Partner with PTSD has given up

[Label228]

Honestly, I don't think I should even call her my partner, she's detached so much. I know I'm the only friend she has. We were together for 7 years. The last 3 she has alienated herself to her home. She refuses to see a therapist. Has in the past but, her trauma is complex. CPTSD. I love her and gave so much of myself to helping her. Now she doesn't want help. She doesn't want anyone. She says that. Like it helps. I love you but I don't want anyone. Struggling to know what to do next. To move on. She was my only friend. Now in a new town and know no one. No friends. Still constantly worried about her. Lost.

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing you can do if she's not open to helping herself. I have PTSD so I'm familiar. 

It isn't good that she is your only friend, and it isn't for you to take on all her problems. 

You're in a new town now so try to focus on getting yourself sorted and situated and take care of yourself.

[Label228]

I agree, but letting go of someone I care about, just isn't in me. It feels like abandoning family at this point. I know it's making me not well. And I don't know what to do. I'm lonely. Have no one. Used to taking care of people and have been and am fully capable of taking care of myself but, I have no one to provide me comfort. I don't know.

[mark clemson]

Relationships boil down to a mutual decision by two people to continue it.

One upshot of this is that once one person in the relationship genuinely decides they're done, it's over. And so, sometimes by hanging on, you get one-sided "hoping they'll come back" situations like this.

You are you and "letting go" is easier for some folks than others. Indeed, it's possible for folks to waste years of their life "orbiting" with unreciprocated  feelings. However, I believe you are probably best served by recognizing that, despite how YOU feel, SHE is done, and so there is little point in hanging around (even mentally). If you want to actually be in a relationship, you're probably going to need to start looking elsewhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Label228 said:

I agree, but letting go of someone I care about, just isn't in me. It feels like abandoning family at this point

I can understand, but what option do you have? 

She doesn't want to continue and has decided to let go of you. As much as it hurts, it's her prerogative to do so. When you frame it as you abandoning her, that's merely you looking for justification to hang on. 

It's going to take plenty of time to get used to this new normal, and I would start by trying to form new friendships. It's not easy to do, I realize, but you are going to sprial down even harder if you are socially isolated. Baby steps. I'm sorry you are going through this. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Label228 said:

I agree, but letting go of someone I care about, just isn't in me. It feels like abandoning family at this point. I know it's making me not well. And I don't know what to do. I'm lonely. Have no one. Used to taking care of people and have been and am fully capable of taking care of myself but, I have no one to provide me comfort. I don't know.

But you didn't let her go.  She let go of you and you have to accept that.  If you like taking care of people there are plenty of places to volunteer, offer your help and meet new friends and love interests.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds codependent to me. 

You can't rescue this friend from trauma. Only therapy (intense and good) and meds (precise) and time and work on THEIR part can help them through the trauma. You gotta grow up on this one--let go of the fantasy that we can fix people. We can't. 

And part of your problem is that you don't have other friends. How about get involved in some activities and go out and meet people. Investing solely in one person is NEVER the answer. Never!

You're essentially what you can do to help her. You've done it. You recommended therapy. That is all that is in your control. Now time for you to stop hiding in this one relationship and get out there and meet people. 

[Label228]

def codependent and have been actively working on that. I have been putting myself out there and have gotten no interest. People are busy. People just don't have time. It's so much harder than I can explain. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Label228 said:

She was my only friend. Now in a new town and know no one. No friends. 

Sorry this is happening. Breakups hurt, but all you can do is give her space.

Does she have friends family medical care and a job in the area?

The most important thing is to take care of yourself and your own physical and mental health. You seem isolated because of this situation.

Please join some groups and clubs, even support groups. Volunteer. Get a fun part-time job. Get involved in sports and fitness. Take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons. 

Even though breakups hurt, the isolation is part of the situation and making it feel worse. One person can not fulfill all your needs.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I've been there, times when I moved or times when my friendship network moved--and I found myself without many friends. It's really challenging to meet new friends in some situations. I had a friend years ago who was a one-person social network, and she loved me and brought me into that network--and she and I had our own great friendship. Literally met her at grad school one day and boom. Like no transition. She and I hit it off. When she left town to marry a mutual buddy of ours, my social life and social network took a major hit.  

And then I had another buddy, who I got closer to and she was fun as all. And she generated a lot of fun and was friends with other people who I liked. Then she got a great job offer and left town.

So we do go through periods even if we're outgoing, when it is hard to make connections. What seemed to help me was to go counterintuitive. Instead of focusing on making friends, it was helpful for me to focus on having fun and advancing in my job. Once I got into having fun, something shifted. I met people in the fun activities and my energy must have shifted because I started to see all kinds of opportunities to hang with people and then friendships emerged. One of my best buddies is someone I met in a writing group. He liked my energy and said, "hey, how about you and me hang out some?" 

I hung out with him and it was wonderful. We're still close 15 years later. 

So join some activities--with the goal of fun, of having a blast! Having a blast is its own reward, increases your social confidence and increases your social knowledge. Once you're out having a blast, just through informal effortless little snippets, you'll learn of other fun activities and on and on. Having fun opens up other opportunities. Also, look around your job. Are you sure there's no one there who is worth eating lunch with. It's amazing the number of friendships that start with something small, just going to lunch.  

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Label228 said:

letting go of someone I care about, just isn't in me.

There's nothing you can do about that though.

You have no choice.

You can't help someone that doesn't want it.

You can't be with someone who doesn't want you.

Unfortunately, you no longer have anymore more options, other than to move on and try and make new friendships.