Wiseman2 Posted July 24, 2023 Share Posted July 24, 2023 16 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: . After a long day at work with children. I want a tidy house, my space, dinner and a shower and quiet. So naturally I don't want hands on me. Why not spend less time together? How much are you hanging out together? That would help you feel less suffocated. That is completely in your control. What his social life and mental health and so on is all about is not in your control. Focus on what steps you can take to achieve better boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 24, 2023 Share Posted July 24, 2023 OP, you have thoroughly described the problem. There's no need to keep giving examples of all the messed up stuff he does.... It's clear to anyone reading, there is something seriously wrong with this man, and he is not even willing to work on himself or change it (shown by the fact that he rejected therapy and insists that he's not willing to do that again). I want to know what you plan to do about this, are you just going to allow this man to keep you in a seriously dysfunctional relationship? You need to END this relationship. He sounds like the type of person who would stalk you after a breakup. You need to take this situation seriously and put an end to it. This is not okay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2023 Share Posted July 28, 2023 7 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: So recently I'm experiencing a break up and it's pretty intense. Have you decided to end things? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 28, 2023 Share Posted July 28, 2023 How are you doing Daisy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 28, 2023 Author Share Posted July 28, 2023 I ended things. It was and still is very hard. I question my decision all the time but I'm sure it was the right one. He isn't giving up though. Most guys start dating someone straight away after breaking up with me so, this kind of "hey, I'm just checking in with me" and having his mother and sister ringing me, (6 missed calls) is something new. He has even asked to come around. I told him I need some space, but he is telling me we need a " sit down talk" about it and cutting him out and breaking up with him was cruel. I still need space though ! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 28, 2023 Share Posted July 28, 2023 Breakups are hard even when they are needed. You did the right thing, hang in there. His mother and sister have no business calling you, this is a private matter. Once again he is not respecting your wish for space. If he were smart he'd give you that space without nagging and take his chance later but, again his worry is himself, he doesn't care about what you need. Breaking up with him is cruel? I never heard that one before. You are not responsible for how he feels about the breakup, he needs to deal with it by himself. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 28, 2023 Share Posted July 28, 2023 1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: having his mother and sister ringing me, (6 missed calls) is something new. He has even asked to come around. I told him I need some space, but he is telling me we need a " sit down talk" about it and cutting him out and breaking up with him was cruel. You absolutely do NOT need to "sit down and talk" with him, that would be the worst thing you could do. He is borderline stalking you and not leaving you alone. Do not reward or encourage that behavior by giving in to it. You are not being clear enough or firm enough with him. Saying "I need some space" is not cutting it. He doesn't know how to respect that. You need to send him one very blunt and direct text letting him know that it's not OK that he keep contacting you or having his family members contact you. Then block him and his family members. End of story. You have been way too permissive and passive with this guy and allowed him to walk all over you. Don't let him become a stalker. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I ended things. It was and still is very hard. I question my decision all the time but I'm sure it was the right one. He isn't giving up though. Most guys start dating someone straight away after breaking up with me so, this kind of "hey, I'm just checking in with me" and having his mother and sister ringing me, (6 missed calls) is something new. He has even asked to come around. I told him I need some space, but he is telling me we need a " sit down talk" about it and cutting him out and breaking up with him was cruel. Actually, it's not uncommon for guys to take a bit of time to regroup before getting out dating again. But, you're right that they don't keep on contacting you. But for someone who's far too clingy or needy, this post breakup behaviour is absolutely what you'd expect. It's important to realise that while you're asking for space, it suggests that you haven't closed the door on him completely - so he's trying to find a way back in. What you need to do is tell him that it's over and that you won't be contacting him again. Be firm and direct and don't wrap your words in niceties. If he still doesn't let up, block him. Actually, what is behind you asking for space instead of closing the door completely? Block his mother and sister immediately. Edited July 29, 2023 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: having his mother and sister ringing me, (6 missed calls) is something new. he is telling me we need a " sit down talk" about it and cutting him out and breaking up with him was cruel. Please educate yourself on the Red flags for controlling relationships. Please note that manipulation, lovebombing and lack of respect for personal space are among the reds flags: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/domestic-abuse-how-to-spot-relationship-red-flags/ Edited July 29, 2023 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 9 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: having his mother and sister ringing me, (6 missed calls) This is messed up, and says everything and him and his family. This man has serious problems and I hope you have blocked their numbers. His mom and sister have no business talking to you about this, let alone trying to pressure you into doing so. 10 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I told him I need some space Daisy, you need to get a lot more assertive. Tell him to stop. Not that you need space, but that it's over and he and his family need to leave you alone. There is no need for a sit-down talk, and it doesn't really matter if he disagrees. He's bulldozed right over your boundaries throughout this relationship and he's doing it again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 18 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: I ended things. It was and still is very hard. I question my decision all the time but I'm sure it was the right one. He isn't giving up though. Most guys start dating someone straight away after breaking up with me so, this kind of "hey, I'm just checking in with me" and having his mother and sister ringing me, (6 missed calls) is something new. He has even asked to come around. I told him I need some space, but he is telling me we need a " sit down talk" about it and cutting him out and breaking up with him was cruel. I still need space though ! To him, this came unexpectedly. Don’t know how you did it but he might want to have some questioned answered as to why. If you gotten to be friends with his sister I can see her reaching out but not trying to convince you to come back. She coukd be a good messenger of things. I recall when my ex gf broke up with me. A big reason was this mid- life crisis thing she went through. Her family was like WTF with her. Her sister told me this. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 29, 2023 Share Posted July 29, 2023 (edited) 22 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said: His mother and sister are ringing me, (6 missed calls). He has even asked to come around. I told him I need some space, but he is telling me we need a "sit down talk" about it and cutting him out and breaking up with him was cruel. He has absolutely no respect for boundaries. I would be polite, but I would be very firm. You have made your decision, and he needs to respect that. It did come suddenly for him, so it’s not hard to know why he is having difficulty. You need to be firm. Basil is right, the use of the word “space” implies that you are using this time to think about the relationship and there is some hope… He is behaving in much the same way that you would expect a man to behave who lacks boundaries and is emotionally needy. You could be kind an offer to talk, but he’s likely to use that as an opportunity to change your mind. If you are ending it, be clear and tell him that. He needs to ask his family to stop calling you and leave you alone… Edited July 29, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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