ShyViolet Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 14 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: but he does get a bit offended if I request space. In fact, he does this weird " pouty" thing and goes and sulks about it. Oh my goodness this is cringey, unattractive and yes it's controlling behavior. You need to find your backbone and nip this in the bud NOW. Let him know this is absolutely not ok, and if he wants to continue this relationship he needs to knock it off and actively work on his issues. This immature little tantrum that he throws when you let him know that you need your space is unacceptable behavior in a relationship. There is no way I would continue dating someone who acts like this. It really sounds like you have been way too nice about this. This needs to stop. Stop enabling this. You need way better boundaries. 3 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He is the opposite of this guy I dated six years ago, that really broke my heart. Who ignored me most of the time and wouldn't want to spend any time with me at all. I think I felt more like an object and not a person. My current boyfriend almost does the opposite, and perhaps I'm justifying it, but I remind myself, I'm not getting ignored. Absolutely not. Just because you had boyfriends in the past who were the opposite, who acted like they didn't care about you and didn't pay enough attention to you, that doesn't justify this. That is a very twisted rationalization. Those past relationships were dysfunctional, and this relationship is dysfunctional in a different way. You need to get firm with him and let him know this is not ok, and it stops now, and draw some very strong and healthy boundaries for yourself. This relationship may have potential to work IF and only if he responds with a willingness to respect that and work on his own very deep issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 13 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He mostly doesn't like it when I request space because he says he finds it offensive that it's something I need when we are in a relationship. This is borderline emotional abuse. He doesn't own you. You have a right to have space as an individual person. If he doesn't respect that, he doesn't respect you. Stop asking for permission, stop being a doormat, and let him know that THIS is how it is going to be, if he wants this relationship to continue. He also definitely needs to get into therapy. He has severe co-dependency issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 4 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He is the opposite of this guy I dated six years ago, that really broke my heart. Who ignored me most of the time and wouldn't want to spend any time with me at all You seem to have excellent insight into the fact that you swung way too far to the other extreme and unfortunately jumped into the other side of the coin as far as abusive relationships. Please do not try to fix or change him or ask him to get therapy. Controlling manipulators don't really want to change themselves, they want you to change which is what his pouting tactics are all about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Please do not try to fix or change him or ask him to get therapy. Controlling manipulators don't really want to change themselves, they want you to change which is what his pouting tactics are all about. Absolutely! This usually happens when people (men & women alike) are massively insecure, and have a problem with independent partners. They already know that the problem is them, and if they believed in therapy, they would have helped themselves by now. But they have not. Why: It’s just easier to try to restrict/control their GFs/BFs/spouses, because it’s a) easier/quicker, and b) gives them some more validation that their weak-ish egos so desperately need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He has been stressed at work. But so have I and I usually need to have a bit of me time before I interact again. When I talk about how stressed I am, he usually tells me that his day is worse. I feel like this weird competiton, like I can't have a stressful day because his is worse. This indicates poor social skills on his part. I've been watching my son learn how to converse in speech therapy and this is the kind of thing they cover. Ideally, you'd say that you'd been stressed and both converse on your issue for a bit and then if he really must, he segues into the fact that he's having trouble too and a bit of mutual support happens. Except he skipped the whole part of you needing support 🧐 Quote I do tell him WHEN I'm having a day off like " I'm going to see _______ on this day" and he says "well can't we see _______ together?" but the thing is, when we have seen my friends, he barely even interacts and talks to them. I figure, it's best I go on my own. I want to ask more on this. Is it a situation where others actively trying to involve him in the conversation and he doesn't engage? Or is it that everyone is talking so much that he has trouble getting a word in? Edited July 23, 2023 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 23, 2023 Author Share Posted July 23, 2023 20 minutes ago, basil67 said: This indicates poor social skills on his part. I've been watching my son learn how to converse in speech therapy and this is the kind of thing they cover. Ideally, you'd say that you'd been stressed and both converse on your issue for a bit and then if he really must, he segues into the fact that he's having trouble too and a bit of mutual support happens. Except he skipped the whole part of you needing support 🧐 I want to ask more on this. Is it a situation where others actively trying to involve him in the conversation and he doesn't engage? Or is it that everyone is talking so much that he has trouble getting a word in? He acts like he is restless and he doesn't try and talk or make conversation. My friends partner really tried over dinner one evening. My BF gave one word answers and afterwards, on the long drive home, he got really grumpy in the car. My friends don't really comment and have said they think he's okay. But when I said " hey I'm going to see ( that couple again this weekend) that's when he gets sulky. I asked in the past, what is it that he doesn't like about them, he says nothing. So, on the one hand, he wants to come with me to see them, but won't really make much of an effort to engage and on the other hand, would rather NOT see them as he says he would rather spend most of his time with me. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 In this case, I think it's fine to point out the when you do take him, he doesn't make an effort to get involved and that makes it weird and uncomfortable. For this reason, you prefer to go alone. And no, you're not going to stop seeing your friends. Do you realise that him not being able to talk about your stressful day and not being able to be friendly to someone who's really trying to make an effort are both issues with his social skills? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 4 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: on the long drive home, he got really grumpy in the car Why do you endure that? Why do you endure all of it? Lets stop analyzing him for a moment and lets analyze you and why you endure this huge pain in the arse? We need to do some eye openning exercise here. You posted on here thinking he's cligny when he's full on controlling, manipulative threatening, emotionally abusive to you. I hope you see the big picture here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 27 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He acts like he is restless and he doesn't try and talk or make conversation. My friends partner really tried over dinner one evening. My BF gave one word answers and afterwards, on the long drive home, he got really grumpy in the car. My friends don't really comment and have said they think he's okay. But when I said " hey I'm going to see ( that couple again this weekend) that's when he gets sulky. I asked in the past, what is it that he doesn't like about them, he says nothing. So, on the one hand, he wants to come with me to see them, but won't really make much of an effort to engage and on the other hand, would rather NOT see them as he says he would rather spend most of his time with me. The more you describe this guy the worse it gets. It's really baffling why you have put up with this for so long? This guy has profound difficulty functioning as an adult. He acts like he never learned basic social skills and how to treat other people. Why do you allow him to treat you like this and embarrass you around your friends? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 Why does this man not have any friends of his own? What is his relationship history? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 23, 2023 Author Share Posted July 23, 2023 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why does this man not have any friends of his own? What is his relationship history? He has two friends and most of his friends live elsewhere. So he doesn't really have friends. Where I have built my life around my support network. That's when I've coped while long protracted periods of singleness or devastating breakups, job changes etc... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 54 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He has two friends and most of his friends live elsewhere. So he doesn't really have friends He hasn't managed to make any new ones? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 23, 2023 Author Share Posted July 23, 2023 12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: He hasn't managed to make any new ones? Not really no. I've even introduced him to my friends and I suggested Bumble, you can make platonic friends on that site. I tried to help him set up a profile but he said the whole process made him feel stressed and overwhelmed, which, is ironic, because we met on a site. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 And what do you know about his prior relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 23, 2023 Author Share Posted July 23, 2023 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: And what do you know about his prior relationships? He's had two. One of them was like a long-term relationship of three years. I think he was dumped and greatly distressed for two years afterward. He's never gone into lengthy details and I've never pushed for details concerning it. He says he's over it now. I believe him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 My point really isn't whether he's over his past relationship(s) or not. I don't doubt that he is. My point in asking was whether he's had a pattern of dysfunction like this with previous partners. I realize he hasn't shared a lot and you haven't asked, which is fair enough. But it seems this is not a well-adjusted adult with mature coping skills. He resorts to smothering and clinging and it's a big red flag. You also said he gets "overly cuddly" - whar do you mean by that, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 23, 2023 Author Share Posted July 23, 2023 45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: My point really isn't whether he's over his past relationship(s) or not. I don't doubt that he is. My point in asking was whether he's had a pattern of dysfunction like this with previous partners. I realize he hasn't shared a lot and you haven't asked, which is fair enough. But it seems this is not a well-adjusted adult with mature coping skills. He resorts to smothering and clinging and it's a big red flag. You also said he gets "overly cuddly" - whar do you mean by that, exactly? So example might be, sitting on the couch and I just want to sit and watch a film or show right? I'm okay with a cuddle and also okay with not. He sometimes, will try and pull me in for a kiss and pull me in for a cuddle and I'm not feeling up for it at that time. The cuddles are more like he's got me in an animal trap and I'm feeling squeezed and quite uncomfortable. When I say to him " too much and let go" he will get a bit pouty and huffy too, but I just ignore it and keep watching the show. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 3 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: The cuddles are more like he's got me in an animal trap and I'm feeling squeezed and quite uncomfortable. When I say to him " too much and let go" he will get a bit pouty and huffy too Good lord. This man has no respect for your boundaries at all. I personally would have dumped him by now. I would be annoyed and way too turned off to want to be in a relationship with him any longer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 I'm changing my mind, as you've now said many other things since my last comment. Dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 (edited) Sounds like he was either neglected as a child or his parents separated when he was young. He is trying to fill that void, he gets triggered with feelings of rejection and loneliness. He needs therapy to deal with those feelings of insecurity and to understand why he keeps feeling that way. If you want to stick this out, get him into treatment. If he doesn’t see he has insecurity issues that need to be addressed, end this relationship. I dated clingy for 5 years. I regret not having the strength to leave him sooner. He was very manipulative and wore down my self esteem. It was horrible. Edited July 23, 2023 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 22 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He has been stressed at work. But so have I and I usually need to have a bit of me time before I interact again. When I talk about how stressed I am, he usually tells me that his day is worse. I feel like this weird competiton, like I can't have a stressful day because his is worse. I do tell him WHEN I'm having a day off like " I'm going to see _______ on this day" and he says "well can't we see _______ together?" but the thing is, when we have seen my friends, he barely even interacts and talks to them. I figure, it's best I go on my own. He is the opposite of this guy I dated six years ago, that really broke my heart. Who ignored me most of the time and wouldn't want to spend any time with me at all. I think I felt more like an object and not a person. My current boyfriend almost does the opposite, and perhaps I'm justifying it, but I remind myself, I'm not getting ignored. But, I also have to remind myself, that in the time that I've been single, I've really worked hard on what i like and don't like, and what my hobbies are etc...and in the time that he's been single he said he has been " dreaming of this day of finally meeting a woman like me". No one has ever said anything like that to me before. Why do you think it’s a competition when you are sharing work stories? how do you do plan things out? Do you talk on Tuesday what the weekrnd plans are or is this done late on Friday when he thought of things you two would do? Eho is the planner in these things? Is it always on him? Communication when he is with your friends—-what’s happened in the past? Are the topics things he has nothing to talk about on? Do you two come from opposite sides of the track or different economic/social class or have different interests or views? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 11 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: Not really no. I've even introduced him to my friends and I suggested Bumble, you can make platonic friends on that site. I tried to help him set up a profile but he said the whole process made him feel stressed and overwhelmed, which, is ironic, because we met on a site. What about work? Does he have work folks he talks with in a positive way? he probably has a form of ASD/ Aspergers. I have a genetic form that runs on my mothers side of the family. with Me— I can socialize just fine in a setting like you described like seeing a small group of friends and getting to know them. If it was like a party and you left me and I didn’t know anyone I probably would be quiet and not socialize much. hr might be very quiet on things he does not know anything about. What happens if you talk about something he has interest in? Does he open up? It’s also common where people might have an interest in some topics and really talk, but not so much in other topic. as I said…do you come from different backgrounds? Cultural differences like he’s first generation and not as aware of cultural history. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 10 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: So example might be, sitting on the couch and I just want to sit and watch a film or show right? I'm okay with a cuddle and also okay with not. He sometimes, will try and pull me in for a kiss and pull me in for a cuddle and I'm not feeling up for it at that time. The cuddles are more like he's got me in an animal trap and I'm feeling squeezed and quite uncomfortable. When I say to him " too much and let go" he will get a bit pouty and huffy too, but I just ignore it and keep watching the show. He might have trouble reading your non verbal cues. What happened when you initiate things in terms of kidding or hugging? Are you open in affection? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2023 Share Posted July 23, 2023 13 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: He's had two. One of them was like a long-term relationship of three years. The issue isn't whether he has friends or not, the issue is he doesn't want you to be with friends. That's controlling behavior. He seems suffocating. Please try to not make excuses. Please reflect if you want a partner or someone who wants you to babysit and coddle him at the expense of your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 23, 2023 Author Share Posted July 23, 2023 2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: He might have trouble reading your non verbal cues. What happennonverbalu initiate things in terms of kidding or hugging? Are you open in affection? I can be openly affectionate sure. But not all time. I need space. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I've spent so many years ( overall) without male affection that I've become so accustomed and use to not having any at all. So when I'm cuddly, I might lean on him while watching a movie, but I don't need him to kiss me always or put his arms around me. I've told him this. Lots. He knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts