Girlfriend contacted exes, did video sex chat, I am not blameless, I don't know how to move forward

[ConfusedNWorking]

 

About 10 weeks ago I met a woman in a new city on an app. We got together right away, the first night, and since I was staying in a hotel in a city/country I don’t live in she invited me to stay at her room immediately (I am M age 35, she is 32). We got closer over the weeks and I’ve been living with her  but about 4 weeks into it I found out she was talking to guys she dated previously in a somewhat sexual manner and when we got into a fight, I found out she set up a tentative meeting with one of them. I became very angry and around that time I felt like I was committed to her. 

 

I had quite fallen in love at that point and this hadn’t happened to me in several years and so I was scared. Actually I have borderline personality disorder and one of the symptoms is fear of engulfment, which came out in this, through me making allusions to leaving soon and mentioning meeting other women as I have a somewhat promiscuous MO. It’s like the feeling I wanted to run away and get close at the same time. If you haven’t experienced this, it’s quite unsettling. 

 

She also has done video sex chat in the last year with up to 20 men (before meeting me) but claims she only slept with those 2 who I discovered she had contacted her, which I believe 50/50 as she had talked about those 2 before I found out she was still contact. The video sex chat ones, which are before we met, are overseas, she claims. 

 

She apologized and said this would never happen again, once she saw I was committed to her. I mostly believe this to be true. Since that time we have worked in reconciling and I can say we are “boyfriend “ and “girlfriend “ now. However, I cannot get her behavior out of my mind (both the way she contacted the other men and the video sex chat) and I am having a hard time moving forward. 

 

Actually my behavior is quite juvenile I know - I want her to do things to make me feel more special than anyone else before, such as sexual acts with me she never did with others (I saw some of the chats on her phone I shouldn’t have). 

 

I am not saying my behavior is correct or that I am blameless. But my mind keeps going back to her behavior and I get angry and obsessively blame her. I would say also that we are both rather jealous people. 

 

We have talked about her moving back to live with me in my city but I have a hard time forgiving her as I have always had a hard time forgiving people I am close to. 

 

I tried to write this in a way where readers can see that I am responsible also, but I am not sure how I can move past this. 

 

I am wondering if anyone has any tips other than ad hominem insulting me or just telling me to grow up. Do you think we can salvage this and how so? I suppose I should add that the sex is some of the best I ever had and our physical n relationship is really good. I also like her personality.  Help please. 

Edited July 26, 2023 by ConfusedNWorking

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, ConfusedNWorking said:

, the first night, and since I was staying in a hotel in a city/country I don’t live in she invited me to stay at her room immediately. I also like her personality.  

How much did you know about her before you moved in? You need to move out into a motel or back to your city.

Clearly this was way too much too soon.  Is this her profession? You "like" her? That is really not enough to build anything together especially since you barely know each other. 

[Gaeta]

You are strangers to each other and you jumped into living together. The first thing she does to impress you is contact an ex to set up a sex video, while you already started living together. From there why would want a person like this in your life?

To salvage something you need first to have *something*. You have 2 months, you don't save 2 months when someone betray you, you move on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Is this woman an escort, OP? Is she being paid to do cam shows? I mean both of those questions quite seriously. Based on what you have said, there are some indicators for sex work. 

Either way, you need to get away from her. You two are practically strangers and should not be living together, let alone even seeing each other anymore. You are not approaching life in a stable, healthy manner and you are on self-destruct mode. You are behaving quite impulsively and recklessly and the consequences of your choices have landed you where you are now. 

12 hours ago, ConfusedNWorking said:

Do you think we can salvage this and how so?

Nope, not a chance. 

[JTSW]

So you literally jumped into living with her the day you met? 

What? 

You don't even know each other at all.

It's only been 2 months and you're already having these issues.

This is all a recipe for disaster.

All you're thinking about is the good sex.

This isn't going to work.

[basil67]

You say you met her on an app.  Was it a paid sex related app?  

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, ConfusedNWorking said:

  - I want her to do things to make me feel more special than anyone else before, such as sexual acts with me she never did with others 

Unfortunately it seems like she's a sex worker and you came across her work portfolio.

[JTSW]

OP, I feel there is allot you are deliberately not disclosing here.

You mention you met her on an app but don't say what kind of app.

I am assuming that this was a hook-up or sex app.

Because the sex was so good you became hooked and caught feelings very quickly.

She continued with the app work and you flipped out.

It doesn't sound like you and her were exclusive in anyway.

Have you been paying her for and services to you?

[Sony12]

Having sex chat with up to twenty men definitely sounds like something she is likely getting paid to do. I could see someone having sex chat with one or maybe two people just because they enjoyed talking about sex with them. But twenty? Nah. That's work at that point.

Edited July 27, 2023 by Sony12

[ConfusedNWorking]

11 hours ago, JTSW said:

OP, I feel there is allot you are deliberately not disclosing here.

You mention you met her on an app but don't say what kind of app.

I am assuming that this was a hook-up or sex app.

Because the sex was so good you became hooked and caught feelings very quickly.

She continued with the app work and you flipped out.

It doesn't sound like you and her were exclusive in anyway.

Have you been paying her for and services to you?

I met her on Tinder. Haven’t paid her directly but I pay the rent, take her to meals, and have given her a bit of money. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, ConfusedNWorking said:

I met her on Tinder. Haven’t paid her directly but I pay the rent, take her to meals, and have given her a bit of money. 

Is this girl a hooker?  No decent woman let's a guy pay for her rent and give her money unless they are exclusive, and even then only during an extreme hardship.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, ConfusedNWorking said:

I met her on Tinder. Haven’t paid her directly but I pay the rent, take her to meals, and have given her a bit of money. 

Seems like an escort or sugar daddy situation, meaning those videos is how she makes a living. 

[glows]

What do you mean sharing a room? Is this a shared roommate situation with multiple people in one home? Who owns the place? 

Why not date exclusively and visit one another? Don’t stay with her if you are judgmental of her past.