Why is this upsetting for some people?

[Kassieee]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well yes, pulling a disappearing act in the middle of the night after he passed out and woke up wondering what happened is a bit rude in his house especially since you didn't tell him it's a habit of yours or leave a note text or anything.  Sounds like a misunderstanding due to poor communication. If you are going to be a guest in someone's home make it clear you intend to use their guest room after sex. Don't just help yourself to every room in their home. Did you wash the sheets and clean up the room after you used it?

That's not why he was upset though. He says he has no problem with me going in there, he says to help myself with anything, we hang out in there because theres a tv so its not a big deal. He didnt like he woke up by himself. No, he can clean up.

Edited July 23, 2023 by justaskingok

[Kassieee]

56 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’ve never yelled at my partner for leaving to sleep in another room. 

I would prefer to sleep together. It frustrates me that he is such a light sleeper and it makes me sad when he leaves, but I’ve never been “upset” with him. 

I know women who can't sleep unless their man is there. Is it a comfort thing? Why does it trigger negative feelings? 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

. No, he can clean up.

Are you still seeing each other? It doesn't seem like you get along that well and for some reason you thought he was rude and should clean up after you, so lots of misunderstandings.

[MsJayne]

If the relationship's fairly new it's a bit of a romance killer to go sleep in another room. Different if you live together and one of you loudly snores and farts their way through every night while the other one lies there with tired, bloodshot eyes staring into the darkness and worrying about having to get up for work. Poor sleep patterns are usually related to a physical or mental health issue of some sort, and if it's that bad that you can't stand spending one night with someone because you toss and turn so much maybe you should get checked out. I toss and turn a lot because of a spinal issue but my partner doesn't even notice. That's because he's the noisy one.  

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I know women who can't sleep unless their man is there. Is it a comfort thing? Why does it trigger negative feelings? 

Depends on the context.  If I've been snoring and he goes to another room, I sleep well.  If he's away with the boys or with work, I sleep well.  But if he's out on the town and I don't know when he will be home and what state he will be in, I can't sleep.   

[Kassieee]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still seeing each other? It doesn't seem like you get along that well and for some reason you thought he was rude and should clean up after you, so lots of misunderstandings.

I don't know.

[Kassieee]

4 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

If the relationship's fairly new it's a bit of a romance killer to go sleep in another room. Different if you live together and one of you loudly snores and farts their way through every night while the other one lies there with tired, bloodshot eyes staring into the darkness and worrying about having to get up for work. Poor sleep patterns are usually related to a physical or mental health issue of some sort, and if it's that bad that you can't stand spending one night with someone because you toss and turn so much maybe you should get checked out. I toss and turn a lot because of a spinal issue but my partner doesn't even notice. That's because he's the noisy one.  

 

Waking up next to someone never even crossed my mind as being romantic.

My ex never told me why it was such a big deal to him.

[Alpacalia]

It's a situationship. Highly doubt dude was so upset and offended as you're making it out to be. Besides, if you felt he was being mean you could have left.

Edited July 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Waking up next to someone never even crossed my mind as being romantic.

My ex never told me why it was such a big deal to him.

I'd call it intimate.  And it's lovely snuggling into their warm body as you're both waking.   On the occasional nights that my partner and I do sleep separate, I very much miss his having his body next to me as I wake.  It's really quite a lonely feeling without him.  

If we've slept separate, one of us will often crawl into the other's bed so that we can have that morning snuggle. 

[Kassieee]

I dont mind snuggling before bed. But I need my space after. I do enjoy having my space to rest. I toss too much, I've even fallen off my bed.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I don't know.

In that case reflect if he's a bad host. You could also research how to communicate more effectively and how to be a more polite houseguest. Sneaking out without saying anything is a bit rude, especially knowing that that's what you tend to do..

Like being invited for dinner and just leaving the table because you feel like it, without excusing yourself.

  If you have sleep disorders a check up with your physician would help, so refrain from sleepovers until you get checked out.

Edited July 23, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

In that case reflect if he's a bad host. You could also research how to communicate more effectively and how to be a more polite houseguest. Sneaking out without saying anything is a bit rude, especially knowing that that's what you tend to do.. Like being invited for dinner and just leaving the table because you feel like it.

I feel pretty ok with my actions. It's his reaction I'm so more wondering about.

[MsJayne]

25 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Waking up next to someone never even crossed my mind as being romantic.

Interesting.  Do you not perceive sleeping together as romance? From your partner's point of view do you think it could feel a bit rejection-ish? 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I feel pretty ok with my actions. It's his reaction I'm so more wondering about.

Hmmm.....are you able to look at your actions objectively?   Because if you're not, you'll never be able to understand what happened from his angle. 

[Kassieee]

8 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Interesting.  Do you not perceive sleeping together as romance? From your partner's point of view do you think it could feel a bit rejection-ish? 

 

I think that's a good word to describe it (rejection). With my ex bf especially. He would come into the living room looking sad. 

I don't precieve sleeping together as romantic. I've snuggled in bed...it's that considered romantic?

Edited July 23, 2023 by justaskingok

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

I know women who can't sleep unless their man is there. Is it a comfort thing? Why does it trigger negative feelings? 

Early in our relationship, he slept over and he didn’t just go to another room, he left my home at 4am because he couldn’t sleep.

I felt rejected. I was really hurt. And, I was lonely. I had thought we would wake together, have morning sex, I would make him coffee and breakfast… and I was alone, tired (because I didn’t sleep after he left), and very sad. I went to his house the next day and we had a tender moment… that’s when we talked it out and I started to understand…

I now understand that he needs his sleep and I see his nightly struggle. I’m ok with sleeping separately - our fitbits tell us that we both sleep better.   But, I prefer to sleep with him. I find comfort in his presence. I miss the intimacy when we sleep separately.

Edited July 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[Kassieee]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Early in our relationship, he slept over and he didn’t just go to another room, he left my home at 4am because he couldn’t sleep.

I felt rejected. I was really hurt. And, I was lonely. I had thought we would wake together, have morning sex, I would make him coffee and breakfast… and I was alone, tired (because I didn’t sleep after he left), and very sad. I went to his house the next day and we had a tender moment… that’s when we talked it out and I started to understand…

I now understand that he needs his sleep and I see his nightly struggle. I’m ok with sleeping separately - our fitbits tell us that we both sleep better.   But, I prefer to sleep with him. I find comfort in his presence. I miss the intimacy when we sleep separately.

I've done that before with my ex.

I left the house early in morning. There was one time he panicked and thought something bad happened to me, he ran outside, down the street. 

I was so desperate for a good rest in my own bed.

[MsJayne]

25 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

 

I think that's a good word to describe it (rejection). With my ex bf especially. He would come into the living room looking sad. 

I don't precieve sleeping together as romantic. I've snuggled in bed...it's that considered romantic?

Yes, but I guess different people have different ideas about romance. For people of my generation who grew up watching Doris Day movies and other belief-warping propaganda about romance it's probably more a social expectation than anything else,  because back in the olden days if a young couple didn't share the same bedroom it signified difficulty in the relationship. Possibly you just have different values to the guys you pick, maybe you go for romantics but you're not romantic yourself. 

Edited July 23, 2023 by MsJayne

[BaileyB]

Just now, justaskingok said:

I've done that before with my ex.

I left the house early in morning. There was one time he panicked and thought something bad happened to me, he ran outside, down the street. 

I was so desperate for a good rest in my own bed.

And he was left feeling scared, rejected, lonely, angry…

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I've snuggled in bed...it's that considered romantic?

This is the intimacy that I described - to snuggle or spoon. The goodnight kiss. We rub each others back. We will talk and tease each other playfully. I have woken to find that he is holding my hand. I miss all those intimate moments when we sleep separately. We sacrifice a good night sleep on the weekends or during holidays to sleep together because we want to sleep together - even though we don’t always sleep well. 

Edited July 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

 he panicked and thought something bad happened to me, he ran outside, down the street. 

And you can't text or leave a note?  Sleeping in your own bed is fine, but being rude isn't. 

Take a break from dating and see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done.  Rule out sleep disorders and other things. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

[Kassieee]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

This is the intimacy that I described - to snuggle or spoon. The goodnight kiss. We rub each others back. We will talk and tease each other playfully. I have woken to find that he is holding my hand. I miss all those intimate moments when we sleep separately. We will some times sacrifice a good night sleep on the weekends or during holidays to sleep together because we want to sleep together - even though we don’t always sleep well. 

Got it. I thought that was just being affectionate. I thought romance is more so, going out and doing something special for eachother.

 

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Got it. I thought that was just being affectionate. I thought romance is more so, going out and doing something special for eachother.

 

It's not "just being affectionate".  Affection is part of romance.

As are intimacy, touch, quality time, listening to each other, a small gift....romance is the heading all these individual things sit under. 

 

Edited July 23, 2023 by basil67

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Got it. I thought that was just being affectionate. I thought romance is more so, going out and doing something special for eachother.

 

To me, that would be a romantic gesture.

The intimacy that you share with a partner can be much more subtle, as I described. There is a certain intimacy that develops between two people when they live or spend time together. Cooking a meal for someone can be a very romantic and intimate thing to do. Going for a drive together while you hold hands, listen to music, talk about your dreams - there is intimacy in that. Falling asleep or waking up in the arms of your love - feeling them rub your back or run their fingers through your hair is a beautifully intimate and romantic moment. It’s what makes this relationship different from every other…

Edited July 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I've done that before with my ex.

I left the house early in morning. There was one time he panicked and thought something bad happened to me, he ran outside, down the street. 

And you really don't understand how this experience could make a guy react negatively?