Feeling hopeless and stuck: husband is cheap and my home is embarrassing

[Dorothe]

I don't know if I can share these thoughts with any of my family members, friends or church family, so I am posting this here to get some of your advice. Been married over 20 years. Have 2 kids 14 and 20 with him. On the surface, we have a happy marriage. He doesn't drink, do drugs, cheat, or really do anything immature to stress the marriage. My issue is that he doesn't seem to have any ambition. He's happy with his average job which pays just enough to pay his half of the household expenses. But when it comes to helping my college aged son, that's all on me. He would prefer if son lived at home and rode his skateboard to the junior college if that meant no further expenses. I do see the value in having son attend college 3 hours away and live in another city where he's learning how to be independent and responsible. I've seen the other approach backfire on so many young men in my family who still live at home at age 30+ and never quite grew up. So, since we disagree on this, I had to pick up a second job last year jut to pay for son's room and board. He washed his hands of it. That doesn't stop him from bragging about our son's college experience to everyone though. Another issue I have is that he doesn't care that our house looks terribly run down and in need of repairs. I am ashamed of the mess we live in. I can't use the kitchen sink anymore because the plumbing is shot and has been for years. I have to turn on the stove with a lighter. So, when I saw that my pool was beginning to turn green again, I researched a company and compared estimates for a replaster and other repairs. I am going to pay for that all on my own because it broke my heart the last time the pool turned green due to his DIY approach to balancing the water chemicals. If we go on vacations, I pay for the whole thing. He grudgingly comes along. I do it because I want to have a reward at the end of the year after all the hard work and I want the kids to have a vacation too. He thinks it's a waste of money. He's already let me know that he would prefer to put all my extra income into fixing things in the house. Ideally, he'd like to manage both our incomes. But I don't agree with him on so many expenses. I pick up extra work and extra jobs to cover things. When I spoke to him about maybe his getting a second job, he said he didn't want to do that. He says he prefers to spend quality time with our younger son. He spends a lot of time driving him to surf and pursuing their hobbies. I have thrown myself into my work because it's one area of my life that I feel some control over. But these disagreements over expenses is so frustrating. Feel stuck. Feel internally angry all the time. 

[JTSW]

Stop catering to this man because he is taking advantage of you.

Don't include him in vacations anymore, just you and your son go.

Try moving out of the house for a while and tell him you can't live in a house that is not practical when nothing works.

He needs a short sharp shock.

A good hard wake up call.

He won't ever do anything if you continue to pay for it.

Stop doing that.

[justwhoiam]

If you leave home, will he take care of it? Like keep it tidy and clean? Wash the dishes, make bed, whatever? If he does, he's at least contributing practically.

Ask him to get the sink fixed immediately and to pay for it. I can't believe you kept it broken for years. How do you wash vegetables, make pasta, do whatever in the kitchen?

Do you have separate bank accounts? Sit him down and let him know how unhappy you are and that if things continue like that, you'll find yourself forced to ask for divorce and one of you will have to move out. And both will need to contribute to the children's education.

There was a time when I was making more than my husband. Currently, I'm making less, but I still contribute in other ways. I took care of all the administrative paperwork, I do tax forms, I helped my son registering for university, I paid the registration fee. We have a shared account and I could never be accused of doing nothing. I had 4 different companies coming over to check our shutters that had to be either repaired or replaced. I arranged the appointments, received the offers/estimates and then discussed them with him. Then we picked one and got the job done. We decided to go with repairs and not replacement, as it cost less and could be done next week.

He's not acting like a grown man head of a family. And you need to call him on that. Men need a wake-up call at times.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/28/2023 at 12:30 AM, Dorothe said:

   I don't agree with him on so many expenses. I pick up extra work and extra jobs to cover things. 

Sorry this is happening. If you are legally married and the house is in both your names you are both responsible for it's upkeep. Please hire the appropriate contractors for home repairs, so that your house is habitable and safe. Your 14 year old should not be in a house with faulty plumbing and unsafe gas stoves. When the bills come take it out of the household expenses.

There's no such thing as his money, your money when it comes to repairs.  Stop nagging him about getting another job. Try to manage the household and money better.

You're equally responsible for the house bills and your minor son. He can not just sit back and default on necessities. 

As far as your older son, please look into appropriate financing for that. Such as student loans, work study programs, scholarships, etc. Neither of you are financially responsible for him after 18. 

Unfortunately it seems like there is poor financial planning. Please see a banking specialist for help with managing finances. Please review your tax returns, credit score assets debts and overall financial health. If you are living in unfit squalor both of you need to address it.

[Weezy1973]

It seems the two of you are not on the same page when it comes to money. When you’re married separating you finances doesn’t make sense as so many expenses are joint. You could pool the bulk of your incomes and then just each keep a bit in a separate account if needed. 
 

I have to say generally I agree with him that funds should go towards fixing up the home rather than vacations. The college thing is just a difference of opinion which is going to happen in all marriages.

Him being fine with his job instead of being more ambitious is neither here nor there. You’re basically complaining that he is the way he is, instead of being the way you want him to be. Pretty much the definition of entitlement. 

[stillafool]

Did you know he wasn't a man with high ambition when you married him?  

[BaileyB]

My suggestion, get a joint bank account into which you both put money (the amount will be fair, based on your salary) and you pay the mortgage, bills, and home repairs from that account. None of this - you pay for the repairs and maintenance stuff. It’s his home too - he lives there - so you both pay for the mortgage and the maintenance. 

Vacations, I would plan my own vacations before I paid for my partner to travel - especially if he “begrudgingly comes along…”

As for the college expense, I’m biased because where I live, most everyone lives at home while they study because it’s financially advantageous to do so. I understand that it’s a different culture (in the US, for example), where it’s all about the “experience” of moving away to attend college… but, the student loan debt and the financial burden on parents is tremendous. Personally, I do not believe that a child is owed a college education from their parents. Does your son work? Does he have some student loans? My humble opinion - I hope that it’s a combination of all three - you are helping him out, he is working part-time while going to school, and he has taken some student loans to off-set the cost. You say that you don’t want a 30 year old living at home… I would want a child who is invested in his education because he is partially responsible for paying the cost of tuition and learning how much it costs to live independently. Ie. I’m not paying his room and board at college. 

Just a few thoughts… there certainly are options here, I think the biggest barrier you have based on what you have shared is that you are not really talking and problem solving like a team. If his attitude didn’t change such that you are able to team together to pay all the bills and enjoy your life together, I may be looking to make another decision…

Edited July 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

When you’re married separating you finances doesn’t make sense as so many expenses are joint.

Yes! 

This my suggestion of a joint account from which you budget and pay joint expenses. You should both contribute and have control of the money/bills… It would solve some of this disagreement. 

You would then both have your own spending money to do with as you like. 

Edited July 30, 2023 by BaileyB