I don't want kids, she might

[Whoknows1989]

Hi All, 

 

My GF (mid 20's) and I (early 30's) recently discussed the idea of having kids. We've been together for about ~2 years, live together and have met each others families. When we first started dating, we very casually discussed kids where I said I was strongly considering not having children. I like children, but there's nothing in me (that I can tell) that wants to be a father. I'm someone who needs my alone time, time for hobbies, wants to have money, etc. and I just don't see that being feasible with kids to the degree that I would like - sometimes even relationships can be difficult. I also don't handle stress the greatest, internally - I'm a little prone to depression and anxiety, and in times of stress, it can be triggered and make me a little irritable. I'm not mean to others and I don't yell, but I just don't like the way it makes me feel. 

She seemed a little bummed when I said this, and also said that she was unsure if she wanted to have kids. We then dropped the topic, until recently it got brought up again. I again stated that I don't want to have kids, perhaps a little more definitively this time. She said that due to some life circumstances that have happened, it has made her more open to the idea children and could see herself being a mother. We kind of just looked at each other a little worried, and then she said that we would just have to check in with each other again as our relationship progresses. 

I'm a little worried about this response - I feel like she's waiting for me to possibly change my mind. There have been other things that have come up where we don't exactly meet eye to eye, albeit they weren't as major as this (i.e. places we would want to eventually live, things that we would spend money on, etc.) but now it makes me wonder just a little bit where there are too many cracks for us to be compatible. She'd been casually talking about normal relationship progression type of things (i.e. signing a lease together, getting a puppy, etc.) where I would want to make sure that we're on the same page before the relationship progressed to that level. Anyone have any advice? 

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Whoknows1989 said:

we don't exactly meet eye to eye, albeit they weren't as major as this (i.e. places we would want to eventually live, things that we would spend money on, etc.)

Don't kid yourself, these are major decisions that you should be compatible in, especially the desire to raise a family which is a major commitment.  I think it would be foolish to let the relationship progress too far without discussing these things to determine where each of you stands.  You are correct that she is more than likely thinking and hoping in time you will change your stance on having kids.  Don't be afraid to be honest with her and let her go if you have not.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Whoknows1989 said:

Recently discussed the idea of having kids. We've been together for about ~2 years, live together . She'd been casually talking about normal relationship progression type of things (i.e. signing a lease together, getting a puppy, etc.) 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she's stepping on the accelerator and you're pumping the break. Signing a lease and getting a puppy is not a commitment. It's just  headaches if you decide it's not working out. 

The first step is take your time. Make sure you're both financially stable.  Please don't have children you don't want. Use appropriate contraception so this doesn't happen "by mistake".

Most of all reflect if you two are compatible. It doesn't seem so. May be better to set each other free if she's eager to play house and you would prefer financial stability and some freedom first.

[ShyViolet]

Don't ever compromise on having kids if you know that you don't want to.  That is number one.  You don't want kids... that is a smart choice, and you should stay true to yourself.

You really need to have an honest talk with her and make sure she fully understands that you have decided that you don't want kids.  You shouldn't let her think that "maybe you'll change your mind" and just leave it open-ended.  She needs to know now that this is how it is, you don't want kids, and if she really does want kids then she will need to end this relationship and seek someone else who wants the same things she wants.  That would be kind of up to her, but she needs to know all the facts so she can make her decision.

[Weezy1973]

Having kids is the biggest life changer there is. If you’re incompatible with that, it’s time to end things. As she gets closer to 30, her desire to have kids will likely only grow. For her sake (as her fertility will drop off at 35), giving her the most time she can have to find a partner she loves and who’s on the same page as her means the earlier you end things the better. You don’t want her sacrificing her years with someone she’s not going to have a family together with, and then struggle and feel pressure to find someone when her clock is ticking. 

[Ami1uwant]

This is going to be a problem. This relationship will end at some time because of it.

 

do you guys have friends getting married and having kids? Any niece/ nephews around?

[glows]

Probably not a good idea to let this keep going on. Whose idea was it to move in so early on? Seems a little too much too soon. Whose name is now on the lease and can the other person move out should the relationship end? 
 

 

Edited July 28, 2023 by glows

[JTSW]

She wants children OP.

She wants all the things that you are not willing to give her.

You need to be straight with her that re-visiting the subject down the line isn't going to change the way you feel.

Yes, she is hoping you will change your mind but it doesn't sound like you will.

You are not compatible at all.

There really is only one option for you two and that is to go your separate ways.

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, Whoknows1989 said:

Anyone have any advice? 

Be honest with her and have the hard discussion. If you definitely do not want children, she needs to know that now. It would be a terrible thing if she wants children and she stays too long, thinking that you will ultimately change your mind… she needs to go in search of someone who wants the same things in life that she does - 

[smackie9]

 I was in your shoes. I didn't want kids and I was pretty firm about it. My ex waited in hopes I would consider it. Years later he was begging me to at least have one. I was so put on the spot I lied and said maybe to shut him up. I did too thought about my time invested in the relationship, etc. I ended up walking away eventually.

When I started dating my husband, I made sure I was very firm about not having kids. Told him flat out if it was something he really wanted then we need to go our separate ways. 33 years later we are still together, no kids and everything worked out fine. No regrets. 

So you have to be honest with yourself that she needs to move on. She's still young and has plenty of time to meet a man that wants a family. 

[Lotsgoingon]

All right, this is your coming-of-age, growing up experience: facing the reality that two people can love each other and yet not be compatible.

You cannot finesse the "want kids" issue. There is either a yes or a no. And usually, it's either a strong yes or strong no. 

You need to be blunter with her--and with yourself. I said I was strongly considering not having children. This is vague and wimpy (don't worry, I get why.) But "strongly considering." Well that just means you are thinking about having kids and not having kids. That's not really what you're feeling.

Sounds to me like you worry that having kids would ruin your life, your time, your ability to manage your low-grade depression and moods, your freedom to pursue activities. Say all of that to her ... stop this "I'm strongly considering ..." 

You need to put the reasons out there more clearly, so she hears what your thinking is. Sounds to me that you feel kids would change your life for the worse and you have no inner spiritual or emotional desire to be a father.  

She also needs to step up as well and be clear about what she wants. She has perhaps a bit more time to fiddle around, but she needs to dump you or move on by late 20s. She needs to be more alarmed than she is. 

There is no way to finesse this--you guys need to have blunt conversations and lose the terror of conflict and disagreement. And no, love won't get you through this. You have to agree to be able to get through this issue. This is a conversation you don’t want to avoid or approach tentatively. Doesn’t work. You got to fully engage with all the pain and fear that entails.

 

[Gaeta]

The puppy is a test, don't fall for it, and don't get a dog unless you have 14 years to invest in it financially and emotionally. I spent close to 20K of vet expenses in the last 5 years of my dog. 

You don't need to give this more time. This is now that you go your seperate ways.

[MsJayne]

You need to be very firm about this because clucky women actually think they're doing you one of life's greatest favours when they announce that they're pregnant after you've spent five years telling them you don't want kids. The thing is, if you stay in a relationship with a woman who wants children when you don't want them, you have absolutely no comeback when she announces she's pregnant. This is a huge issue, neither of you have the right to force the other to comply with your preference in this, and my advice is, if you don't want children don't mate with a woman who's on heat, because any minute she'll tell you there's a baby coming. You'd have to pretend that you were happy about it while inside you'd be secretly fuming that she'd changed the course of your life, which would lead to the inevitable end of the relationship, and then you'd get weekend visits and a big child support bill. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Whoknows1989 said:

 . I again stated that I don't want to have kids, perhaps a little more definitively this time.'I m a little worried about this response - I feel like she's waiting for me to possibly change my mind. 

It seems you were pretty clear the second time she brought this up. You mentioned other incompatibilities. It's 2 years and you live together?  Agree she's hoping you change your mind so even though you were clear, your best recourse may be to set yourselves free. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/28/2023 at 12:33 AM, Whoknows1989 said:

I would want to make sure that we're on the same page

You're very clearly not. 

She wants kids. You don't. She was likely hoping you would change your stance, but you haven't. If anything, you have become clearer that you don't want them. Having children (or not) is not something for a couple to compromise on. It's too big an issue to not follow your hearts. 

It won't be easy, but I would not continue this relationship. You might love each other, but that's not enough to overcome this huge incompatibility. 

[smackie9]

Don't ever want kids? Get a vasectomy and make it permanent.

[justwhoiam]

Smackie9 brought up a good point. Even using protection and contraception, a woman might still get pregnant. So if you're strong about not having children ever, you'd lower your chances by getting a vasectomy. The chance would then be 1 in 1,000 and even less by adding protection/contraception.

But statistics say that less than 20% of women don't want children ever. So if you remain single with a vasectomy and/or ruling out women who want children, your dating pool will shrink greatly. The more so if you also exclude women WITH children. Consider not finding a partner you might be really compatible with is a possibility. Consider your depression might worsen if you're going to get frustrated with dating and not finding anyone suitable for you long-term.

For all the above, start seeing someone who can support you (a therapist, a psychologist...).

[Els]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that as long as you've been totally honest with her about where you stand (and you have), it's fine for you to stay and see how it goes if you wish. If she was in her 30s I'd probably advise against it, but she's in her mid 20s. Many, many people are still finding themselves in their 20s - she will eventually form a decision for herself, but it could go either way, and if she decides she wants them then she will leave. The onus is on her to make this call, not on you. You CAN choose to leave if you don't feel comfortable with the possibility of this happening down the line, but you don't ethically HAVE to.

I also agree with the suggestion of a vasectomy. If you are sure that you don't want kids, that's an excellent thing to do - it's non-invasive and very safe, it sends a clear message to anyone you are dating, and most importantly it prevents you from ever becoming a parent against your will. If I was a dude, I would've gotten one yesterday.