My new gf has her ex's full name tattooed on her butt. It's a huge turn off. What to do?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

She is aged 36. Actually, she does have children with another man (not the tattoo). But that doesn’t bother me. Would the tattoo bother most men I wonder?

It bothers you. So you can move out if it's upsetting you this much. Otherwise you're going to have to ask what it's about or accept it.

But living under her roof when you perceive her as damaged goods or someone else's "property", it's good for either of you.

. As you know tattoo removal is extremely expensive. She's a single mother. Are you paying rent and expenses to stay there? 

Edited July 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

So are we all immature and need to get a grip?

No, just different values. Some people perceive tattoos as a really cool expression of self, but people like me see them as a sign that the wearer is what's called an "emulator" in marketing speak - that's people who copy what they see, followers. It's much, much more than just a bit of ink. 

[Alpacalia]

OP, she has a right to express herself. Here's the thing, you don't have to like how she chooses to. Anymore so that you may dislike her choice of clothes, or hairstyle.

Sure, an exe's name is difficult or offensive for you, especially considering its location.

The truth is that many individuals have engaged in foolish and regrettable grand romantic gestures at some point in their lives. In this particular case, it is just that this particular gesture happens to be a permanent one.

Edited July 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[BrinnM]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In this particular case, it is just that this particular gesture happens to be a permanent one.

Yes, and this is where the problem with the (poor) decision-making comes in. She’s a mother of 2 kids, and in her mid-thirties.
Unless she really enjoys this tattoo to this very day, we can safely assume that getting this permanent reminder of her ex was ill-advised on her part.

Had she been much younger, this could almost be excused (“young and foolish”, “not thinking it through properly”, etc.), but at her age, I don’t think so, especially if one takes into consideration the body part she chose for this. 
 

[Gaeta]

OP, you need to look at the big picture here. 

Your gf is a mid-30s woman. She is a mother. She is supposed to have gained a bit of experience by now. 

After the father of her children she briefly dates a man that almost 'possesses her' and she inks his name in an intimate part, his full name mind you. 

Then that doesn't work out and she meets you, and she moves you in right away after a couple of weeks dating. You have not answered yet if her children live under her roof. If yes, be ready this thread will get very long.

Then you mention here numerous red flags are appearing.

You said you were in therapy 3 years. Do you wonder what your therapist would say about your choice and decision? Did you stick to therapy to then throw every commun sense out the window. 

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Yes, and this is where the problem with the (poor) decision-making comes in. She’s a mother of 2 kids, and in her mid-thirties.
Unless she really enjoys this tattoo to this very day, we can safely assume that getting this permanent reminder of her ex was ill-advised on her part.

Had she been much younger, this could almost be excused (“young and foolish”, “not thinking it through properly”, etc.), but at her age, I don’t think so, especially if one takes into consideration the body part she chose for this. 
 

Brinn, I won't go into debating poor decision making.

I've seen it on these boards with people that cheat or engage in affairs with married people. Where in those cases, their actions actually hurt and affect another person.

OP didn't lead in his opening thread with anything about living together after two months just about her having a tattoo of her ex's name.

To which again I ask, if it is concerning for him, why did he choose to move in to her place?

That's not exactly smart decision making on his part either.

[Kassieee]

Maybe she had a moment of insanity after things ended with her children's father when she got that tattoo.

Yeah her tattoo is permanent, but the feelings for him are not. 

[BrinnM]

59 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That's not exactly smart decision making on his part either.

It’s not, I agree. But she has her children to consider, too, which is totally on her. He makes his own decisions, she makes hers, plus her kids’. But yeah, we don’t have to talk about decision making skills, if that’s considered off-topic. 

[introverted1]

On 7/25/2023 at 9:59 PM, CrushedOnIce said:

I  saw it the first time we were intimate and I asked who it was. It is the only tattoo on her body, which somehow makes me even more uncomfortable, and has his first and last name with a heart on her upper butt cheek. 

Am I the only one who thinks first and last name is weird?  Like does she know so many men with that same first name she had to add the last name to clarify which one? 

Anyway, OP, count me in the "bad judgement" camp.  I do think you need to discuss it with her.  And probably discuss the other red flags you've alluded to.  Are you sure this is the woman for you? 

 

[JTSW]

Allot of people are jumping on this woman for her 'bad decision' or 'bad choices'.

She was with a guy she was clearly crazy about at the time and got his name tattooed.

Maybe it was a drunken whim, maybe not.

There is nothing wrong with tattooing the name of someone you cared about.

She hasn't committed a crime and she shouldn't be criticised for it.

She hasn't done anything wrong.

@CrushedOnIce it's been a couple days now. Have you had a chat with her about it?

or are you still stewing?

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Yeah her tattoo is permanent

It's not.

There is laser treatment to remove or she could have it created into something else.

[CrushedOnIce]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

OP, you need to look at the big picture here. 

Your gf is a mid-30s woman. She is a mother. She is supposed to have gained a bit of experience by now. 

After the father of her children she briefly dates a man that almost 'possesses her' and she inks his name in an intimate part, his full name mind you. 

Then that doesn't work out and she meets you, and she moves you in right away after a couple of weeks dating. You have not answered yet if her children live under her roof. If yes, be ready this thread will get very long.

Then you mention here numerous red flags are appearing.

You said you were in therapy 3 years. Do you wonder what your therapist would say about your choice and decision? Did you stick to therapy to then throw every commun sense out the window. 

Thank you for the firm yet compassionate reply. Her children don’t live with her, one lives with their grandparents and the other with the father’s family in the countryside (I live in a developing country in Asia, this is somewhat common here). I went and visited her family in the countryside one weekend. They seemed very nice. Yes I help with rent and expenses, which she needs. She is financially dependent on me, which I know is something else commenters will find poor decision making on my end after such a short time. I don’t necessarily disagree except to say it is quite common here, and I am a foreigner (US/UK originally) so this is basically expected.

As for my therapist, I think she would say that my choices are problematic. I haven’t been in therapy for over 3 years and am no longer in contact with my therapist.  I have somewhat serious mental imbalance, mood swings, and a history of significant early childhood trauma I haven’t fully gotten over.  But I’ve learned to live with it on my own and have some good friends and a relatively stable financial situation. I’m abstaining from drugs and alcohol right now. 
 

Thank you again. I’m glad to hear any further feedback or criticism etc. 

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

Thank you for the firm yet compassionate reply. Her children don’t live with her, one lives with their grandparents and the other with the father’s family in the countryside (I live in a developing country in Asia, this is somewhat common here). I went and visited her family in the countryside one weekend. They seemed very nice. Yes I help with rent and expenses, which she needs. She is financially dependent on me, which I know is something else commenters will find poor decision making on my end after such a short time. I don’t necessarily disagree except to say it is quite common here, and I am a foreigner (US/UK originally) so this is basically expected.

As for my therapist, I think she would say that my choices are problematic. I haven’t been in therapy for over 3 years and am no longer in contact with my therapist.  I have somewhat serious mental imbalance, mood swings, and a history of significant early childhood trauma I haven’t fully gotten over.  But I’ve learned to live with it on my own and have some good friends and a relatively stable financial situation. I’m abstaining from drugs and alcohol right now. 
 

Thank you again. I’m glad to hear any further feedback or criticism etc. 

This is very reminiscent of a woman that posted not too long ago on here about getting pregnant with a man from the US and she has children living overseas with her family.

I'm wondering if the two threads are related?

 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

This is very reminiscent of a woman that posted not too long ago on here about getting pregnant with a man from the US and she has children living overseas with her family.

I'm wondering if the two threads are related?

 

I know that post. 

She is pregnant and over the moon yet he doesn't work.

[CrushedOnIce]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

This is very reminiscent of a woman that posted not too long ago on here about getting pregnant with a man from the US and she has children living overseas with her family.

I'm wondering if the two threads are related?

 

Not related, that’s not me and my girlfriend doesn’t speak English so she wouldn’t post here. 

[glows]

Unfortunate.. I’m heavily tattooed but no names and no portraits. Since it’s only 2 months yes you’re being a little irrationally jealous and territorial. It’s good you recognize that. 

Id be looking at compatibility in the big picture. Do your lifestyles match, intellectual pursuits, what you do in your free time and your respective schedules?

It’s her body and her butt. Not yours. Keep telling yourself that.

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

Not related, that’s not me and my girlfriend doesn’t speak English so she wouldn’t post here. 

Thank you for clarifying.

Did she ask you to move in? Why the need to cohabitate after two months of dating? 

I'm just wondering the reason for the focus on this tattoo as opposed to everything else you've described.

Edited July 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alvi]

A funny story. A had da date with a guy few years back. I asked him over a cup of coffee if he had any tattoos on his body. He fessed up that he had a name of his ex-wife tattooed on his bottom.  We had a good time and apparently a great deal in common. I agreed to go to have a second date with him, but when I went home and thought about it some more, I realized that tattoo on his butt of his ex would be a dealbreaker for me. He was dating some other women since his divorce and apparently it wasn't a big deal for them. But who knew, for me it was apparently new and unchartered territory what I didn't have a desire to cross. I am dating a guy now (also divorced) who has no reminder of his ex anywhere on his body and it works just fine for me. So, I would suggest moving on if it bothers you. 

It's only been a few month after all. I am surprised she expects you to support her at this point. Unless you are looking for a sugarbaby, this is not going to work in a long run. 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Alvi

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CrushedOnIce said:

 my girlfriend doesn’t speak English 

This explains a lot. You seem to have cultural and language barriers. You'll have to ask her what it's about. Maybe it's a different thing in her culture than yours.

[Alpacalia]

41 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Unless you are looking for a sugarbaby, this is not going to work in a long run. 

Agree.

It is difficult to think of a situation where living with a woman after two months of dating and supporting her financially is in his best interest otherwise.

Then again, when we're in love, sometimes we do silly things.

 

 

 

[CrushedOnIce]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Thank you for clarifying.

Did she ask you to move in? Why the need to cohabitate after two months of dating? 

I'm just wondering the reason for the focus on this tattoo as opposed to everything else you've described.

It’s a new city so I would have had to pay for a hotel otherwise, I’m sort of a “digital nomad” working online from wherever I am geographically. The financial support here in Southeast Asia is super common, it is basically the way things are done, kind of like 1950s era but not exactly…but that doesn’t mean it’s a recipe for success. 

Edited July 27, 2023 by CrushedOnIce

[CrushedOnIce]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This explains a lot. You seem to have cultural and language barriers. You'll have to ask her what it's about. Maybe it's a different thing in her culture than yours.

Not so much I reckon. I speak her language fluently, we communicate in it without much trouble, sometimes a word or two escapes me but I usually look it up. As for culture, well here romantic relationships between men and women is a bit like in the west before feminism. 

[Sony12]

9 minutes ago, CrushedOnIce said:

 As for culture, well here romantic relationships between men and women is a bit like in the west before feminism. 

In other words a little more old fashioned? 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, CrushedOnIce said:

Her children don’t live with her, one lives with their grandparents and the other with the father’s family

Is this also commun in her country?

[CrushedOnIce]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Is this also commun in her country?

Yes, but not necessarily so well viewed by everyone. However it’s a necessity for some people since there is one large city/economic hub in the country where many people come from the rest of the country to find work. Her job is an office worker at an insurance company and her salary is low despite being a university graduate, if you find that relevant