I think I'm in an abusive relationship!

[TheDovic]

Hi everyone,

Not sure what I want from writing this. Maybe it's just to vent, maybe it's to put my thoughts out in order to clarify them, or maybe it's to make sure I'm not crazy or making things up in my head!

 

I'm a 40 year old male, married with 3 kids. One stepdaughter aged 15, and two of my own aged 3 and one aged 8 months. My marriage is not good, and hasn't been for a long time. My main issues are:

• My wife criticises me constantly. She picks on how I look, what clothes I wear, what I eat, how I eat, the noises I make when I breathe, what time I go to bed at...the list goes on and on.

• She makes comments about how she's more attractive and looks younger than me.

• She calls me lazy because I don't do as much housework as her, even though I work 25 hours more than her per week. I do pull my weight but don't think I should have to do as much as her because she has so much more free time than me i.e. going out with friends, going to the gym, watching every show on Netflix.

• She's always in a bad mood. Like always, and within this she ignores me, sometimes ignores the kids, even when the baby is crying. Nothing placates her, and she constantly plays the victim.

• We have no intimacy whatsoever. She even jokingly shudders when I go near her.

• I earn 5 times as much as she does, so as soon as she moved in I insisted on a joint bank account so there was no issue with money. However, now she is claiming I did this as a measure of controlling her, even though I have never once made an issue about money. 

 

Writing all of this I can see how people will read this and think I'm an idiot. I do see the writing on the wall, but I can't be away from my kids. I love them so much and am worried about her being alone with them!

Thanks to anyone who took time to read this! ❤️

[JTSW]

First, create a separate bank account and move your money in there so she cannot clean you out.

She is showing a hell of allot of hatred toward you.

Sound to me like she is trying to get you to leave her by abusing you.

Would she have anything to gain if you left the marriage?

 

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, TheDovic said:

Im a 40 year old male, married with 3 kids. One stepdaughter aged 15, and two of my own aged 3 and one aged 8 months. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like your household is full of emotional and logistical stress. But abuse is a strong word for chronic bickering, rancor resentment and complaining 

 Obviously you both think the other should be doing more housework and childcare with growing arguments and resentment building up around this. The lack of intimacy is clearly due to marital discord, not to mention a newborn.

There are a lot of children in the house and a newborn. Are the 3 children your children together? Or are any of them yours from a previous relationship?

It seems like you two are not well adjusted to all the extra work of all these children. If you are making 5 x what she makes, why aren't you hiring nannies and household help you ease some of your stress?

Please suggest marriage counseling. If you are legally married, you have joint assets legally and you can not hide or withhold marital assets as punishment.

Marriage counseling could help you get professional neutral guidance and support and start working on a more manageable household and childcare plan as well as communication skills.

 

Edited July 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Are the 3 children your children together? 

It says in his post that the oldest is his stepchild and the 2 younger ones are his with her.

[TheDovic]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

"Would she have anything to gain if you left the marriage?"

Not really. She would be entitled to money for the kids, but she would definitely be a lot worse financially. I don't get a sense she's cheating on me either.

To be honest, I was warned this was what she is like from friends who knew her previous partners. I just think my wife is a chronically unhappy person who deals with this through anger, whether that be outward or through being passive aggressive. She's been like this since I've known her, but it's definitely intensified over the past few years.

My wife also has little to no resilience, so I wonder if she can't cope with the kids. She seems to really love them, and she is a good mom most of the time, but she can shut off completely when stressed, and will completely ignore them. Even if they are overwhelmed.

I can understand why she is how she is, but I'm really struggling with the constant atmosphere and chipping away at me. I've had to be the stable person in our family for so long, and I don't know how long I can continue to be when I'm being treated like this.

Thanks so much for the reply.

 

[S2B]

Why did her first marriage end?

see an attorney and find out what happens when you decide to divorce her.

the home should be your safe place/happy place.

your situation sounds like it’s anything but happy. Life is way too short to live each day this way. 

[Weezy1973]

Why did you choose to marry her and start a family with her? I’d say you made a bad choice given you knew what you were getting into. It’s really hard because of the kids. Neglect is a form of child abuse and it sounds like that’s what she’s doing. If you can make a case for that, it’s possible you would get custody.

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, TheDovic said:

I was warned this was what she is like from friends who knew her previous partners.

 

17 hours ago, TheDovic said:

My wife also has little to no resilience, so I wonder if she can't cope with the kids. she can shut off completely when stressed, and will completely ignore them. Even if they are overwhelmed.

If this is how she has always been then she needs psychological help.

She is a danger to the children, especially the baby when it's crying and she is ignoring it.

It's child abuse and will only get worse over time.

Something could happen to the poor thing when she is ignoring it. 

You can't just sit back and hope for the best. It doesn't work like that.

Speak with an attorney and find out what options you have regarding custody.

Create that bank account like a suggested and move your money.

 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like the love’s definitely left the room, now there’s just money and two children to worry about. I’d quietly go see a solicitor and get advice, and get my ducks in a row for a go at custody of the children when the time comes. If you earn a good income maybe you could afford a live-in nanny as it sounds like the babies might be safer.