Get Married or Let Her Go?

[semble]

When I met her, my girlfriend had a cat too, and she was getting towards the end of her apartment lease. I don't like cats all that much. We tried the cat and her 2 dogs in my house for a weekend- but because the cat couldn't be contained behind a series of gates and had full access to the house, and was scratching and clawing at furniture and the carpet, it was a dealbreaker prior to her moving in with me.

My girlfriend re-homed the cat. She is respectful of my wishes about the dogs and they remain contained. If the dogs became a huge problem, re-homing them isn't off the table, we've discussed it and she gets close to tears and I would not make her do this- but she would be willing to, that's the point.

The disrespect and the lack of flexibility on the part of your girlfriend/future wife would be a complete dealbreaker.

And you'd be on the hook for $22,000x TWO?? That's as much as $400,000 if she turns around soon after the marriage and says she wants out. It happens.

She thinks 3 months together is enough to know someone??

She disrespected you by bringing the cat upstairs and basically saying live with it?? Sure sign of what's to come.

No freaking way. It would be a hard pass for me and if you don't do the same you will surely regret this. 

No matter what- if she refuses to sign an iron clad prenup (not that there really is such thing but get as close as you can) do NOT do this. Her hesitation is bad enough, and again- my girlfriend was the one who said we need to do a prenup to protect both of us. You both need separate legal representation for the prenup or it won't hold up if challenged.

Hopefully you can use our similar situation and differences as something you can really compare and choose your dealbreakers- I see many of them in your case.

Edited July 28, 2023 by semble

[semble]

 I want to focus on these two things. They're almost as bad, if not worse than her disrespecting your wishes and bringing the cat upstairs and basically telling you to deal with it.

She is very much an all or nothing type of woman.  She said if she leaves, she will never come back and won't have any type of relationship or friendship with me. 

Contrast that with my situation- my girlfriend told me months ago- she'd be ok with, if I don't want to marry, then she'd move back home to her country and we'll do the long distance thing and visit each other for a few months at a time in each country, even though it's not ideal, we'll try to make it work. It would have sucked, and I doubt we would have stayed together (although some long distance couples do) but it's the point- she's willing to do it.

since she moved in our relationship has been very rocky. 

My girlfriend moved in with me 4 months ago It's been great. We rarely argue and when we do we work it out almost immediately and we're stronger for it having resolved the issue that led to conflict.

Are you resolving things? Or just sort of shutting up and accepting you can't do anything about it because that's how she is..This should be the honeymoon stage, the best part of the relationship. If it's bad now.. it's not likely to improve, rather it will probably get a whole lot worse. You're putting up with a LOT, and once you're married your girlfriend has no incentive to be nice... and she's not doing such a great job of it right now.

 

 

[glows]

I’m sorry you’re in this predicament. Frankly I’m not quite sure how this person supports the thought that you’re “picky” in your women. She’s very near scraping the bottom of the barrel and sadly (to me) seems parasitic. The only pluses with her is it appears she’s not a drug addict/addiction issues. You don’t know that and may find out later she does have poor impulse control or does have addiction issues whether gambling or being a spendthrift since she’s not even supporting herself. Everything else about her has practically no advantages. To add to this you both appear to even argue or have conflicts.

This is not a great situation she’s put you in and what she’s asking is fairly unreasonable in regards to marriage within less than a year. It’s an ultimatum in other words. I can understand you’re feeling torn but no, from the outset and as a third party looking in, it appears instead that your standards are very low where beauty/looks appears quite high on your priorities and may be a major downfall/cause you tremendous grief in the long term.

[Will am I]

All things considered, there seem to be too many red flags.

I do sympathize with OP when he says his girlfriend is a lovely person and I’d be cautiously open to the idea that she’s really in love and she’s not a gold digger on a quest for a visa.

But the downsides and warning signals are numerous.

Different characters.

A man who loves a tidy home vs a women with a young child.

A man who doesn’t have children vs a woman who does. Would it be your choice to have children, even if the circumstances didn’t throw a child into your life?

Potentially different expectations with respect to gender roles. It seems clear that this woman has only the ambition to be a full time mom and homemaker. I don’t know which country she is natively from but this could be a cultural difference. What if you could draw your perfect spouse on a blank sheet of paper, would she also be like that?Would she be a career woman? Something in the middle?

And last but not least, the anxiety you feel when considering marriage. “you know in your body”.

Finally there is the “alternate reality” where she primarily is after a visa and a provider and she’s only being so sweet to you down. It may not feel like it, but rationally we cannot exclude the possibility. It actually is rather likely scenario given her visa and income situation.

I believe that the best choices are the ones we make consciously and purposefully. As opposed to ones that are randomly thrown onto our path.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/27/2023 at 6:19 PM, skiman900 said:

.She said if she leaves, she will never come back and won't have any type of relationship or friendship with me

Please reconsider the situation. Once you're free, you'll be able to find a GF and have a family. Unfortunately this sentiment seems almost like extortion.

[introverted1]

On 7/27/2023 at 1:06 PM, skiman900 said:

If we get married and I sponsor her for citizenship, I'm agreeing to financially support her and her son for 10 years or until they become citizens. 

It would be insanity to sign up for this when you have only known her for 5 months and there are already issues... issues that will get bigger, not smaller, after you marry. 

[semble]

You appear to be a very passive guy, she realizes this and that gives her the balls to basically take your requests (such as the cats) and simply ignore them. Are the cats still upstairs and running all over your house? If so, why are you allowing this? It's YOUR house. You graciously took her and her son in, relieved them of rent obligations and literally every other daily expense. You are supporting them while she sits home and doesn't work- and she could work- even if its an "off the books" thing. She chooses not to, and you allow this. The LEAST she could do is abide by your reasonable requests including cleaning up around the house while she's locked inside all day since she's afraid to go out on her own.

She already said if you got married the cats could go to her sisters. This is coercion. What she's saying is, "No marriage, the cats stay". "Marry me and this problem goes away". It's not about what YOU want. This is not how a loving, caring woman operates. It's all about negotiation and you have no clue if she'd even follow through on it.

You need to get control of this situation. When you got home and found the cats upstairs you should have red her the riot act. "The cat goes to your sister NOW, or you all go.  It's not too late to do exactly that.

 "since I didn't do what I said I would do (marry her), she is not honoring our agreement to keep the cats in the basement."

This is messed up on so many levels. It's not up to HER where the cats stay, it's YOUR house. Whether you promised her marriage and changed her mind or not. The two issues are completely unrelated but she's being manipulative and strung them both together to justify her actions with no regard to your wants and feelings whatsoever.

But none of that matters if you're just going to throw caution to the wind and marry her. She won't change, at least not for the better. Odds are once she's got the ring, it will be much worse. If you choose to stay with her you will need to learn how to deal with her more effectively or she will run all over you and so will her pets and so will her son. He has some tough adolescent/teen years ahead and that alone can be a difficult situation to deal with even when you and your relationship partner are on the same page- and you are clearly not.

Think of the relationships you've had in the past.. how did they start out, how promising were they, what were the red flags. Is this one any different? Why do you expect this one to "go the distance" when the others failed, especially given all the red flags and conflict?.

 

 

[FMW]

6 months ago you didn't even know her and now you're thinking about turning your life upside down and legally committing to financially support both her and her son for the next 10 years.  

I think you will regret it if you go through with this, and for a long time.  Your regret at breaking up with her will be temporary.  I understand you are wrapped up in emotions, both hers and yours.  But the choice seems clear to me.  

Edited July 29, 2023 by FMW

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/28/2023 at 12:02 AM, skiman900 said:

I'm extremely picky when it comes to women

With all due respect, if that were true, you would not be in this position now with this woman. 

[Els]

On 7/29/2023 at 4:11 AM, skiman900 said:

I'm very picky when it comes to women

What exactly are you selecting for....?

The honest answer is that when I read your opening post, I genuinely thought you were one of those 40-yo virgins who had just moved out of their parents' house 10 years ago and had never had a real relationship with a woman, and that you were desperate. I thought that you had latched on to the first woman who showed you companionship and warmth, despite the fact that she was pressuring you to get married at 5 months and you were arguing all the time (at 5 months!) and she had no qualifications and no job and had never worked in her life.

I am not saying this to offend or to insult - I am saying this to illustrate that that is the only reason I could think of as to why anyone would even be saying the things that you were saying in your opening post. I was very, very surprised to read that you were married before and that you had other relationships. So... if that isn't the reason... then why on earth would you do this??? Do you feel that you're maybe being "picky" in the wrong way?

Edited July 30, 2023 by Els

[JTSW]

On 7/28/2023 at 7:11 PM, skiman900 said:

JTSW - Yes, I've asked for what I consider to be relatively basic things many times and nothing really changes - close the kitchen cabinets after opening them, throw away wrappers/garbage, clean/change the kitty litter daily, and just try to pick stuff up and put it away when you're done with it.  I like things neat and clean, but I'm not super OCD about it either.  She's never had a job because she started dating her ex husband on/off since she was 19 and he is VERY wealthy and took care of everything for her, everything from fancy clothes to trips around the world at 5 star hotels.  She had a job after the divorce working as a hostess at a big club and she said she really enjoyed it, but it was only for a few months.  I don't understand why she won't take walks or go to the park to play basketball or tennis with her son.  She has always lived downtown in big cities her whole life and I live in the suburbs on a lake - it's very nice, but very different from what she's used to.  She said she's uncomfortable walking by herself and worries that someone could just come out of their house and kidnap her.  I've explained what a safe neighborhood we live it, but she never leaves the house without me.  It's weird they don't even go outside in my yard, both her and her son stay inside all day and it's summer here, it's beautiful almost every day.  I've offered to pay for uber to take her and her son to play tennis while I'm at work, but she says she doesn't want to haul her equipment in an uber...

The red flags are punching you full force in the face here OP.

She is making up excuses so she doesn't have to do anything and that's not right.

Please don't marry her.

Please also consider your future with her.

Everything screams for you to run.

They don't respect you or your home at all.

Edited July 31, 2023 by JTSW