My new gf has her ex's full name tattooed on her butt. It's a huge turn off. What to do?

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

well here romantic relationships between men and women is a bit like in the west before feminism. 

Before feminism women did not live with men if unmarried. It was highly shameful. The man had to court her and be accepted by the partriarcal of the family. 

[Gaeta]

So while we're at it, would you like to share with us those many red flags you mentionned in this thread?

[CrushedOnIce]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So while we're at it, would you like to share with us those many red flags you mentionned in this thread?

Well I’ve mentioned some already, but an uneasy feeling I couldn’t trust her. But because of my own issues I have difficulty trusting people, especially women in general. We were not fully committed and she was chatting with other guys she had dated because she didn’t think I was serious. That upset me a lot and I do trust it stopped after I committed to her and said she was my girlfriend. I’m not free of blame either, I have trouble with commitment and generally find relationships difficult. 

[CrushedOnIce]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Before feminism women did not live with men if unmarried. It was highly shameful. The man had to court her and be accepted by the partriarcal of the family. 

It is somewhat shameful here too although that is changing. But keep in mind she is divorced and has 2 kids already, not a teenager. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

As for my therapist, I think she would say that my choices are problematic. I haven’t been in therapy for over 3 years and am no longer in contact with my therapist.  I have somewhat serious mental imbalance, mood swings, and a history of significant early childhood trauma I haven’t fully gotten over.  But I’ve learned to live with it on my own and have some good friends and a relatively stable financial situation. I’m abstaining from drugs and alcohol right now. 

Does this mean you've had addiction issues in the past with drugs and alcohol? You've mentioned that your behavior has been up and down and you haven't gone back to therapy. Do you consider her tattoo a reminder of something in your past that you'd rather not remember? Are you trying to distract yourself from your own issues by focusing on hers?

And yes, as another member brought up, what are her other red flags?

The woman you are dating is the woman she is because of what she went through to get to you. If you accept her for who she is, then you accept her story. Her having that tattoo doesn't mean she's still in love with her ex, unless of course that's what you're worried about. I don't know, are you? The tattoo has become part of her identity, regardless of what it symbolizes to you.

She may even decide on her own accord, to have it removed. Or, she may not. 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CrushedOnIce said:

 I speak her language fluently, we communicate in it without much trouble, 

Ok, if you can afford it, ask her if she likes it or if she's ever thought of having it removed or modified. If you speak her language fluently, you should be able to have a simple conversation like that.

[CrushedOnIce]

56 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Does this mean you've had addiction issues in the past with drugs and alcohol? You've mentioned that your behavior has been up and down and you haven't gone back to therapy. Do you consider her tattoo a reminder of something in your past that you'd rather not remember? Are you trying to distract yourself from your own issues by focusing on hers?

And

I’ve had issues being abusive in relationships in the past. If her tattoo reminds me of something it’s the feeling of not being special, feeling less than. 

[Gaeta]

52 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

 If her tattoo reminds me of something it’s the feeling of not being special, feeling less than. 

But a tattoo is nothing special, that's what we try to explain to you. Printing the full name of a brief bf on her body is not special it's pretty immature for a woman her age. Why do you give that any value? If she had jumped off of a bridge for a boyfriend how could she top that for you? Stupid stuff should not have any value. 

A man generally feels valued when his lady gives him respect. I think that went out the window when you caught her chatting with other men. I bet if she made you feel special from the get go than that tattoo would be secondary. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CrushedOnIce said:

I’ve had issues being abusive in relationships in the past. 

This was in your past and the tattoo was in her past. It happened before you met her. You can make yourself upset over it or you can try to be happy with her.

[CrushedOnIce]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

. 

A man generally feels valued when his lady gives him respect. I think that went out the window when you caught her chatting with other men. I bet if she made you feel special from the get go than that tattoo would be secondary. 

Yes I think that is exactly it. It made me feel disrespected and not special that she was chatting with other guys, and who she had been in a dating situation with before. She did apologize and ask for me to forgive her then and said it would never happen again, understanding we were now committed. My behavior was also not “good” at that time as I was thinking of leaving and going back to the city where I spend most of my time and also mentioned things like exchanging phone numbers with another girl while we were together. So I was wrong too. But feelings are feelings and I feel angry and disrespected and not special even though I do believe her behavior is adjusted now and we are in a committed relationship. I keep bringing up her past behavior and getting angry and this is destroying our connection. It’s like an obsession which is horrible. Please let me know any further thoughts, I do appreciate them. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

I’ve had issues being abusive in relationships in the past. If her tattoo reminds me of something it’s the feeling of not being special, feeling less than. 

I'm not sure how you'll reconcile that but I do hope that you can move on from it. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you both to talk it out and figure out a solution. Keep in mind that her tattoo is a personal choice that she made before you, but that doesn't mean your feelings are not valid.

I hope you can find a way forward.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

 . I keep bringing up her past behavior and getting angry and this is destroying our connection. It’s like an obsession which is horrible. 

It's good you recognize this as "horrible" and destructive. Now act on sparing you both a lot of pain. Why not address the substance misuse and mental health issues before things get toxic or abusive.

[CrushedOnIce]

I want to say thank you to everyone for the firm thoughtfulness and compassionate responses. This is really a good space, much more insightful and well intentioned than reddit or other forums.  

[Lisa]

Thread closed as question has been thoroughly answered