Finding Reconciliation After Estrangement

[Alpacalia]

I’m not sure if some of you recall but I posted a while back about my sister that became estranged from our family for a couple years. Well, I’m happy to report that no longer is the case (at least for the time being).

Myself and the rest of my family just came back from a lovely one week visit with her in Redondo Beach. She was living in Playa Del Carmen but moved back to be closer to her kids. She was a successful attorney and owned her own Amazon business but ran into some hardships.

I have personally witnessed the devastating consequences of addiction. Watching my mother's near death experience as she battled with her benzo addiction was emotionally traumatic for us both. I helped my Mom through it by getting her into rehab and took her in but it was pretty traumatizing for her and me. She's clean now and doing really well. Although I have never struggled with an recreational or prescription addiction myself, the fear of my sister following in our mother's footsteps still lingers in my mind. For two years now, she has continued to grapple with a difficult lifestyle and there is nothing I can do but stand back and hope for the best. I miss the connection we once had, when we were close friends and she was my older sister.

I am afraid that if we do reconnect, the closeness will eventually fade away again. And then it will be a bit like a roller coaster.

Again, but this time I think I'll be much less afraid about the risk of the relationship going south, as I have seen that it is possible to rise up from hardship. I am still tentative about it all, but I'm taking a step forward with a renewed sense of optimism. I guess the challenges I face now is, how can I proceed with reconnecting with my estranged sister while still protecting my own emotional wellbeing?

Has anyone gone through something similar?

Edited July 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

  how can I proceed with reconnecting with my estranged sister while still protecting my own emotional wellbeing?

Sorry this is happening. There is support for family members of people with issues like this:

https://www.samhsa.gov/families

[glows]

Recognize it’s the addiction and not them - don’t take things personally. If there is addiction in a person’s life as you know the relationship is not always predictable and may not meet your expectations. Reviewing your own expectations you have of the other person helps. Sometimes we’re not fully aware of the kinds of expectations we have of others and it may not be realistic given the circumstances. We cannot always impose the same expectations of ourselves onto others.

Understanding that this person is making their own choices and you are not responsible for everything that happens in their life is also a good start. That’s wonderful that you have both been able to reconnect/visit/spend some time together. Stay in touch closely with healthy individuals and your own support system. Do not become consumed with the other person’s well-being.

Edited July 29, 2023 by glows

[Alpacalia]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

Recognize it’s the addiction and not them - don’t take things personally. If there is addiction in a person’s life as you know the relationship is not always predictable and may not meet your expectations. Reviewing your own expectations you have of the other person helps. Sometimes we’re not fully aware of the kinds of expectations we have of others and it may not be realistic given the circumstances. We cannot always impose the same expectations of ourselves onto others.

Understanding that this person is making their own choices and you are not responsible for everything that happens in their life is also a good start. That’s wonderful that you have both been able to reconnect/visit/spend some time together. Stay in touch closely with healthy individuals and your own support system. Do not become consumed with the other person’s well-being.

Thank you glows.

I may not have expressed myself clearly.

No expectations for my sister in terms of her life decisions. I'm simply hoping for the best as we reestablish our relationship. She requested that I come stay with her for a week, and there is another trip planned in the Fall. If I feel uncomfortable with going, I always have the option to say no. My sister shared with me some of the guilt she felt due to her mistakes as a mother, and I accept that our relationship will never be the same. I'm approaching this reconnection with a mix of realism and optimism, while also setting boundaries for myself. I know that I can't give more of myself than I'm able to give, and if our relationship were to end again, so be it.

I know it's up to me to control how much of myself I choose to invest in this relationship going forward.

I'm thankful for her taking the first step in reconnecting. I also recognize that it is mostly her struggles, and not her, so I am trying not to take anything personally. It is difficult, but I'm trying to stay positive.

There are support groups that I am involved with and I have my own fires in the pot (my support group isn't available until next Thursday).

Thanks for listening

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I wish you all the best. I am the middle of three girls and my younger sister is largely estranged from me and my olde sister but for different reasons. It’s challenging and makes me sad.

Perhaps you can visit your sister but stay at a hotel or an Airbnb, or for less than one week if you stay with her. A week residing together seems like a lot to me even with any family member, but especially one that is in early stages of reconciliation. Good luck, she is lucky to have such a great sister.

[glows]

Just wondering here - this part “…I accept that our relationship will never be the same”. I don’t recall what led to the fall out.

Is she involved in substance abuse or has she been estranged because she didn’t see eye to eye with other family members?

It’s great to hear that your mum is doing well now. You have support groups - have these been helpful? It’s frustrating to go through this without anyone to talk to - that’s great you have reached out. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Just wondering here - this part “…I accept that our relationship will never be the same”. I don’t recall what led to the fall out.

Is she involved in substance abuse or has she been estranged because she didn’t see eye to eye with other family members?

It's a bit challenging to explain.

I'll try my best though 🙂

I suppose when you have family members that are abusing substances it can be very difficult to trust them. I can't begin to describe how awful it felt to have to watch a mother and now a sister on the verge of it. My mother has managed to get her life on track, and I'm so proud of her for her progress. I am hopeful that things will be different with my sister this time, but I also need to accept that our relationship will be different no matter what.

There wasn't a fall out per se between her and I, my sister was married for 20 something years and she made a mistake in her marriage and turned into a completely different person.

Something inside her just snapped. With her family, she just shut all of us out for a couple of years. We went from being close with her and talking to her on a regular basis to not hearing from her at all. The period of silence and worry was very hard to deal with. In the end, after almost two years, she reached out and we have been slowly rebuilding our relationship.

She came back because her ex husband reached out to her because her youngest daughter was really struggling with her absence and asked her to move back (my sister moved out of country when this all occurred but now she is back in the States).

It is hard to have family members dealing with substance abuse as you don't know if and when things will turn around and things will feel normal again. It's often hard for those of us who have been left behind in such situations to just accept what has happened and to keep trusting in the midst of all the hurt. But one thing that has helped me is to just hold onto the person that they once were and to keep faith in the deep knowledge that no matter what, love is still intact and that true family bonds will, eventually, be restored. 

Of course, I have the worry in the back of my mind that my Sister is following the same path as my Mother (but for very different reasons). I chose to help my Mom because she was on the verge of killing herself with the amount of prescription medications she was abusing. I know some would say well you should not have stepped in and just let whatever happen happen but I couldn't sit there and watch her kill herself.

I am not going to intervene with my sister because it’s up to her to decide if she wants help.

I suppose writing about this is getting involved in her life. I just really needed the support after coming back from that trip.

1 hour ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

I wish you all the best. I am the middle of three girls and my younger sister is largely estranged from me and my olde sister but for different reasons. It’s challenging and makes me sad.

Perhaps you can visit your sister but stay at a hotel or an Airbnb, or for less than one week if you stay with her. A week residing together seems like a lot to me even with any family member, but especially one that is in early stages of reconciliation. Good luck, she is lucky to have such a great sister.

Thank you! I hope to that for you two can work on your relationship in time to come. Yes, I think a week together was a bit much initially but it was a nice trip, albeit taxing.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 I guess the challenges I face now is, how can I proceed with reconnecting with my estranged sister while still protecting my own emotional wellbeing?

Has anyone gone through something similar?

I really haven't, but I'd say that, as with all things "closeness" the more close/emotionally connected you become, the more vulnerable you also are IF the person turns around on you or things go south in some other way.

So, there's really no avoiding the roller coaster (or at least the risk of it). You'll have to find a balance, and perhaps ensure that you keep your expectations set for what's reasonable under the circumstances and given what's already transpired.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It's a bit challenging to explain.

I'll try my best though 🙂

I suppose when you have family members that are abusing substances it can be very difficult to trust them. I can't begin to describe how awful it felt to have to watch a mother and now a sister on the verge of it. My mother has managed to get her life on track, and I'm so proud of her for her progress. I am hopeful that things will be different with my sister this time, but I also need to accept that our relationship will be different no matter what.

There wasn't a fall out per se between her and I, my sister was married for 20 something years and she made a mistake in her marriage and turned into a completely different person.

Something inside her just snapped. With her family, she just shut all of us out for a couple of years. We went from being close with her and talking to her on a regular basis to not hearing from her at all. The period of silence and worry was very hard to deal with. In the end, after almost two years, she reached out and we have been slowly rebuilding our relationship.

She came back because her ex husband reached out to her because her youngest daughter was really struggling with her absence and asked her to move back (my sister moved out of country when this all occurred but now she is back in the States).

It is hard to have family members dealing with substance abuse as you don't know if and when things will turn around and things will feel normal again. It's often hard for those of us who have been left behind in such situations to just accept what has happened and to keep trusting in the midst of all the hurt. But one thing that has helped me is to just hold onto the person that they once were and to keep faith in the deep knowledge that no matter what, love is still intact and that true family bonds will, eventually, be restored. 

Of course, I have the worry in the back of my mind that my Sister is following the same path as my Mother (but for very different reasons). I chose to help my Mom because she was on the verge of killing herself with the amount of prescription medications she was abusing. I know some would say well you should not have stepped in and just let whatever happen happen but I couldn't sit there and watch her kill herself.

I am not going to intervene with my sister because it’s up to her to decide if she wants help.

I suppose writing about this is getting involved in her life. I just really needed the support after coming back from that trip.

Thank you! I hope to that for you two can work on your relationship in time to come. Yes, I think a week together was a bit much initially but it was a nice trip, albeit taxing.

I can see how difficult it would be to trust individuals or people who have once made certain choices. Maybe I’m still hazy on this.. when you say your sis is on the verge of it, it being substance abuse(?), has she shown or ever had a past of substance abuse? Has she said she’s done drugs recreationally? I’m not quite making the connection from your mother having had a past addiction with your sister being on the verge of drug/substance abuse. How does one relate to the other if your sis made a conscious choice not to connect with family for a period of time? 

I ask to genuine understand as there may be other factors such as depression or anxiety, not feeling like one fits in or being judged by others. If your sis for ie is reaching out now then it shows she too is showing she can trust you. There don’t seem to be substance abuse issues with her but you never know. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, glows said:

I can see how difficult it would be to trust individuals or people who have once made certain choices. Maybe I’m still hazy on this.. when you say your sis is on the verge of it, it being substance abuse(?), has she shown or ever had a past of substance abuse? Has she said she’s done drugs recreationally? I’m not quite making the connection from your mother having had a past addiction with your sister being on the verge of drug/substance abuse. How does one relate to the other if your sis made a conscious choice not to connect with family for a period of time? 

I ask to genuine understand as there may be other factors such as depression or anxiety, not feeling like one fits in or being judged by others. If your sis for ie is reaching out now then it shows she too is showing she can trust you. There don’t seem to be substance abuse issues with her but you never know. 

Thanks Glows.

My sister had a period of estrangement from the family and made the conscious choice to disconnect from us and her children for a couple of years.

During this time, it was very difficult for us to trust what was going on and whether or not she was in a safe environment. After she reconnected, she has been very open about wanting to take more care of her mental health. For myself, well, this is what I am doing (taking care of myself).

I admit that I have had doubts and fears when it comes to trusting her with her choices. I worry that she may be vulnerable and could end up in a dangerous situation, or that past relationships with her and my mother too close to the surface. For me, it has been a mixture of fear, caution and love. The biggest thing for me is to really listen, stay open and be non-judgmental when it comes to my sister and her choices. I think a lot of it comes down to showing that I’m there for her, even when I feel uncertain of what she is doing, and that I will always support and care for her no matter what. This is something that I’ve been working on, and has helped us both to build greater trust with each other.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks Glows.

My sister had a period of estrangement from the family and made the conscious choice to disconnect from us and her children for a couple of years.

During this time, it was very difficult for us to trust what was going on and whether or not she was in a safe environment. After she reconnected, she has been very open about wanting to take more care of her mental health. For myself, well, this is what I am doing (taking care of myself).

I admit that I have had doubts and fears when it comes to trusting her with her choices. I worry that she may be vulnerable and could end up in a dangerous situation, or that past relationships with her and my mother too close to the surface. For me, it has been a mixture of fear, caution and love. The biggest thing for me is to really listen, stay open and be non-judgmental when it comes to my sister and her choices. I think a lot of it comes down to showing that I’m there for her, even when I feel uncertain of what she is doing, and that I will always support and care for her no matter what. This is something that I’ve been working on, and has helped us both to build greater trust with each other.

That’s very beautiful and especially to have one another for sisters/siblings. I think you hit the nail on the head about listening - easy to say and hard to do. There are sometimes all kinds of thoughts and fears. I may not like how one sibling reacts or one sibling’s choices (and I’m sure vice versa) but it’s not my choice to make either.

Eventually your mum will be gone and as scary and painful as that will be you’ll still have your sister. Even though you may not be the same people or differ quite a lot there’s the knowledge that there’s the other out there. 

Loss is a real fear. You lost your mum once to addiction so you understand people around you are not always dependable or available. I hope the love and trust between the both of you continues to grow and evolve to a deeper relationship as sisters. 

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, glows said:

That’s very beautiful and especially to have one another for sisters/siblings. I think you hit the nail on the head about listening - easy to say and hard to do. There are sometimes all kinds of thoughts and fears. I may not like how one sibling reacts or one sibling’s choices (and I’m sure vice versa) but it’s not my choice to make either.

Eventually your mum will be gone and as scary and painful as that will be you’ll still have your sister. Even though you may not be the same people or differ quite a lot there’s the knowledge that there’s the other out there. 

Loss is a real fear. You lost your mum once to addiction so you understand people around you are not always dependable or available. I hope the love and trust between the both of you continues to grow and evolve to a deeper relationship as sisters. 

Thank you for the lovely words and advice you gave. I wanted to keep the post brief in an effort to protect my sibling's privacy. I think your last post beautifully summarized my thoughts.

Thanks again!