How do you communicate the need for more quality time from a hyper-independent partner?

[Jammer25]

I have been with my GF for about 6 months. Things have been great, we really connected and have told each other we love each other and met each other’s families. We usually see each other once or twice a week on average, mostly always weekends. We both have things going on like hobbies and family, but her social calendar is definitely much fuller than mine. 

In the past several weeks, I feel like there’s been a shift in how we’ve been prioritizing each other. She just finished a summer activity and is looking to start a different one next month. I had suggested we could have a recurring weeknight date together, where we take a dance class or something - she seemed to be on board with the idea at the time. We had agreed to wait until after her recent activity was done to lock down things. But that went out the window with her new plans, so I’m feeling a bit dismissed like she just forgot or ultimately didn’t care about the suggestion.

She has admitted that her hyper-independence has been an issue in past relationships, where things were only talked about too late to save it after growing apart. I’m wary of waiting too long to communicate it, but I’m trying to put things into perspective. It’s not like I’m asking her to just hang out and sit around doing nothing, but at the same time I’m conflicted because most people would “naturally” want to spend more time with their partner as the relationship progresses. 
 

Though I do understand that people have different timelines for feeling comfortable and open about sharing more time, and I’m taking stock at the 6 month mark. Would appreciate insight from others who have either been with an independent partner, or are that person themselves, and what has worked for you?

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Jammer25 said:

 I’m taking stock at the 6 month mark. 

How old is she? Do you both work? Go to school? What are all these activities she's into? 

At 6 mos it's good to reassess compatibility and in this case how much together time you need versus her. 

Do you feel she is pulling away deliberately or she simply has a bunch of interests and projects that take up a lot of her time?

[Jammer25]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is she? Do you both work? Go to school? What are all these activities she's into? 

At 6 mos it's good to reassess compatibility and in this case how much together time you need versus her. 

Do you feel she is pulling away deliberately or she simply has a bunch of interests and projects that take up a lot of her time?

29M and 28F, both full-time corporate jobs and no school. We both have a mix of fitness hobbies and creative things like instruments or writing, plus family stuff. Even so, I'm definitely more of a homebody than she is.

I don't think she's deliberately pulling away. I'm wondering if it's more of a lack of mental capacity to realize she's kind of drifting in terms of her time. I feel like she takes it for granted occasionally as far as her having free time, and I'm always willing to shift my schedule because I would rather see her. Which may be a part of the problem, that I make myself too available. I'm just not sure of the balance due to her history, where if I deny too many of the hangouts she initiates, she will fall back into her old pattern and just let the relationship grow apart without that awareness. I feel like I'll have to be the one to provide that feedback and have a conversation about where she's at, as far as committing more time to our relationship. There's a certain point where I'd like to feel as though she is actively prioritizing our time together, rather than me having to tell her about this fix.

[Gaeta]

You are the weekend boyfriend and that is enough for her.  It sounds like you are looking for something with more depth. 

My bf is hyper active too,  he works full time & travels for work, he's involved in charity work, he's involved in his community, he trains for marathons, and he has 3 young children, he STILL squeezes week nights for me even if he only has a couple of hours he comes straight to me. 

Being too busy is always an excuse.

After 6 months you've sampled enough what she has to offer, sounds like it's not enough. I would not stay in a relationship that l have to remind my partner l exist.

[ShyViolet]

People prioritize what is important to them.  If she was super into you, she would naturally want to see you a lot.  It would organically happen.  She just doesn't feel that way.  She has a lot of things going on in her life, and you are just one of them.  She is interested in casually dating you.  You should manage your expectations here, because it sounds like you and her are not on the same page in terms of what kind of relationship you are looking for.

 

[Ami1uwant]

What sort of relationship history is there?have you talked to her anpbout her past relationship history and how long thry lasted?

 

sometimes behavior can change after the new car smell wears off and try go back to normal routine.

How are your dates planned or set up?

 

[Bue-aidez]

3 hours ago, Jammer25 said:

I have been with my GF for about 6 months. Things have been great, we really connected and have told each other we love each other and met each other’s families. We usually see each other once or twice a week on average, mostly always weekends. We both have things going on like hobbies and family, but her social calendar is definitely much fuller than mine. 

In the past several weeks, I feel like there’s been a shift in how we’ve been prioritizing each other. She just finished a summer activity and is looking to start a different one next month. I had suggested we could have a recurring weeknight date together, where we take a dance class or something - she seemed to be on board with the idea at the time. We had agreed to wait until after her recent activity was done to lock down things. But that went out the window with her new plans, so I’m feeling a bit dismissed like she just forgot or ultimately didn’t care about the suggestion.

She has admitted that her hyper-independence has been an issue in past relationships, where things were only talked about too late to save it after growing apart. I’m wary of waiting too long to communicate it, but I’m trying to put things into perspective. It’s not like I’m asking her to just hang out and sit around doing nothing, but at the same time I’m conflicted because most people would “naturally” want to spend more time with their partner as the relationship progresses. 
 

Though I do understand that people have different timelines for feeling comfortable and open about sharing more time, and I’m taking stock at the 6 month mark. Would appreciate insight from others who have either been with an independent partner, or are that person themselves, and what has worked for you?

You can start by reminding her about the plans and then tell her how you feel dismissed. She already know that that part is a weakness and her telling you that it has been a problem in previous relationships shows that she wants you to tell her early before it's too late. She too wants you to be happy and how can she make you happy if you won't tell her what you need.

 

A good way to start is "When you did (a) I felt (b).... I would appreciate it if next time you'd do (c)"

[Jammer25]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You are the weekend boyfriend and that is enough for her.  It sounds like you are looking for something with more depth. 

My bf is hyper active too,  he works full time & travels for work, he's involved in charity work, he's involved in his community, he trains for marathons, and he has 3 young children, he STILL squeezes week nights for me even if he only has a couple of hours he comes straight to me. 

Being too busy is always an excuse.

After 6 months you've sampled enough what she has to offer, sounds like it's not enough. I would not stay in a relationship that l have to remind my partner l exist.

I guess the disconnect for me is, she has introduced me into her friend circle and to her family. That doesn't jive with someone who is deliberately keeping distance, so I wonder if it's more of a fault in terms of how she can't bridge the need for more quality time with her sense of independence. I would not want to be the one pulling the weight with reminding her of time together, while also having to reinforce that dynamic in the relationship. I'm hoping we can hash out a plan in our next conversation.

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

What sort of relationship history is there?have you talked to her anpbout her past relationship history and how long thry lasted?

 

sometimes behavior can change after the new car smell wears off and try go back to normal routine.

How are your dates planned or set up?

 

She has admitted that she has been very independent in almost all of her past relationships, so I wonder if it's a case of old habits dying hard. But she also says that the communication about reinforcing quality time was lacking, though to me that says she is largely "unpracticed" regarding the expectation that a partner would naturally be a priority of your time as you become more serious. Her longest relationship was about 3 years in the past.

I would say we have both planned dates, but I tend to do more of it for sure.

33 minutes ago, Bue-aidez said:

You can start by reminding her about the plans and then tell her how you feel dismissed. She already know that that part is a weakness and her telling you that it has been a problem in previous relationships shows that she wants you to tell her early before it's too late. She too wants you to be happy and how can she make you happy if you won't tell her what you need.

 

A good way to start is "When you did (a) I felt (b).... I would appreciate it if next time you'd do (c)"

I get that, but I also don't want to have to reinforce it constantly and have it wear on me feeling like I have to pull teeth. I would want her to eventually "get it" as far as adopting a different mentality of prioritizing quality time over just doing her own thing.

Edited July 26, 2023 by Jammer25

[ExpatInItaly]

You're making a lot of excuses for her. 

She doesn't lack the mental capacity to recognize that a partner would like to see her more. She simply doesn't want to spend more time together. It's not as complicated as you're trying to make it seem. 

25 minutes ago, Jammer25 said:

I would want her to eventually "get it" as far as adopting a different mentality of prioritizing quality time over just doing her own thing

She gets it, OP. The point is that she likes things the way they are. She is happy living her life and squeezing you in when she feels like it.  If she wanted to see you more, she would. It's that simple. Sure, she has introduced you to her family and friends - but so what?  That hasn't changed her desire to prioritize you in other ways. 

If you have spoken to her about this and not much has changed, you need to re-evaluate your overall compatibility. There is a signficant difference in how you two experience relationships, and if you want more closeness (which is understandable), then you might have to concede that she just isn't the woman for that. 

[JTSW]

Looks like your relationship is heading in the same direction as her other relationships.

She has admitted that her hyper independence has caused past relationship issues, but she isn't doing anything about it.

She isn't going to change for you either so it's inevitable that this will be over soon.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Jammer25 said:

. I would want her to eventually "get it" as far as adopting a different mentality of prioritizing quality time over just doing her own thing.

Sorry this is happening. She does "get it". In fact in response to your asking for more time together she came up with the "hyper independent" label, which doesn't really describe or relate to this situation whatsoever. 

What's happening seems to be incompatibilities. Sadly you're trying to make it seem like she's wrong for her lifestyle choices, but  she simply doesn't want as much together time as you do. 

Unfortunately there is no set standard of how much together time is "normal" or expected. In this case she has a lot of outside interests and activities that take up her time that she's not willing to give up. 

If you feel frustrated and shut out of the relationship, you may have to reconsider the viability and compatibility.

Please don't resort to more lectures, you've already rehashed this and she prefers her own activities to couple activities with you.  Telling her yet again how it makes you feel will make it seem like an obligation she has. But in fact it's you who's just not happy with her level of together time.

 

Edited July 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

she came up with the "hyper independent" label, which doesn't really describe or relate to this situation whatsoever. 

My thought exactly! Independance has nothing to do with this situation. There are tons of 'hyper independant' people out there capable/willing/needing prioritizing their partner. 

[FMW]

Good relationships require people to be on the same page about things.  It sounds like you're not.  I don't think that necessarily means she isn't interested enough in you, but it does indicate she doesn't see relationships quite the way you do.

My guy and I are old enough to be your parents, but I'll still use our situation as an example.  We are both very independent and very busy with work.  I want and need space to do my own thing (as does he).  I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love him, but I do not want to see him every day or every night.  We are on the same page with how we see the way we think a relationship should be, so it works well.  We truly appreciate our time together (usually 4 days/nights per week).  

Good relationships also require open and honest communication.  Let her know (again) that you want/need more of her attention and see what she does.  If she continues to leave you wanting, then you will have to make a decision on whether you're willing to keep things as they are (it doesn't sound like that's a good choice for you) or unfortunately choose to move on.  

 

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, Jammer25 said:

I get that, but I also don't want to have to reinforce it constantly and have it wear on me feeling like I have to pull teeth. I would want her to eventually "get it" as far as adopting a different mentality of prioritizing quality time over just doing her own thing.

If you even have to feel like you're "pulling teeth" to get her to spend time with you, then she's just not that into you.  You should never have to keep asking someone to make an effort to spend time with you.  This relationship is very unbalanced and it sounds like you are the one who doesn't "get it".  This is who she is.... she is not interested in a very close relationship with a lot of quality time.  It has nothing to do with her past relationships, with her "habits", it is just a reflection of her level of interest in you.  You cannot change that.  You are kidding yourself if you think you can.

 

12 hours ago, Jammer25 said:

I guess the disconnect for me is, she has introduced me into her friend circle and to her family. That doesn't jive with someone who is deliberately keeping distance, so I wonder if it's more of a fault in terms of how she can't bridge the need for more quality time with her sense of independence.

It doesn't matter that you have met her friends and family... that doesn't change the fact that she is not interested in the level of relationship that you are.  Actions speak louder than words.

I'm not sure what you mean by "the need for more quality time".  YOU are the one who needs more quality time in a relationship, not her.  She has shown by her actions that she does not "need" it, at least not with you.  If she wanted or needed it, she would be making it happen.

[Els]

I feel like the issue here isn't independence - it's possible to be independent while still spending enough time with your partner to make them feel valued and loved. Seeing each other 1-2 days a week, at the 6 month point, would honestly be a dealbreaker for me. I don't expect to be joined at the hip, but there's a big middle ground here that is being ignored. IMO, 1-2x/wk falls well within casual dating territory... and that's not a place you expect to be at 6 months.

I don't necessarily feel like introducing you to friends and family means that she's invested in you. I once had an ex that was casual like your gf, but he also introduced me to all his family (and I do mean ALL his family, not just his immediate family!). When I look back at it, I suspect that he did so not because he was invested, but because he might have felt a bit of pressure to have a girlfriend, and it was his way of showing off or "proving something" to them. I'm not saying that this is necessarily the reason why your gf is doing it, but I do want to caution you that there are several possible reasons for it, and not all of them are good.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Els said:

I feel like the issue here isn't independence - it's possible to be independent while still spending enough time with your partner to make them feel valued and loved. Seeing each other 1-2 days a week, at the 6 month point, would honestly be a dealbreaker for me. I don't expect to be joined at the hip, but there's a big middle ground here that is being ignored. IMO, 1-2x/wk falls well within casual dating territory... and that's not a place you expect to be at 6 months.

I don't necessarily feel like introducing you to friends and family means that she's invested in you. I once had an ex that was casual like your gf, but he also introduced me to all his family (and I do mean ALL his family, not just his immediate family!). When I look back at it, I suspect that he did so not because he was invested, but because he might have felt a bit of pressure to have a girlfriend, and it was his way of showing off or "proving something" to them. I'm not saying that this is necessarily the reason why your gf is doing it, but I do want to caution you that there are several possible reasons for it, and not all of them are good.

Time together depends on the situation.  If you live on opposite sides of a large city you might only be realistically bra able to see each other on weekends because getting over to each other can be very very difficult mid week. If they 5-10 min apart it would be different.

[Lotsgoingon]

The hyper independent line is nonsense. What, she's more independent than other people who spend more time with romantic partners?! Puh-lease! Independent—what does it mean to be independent? What other people are babies compared to her? Can you see how preposterous and ridiculous her thinking is!?

You're not standing up for yourself.

Take this line here: It’s not like I’m asking her to just hang out and sit around doing nothing.

Actually, in a good relationship, people can and do just hang out and sit around and do nothing. That's the point of a relationship for a lot of people--somebody I can be around and do nothing with and feel comfortable. Of course, there is no such thing as "doing nothing." You're either talking, watching tv or preparing a meal or one of you is on one end of the sofa reading a magazine and the other is comfortably at the end other reading what they want. There is a lot of activity in doing nothing. Heck, you can go for a spontaneous walk together, drive to the grocery store, play a game together and so on … or just sit around in each other’s company.

Going out on dates and adventures--that's the easy part. You figure out real compatibility and whether you really fit each other by whether you can sit on your butts and feel comfortable and feel great. 

I would replace this "hyper-independent" nonsense with a simple description of her behavior: she keeps distance. Keeping distance is not independent. It’s much more likely to be a trauma reaction. One that she is completely clueless about. Highly independent people can commit to lots of time with their partners. Something went on in her family growing up that she acts this way. The bad news is she is not going to change based on a conversation.

I'd break up with a person like this and I would have broken up much earlier. At two months maybe, I would have bailed.  If I don't feel like the person prioritizes me, then I move on. Period. Don't care about the reason. In my experience, people who keep their distance in relationships have psychological problems. And that's said by someone who used to behave like she is. The really confident women I dated I would figure out early on that I was keeping some kind of distance. And they'd confront me once or just move on. And yes, I had serious psychological problems even though I could hold a job and had friends. The problems would emerge when I tried to get close to someone in a relationship.

One part of says to do an experiment. Avoid taking any initiative for the next week or two and see what happens. Do not initiate ANY calls or texts and instead, go out with some friends. If she contacts you, you say you were out having fun with friends.

 

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

On 7/25/2023 at 8:13 PM, Jammer25 said:

She has admitted that her hyper-independence has been an issue in past relationships, where things were only talked about too late to save it after growing apart.

Well then, she knows that it’s a problem… but, she hasn’t really changed her ways. Take that as the warning sign that it is - 

I say talk with her and tell her what you expect, she will either get on board or she will not - 

 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Els said:

Seeing each other 1-2 days a week, at the 6 month point, would honestly be a dealbreaker for me.

Agree, very much. It’s time to start stepping things up and you shouldn’t feel like you have to have something exciting to do together OP to be worth her time and attention. Long term relationships are all about the little things - cooking a meal for her, shopping together, binge watching a series together, hanging out together… I would expect that she would naturally want to spend more time with you as the relationship progresses… as you said. If that isn’t happening, you have to ask why? 

[FMW]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Avoid taking any initiative for the next week or two and see what happens. Do not initiate ANY calls or texts and instead, go out with some friends.

I think this is a good idea.  If she doesn't seek you out then you have your answer on how important you are to her.

[Els]

19 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Time together depends on the situation.  If you live on opposite sides of a large city you might only be realistically bra able to see each other on weekends because getting over to each other can be very very difficult mid week. If they 5-10 min apart it would be different.

The OP hasn't said anything about how far apart they live. If they're in the same city, it's irrelevant (and yes, I have lived and dated in mega-cities), and if there is long distance travel involved it would be prudent for him to mention this in the opening post.

[smackie9]

She openly admits her past relationships ended for that very reason, so she is aware of the problem but won't do anything about it. You are no different. I went through the same thing...I dumped them. I suggest you do the same thing.

[Kassieee]

As a person who is content and comfortable with not doing everything with a s/o and being told I act single. If you brought that up to me, the relationship would feel stressful to me.

I'm very much one to go with the flow, if I got cancelled on. 

And if I cancel on you and choose to do something else, or something comes up....that's not an indication of how much I like you, at all.

Edited July 27, 2023 by justaskingok