Still living together, Are these signs our relationship could reconcile?

[Frank White]

M38 F34

All these signals came about after I told her that I accepted the break up and stopped reaching out.

I know some will be trivial but I'm finding it hard to detach and work on myself when they keep popping up and I don't want to have blind faith 

Note: she has never played games when together 

------------

Insistent on cooking dinners and cleaning clothes for me while I work 

Relationship status still engaged on social media

Buying food specifically for me 

Flirted days after I told her I accept it's over

We have about 15 cups usually in regular rotation. Since break up she is using our personalised cups with photos of us.

Gives me the other photo cup when making coffee for me

Started physical touch with no context after a month of none

Has been referring to the bedroom as our room 

Rushing to open the door before I can get key in

Some prolonged eye contact and attraction body language 

Now playing soppy songs about getting back together as opposed to independent women break up music last month 

Over use of smiley faces in conversation

Curious about my therapy and asking will I be going back

Blowing hot and cold, suffering anxiety and stress with me selfishly hoping she is having doubts about the situation 

Her aunty who she is very close to has twice randomly sent me media relating to positive relationship traits of my star sign 

 

There are tons of other little trivial ones, and ones I'm definitely thinking into existence in my favour 

 

Note: we broke up due to slowly drifting over time with bad communication and my depression sometimes giving me toxic traits 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Frank White said:

Has been referring to the bedroom as our room 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been living together? Are there children together or from previous relationships?

What was the breakup about? Are you living as roommates or a couple?  What were the arguments about?

Whose place is it? Yours, hers or do you co-own or co-lease? 

Are both of you working?  Are there economic reasons you're staying together? Or are you hoping it's just a phase after an argument?

[Frank White]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been living together? Are there children together or from previous relationships?

What was the breakup about? Are you living as roommates or a couple?  What were the arguments about?

Whose place is it? Yours, hers or do you co-own or co-lease? 

Are both of you working?  Are there economic reasons you're staying together? Or are you hoping it's just a phase after an argument?

Hi thanks for the reply.

Living together 4 years co leasing, 2 young kids together (she refers to it as "our" room even privately to me, if that's the angle you're seeing regarding the kids not knowing)

Yes we sleep seperate. One kid at the age that one of us still take him to bed, so that dynamic isn't awkward or an issue at this moment

I work, she's home for the kids 

Reason for break up as I see is lack of communication, drifting over time, the pressures of having kids ( we previously agreed we only ever argued when it came to the kids being a handful) arguing alot which made her feel unwanted 

On top of this I suffer bouts of depression 

We both love each other but lost our spark and connection. 

I was miserable she was miserable but I had hope it would get better with the kids getting older

She had been building up to the break up for months, I was blind sided overnight.

Of course I'm hoping it's just a phase because getting this smack of reality in the face has made me wake up and realise I love her and have already taken steps to be the best version of myself 

 

 

[S2B]

It would be interesting to know how the relationship would work out if she was working full time.

she is completely dependent on you. So she has to kiss the ground you walk on because she hasn’t given herself other options.

have her work full time then see if she still treats you well. Right now she is being nice because she knows she has to.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Frank White said:

 made me wake up and realise I love her and have already taken steps to be the best version of myself.

You're still living as a family, so there's nothing to "reconcile". What you're describing is a loss of intimacy and emotional connection otherwise referred to as "the roommate zone".

How old are the children and why are they co-sleeping with one parent? Is this new or customary in your culture or is it to avoid sex because of other marital discord?

You're taking the right steps trying to manage your physical and mental health better.

Since she is a sahm, is she bored? Do you two go out on dates? Get babysitters c get any adult alone time? It seems like with some work and changes and better communication things could work out.

However you both have to get out of the mom and dad rut and start rekindling your romantic relationship as it was before the kids.

[Frank White]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

 

have her work full time then see if she still treats you well. Right now she is being nice because she knows she has to.

Thanks for the reply. I have to disagree with this because when the break up was fresh and I tried to push for resolve, she said we will have to live seperate at some point 

[Frank White]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're still living as a family, so there's nothing to "reconcile". What you're describing is a loss of intimacy and emotional connection otherwise referred to as "the roommate zone".

How old are the children and why are they co-sleeping with one parent? Is this new or customary in your culture or is it to avoid sex because of other marital discord?

You're taking the right steps trying to manage your physical and mental health better.

Since she is a sahm, is she bored? Do you two go out on dates? Get babysitters c get any adult alone time? It seems like with some work and changes and better communication things could work out.

However you both have to get out of the mom and dad rut and start rekindling your romantic relationship as it was before the kids.

Thank you 

I mean reconcile and reconnect before it gets to the point that we have to live seperate

The children are 4 and 2. We had previously eased one to sleep and then join each other in bed. And then sometimes during the night the my son would wake up and either of us would go in and just end up sleeping with him out of exhaustion.

When we get babysitters (kids away with grandparents) we would usually prefer sprawling out with each other and enjoying the peace over going out socially 

we have be been getting on much better since the 'break up' and I have made genuine steps. But I fear in her eyes it's too little too late and that maybe she has too much pride to go against her decision

I have given her the break up, and by that I mean accepted it's over, I'm moving forward but mentally not moving on, and it's especially hard to do when I have all these signals 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Frank White

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I see some mixed feelings about the break up and Yes------Definitely could reconcile.  Go slow right now.🥰

Edited July 27, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Frank White]

11 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I see some mixed feelings about the break up and Yes------Definitely could reconcile.  Go slow right now.🥰

Thanks for the positive words 🙂 I had previously posted same topic and reddit and was told by someone that they see no significant signs in there 😅

[basil67]

Signs are nothing because it's so easy to see what you want to see.  Frankly, I read your signs and see a whole lot of nothing.   All in all, verbal communication is where the meaning is.  If she hasn't expressed doubts over her decision, there's nothing to work with.  

You wrote >>Reason for break up as I see is lack of communication, drifting over time, the pressures of having kids ( we previously agreed we only ever argued when it came to the kids being a handful) arguing alot which made her feel unwanted<< .  What does SHE say is the reason for breakup?   When you say that you were arguing because the kids were a handful, what were you actually arguing about?  Were your arguments every disrespectful with one or both of you using raised voices and/or being unkind to the other?  

 

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by basil67

[Frank White]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Signs are nothing because it's so easy to see what you want to see.  Frankly, I read your signs and see a whole lot of nothing.   All in all, verbal communication is where the meaning is.  If she hasn't expressed doubts over her decision, there's nothing to work with.  

You wrote >>Reason for break up as I see is lack of communication, drifting over time, the pressures of having kids ( we previously agreed we only ever argued when it came to the kids being a handful) arguing alot which made her feel unwanted<< .  What does SHE say is the reason for breakup?   When you say that you were arguing because the kids were a handful, what were you actually arguing about?  Were your arguments every disrespectful with one or both of you using raised voices and/or being unkind to the other?  

 

 

Not so much unkind, just both highly frustrated and moody to each other 

I see them as signs because there is a stark contrast and change about the house 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Frank White

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Frank White said:

I have given her the break up, and by that I mean accepted it's over, I'm moving forward but mentally not moving on.

So you are checked out of the relationship and hope it gets better? It's unclear what exactly you're hoping for. Repairing the relationship or moving out. Because you seem to have given up hope.

[Frank White]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you are checked out of the relationship and hope it gets better? It's unclear what exactly you're hoping for. Repairing the relationship or moving out. Because you seem to have given up hope.

In a nutshell, I'm trying to mentally let go and prepare for worst case scenario, in the hope that things get better. But as I say, signals having been appearing since I told her I accept her decision and stopped reaching out to try fix. 

I guess I'm trying to let time do its thing while I work on me 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Frank White said:

, I'm trying to mentally let go and prepare for worst case scenario, in the hope that things get better. 

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding. You're hoping it gets better by checking out and making matters worse and tuning her out and giving up? 

[Frank White]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding. You're hoping it gets better by checking out and making matters worse and tuning her out and giving up? 

Not checking out, I'm giving her space. She wanted the break up so IMO it will do more harm to our chances if I try reach out. It will push her away further

 

[JTSW]

Personally I don't see what you're seeing.

If you really want to know what's going on then she is the one to talk to about it.

Tell her you're noticing changes in her and ask if it means anything.

She is the only one who can answer this with certainty.

We don't know her and it's hard to determine what she is thinking just because she is being nice to you.

I think she is just trying to keep you sweet so she can stay in the house.

If she tells you it's truly over then one of you has to make the move to move on.

[Frank White]

14 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Personally I don't see what you're seeing.

If you really want to know what's going on then she is the one to talk to about it.

Tell her you're noticing changes in her and ask if it means anything.

She is the only one who can answer this with certainty.

We don't know her and it's hard to determine what she is thinking just because she is being nice to you.

I think she is just trying to keep you sweet so she can stay in the house.

If she tells you it's truly over then one of you has to make the move to move on.

Thank you

Obviously you don't know her and you're not in the environment.

But everything I've listed came as a stark contrast shift. Meaning I came home from work one day and something was noticeably different in the air 

A lot trivial yes, but IMO way too much there to not hold weight and not just be a coincidence 

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by Frank White

[JTSW]

15 minutes ago, Frank White said:

She wanted the break up so IMO it will do more harm to our chances if I try reach out. It will push her away further

Whether you like it or not, one of you has to make a move to separate.

You need to communicate with each other for the sake of the children.

[JTSW]

10 minutes ago, Frank White said:

Thank you

Obviously you don't know her and you're not in the environment.

But everything I've listed came as a stark contrast shift. Meaning I came home from work one day and something was noticeably different in the air 

A lot trivial yes, but IMO way too much there to not hold weight and not just be a coincidence 

 

Then talk to her about it.

What good is guessing going to do?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Frank White said:

: we broke up due to slowly drifting over time with bad communication and my depression sometimes giving me toxic traits.

Do you want to break up your family? Unfortunately your strategy to prevent the breakup is the same as what caused the breakup. Being withdrawn depressed and not taking care of that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Frank White said:

Not so much unkind, just both highly frustrated and moody to each other 

So, to rephrase, what exactly are each of you doing in relation to the child's behaviour which causes frustration and bad moods instead of working as a team?  Why do you frustrate her and make her moody. And what does she do which frustrates you and makes you moody?  

And given that I'm only getting half answers from you, I wonder if your partner also complains that she can't understand what you're thinking

Quote

I see them as signs because there is a stark contrast and change about the house 

Again, signs mean nothing.  If you can't communicate openly about what you're seeing or feeling, then the relationship is stuffed.

[Frank White]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want to break up your family? Unfortunately your strategy to prevent the breakup is the same as what caused the breakup. Being withdrawn depressed and not taking care of that.

No I do not want to break up the family.

On the contrary I'm not been withdrawn and depressed. We have leveled out and conversation is flowing. I have started therapy for my depression 

[JTSW]

Are you going to talk to her about it?

Because you really have no other option.

[Frank White]

22 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Are you going to talk to her about it?

Because you really have no other option.

Yes when timing is right.

Right now I need to work on me and give space 

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, Frank White said:

Yes when timing is right.

Right now I need to work on me and give space 

Maybe in the meantime you could tell her she doesn't need to do your laundry and grocery shopping.

If you need to work on yourself then she has to stop doing those things for you.