’s being talked about?  For example if you were sharing stories about places you travelled and he has gone noeherr beyond 100 miles of ehere he lives thrn ghe wouldn’t have anything to contribute.

 

you mentioned about having friends for support. How has he bern in that with you?

im trying to figure this out— how much of this is him and how much of it is you.  I’m not defending him — I’m just trying to measure this 
 

My dad was a career school teacher and he seemed to have a good rep at school. As kids we really didn’t see this person at home. He wasn’t mean but he was the type of “I dealt with kids all day, I need to check out at home”. You working with young kids that are touchy freely that when you get home you want to tune out.

one of the issues in my marriage was intimacy. She wanted me to do things for her but it felt one sided.  I was the one who would usually try to initiate it snd I was turned away that I pulled away and didn’t bother to anymore.  
 

I think you need some sort of relationship counseling. You might not be communicating properly.

 

 

I've gone to counseling with him because of communication and he was the one who said he didn't want to do it again so I didn't push it.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

Yes. After a long day at work with children. I want a tidy house,  my space, dinner and a shower and quiet. So naturally I don't want hands on me. I've told him and he knows

He wants ( cos he has minimal interaction with people at work  ) me. Just me ( as he has said) He respects my boundaries ( he has said) but will often say, maybe if gives me a massage or says ", we can have a shower together" and then I will often repeat myself firmly that I  need space at the end of the day. I also have ADHD, so I can be sound-sensitive, and touching can feel irritating and it sets me off. He once got really upset and started crying saying " WELL WHAT ABOUT WHAT I NEED?" and he has always been like he needs touch, reassurance and feels he needs it constantly for him to feel at peace. 

We have agreed to like spend about half an hour at night where I lean on him in a movie, but then it's like he's got me in a rugby tackle and takes over and it's too much all over again. 

He admits his anxiety is linked to him fearful of being single again as he says it's a jungle out there. I understand that,  I get that,  I've been there too. But I still had to get therapy, not a partner to deal with it. 

I give up. I don't know anymore.

Daisy, you're going to have to end this.  His needs are overwhelming and more than you (or anyone!) can reasonably support.  18 months into a relationship, the two of you really should still be on quite a high, but instead his needs are driving you nuts.  Please take care of yourself

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

We have agreed to like spend about half an hour at night where I lean on him in a movie

Do you realize writing this out how crazy it is that you two even have to establish how much "leaning" time there is each night? 

I've read a lot of whacky things on this forum over the years, but this is a new one even for us veterans here. What the hell, girl. 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you realize writing this out how crazy it is that you two even have to establish how much "leaning" time there is each night? 

I've read a lot of whacky things on this forum over the years, but this is a new one even for us veterans here. What the hell, girl. 

I know it is crazy!!! But all I can do is just sit and lean ( well he usually like grabs me and puts his arms around me) then I start to feel suffocated and guilty for not enjoying it or wanting it.

[ExpatInItaly]

So, what are you going to do from here? 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I know it is crazy!!! But all I can do is just sit and lean ( well he usually like grabs me and puts his arms around me) then I start to feel suffocated and guilty for not enjoying it or wanting it.

Is this a reaction which is specific to him?  Or are you always uncomfortable with casual physical touch?  

While a lot of his need for physical touch sounds overwhelming, I would say that having a snuggle on the sofa while watching TV is a fairly basic expectation in a relationship. 

Edited July 24, 2023 by basil67

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

Especially my best friend, she's intelligent and accomplished. He's quite a conservative person and grew up in a small town. So around my friends, he feels out of sorts.

That happens to every group of friends that a bf or gf doesn't fully fit in BUT usually our partner will put his best face on so we have a good time, that's part of loving someone.

See, in your situation it's not so much about him and you not liking the same stuff, it's how your boyfriend handles it, he pouts, he's mean to you, he's threatening, controlling, and now we can add does not respect your boundaries. 

Love & life is a long term learning experience. This man is not for you, you have something else to learn about love & life from this, you take that learning with you and go search for a better partner. There is no deadline to find a partner, I am 57 and a year ago found myself an amazing man and I am having the time of my life. I am glad I let go of the 'past' men in my life that's what allowed me to experience what I am experiencing today with this gentle soul I'm dating.

[Ami1uwant]

13 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I've gone to counseling with him because of communication and he was the one who said he didn't want to do it again so I didn't push it.

Did he understand the issues in counseling or was it ended before it got anywhere ?

based on how you describe things when you come home you sound like you just check out. I don’t think you are going to find a non casual date guy will like how it seems you turn off communications when you get home.  What has happened in prior relationships around this in your behavior. You might not have gotten feed back but I could see guys fade out after seeing your routine at home after work 

 

[BaileyB]

I understand the desire to have a little time and space to yourself as I too work with people all day… I too have a partner who is just waiting for me to get home and then wants to go out - when I want to stay home because I’ve been out all day… It’s difficult when you have different needs.

You must realize that you are polar ends of the spectrum - you want time, space, and quiet and he has quite literally been waiting for you to get home. He shows his affection through touch and you are trying to negotiate distance - such that you will “lean” on him for 30 minutes every evening. Kindly, I don’t know anyone who would be thrilled about a time limit to “lean” on him while watching tv…