My new gf has her ex's full name tattooed on her butt. It's a huge turn off. What to do?

[CrushedOnIce]

I  saw it the first time we were intimate and I asked who it was. It is the only tattoo on her body, which somehow makes me even more uncomfortable, and has his first and last name with a heart on her upper butt cheek. We’ve only been dating 2 months. I am not sure what to do or if my feelings are normal or I am getting too jealous. I haven’t mentioned it but it’s seriously bothering me. Would this be a dealbreaker for you or would you not even care? Thanks for any feedback. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

I  saw it the first time we were intimate and I asked who it was.  and has his first and last name with a heart 

You're only dating 60 days so if it's a turn off or deal breaker consider letting things end. There's nothing you or she can do about it, so it's a take it or leave it situation.  The only thing she could do is have it modified to something else, maybe with your name eventually?

Edited July 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

I would leave it. 

It tells you she sucks at decision making.

[CrushedOnIce]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're only dating 60 days so if it's a turn off or deal breaker consider letting things end. There's nothing you or she can do about it, so it's a take it or leave it situation.  The only thing she could do is have it modified to something else, maybe with your name eventually?

Although it’s only been around 2 months, I really fell for her so it is hard for me to leave and she is great otherwise. I feel like modifying it would only help maybe 10%, if that, because she let another man leave his imprint on her body, it feels like how can I top that? Sure, it’s jealousy rearing its ugly head….

[CrushedOnIce]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would leave it. 

It tells you she sucks at decision making.

How so? It tells me she was really in love with her ex to the point she was almost like his possession. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

How so? It tells me she was really in love with her ex to the point she was almost like his possession. 

It's something young people do when they're drunk because they don't know better. 

Being like someone's possession is not love, it's emotional dependancy. 

My daughter has 80% of her body tattoed, l have no prejudice against tattoo, even my daughter who's  body is a full canvas would never have a boyfriend's name tattooed on her. 

Why? Because of what you have to go through today.  Love ends, love even turns into hate sometimes, then you're stuck carrying that bad memory on you, it makes your next boyfriend uncomfortable, even makes him doubt he wants to be with you. So yes having the name of a boyfriend on you isn't the best decision.

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

I feel like modifying it would only help maybe 10%,

A good tattoo artist will turn it into something else. They're artists, they see things differently than us. Trust them. She needs an estimate by a reputable tattoo shop. 

[Alpacalia]

If I experience jealousy, it is probably because I am not getting something met from someone that I want. If my needs are being met, no jealousy.

So a tattoo is pretty darn irrelevent.

How old is she? How long ago was the breakup?

Residual emotions for someone from her past may linger within her, whether they are visible on the surface or concealed deep within her heart.

Whatever the history is, the tattoo isn't the meat of the situation.

Do you think you're going to be able to handle seeing his name when you're intimate, since it's on her behind and all. That would be kind of weird.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

, it feels like how can I top that?

If you feel insecure in the relationship, rethink if it's worth continuing.

What if women in the future have a child with someone or some other "permanent reminder" of past relationships?

Definitely work on the jealousy. But don't make her feel bad about it. Tattoo removal and modifications are expensive and not always with good results.

[Gaeta]

38 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

it feels like how can I top that? Sure, it’s jealousy rearing its ugly head….

There are hundreds of ways to make a lasting impact on a woman, and the first one is to treat her right. That's worth much more than a tattoo she will grow to hate with time.

Edited July 26, 2023 by Gaeta

[Ami1uwant]

Have you asked about the tattoo?  Have you asked where your name will go?

[CrushedOnIce]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you feel insecure in the relationship, rethink if it's worth continuing.

What if women in the future have a child with someone or some other "permanent reminder" of past relationships?

Definitely work on the jealousy. But don't make her feel bad about it. Tattoo removal and modifications are expensive and not always with good results.

She is aged 36. Actually, she does have children with another man (not the tattoo). But that doesn’t bother me. Would the tattoo bother most men I wonder?

[Lotsgoingon]

I mean, I'm not really the jealous type, but seeing a gf with a tattoo of an ex on her butt. Uh ... I think that trigger a few things in me.

But you do want to focus on the big picture here. Which is that this woman has terrible decision making. Put bluntly, she can easily apparently make dumb decisions.  She apparently forgot that couples can break up. 

Also, she didn't warn you. That's a red flag. She could have warned you and braced you for this and then explained. At least, I can't tell whether she did that.

Express yourself. No shame in being troubled by this tattoo. No shame at all. It IS bothering you, so any silence on this matter is all fake. If you and she have real potential, you will be able to discuss the tattoo and keep going with you feeling secure. 

Never ignore strong feelings even if the cause seems not a big deal. Talk to her about this. If you can't do that then you guys don't have a serious relationship. 

But to circle back around, the red flag here is that she is clueless that this could bother a man? Maybe you left out some parts of the story to be brief. But if she's got no clue, then you want to get out of this thing early. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

How so? It tells me she was really in love with her ex to the point she was almost like his possession. 

And does this sound healthy to you? 

 

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, CrushedOnIce said:

She is aged 36. Actually, she does have children with another man (not the tattoo). But that doesn’t bother me. Would the tattoo bother most men I wonder?

I am way less arm wavy than you. Gotta say dude, you are making all sorts of unhealthy stories up in your mind about this. 

All that being said - it would bug me. But that she got it but that she hasn't had it removed or altered before dating again.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

Although it’s only been around 2 months, I really fell for her so it is hard for me to leave and she is great otherwise. I feel like modifying it would only help maybe 10%, if that, because she let another man leave his imprint on her body, it feels like how can I top that? Sure, it’s jealousy rearing its ugly head….

You're writing like she had no agency in this!  She didn't let another man leave his imprint - instead she (foolishly) chose to put it there.  And frankly, she should have had it covered up or removed before she started dating again.

Also, you speak like the tattoo is the only thing which matters in a relationship.  If you think you can't top a tattoo which she regrets, then you need to work on your self esteem.  Being with her now would top the tattoo.  A long stable relationship would top the tattoo. Living together happily would top the tattoo.  Getting married would top the tattoo.  Having children together would top the tattoo.  

Here's hoping she hides it

[CrushedOnIce]

40 minutes ago, Mrin said:

I am way less arm wavy than you. Gotta say dude, you are making all sorts of unhealthy stories up in your mind about this. 

All that being said - it would bug me. But that she got it but that she hasn't had it removed or altered before dating again.

I don’t understand what you mean by “arm wavy.” ?? You may be correct that I’m making up all sorts of unhealthy stories in my mind about this. For instance, it doesn’t bother me that she has children with another man. It does bother me that she has the tattoo. 

[CrushedOnIce]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And does this sound healthy to you? 

 

Probably not, but my jealousy and negative reaction to it is probably not healthy either, right? A secure person might not care much at all…right?

[MsJayne]

Now that she's no longer with this guy, she's just got some random guy's name stamped on her and she's looking kinda silly for it, and even if she had it covered the name would still be under there, invisible yet smirking at you every time you looked at her bum. Even if she was still with that guy, getting a partner's name tattooed anywhere on you is highly questionable behaviour which takes a certain lack of wisdom and a good dose of immaturity. You can get tattoos removed, takes a few goes with a laser but it can be done, but that would have to be a voluntary decision on her part, no input from you. For me it would depend on whether the she regretted the tattoo , if she still thinks it's cool that would tell me that she's not the person for me because I would always assume bum tattoo guy was the love of her life and I was second prize. If she doesn't understand that she's not that bright, and that's a worry in itself. Are you sure you're jealous, or is that your gut telling you to have a good think about this?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

 A secure person might not care much at all…right?

I don't necessarily agree with that, no. 

A secure person might just easily look at that tattoo, and realize the woman in question lacks the ability to see around corners or exercise good judgment. It says a lot about her, that isn't great.

It isn't entirely related to jealousy. 

[MsJayne]

8 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

A secure person might not care much at all…right?

How are you supposed to feel secure when some guy's name is on your girlfriends bum? You're not the one being weird in this scenario. She doesn't read the room. 

[CrushedOnIce]

6 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You can get tattoos removed, takes a few goes with a laser but it can be done, but that would have to be a voluntary decision on her part, no input from you. For me it would depend on whether the she regretted the tattoo , if she still thinks it's cool that would tell me that she's not the person for me because I would always assume bum tattoo guy was the love of her life and I was second prize. If she doesn't understand that she's not that bright, and that's a worry in itself. Are you sure you're jealous, or is that your gut telling you to have a good think about this?

Thanks for your input. Laser tattoo removal is not widely available in her area and her financial situation would have made it prohibitive I think. I’m quite an unhealthily jealous person and I know I need to work on it as it’s prevented me from enjoying relationships. That being said, it confuses me in my head when my unhealthy level of jealousy comes up versus when I should genuinely see something as a recent to exit a relationship or step back. My wiring is a bit messed up and even though I was in therapy for 3 years, it still comes up too much. 

[MsJayne]

2 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

Thanks for your input. Laser tattoo removal is not widely available in her area and her financial situation would have made it prohibitive I think. I’m quite an unhealthily jealous person and I know I need to work on it as it’s prevented me from enjoying relationships. That being said, it confuses me in my head when my unhealthy level of jealousy comes up versus when I should genuinely see something as a recent to exit a relationship or step back. My wiring is a bit messed up and even though I was in therapy for 3 years, it still comes up too much. 

OK, so it's understandable that you're questioning whether your reaction to it is unreasonable. It is quite a big thing though, a bit like continuing to wear a wedding ring after the divorce. Years ago I had a BF who had a picture of his ex-wife tattooed on his shoulder, and I didn't like it but just accepted it, (I wasn't jealous but maybe that's because it was a bad tattoo, it made her look like a horse even though she was actually very good-looking in person). Later on I realised that it was just one of the huge indicators that we had different values and weren't for each other. If it makes you feel like there's a third person in the room with you, think hard about that and how it will affect you as the relationship progresses. If you were still together in five years and bum tattoo guy was still there, how would you feel about that? 

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

she let another man leave his imprint on her body,

 

5 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

It tells me she was really in love with her ex to the point she was almost like his possession. 

 

1 hour ago, CrushedOnIce said:

I’m making up all sorts of unhealthy stories in my mind about this.

 

1 hour ago, CrushedOnIce said:

my jealousy and negative reaction to it is probably not healthy either, right? A secure person might not care much at all…right?

Get a grip.

You're acting very immature about this.

You also need to talk to her about your feelings and insecurity on the matter.

At the end of the day, its her body and just a bit of ink.

Just ask her if she would be willing to have a tattooist create something else.

If doing that is not going to change your insecurity then what's the point of continuing the relationship.

[CrushedOnIce]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

 

 

 

Get a grip.

You're acting very immature about this.

You also need to talk to her about your feelings and insecurity on the matter.

At the end of the day, its her body and just a bit of ink.

Just ask her if she would be willing to have a tattooist create something else.

If doing that is not going to change your insecurity then what's the point of continuing the relationship.

You might be right that I’m acting immaturely about this. But fwiw most of the other posters see it differently. So are we all immature and need to get a grip? Or is it just me?